For Sale: Everything College Football

First appeared on December 23rd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

It’s that time of year again. Time to fight crowds like a salmon gone to spawn. Time to locate overpriced gifts before elbowing to the front of the line, knocking down some old lady who’s brandished her checkbook to pay for a single spindle of ribbon. Time to drive two hours in holiday traffic just to sit in a crowded house wearing a turtleneck you had no role in choosing but which makes you so hot you sweat harder than a hog going to sale.


But beyond the crowds and shoppers elbows, far worse than the $5.00 check writer or holiday traffic is the fact that Bowl season is once again upon us. “The most wonderful time of the year” ESPN would have us believe. Words obviously chosen to appease Capital One for having the (insert word of your choosing here) to sponsor the ENTIRE bowl season.

Bowl season, like Christmas, means something different to everyone. To me the majority of Bowl season needs to be jettisoned off like space trash. At its core bowl season is simply a never ending string of mediocre teams playing in overhyped games found in destinations that wouldn’t even be desirable in July, let alone wintertime (all apologies to my relatives in Detroit).

The NCAA says the mission behind college football is to provide youth with the “…motivation to pursue higher education”. Ah yes a fine goal indeed, however apparently in order to accomplish this one requirement is to tap an unlimited spigot of cash first.

Enter the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl and the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. I know what you’re thinking, these aren’t exactly names that roll off the tongue in the way the Advocare V100 Independence Bowl does. The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl earns the award for longest name of the season (sorry Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl) while the Texas Bowl simply proves once again that, if the state can afford to sponsor a bowl in these economic times, nothing truly is bigger than Texas.

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl and the Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl are proof that somewhere, closeted up and rarely exposed, the NCAA does have some semblance of a conscience. Forgetting the idea of having any conscience whatsoever for a moment, the Godaddy.com Bowl should definitely have the best halftime show while the New Era Pinstripe Bowl will only interest me if the Italian Mafia will be attempting to “whack” the New York Yankees.

If you actually believe College football is about opportunities at higher education, then you probably still believe Santa Claus is real or that anybody in Washington actually cares about you and I. College football, like Washington ironically, is about money. And it’s not just ‘about money’ it’s blatantly about money.

In fact College football is so much about money they should play with green footballs, wear dollar signs on their helmets and install ATM’s in the end zones. Instead of T-shirts, male cheerleaders should shoot Tony Soprano-sized wads of cash into the stands and Cheerleaders should wave pom-poms made of shredded thousand dollar bills.

College football is so much about selling an experience to the highest bidder that it’s disgusting. If all they want is to sell something why don’t they do the respectable thing and run an ad in the Auto Trader or park it in their front yard like everyone else? This being said, I’ll be watching. After all, what’s the alternative? Dominating my 7 year old nephew in Trivial Pursuit for the third straight year or watching home movies of somebody’s trip to Poland?

Bermuda Triangle popular December destination

First appeared on December 15th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

In 20th Century Fox’s soon to be released movie “Gulliver’s Travels”, Jack Black plays a travel writer who stumbles into the Bermuda Triangle. As you can probably surmise, once there life as he knows it changes dramatically.


For almost a decade life as fans of the Indianapolis Colts have known it has included twelve win seasons and a string of playoff appearances. And as the 2010-11 season began there was no reason to believe things would be changing anytime soon.

Enter the Bermuda Triangle. Or, perhaps more accurately, this is the point at which the Colts entered the Bermuda Triangle. Either way, looking up at Jacksonville in the AFC South with a 7-6 record, it’s safe to say these are uncharted waters for this current group of Indianapolis Colts.

The lexicon of the average Colt fan includes oft-used terms like undefeated, home field advantage, record setting and MVP season; but what is this “must win game”? Fundamentally the concept of having to win any one particular game is foreign to the Manning era Colts.

And before you go all “there’s no bigger must win than a Super Bowl!” on me, let me stop you. A must win game the Super Bowl is not. The Super Bowl is confirmation of one’s prowess, the culmination of a long season of hard work. Super Bowls’ don’t smack of desperation in the way must win games do.

Must win is a term that haunts the dreams of mediocre teams and lame-duck coaches. Teams who face a must win have, at some point, generally bungled all other opportunities at success. Must win games conjure images of teams who fell short of their promise.

The idea of the Colts ever playing a must win game was previously unheard of. About as unlikely as Obama’s approval numbers ever reaching Bush the Second level or Hollywood remaking a movie that wasn’t all that good to begin with; like say “Tron” for example. This is the part of the season where the Colts are supposed to blow the season by sitting their starters, not by actually losing a game.

For years we’ve raved over the way Manning’s “laser, rocket-arm” and Bill Polian’s eye for talent have enabled this team to win more games than the experts forecasted. Now, as the franchise drifts into the unknown abyss that is the mythical vortex of sub-reality known as the Bermuda Triangle, some are questioning Manning’s decisions and suddenly there’s a “Help Wanted” sign in the window of the Colts front office.

And as so many pronounce the Patriots and trumpet the Chargers as the Darth Vader to the Colts’ Luke Skywalker, here comes a match up with the one team that has been the proverbial thorn in the side of Indianapolis for many years now.

If there’s one team the Colts should fear in the AFC South it’s this week’s opponent. If someone can line up and pound the ball down their throat it’s the Jaguars. If anybody can hog the clock and keep Manning on the sideline it’s Jacksonville. Sunday the Jaguars can drive the first in a rapid succession of nails effectively burying the Colts’ season.

During his trip through the Bermuda Triangle, Jack Black discovers an air of invincibility after battling a navy comprised of sailors who are less than 6 inches tall. The Colts would do well to relocate the air of invincibility they once wore like a badge of honor. The trouble for Indy is that Jacksonville will likely put up a bit more resistance than any tiny navy lobbing pea sized cannonballs ever could.

Even Peyton has to be wondering: Who are these guys?

First appeared on November 18th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

The secret is out. Producer Mark Burnett has chosen a destination for the new season of his hit series Survivor and the filming is already underway. And, despite generally being cloaked in secrecy, details are leaking out as diehard fans eagerly await the debut of “Survivor: Indianapolis”.


Word has it fan favorite Bob Sanders was the first voted off the island. And while this was undoubtedly a big power play, it’s really no surprise considering Vegas had him as a favorite not to finish the season anyway.

Such is the 2010-11 campaign for the Indianapolis Colts. We have watched with bewilderment as every week someone new limps to the bench after being “voted off the island”. And despite a rash, wait check that, despite being ravaged by injuries the Colts have somehow managed to stay together while staying competitive (See Dallas Cowboys). Save a moment Sunday when Jim Caldwell was scrambling for his “Idiot’s Guide to Covering Onsides Kicks”.

NFL teams carry a 53 man roster and of that 53 Indianapolis had 14 listed on the injury report before Sunday’s game with Cincinnati; 12 others are on injured reserve. And the names read as a “Who’s Who” of the Colt’s franchise.

Which begs the question: who are these new guys making all the plays? A quick rundown shows they understand winning.

Tight End Jacob Tamme gets an A for his Dallas Clark impersonation but an F for his “Earl Hickey in a football helmet” facial hair. After winning four straight Kentucky State Titles in high school, Tamme went on to become a two time First Team All SEC selection at UK.

Originally an undrafted free agent, former Brigham Young Safety Aaron Francisco’s name should sound familiar. A “boomerang guy”, Francisco’s been released and asked back by multiple NFL teams during his 6 years in the league. He was part of Indy’s playoff run last year recording 2 Special Team tackles in the Super Bowl. He’s also spent time with three other NFL teams including a playoff berth with Arizona.

Wide Receiver Brandon James is also an undrafted rookie who, like Tamme, won a championship in high school before choosing to stay in state to play at Florida. At Gainesville he was a 4 year letter winner who set 4 SEC and 11 Florida records for kick returns and was named the SEC Special Teams Player of the Year as a junior.

Another undrafted rookie, Javaris James attended the University of Miami after rushing for over 4,500 yards in high school. Before finding his way to Indianapolis he spent time on practice squads in both New England and Washington.

Unbelievable as it is to say, Blair White is yet another undrafted rookie who’s helping the Colts. After walking on at Michigan State, White became a four year- All Academic Big Ten selection. He was a First Team All Conference receiver his senior year before signing with the Colts as a practice player in September.

Things could be much worse of course. Manning could be hurt or the Colts could have signed Randy Moss. And with the season’s most difficult reward challenge ahead in Foxborough, the Colts have to play the hand their dealt for there is no merge with the ’76 Steelers coming anytime soon.

So here’s to hoping someone like Wayne, Mathis or Freeney stumble across the hidden immunity idol or Eighteen doesn’t find Jeff Probst asking for his torch. For, as long as he’s under center, the Colts should always have a chance no matter who’s lined up at wide receiver (and, yes that includes Rupert and Parvarti).

Merry Christmas Hoosier Fans

First appeared on November 30th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Merry Christmas and Feliz Navidad Hoosier fans. Here’s to a good Kwanzaa and a Happy Festivus too. The time has come to celebrate so bust out the fruitcake and a plate of Buneulos. Tell the kids to fill the Unity cup and put up the old aluminum pole.


November 2010 will go down as a turning point for the Indiana University men’s basketball program. For not only have their fortunes changed, but the last month has confirmed what so many Hoosier fans were beginning to doubt. As far as rebuilding what once was one of the nation’s top programs is concerned, Tom Crean is the right man.

In signing Washington’s Cody Zeller and getting a verbal commitment from Park Tudor’s Yogi Ferrell, Crean has amassed a group of recruits that will serve as a steroid shot to the arm of his program. And not just your run of the mill “I’m a 150 pound shortstop who wants to slam 40 homers “steroid shot either. Rather we’re talking the kind of steroid shot that would have had Barry Bonds slamming balls not just over McCovey Cove, but across all 5,500 miles of the Pacific Ocean.

A Home Run ball long enough to shatter the window of Kim Jung IL’s palatial Pyongyang palace before ricocheting off his head. A shot hopefully strong enough to do irreparable damage to the tiny pea brain his bulbous, gourd-like skull protects. For hitting a rocket like that, Bonds might even once again regain American Hero status.

If there were any doubt after a 16 and 46 start to his career in Bloomington, this has to be the sign so many were looking for. All his tempered comments, all his hustling around the nation keeping a finger on the pulse of AAU basketball and all his titillating tweets appear to be finally paying off.

In landing Zeller and Ferrell, Crean has not just ensured a competitive future on the court for the Hoosiers, but he has also ensured they will once again be a viable option for the nation’s top talent. Prospective in-state kids will now see Indiana as a desirable place. And, once Zeller and Ferrell are on campus, prospective out of state kids will see many IU games on ESPN.

In landing Zeller and Ferrell, Crean is also one step closer to fulfilling his goal of building a program on local talent. For too long Hoosier fans have watched as the state’s top kids migrated to better locales, but now Crean has taken a major step towards taking the state back.

And while the forecast for the long term looks promising, the short run still promises a mighty hill for Indiana to climb. To this point Crean’s Hoosiers have taken advantage of a lighter than normal preseason schedule to get out to a solid start. But with 5 teams currently ranked in the top 20 nationally (3 in the Top 10), the Big Ten schedule may be one of the most brutal in recent memory.

Which brings us back to Crean. Contrary to popular belief, the measure of a good coach isn’t always wins and losses. A good college coach sells his program to his kids. A good college coach sells his vision to kids. A good college coach can keep a group of young men together in the face of tremendous adversity.

For Crean, he has proven he can sell his program and his vision. His next test is to keep his kids together in the face of a difficult Big Ten schedule. If he can do this, the wins and losses are sure to follow.

In more than one way Williams was a true American hero

First appeared on November 12, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Joe Cronin made some tough decisions in his life. He once passed on signing Willie Mays and chose to marry the niece of a General Manager who would later trade him. But in September of 1941, as manager of the Boston Red Sox, Cronin faced perhaps his toughest challenge of all. With two games left in the season Cronin wanted to sit his left fielder (who was flirting with .400) in order to protect his chance at history.


In legendary fashion, Ted Williams would have none of it and insisted instead on playing the last two games of the year. Struggling in the first game, the future Hall of Famer’s average dipped below .400 after going just 1 for 4. Then, in the final game of the season, “Teddy Ball Game” hammered out 4 hits and the rest is history.

For a variety of reasons 1941 was an unforgettable year. New York Yankee Joe DiMaggio batted safely in 56 straight games while Williams hit .400 for DiMaggion’s arch-rival Red Sox. Both marks stand to this day, almost 70 years later.

But for other reasons entirely 1941 should not soon be forgotten. For what followed that sensational summer on the diamond was one of the most tragic days in our nation’s history. On December 7th over 2,000 Americans would lose their lives during the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor.

Pearl Harbor changed the course of a nation. It awoke a sleeping giant. It also thrust one of Baseball’s greatest heroes into the action. On May 22nd, 1942 Williams enlisted in the Navy. Though he would finish the 42 season before reporting for duty as most players who were drafted did, he refused an assignment playing for the Navy’s traveling baseball team choosing instead to enroll in the Naval Aviator program.

What followed was a year and a half of intense training, including time spent studying in Bunker Hill, Indiana. Williams earned his wings in May of 1944, officially becoming a Navy pilot. In 1946, as the war was winding down, Williams had reported to Hawaii to await orders as a replacement pilot in the Pacific Theatre before being called home.

From 1946 to 1952 he was back on the diamond winning 2 American League MVP’s and setting an AL record after facing 3 pitchers in the same inning. In May of 1952 however, during what some would call the height of his career, Ted Williams was recalled to duty in Korea. Here he became an award winning pilot after flying over 30 combat missions.

Williams’ career began with an appearance at Yankee Stadium in which he shared the field for the first and last time with Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. He was a Triple Crown winner and the last man to hit .400 and for all of these things he is revered.

Lost in all the gaudy numbers and history is the fact that the most important thing Teddy Ball Game did for his country didn’t happen between the lines. For he is just one of countless men and women who have sacrificed much in defending our nation.

Athletes are heroes to many. Real heroes aren’t interviewed on television after kicking a 55 yard field goal or throwing a no hitter however. Real heroes are those who have marched holes clean through their boots, eaten cold MRE’s and tried to fall asleep on the tracks of a tank with thoughts of road side bombs or Nazi landmines racing through their heads.

These are the ones who deserve the standing ovation. These are the ones whose pictures should hang in a Hall of Fame families can drag their wide eyed kids into every summer. In the mean time it’s up to us to just say thanks. Veterans don’t want a SuperBowl parade or expect to see you wearing a replica jersey with their name on it. Just say thanks. Take the time to hear their stories. Find your own way to show the same pride in our country they did. For celebrating Freedom should be an easy decision for anyone, even Joe Cronin.

For Miami at least, the heat is on for the rest of the season

First appeared on November 3rd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Whether you forgot to pay your electric bill or have joined a cult waging war against the medium that is television, two big stories exist in our nation currently. The first being the midterm elections and the second being the Miami Heat. And because I am still trying to shake nightmares triggered by overexposure to fear-mongering attack ads, let’s focus on the Heat instead.


Perhaps some of you are unaware LeBron James and Chris Bosh, two of the NBA’s best players, signed with the Miami Heat in the off season. Just to be on the safe side I should probably tell those of you who missed this massive shift in power that we also elected our first African American President and communist Russia no longer exists.

The decision of James and Bosh to go to Miami not only ignited a media firestorm, but also created a roster with three of the league’s 10 best players. Such a roster, which has been previously unheard of in league history, comes with unparalleled expectations. During the first quarter of their season opener last week in Boston all these lofty expectations culminated in the Heat’s scoring a measly nine points.

All the offseason hype, all the second guessing and dancing on stage with smoke machines exploding in the background translated to a measly nine points. Nine points was the result of four months of waiting, heated barber shop jabbering and Miami cabbies guaranteeing everything short of the Heat conquering Canada or Mexico.

The Heat’s roster is talented but this is basketball. You’re not adding a couple power hitters to a baseball line up. These guys need time to figure out where each likes to work with the ball and what each can do with the ball. Basketball is a game of rhythm and timing and right now, like a bad Idol contestant, the Heat have neither.

Comparisons with the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls team that won 72 games are rampant. And, at this point, that is simply unfair. That Chicago core had played hundreds of games together. Counting Wades injury and time off the floor, this nucleus has played less than 10 total games together.

In short they will not win 72 games this year and while I’m at it, they won’t win a Title either. Rebounding the basketball and defending at the rim will be recurring issues that nag them all year.

The Lakers made positive off season strides as well, adding to a championship roster that went virtually unchanged otherwise. Los Angeles simply having more on floor experience together will go much further than the athletic ability or individual talents of Miami.

That being said, the Heat are exactly what the NBA needs. They’ll sell tickets, generate hype and provide SportsCenter with a near constant loop of unbelievable highlights.

Don’t misconstrue this as an attack on LeBron either for these have become all too sheik. At some point, his millions and the self-indulgent insensitivity of “The Decision” aside, it’s easy to feel sorry for the guy somehow. Everyone makes mistakes, for proof see the genius who came up with New Formula Coke; let’s just call him “The guy who no longer works for Coca Cola”. Cleveland Owner Dan Gilbert was obviously hurt when he spoke about LeBron’s decision to leave. But upon further review his fundamental point may be rooted in fact. For proof of what kind of competitor James truly is we’ll have to wait until May and June roll around for that’s when the stakes get higher. Until then, enjoy the ride; and the fact it’s not longer campaign season of course.

David Copperfield is the most powerful man in the world

First appeared on October 27th
in The Lebanon Reporter

You know that guy who always showed off at college parties using card tricks? With a goggling gaggle lapping his lame act up? I hated those guys. My online therapist says I’m suppressing a childhood fear of magic or clowns; but I think it’s more about my own supernatural shortcomings.


Life isn’t fair and the secret of life may lie in accepting this fact. At some point, bad days will find us all and it’s no different for those in the sports world. One has to wonder if David Copperfield has bad days though. The gold standard of magicians, Copperfield is one of a short list of men whose very names are associated with an unparalleled degree of deception; Copperfield, Houdini, Al Gore.

As for Copperfield though, it’s tough to imagine anybody who owns his own chain of Bahamian Islands having a bad day. Surely anyone who can walk through the Great Wall of China or make the Statue of Liberty disappear could remedy problems plaguing simple folk like us. That’s why whenever I have a bad day I like to play my favorite game; “If I was David Copperfield”.

If I was David Copperfield I would have teleported myself and Purdue coach Danny Hope to Hawaii on Saturday. I would have done this not only to save Hope from the embarrassment of a 49-0 loss at Ohio State, but it also seems like a really cheap way to see Hawaii as well.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my magic talent and creepy expressions to help others. Because making people disappear is as tired as any storyline that includes the names Brett or Favre, I would use my obligatory magic box on wheels instead to heal the knees of both Robbie Hummel and Darius Willis, as well as Dallas Clark’s wrist, and Joseph Addai’s shoulder and the bruised ego of Pat McAfee.

After a disappointing performance from Bill Lynch’s Indiana University football team in Champaign Saturday, if I was David Copperfield I would wave my magic wand and erase your memory. This way you would forget I ever guaranteed a bowl berth for the Hoosiers. What’s that? You hadn’t remembered? See-it’s working all ready.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my death saw to halve the New York Yankees roster and share their best players with the rest of the league. Of course I wouldn’t give anyone to the Rangers or Giants because making the World Series is proof they don’t need help. I wouldn’t help the Phillies either because they almost won their third straight pennant. Oh yeah, and for obvious reasons I wouldn’t give any to the Cardinals. On second thought maybe I would just cut the Yankees in two and give the best half to the Cubs.

While I’m at it, if I was David Copperfield I would have made Steve Bartman’s hands disappear prior to the 8th inning of the 2003 NLCS game 6….don’t worry I would have reappeared them after he signed a notarized letter swearing never to return to Wrigley Field. And why stop with Bartman? If I was David Copperfield I would have made Dwight Clark disappear from the corner of the end zone in the 4th quarter of the 1982 NFC Championship game with :51 seconds left and the Cowboys leading 27-21. And if I was David Copperfield I would also have stolen Christian Laettner’s arms, legs and ability to control bodily functions during Duke’s 1992 Final Four match up with IU.

In retrospect, magicians appear to have it easy. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand them.

BCS needs to take a long walk off a short pier

First appeared on October 20th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Would somebody please do the sports world a favor and put the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) out of its misery. It is high time the NCAA scrap this epic failure and (pardon my gratuitous use of yet another tired analogy) go back to the drawing board. Just like landline telephones and the Californian Condor, it would appear the best days are behind the BCS.


It’s like an old racehorse somebody needs to put out to pasture or a dinosaur from Detroit gargling gasoline as a Prius zips by silently in the passing lane. It’s the old hunting dog that can’t see, hear or smell but his master somehow lets him back into the truck every season.

So the BCS rankings have finally come out and, despite a well crafted rumor that it would be Boise State, Oklahoma is the team we are here-to-after decreed to bow to. Many expected Boise State to start out on top, early in the game, only to let them slide down as others crept their way up; the ultimate in lip service.

In reality if ever the BCS should give Boise State their title chance there would appear to be no better place or time than now. With no clear cut favorites in the field a “David v. Goliath” title game would actually generate more interest than whatever powerhouse schools are thrown at us at the end of the year.

Instead it would appear the BCS is rapidly approaching NASCAR Chase for the Cup-like status in the world of sporting events capable of generating mass yawns and disinterest amongst an otherwise rabid fan base. Of course I have no solutions to offer. Had I any- a part time pretend sports columnist I would not be. Instead I’ll take a play out of Cesar Millan’s off camera playbook and simply continue to beat the BCS with a rolled up newspaper.

The worst part about the entire system is that nobody can explain it. It’s like the Theory of Relativity, we all know it exists and that Einstein was a genius for discovering it-but none of us can begin to explain how it pertains to our everyday lives. It would seem the only way the BCS could possibly get any worse is if it hired Mel Gibson to do its PR.

In fact I can explain the BCS formula about as well as a monkey can order Chinese from a menu printed in Mandarin. Certainly the NCAA knows if they make the BCS selection process as complicated as humanly possible, most people won’t bat an eye when they announce their Title Game. And those who do are easily paid off or find themselves breaking rocks in a Siberian labor camp.

Simply put the everyday fan may want to see Boise State in the Championship game, but the people who really matter to the NCAA do not. And by “people who really matter” here we mean advertisers. Yes, all the grandstanding ESPN did surrounding the initial BCS selection show was meant to sell advertising dollars, not fill a void in your life.

So in the long run if you really think Boise State will ever actually appear in the BCS championship game you are probably the same person who believes in the U.S. government or Unicorns. The only way the Broncos will ever make the title game is if Nebraska, Ohio State, Alabama and Oklahoma put together an All Star team to play them first. Talk about a delicious match up; of course for the time being a Californian Condor egg omelet will simply have to suffice.

Swamp People won't Disappoint

First appeared on October 12, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

October is known for thrills and chills, a time when farmers return to their fields to reap what they have sown and a time for Cub fans to struggle for reasons to get out of bed.


So it was with great anticipation that I turned to “Swamp People” (History Channel, Sundays 10/9 c), looking for something to get my heart beating again. Fully expecting a distant cousin of Wes Craven’s masterpiece “Swamp Thing”, I discovered instead a pocket of the world where apparently evolution is yet to be defined, or by most accounts is late for the party.

For those yet to experience “Swamp People”, it is an unscripted diary chronicling the rudimentary existence of Louisiana’s Alligator hunters. It’s the Beverly Hillbillies meet the Crocodile Hunter.

If you’re confused why this is on the Sports Page, before continuing let me mention alligator hunting is in fact a sport; and it’s been a slow sports week otherwise.

Since the number of you who have been struck by lightning is probably higher than the number who have actually been Alligator hunting before, I will summarize the concept in one sentence.

You find the perfect swamp stump, wrap a shoestring with a barbed fishhook large enough to make Captain Hook jealous around it and wait until an Alligator bites into the rotting chicken meat you’ve baited it with.

To be fair Times Square the Atchafalaya River Basin is not. A million acre swamp that gashes the southern third of Louisiana, this remote wilderness is home to 300 different bird species, an estimated 1.5 million Alligators and, of course, the Swamp People. With this in mind it’s understandable that harvesting gators has been a way of life there far longer than the state of Louisiana has been around.

Acadians, or Cajuns as many know them, take pride in the fact they were castaways. Sent down from Canada to start a new life, few could have realized they would settle into the Atchafalaya swamp only to lie unmolested for 200 years. That was until, like a frozen caveman, a group of History Channel Producers unearthed them in a state of perfect preservation.

What “Swamp People” does is shed light on a part of Americana few realize existed. Fried alligator, swamp rats, grown men hunting half-naked (save a pair of overalls) in Crocs (no pun intended, one was literally wearing Crocs), “Swamp People” is as entertaining as it is crude.

Say what you will, you have to love “Swamp People” for being the one show that dares to stick a finger in PETA’s eye. It’s the politically incorrect elephant in the room in an era when environmental awareness has arguably never been higher.

If the sight of a spider on the floor sends you running for the high ground safety that is the coffee table, then “Swamp People” is probably not for you. The show is so over the top it’s almost as if a group of History Channel producers literally asked a table of writers to put together something so insensitive it would convince the entire nation to join PETA overnight.

What “Swamp People” is to me, if you can get by the images of a rifle being jammed against the head of an alligator writhing for his life, is a celebration of American Culture. Oral history in the digital age. Uncomfortable as some may find it, “Swamp People” is actually the closest thing we’ve probably ever seen to Reality Television. Yes, its official- Reality TV has a new standard bearer. No matter what anyone says, “Swamp People” is a show full of teeth.

Bill Lynch and the Indiana Hoosiers are Runnin' down their own dreams

First appeared on October 6th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

It’s been twenty years since Tom Petty released “Full Moon Fever”. I only remember it because it was the first cassette tape I ever bought. For those of you too young to know, a cassette was like an IPOD before there were IPOD’s. Well, I guess that’s only true if IPOD’s held less than 12 songs and were eaten by the cassette player of my car every other day. So I guess in reality a cassette is like an IPOD only far less cooler (although you can’t fix an IPOD with scotch tape and a ball point pen).


This random foray into the evolution of popular music is part of a circuitous route to the fact that hearing “Runnin’ Down a Dream” come over the car radio the other day spun me into a stream of consciousness. It was a magical experience dominated by visions of a Chevy Cavalier complete with black interior and no A/C, kitschy album artwork, one incredible road trip song and Indiana University’s football team; all at 70 MPH.

“It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down”

What a place and time to have one of the great performances in school history. Broadcast on ESPN, potential recruits saw one of Indiana Football’s largest crowds ever crammed into Memorial Stadium. And what followed can only be described as tremendous.

“I felt so good, like anything was possible”

There was an unfamiliar air of confidence in Bloomington Saturday. An energy generated by an undefeated start and magical memories from the Big House a year before. What followed was simply an incredible performance (offensive performance mind you). Unfazed by Heisman hype, the Hoosiers matched Michigan (AP #18) punch for punch as both offenses were unstoppable (over 1100 total yards).

The resolve Indiana showed much of last year was still there. A potent offense mixed with grit and toughness. Coming back time and again until, after the commentators had repeatedly said “you like Indiana’s chances if Robinson has to beat you with his arm”, Robinson went out and beat IU with his arm.

“Runnin’ down a dream, that never would come to me”

For three years now head coach Bill Lynch and his Indiana Hoosiers have been running down their own dream. Lynch has gone from a bowl berth piloting a team covered with Terry Hoeppner’s fingerprints to creating one marked by his own. Everyone in IU’s locker room is fighting for respect, fighting for recruits and fighting to the end in games the program used to find embarrassing.

“workin’ on a mystery, goin’ wherever it leads”

My crystal ball tells me the Hoosiers will make a bowl appearance this year, of course in 1989 the same crystal ball told me to buy as many cassettes as possible because the technology could NEVER get better.

The Hoosiers have another difficult test in Ohio State this week before Arkansas State comes up for Homecoming. This should be a welcome confidence boost before the final six games. A stretch including ranked opponents in Iowa and Wisconsin and a home game against Penn State that Athletic Director Fred Glass might regret moving to Maryland.

Counting Arkansas State, the Hoosiers will likely need to find 3 more wins if they want to go bowling. Beating Northwestern and Illinois would set up another must win with Purdue like the one that saw Austin Starr nail the kick heard round the state.

So come December just what tune will Bill Lynch be singing? Hoosier fans hope it includes Petty’s last line:

“There’s somethin’ good waitin’ down this road, and I’m pickin’ up whatever is mine”.

Will the third Zeller be the charm for IU?

First appeared on September 28th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter
So Washington High School’s Cody Zeller is the “must get” Tom Crean “must get” or apparently the four horsemen of the apocalypse will ride into Crean’s living room and it won’t be to shoot a Capital One commercial. This is what the local media types would have us believe. I’ll openly admit listening to and reading local sports personalities; if it weren’t for them then coming up with material would be like A LOT harder plus I wouldn’t be able to spell complicated words like sensationalism or non-partisanship.


And it’s probably best explained before I go on that I don’t buy anyone peddling high school kids like pieces of meat. Nowadays it would seem any Plecostomus with a laptop and no distinguishable form of a life produces their own list of prospects. What happened to the days when people left it to Street and Smith’s or George Michael (of the “Sports Machine” fame, not of the “public bathroom” fame) to tell them who the best players where?

Some believe, when it comes to Zeller, that Crean needs to do whatever necessary to bring the kid to B-Town- except for going all “Ricky Roe” and rolling in a family tractor that is; or calling him every 30 seconds as one former IU coach is likely to suggest.

It all makes one wonder if this is about Crean landing a top recruit or if it’s more about IU whiffing at the first two Zellers? I think it’s really more about public perception. All apologies to Purdue, but since I’ve been alive the public perception (and by public we’re speaking of the 294 million Americans not living in Indiana) has been that Indiana University has the top basketball program in the state.

Understanding nature’s rule that there be only one big dog in every pack; the rest are required to stay on the porch. And as far as Indiana’s proverbial front porch is concerned, Butler is as close as they have ever been to supplanting the Hoosiers as the big dog. And before I go on, no-Indiana’s proverbial front porch does not include any form of washer-dryer combination.

Which brings us back to Zeller. Who cares if he goes to North Carolina anyway? Would that be the end of the world? I mean it’s not like the Surgeon General’s put out a warning that DVR causes cancer or MTV is cancelling “The Hills” (What’s that? They cancelled “The Hills”?).

Hoosier fans can’t see Zeller’s choosing another school as a bad thing. A bad thing would be announcing the demolition of Assembly Hall the day after Zeller passes on IU or signing Oprah’s Texting While Driving Ban simply because you secretly hold out hope she will give you a car or a trip to Australia for doing so.

This is more about ours being a world of instant gratification. A world slowly breeding an entire generation of people too impatient to wait for anything (these people don’t read newspapers because yesterday’s news is SO yesterday). Why watch Indiana struggle when you can just go to Wal-Mart, buy some Butler boxer shorts and call yourself a fan? Besides, it’s a far easier move than stomaching another double figure loss to Kentucky.

The NCAA early signing period starts the second week of November. After visiting Butler and North Carolina, Zeller’s “Magical Mystery Tour” will conclude in Bloomington on October 31st. If the Hoosier’s lose him to UNC it’s not “Tom-you better start looking over your shoulder news”. But should Crean lose Zeller to Butler, then panic might have good reason to go house hunting in Bloomington.

Manning Bowl II Long on Hype, Short on Results

The list of things I have rooted against in my life is short. Global warming, Communist China, anyone coaching professional football in a hooded sweatshirt. But, this being said, for some strange reason I was apathetic about the 24 first half points the Colts put on the board Sunday night.


Somehow I was hoping “Manning Bowl II” would leave the Colts 0-2. It’s not that I want to see the Colts fail. It’s just that 0-2 is far more dramatic than 1-1. 0-2 means a direct flight to Panicville. 0-2 means angry mobs of people in the streets with pitchforks and torches. 0-2 forces terrified Colts fans to buy newspapers out of fear while 1-1 sells newspapers to terrified fans with pet parakeets.

I suppose in my mind 0-2 would have become 0-4. Then the greatest comeback in NFL history would follow as the Colts would rise like a Phoenix from the depths of ineffectiveness powered by the laser-rocket arm of their soon to be five time league MVP. And, after embarrassing whatever NFC poser was offered up for ritual sacrifice, Indianapolis would hoist another Lombardi Trophy. But the Colts won and now finding something to write about just became much harder.

Unless you’re a Colts fan “Manning Bowl II” didn’t meet any of the pre-“Manning Bowl II” hype generated by the talking heads at NBC. In fact if the Peacock wanted a competitive game, they’d have been better served pulling Papa Manning out of his luxury suite and putting him under center for the Giants.

And don’t go telling me not to take all this winning for granted; I’ve already done that. I’m no different than any other Colts fan. I look for the negatives in every win. “Yes we won by 24, but how many rushing yards did we have? How many rushing yards did they have? Our back-up quarterback couldn’t pass a bad Taco and did you hear Bob Sanders needs total hip replacement surgery?”

The games most exciting moment came in the third quarter when a disgruntled Brandon Jacobs fired his helmet into the crowd. Or fired it off the equipment cases only to have it ricochet into the crowd, or tried to spike it off the bench only to have it slip out of his; well let’s just say his helmet found its way into the stands “magic bullet” style. To be clear, if Jacob’s helmet wound up in my lap, I’d have been out of Lucas Oil faster than the Giants were out of Sunday night’s game.

Which of course forces one ponder the legal rights of drunk and disorderly fans. What does the Constitution say about professional football team paraphernalia that finds the hands of irrational people? Surely this isn’t a scenario the Framers overlooked.

Clearly the gaggle of people circling the fan with the helmet each appeared to have their own interpretation of the situation. Judging by all the gesturing and pointing, it was evident Hoosiers are fully aware of their legal rights when it comes to stray athletic equipment. And while I’m not a licensed lip reader, I’m almost certain one of them was telling Security “possession is 9/10ths of the law.”

So climb down off the ledge Ye Colts fans for all appears to be well with your Boys in Blue. Just be forewarned, should you happen to have a helmet fired your direction by a 6’4-265 pound running back, run for the exits like the building’s on fire or not only will you lose the helmet but you’ll come off looking confused and weak on national television.

Houston: Indianapolis has lots of problems

First appeared on September 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

John D. Rockefeller was famous for turning disasters into opportunities. That mindset, and more money than the Federal Reserve of Uganda, are the only two things separating Rockefeller from me. But turning a disaster around requires learning from mistakes and while the Colts may be above this, their 34-24 loss at Texas Sunday taught me much about football and life.


I discovered one apparent off season goal of NFL brass was to find a way to keep Peyton Manning from dominating their league. Evidence of this can be found in a rule change that slows play down and the fact they made the four time MVP play without an offensive line for most of Sunday’s game.

I learned Bob Sanders is 2 inches shorter than me which felt pretty good; that was until they said he was 50 pounds heavier. Sanders could punch my ticket to the hospital quicker than a UPS truck delivering sand bags, but I’m pretty confident I could find a way to survive more than 1 series if you gave me 7 months to prepare (I was REALLY good at Dodgeball back in the day).

I found out the lagging economy has finally trickled up to professional sports. Apparently the NFL can only afford “one size fits all” shirts for referees. And while this look might work for most, one noticeable exception is Ed Hochuli (Imagine Lou Ferrigno wearing a shirt made for Gary Coleman).

In an effort to make up for its wardrobe budget shortfall, the NFL is trading spandex for an increase in safety. By moving Umpires behind the offense they take a 50-something out of a busy intersection jammed with 20-something super-athletes trying to behead each other.

Of course, as only they can do, the NFL has complicated things as much as possible. Considering there are several scenarios where the Umpire has to relocate behind the defense, it would seem the league that made instant replay has somehow found a way to increase the level of “human element” in their game.

To summarize, Indianapolis still can’t run the ball or stop someone from doing so, Pierre Garcon is still an expert of catching all passes meaningless and the Colts are still most effective playing without a lead. Things were so bad Sunday, Houston’s riding an undrafted player to a win stands as clear evidence they were simply showing off.

Dan Dierdorf’s honesty taught us much. “I can’t remember the last time I saw a defense… completely shredded… like that” the long-toothed color man pontificated in the fourth quarter, which revealed not that he hasn’t watched much football, just that he had never seen the Colts play before.

Manning’s frustrations boomeranged him back to darker days when he often came off the field frothing at the mouth. Protection issues and missed opportunities had the Colts QB, as my wife and I say of our 2 year old when he’s unhappy, “speaking whinese” most of the day.

So what can Colts fans look forward to? Well, the defense team officials boasted “could be one of our best” gave up a franchise record for rushing yards in a single game to an undrafted running back Sunday; so you’ll have to get creative.

And then there was poor Devin Moore, reminding us all why the NFL should just eliminate the kick off all together. For every time somebody returns one, a penalty immediately negates the games most exciting play. I guess when it comes to the Colts refusing to address the obvious every year, or fast food restaurants having Facebook pages, some things are best left unexplained.

Chasing the American Spirit Lance Armstrong Style

First appeared on September 8th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There was a time when the American Spirit was a great source of pride in this country. And while she had a good run, for our purposes here the American Spirit is dead and gone. Of course this declaration is based solely upon America’s alarming obesity rate and the staggering amount of people voting via text during the American Idol results shows.


It’s depressing to realize future generations will never know the American Spirit as our fathers and grandfathers knew it. Yet somehow we must come to terms, in the same way we struggle to understand why we’ll never witness a Dodo in the wild or get to see David Hasselhoff performing live in German.

Of course determining where the American Spirit was first born is a debate rivaling the greatest man has known. Something comparable even to Original Captain Crunch versus Crunch Berries.

Whether first etched on cave walls thousands of years ago, or discovered at the bottom of a Sam Adams pint, the unique belief system that would evolve into the American Spirit was once indomitable. American Spirit persevered through the Civil War and carried us through the Great Depression and Second World War. The American Spirit led us to the Moon in 1969 and has brought us tremendous leaders and innovators like Theodore Roosevelt, Dwight David Eisenhower and Vince Shlomi (the Sham Wow guy).

Unfortunately the American Spirit lost steam somewhere. And as the identity of Americans began to melt away, many took solace in color television, foreign cars and fast food. And while most logical thinking people are right to point a judgmental finger at Rock and Roll, others realize Americans have simply gone rogue, turned selfish and fallen prey to the two greatest threats the American Spirit has faced since Nazi Germany; the political rationalizations of Hollywood movie stars and Facebook.

Theodore Roosevelt once romanticized the brutality of football embodied the American Spirit, but if Roosevelt were alive today he would surely recognize a more accurate analogy is likely competitive eating or sleep number beds.

Enter Boise Idaho’s Vogel family who, after trekking 14,000 miles via bicycle from Alaska to Bolivia as a family, have once again reignited the fire formerly known as the American Spirit. Navigating the Pan-American Highway in true Lewis and Clark fashion, the Vogels will have gone a total of 18,000 miles when they reach their final destination of Tierra del Fuego.

Corralling the sense of exploration and adventure that once formed the backbone of the American Spirit, the Vogel’s have given hope to every American family struggling with vacation ideas or a reason to go bike riding together.

Yes it would seem, before their story at least, the only thing most Americans felt compelled to explore was the internet or a bag of cool ranch Doritos. Now, considering the Vogel’s have survived 14,000 miles, it would seem no destination is off limits. China, Kenya, the U.S.S.R. (OK, so maybe pedaling to the U.S.S.R. is going to be tough).

Before the Vogel’s inspirational trip I’ll admit that I believed the American Spirit was a relic of years gone by. An oxymoron of sorts, like “jumbo shrimp” or “Accelerate Indiana”. This being said, let their story serve as a wake-up call; life doesn’t stand still. It’s up to us to saddle up and pedal after it. Whether that means riding a bike to Mongolia or simply finally putting down that Doritos bag, get out there and be an American. The good news here is that as Americans we can do whatever we want; and for that we can thank the American Spirit.

This college season expectations are everywhere

When the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, they surely expected the King of England wouldn’t take it well, just as Marty McFly surely expected one wild ride when he climbed into Doc Brown’s DeLorean Motor Car. Expectations are nothing new.


Few know expectations better than college football coaches. Those writers suffering from TCA (Tired Cliché Addiction) might opine “they come with the territory”. Expectations follow college coaches around like the paparazzi and when things go south they hover overhead like vultures spying a trash dump.

Yes it would seem expectations are not unlike Justin Bieber, they’re everywhere, they’re overhyped and they’re often taken way too seriously. Except that is when you are the head football coach at Indiana University. Expectations haven’t been seen in Bloomington since the Cutters expected to lose at Little Five.

Despite notching only one Big Ten win last year, IU still harvested their largest

attendance numbers since 1992. This is due in large part due to AD Fred Glass marketing Memorial Stadium as Indiana’s version of a “one tank trip to Disney World”. Head coach Bill Lynch is competent enough to realize the only successful battle strategy in a war against empty seats is winning football games however.

By returning a duo of talented wide outs who ranked 3rd in yardage last season, Lynch has perhaps his best shot thus far. Returning Senior Ben Chappell averaged the second most passing yards per game in the leauge. Combine this with the NFL storylines generated by Tracy Porter and Roger Saffold and the Hoosier football program appears to be gaining the traction they’ve so longed for.

Unfortunately, this is the worst news Lynch could have gotten. In real expectations, he suddenly finds himself flirting with a fickle lady. No expectations allowed Lynch to quietly reshape the program in his image, real expectations could wind up sealing his fate.

With Purdue’s long strange love affair with Joe Tiller firmly planted in the rearview, the Boiler’s first campaign under Danny Hope brought mixed reviews. After a horrendous start, a surprising upset of Ohio State triggered an avalanche finish that saw the team win four of their last six games. All this of course leads to definite uncertainty.

Was their strong finish more the product of Danny Hope’s coaching, or was it simply Ohio State’s ineffectiveness that struck like a steroid shot to the psyche strong enough to carry the team through six games? This season should go a long way towards answering that question. Safe money knows Purdue fans won’t be nearly as patient as fans in Bloomington have been however.

Hope’s season, and career likely, would benefit from his finding lightning in a bottle early. His best shot comes this weekend. Hope needs to go into Notre Dame Stadium and deck new head coach Brian Kelly in his first game. After that, the Boilers should benefit from not playing Iowa or Penn State during the regular season.

Notre Dame begins a new era under Brian Kelly and, like a bad Lifetime Movie, it’s looking like the one where the husband (aka head coach) learns the hard way that flirting with his co-worker (aka expectations) is dangerous. At a non-football school Kelly devoured expectations like a trucker inhaling a five dollar steak. But after alerting NBC exec’s to shorten commercial breaks because his offense is faster than the German Blitkreig, Kelly may have opened the door for expectations. Somebody should pull him aside and remind him that expectations bought the billboard that helped run Charlie Weis out of town. Either way, fans can expect an interesting season.

"Now there's a steal by Bird!"

First appeared on August 25th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

If uncertain economic times have taught us anything it’s that good deals are hard to come by. And before you lose interest, this isn’t one of those tired “gas was only 95 cents when I was a senior” columns (although it really was). No, I’m afraid this is a tired column of a different sort.


For proof times are hard, and to see how far the mighty have fallen, one need look no further than high society’s long-time standard bearer. Of course we’re talking about Denny’s, home of the Grand Slam breakfast and godsend for heart surgeons everywhere.

Born from their obvious love of the Colts and a less obvious, but more understandable, desire to increase the number of hands on their menus, Denny’s is offering fans free coke or coffee anytime Indianapolis beats an opponent at the Luke by more than 24 points. Really? 24 points? The only deal more generous would be McDonalds giving away free ketchup packets if Peyton throws for 6,000 yards and 18 touchdowns in the third quarter of a Thursday night game.

But just when it seemed the days of cheap coffee and free television were gone, the Pacers may have stumbled upon the deal of the century in trading for point guard Darren Collison. OK, so maybe it’s not the deal of the century but it is a trade that doesn’t involve money or the all too popular “player to be named later”. It’s not uncommon for trades to force the part-time sports columnist to report the facts and do what we as Americans do best; point out all the shortcomings while predicting the ultimate doom of professional sports itself.

In a four team trade the Pacers sent Troy Murphy to New Jersey and received point guard Darren Collison and small forward James Posey from New Orleans. Other players involved were Indianapolis native Courtney Lee who left the Nets to join the Rockets as former Laker Trevor Ariza who went from Houston to the Hornets.

Pacers President Larry Bird made it clear earlier in the summer that the Pacers needed talent at the point guard position. After targeting Collison in college the Pacers were forced to wait until last week before finally landing him. In Collison, a former Bruin and Rancho Cucamunga native, the Pacers get a second year player who showed promise while covering for an injured Chris Paul. He is also a player who, as his former college coach Ben Howland put it, ‘only cares about winning’.

The unfortunate thing for the Pacers is, when you’re a franchise with more issues than British Petroleum, this trade likely becomes a mere Band-Aid. In dealing Murphy a team that was already one of the leagues worst at rebounding loses its top rebounder. In getting veteran James Posey, the Pacers gain the last thing they really needed- another talented wing.

Posey’s acquisition is intriguing however, considering he has two championship rings and is a proven winner (playoffs 6 of the last 8 years). But the Pacers depth at wing likely relegates him to being the X factor who may never get the chance to be an X factor for he would have to take time from either the Pacers best scorer (Granger), their best defender (Dahntay Jones) or their top draft choice (Paul George).

These issues admittedly appear more manageable now that Bird has secured a talent who might be able to fill some seats. For now the Pacers should keep Collison around, if for no other reason than fans will get to hear Mark Boyle wrestle with “Rancho Cucamunga” on a nightly basis.

August not the best time to give up on Baseball

First appeared on August 22nd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

After much thought and intense Phil-Jackson-like soul searching, I’ve decided to make one of the boldest predictions in the history of part-time pretend sports columnists. I am ready to say, with a record of 20 games under .500, the Cubs won’t be winning the World Series again this year.


Just writing those words alone has forced me to call upon every power I have as both a writer and Cubs fan. It’s like Ronald McDonald eating a Whopper or Neil Armstrong admitting he never went to the moon.

With their baseball season lost for another 8 months, Cubs fans now find themselves on the hunt for a new sport to fill their downtime. Meaningful football is still a month away which means we’ve entered an uncomfortable lull in the world of sports. And, with officials breaking up the Cockfighting ring in Shelby County earlier this summer, another option has been eliminated for those of us who lack a social conscience or have gambling problems.

Perhaps like me, most Cubs fans turned to Shark week on Discovery to fill the void a combination of quality starts and anemic run production has left within us all. Shark Week taught us a lot. Like the fact the male Bull Shark’s testosterone level is a staggering 900. Knowing the average human's level is closer to a measly 40 suddenly makes cleaning the Gulf look far less pressing.

It bears mentioning the last time I had it checked my doctor said, instead of a Bull Shark, my testosterone level was somewhere closer to that of a wildebeest; a rabid wildebeest with access to performance enhancing drugs and a vendetta against a high school English teacher who once compared his writing to something off a Bazooka wrapper no doubt.

With 125 reported shark attacks last year off the coast of South Africa alone it’s clear the campaign launched by Great White’s everywhere to restore the despotic reputation Jaws helped them build in the seventies is going well. Forget the 8,000 miles one must travel to get there or the fact you don’t fill a bathing suit as flatteringly as you once did, now there are 125 more convenient reasons you should never swim off the coast of South Africa.

Gambling requires money, Euchre requires thought and playing sports requires actual physical activity. I need a sport I can watch that allows me to achieve a state of vegetativeness while remaining as horizontal as possible. That sport was baseball until I gave up on the season.

If there’s a silver lining anywhere it’s the fact the Cubs aren’t the only ones playing meaningless baseball this late in the season. Currently there are six Major League teams who are more than 20 games out of first place.

So it is in a Bermuda Triangle of apathy Cub fans must remain adrift until real football arrives. Another depressing September and fruitless October await. We can only hope ours will be a fall full of warm temperatures, bright foliage and highlights of anyone besides the Yankees or Cardinals.

In the meantime I suppose my free time will be filled tackling the insurmountable task of potty training our 2 year old. Exciting, maddening and unpredictable-it contains all the elements of sport and, at the rate we’re progressing currently, chances are he will keep us busy until opening day 2011 anyway.

Given the progress we’ve seen to this point, one must wonder which will happen first; his shedding his last diaper, or my beloved Cubs hoisting another championship banner. Here’s an insiders tip straight out of Vegas- My son is more stubborn than me, smart money rides on the North-Siders.

This just in: Tiger Woods is human

First appeared on August 11th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

In December of 1975 Earl and Tida Woods welcomed their son Eldrick Tont (Tiger) Woods into the world. That’s right, he came out screaming and covered with cow snot just like the rest of us. He is not, contrary to popular opinion, the incarnation of Eastern Blok scientists laboring for a new class of super-athlete capable of resurrecting the iron curtain through the domination of American sport, or a castaway from the third planet from Altar. There’s a real human being under that black swoosh hat and red polo.


Coming off one of the worst finishes of his career at the Bridgestone Invitational over the weekend, Tiger’s troubles on and off the course are center stage again. Like the Bat Signal glowing on the horizon, we’ve seen the headlines of a very public divorce and turned out en masse to rescue our hero by dumping advice on him like toxic waste in a Jersey landfill.

Diagnoses range from his having a George Steinbrenner-like relationship with swing coaches to the obvious inability to focus as his world crumbles before him on the most public of stages.

Before I go on, allow me to stray from my point like a poorly struck 3 wood. But if anything, his performance this weekend has simply affirmed what many of us have known all along. Golf is the most frustrating sport in the history of man. And as we watched the myth that was Tiger Woods slowly deflating to human form Sunday let it be a reminder that no man is above the media. And don’t kid yourself, even as bad he’s playing right now, you’re better off dancing in the fairway to “Anyway you Want It” Rodney-Dangerfield-style than going so far as to fool yourself that your game will ever approach his.

The thing that gets lost in all of this is that Woods is a human being just like you and I. Well, I guess I shouldn’t speak for you considering the Japanese have robots capable of reading newspapers to the elderly and those too young to read. Yes Woods can make a golf ball do amazing things, but the basic fact remains there are grocery clerks who possess skills Tiger does not.

Who knows what they are. Maybe Woods can’t change a spark plug or read Latin, whatever it is for every one Tiger there are 10,000 others out there whose skills are just as, if not more, valuable. It’s just too easy to turn on ESPN and forget ours is a diverse world full of people with varying strengths (the most by far being outside the sports world). The hang up is, at least in our culture, the value that we place on athletic skill is undoubtedly out of balance.

Which brings me to my point. This isn’t about Tiger Woods. This is more about how wrapped up in sports we can get. Sports are entertainment, a wonderful form of escape. We love sports, but in true American fashion watching sports simply isn’t enough; we want more (see the Louisiana Purchase or Oprah starting her own network). We want our athletes to be other-worldly. We don’t want them to be ordinary people with everyday problems.

Perhaps in Tigers case everyone is to blame. We as a public for rubbernecking at Woods like a train on hippo collision and Tiger for not taking a break from the tour to focus on getting his personal life together. Either way we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that he’s only a few shanked tee balls away from being the accountant living down the street.

And now for the least researched NFL preview in the history of the world

First appeared on August 4th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

For those of us who consider soup can labels to be quality leisure reading a new television season looms like the promise of a good 5 cent cigar or high speed internet for all. The networks will tell us the greatest season of new shows awaits when in all likelihood half will get cancelled, one might reach syndication and the rest will suffer the wrath of the unemployed screenwriter (i.e. television critics).


However fans of the NFL are likely to discover the most dramatic and entertaining moments will appear on the gridiron this season. TV aficionados and fantasy football geeks won’t struggle for discussion topics should some strange nexus of the universe ever bring them together.

Television and football are not all that different. In fact many parallels exist between the upcoming football season and those TV programs we’ve come to love so; or at least I’m going to use the next 400 words to pretend as much.

After cashing a ridiculous paycheck, Washington Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth promptly celebrated by failing multiple conditioning tests. For taking over 20 million dollars in salary before demanding a trade and then attempting to make amends by doing nothing but eating donuts and Corn Puffs all offseason, Haynesworth has quickly become the NFL’s version of “The Biggest Loser”. Scorned by every sports columnist in the nation, including the part-time pretend, Haynesworth has become a popular man in the league for all the wrong reasons. In the end however it will likely be Skins owner Daniel Snyder and new coach Mike Shanahan that will be the biggest losers in all of this.

Nothing will compare to what we will likely see coming out of Cincinnati this season. The Bengals have created “must see TV” by brining Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and free agent wide out Terrell Owens together. I give it five games before we’ll be treated to something reminiscent of a hilariously bizarre episode of “The Marriage Ref”.

By dubbing themselves the “dynamic duo”, Ochocinco and Owens have proved true the old theory that anyone giving themselves a nickname is either painfully desperate, friendless or a victim of Father Time whose production is waning. After all, isn’t referring to yourself as a superhero a bit ambitious considering all legitimate superheroes earned their nicknames by doing something other-worldly like reversing the spin of the Earth or winning a seat as a Tea Party candidate, not simply showing up for training camp?

All American Boy Tim Tebow has joined the Broncos and his jersey is already moving faster than free beer. With him doing everything at the college level short of walking on water, Tebow is the closest thing the NFL has to an “American Idol”. I see Randy telling Tebow “it just didn’t do it for me dog” before Paula makes an embarrassing pass at him. Unfortunately, after trying to squeeze into a 3T T-shirt, Simon will have asphyxiated; thus leaving the deciding vote uncast.

It’s time for a big finish now because I’m running out of space (and ideas).For breaking tradition in training camp and refusing to carry a veteran’s pads, Cowboy rookie Dez Bryant appears cut from the same cloth as those stars of TV’s “The Apprentice”. This shoe fits if for no other reason than he’s soon to be whispering “you’re fired” into Roy Williams’ ear.

What about the Colts you ask? Longevity, a single marketable superstar, consistent greatness and a history of doing things with class? Sounds like “The Simpsons” to me. Either way, enjoy this season football fans for the great lock out of 2011 promises wall to wall infomercials for all.

NCAA: The IRS of organized sport

First appeared on July 27th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

With the revelation that Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush took money while playing football at USC a whole new debate has surfaced on the sports landscape. Well, perhaps “reared its ugly head again” is the more applicable cliché. Allegations that Florida’s Maurkice Pouncey took money from a sports agent as well suddenly have fans, coaches and sportswriters alike calling for change. Well at least the sportswriters are.


In the past we have seen the NCAA hammer schools with suspensions, forfeitures and lost scholarships. Schools in turn have responded by falling over themselves apologetically before firing coaches and athletic directors. What we rarely see are the “student athletes” themselves being held accountable.

Nowhere before has the “one bad apple” theory fit more appropriately than in this scenario. There are literally thousands of Division One student athletes who are actually trading college sports for the chance to prepare themselves for a career outside of athletics. I understand this because I watch the Big Ten network and they keep the same NCAA commercial on a constant loop.

Unfortunately all it takes is one Reggie Bush, one scumball agent, one Kelvin Sampson and the entire system takes a hit. Unfortunately with hundreds of schools offering dozens of sports the numbers of student athletes totals in the thousands. In other words, this is likely a lion too big for anybody to tame. Even somebody with a solid track record for efficiency like the U.S. Government probably couldn’t help. Major college sports is King Kong on the Empire State building and the NCAA is an ant with a bullhorn trying to talk him down.

The bottom line is if coaches are worth millions to universities and the games generate millions more for networks perhaps the word “amateur” needs to be reevaluated. In the meantime we need to look at a way to dim the luster of the money agents wield. With recruiting extending all the way down to the junior high levels these days it would make sense for the NBA and NFL to become more involved before we witness the disgusting sight of agents leaching themselves to pregnant mothers.

Somebody, the President of the NCAA, retired Admiral Thad Allen or USC great Pete Carroll (OK, so maybe not Pete Carroll), needs to get the NFL and NBA on the same page to ensure players, along with institutions and coaches, are held accountable when things like this happen. By fining or suspending those players who have transitioned from college to the professional ranks before allegations break, you might be able to make them reconsider taking gifts from agents in the first place.

As for the agents themselves, there are several ways to deal with them. Few of which are legal. I suggest ritual sacrifice or a Mexican firing squad. And yes they still exist, my uncle’s in one.

I suppose the argument could be made that this is all simply a sign of how backward we are as a society. One need look no further than the Nobel committee recognizing three guys for studying the structure of Ribosomes when clearly there are more deserving people in the world; like the guy who invented DVR for example.

So what do we really have here? Another embarrassing moment. Another reason for the big time programs to reevaluate the ways they cheat. Another month or so of everyone trotting their high horses out to politic for the preservation of the purity of college sports. All the while proposing no solutions and changing absolutely nothing. The good news is the college football season will be here before you know it.

The Reds are back so...where are the fans?

First appeared on July 20th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

So the National League finally did it. For the first time since 1996 they beat the American League All Star team. Perhaps more astonishing to the casual fan than the game’s outcome was the fact that four of the victorious All Stars came from Cincinnati.


Before you ask me to repeat it, the Reds themselves must view their All Stars as proof they quietly put together a solid first half. After all they went into the All Star break leading the Central Division, and no, we don’t have time to discuss how weak the Central is this year because we’re too busy celebrating Cincinnati’s success.

It’s to the point now that some Reds fans are daring to utter a phrase that group swore off long ago. “Playoffs”? Looking back at the past 15 years, the dreams of any Cincinnati team contending for anything were gone about as fast as an I-Phone 4G can drop a call.

Cincinnati has long been the place where professional athletes went to die. Stranded in a desert starved of contenders, for some time now Cincy has been an ugly wasteland dotted with bungled opportunities and the occasional lost chance. The Reds franchise itself was a fruitless plantain tree struggling to stand in a rainforest of losses.

Unless you count 1999’s one game playoff with the Mets, the Reds have not seen the postseason since 1995. In fact, since the year 2000 the best finish the Reds could muster in the National League’s Central Division was 3rd.

But there’s a new set of roustabouts on deck in the Queen city now and having four representatives on this year’s All Star team is enough for us to believe fifteen years of bad memories have been boxed up and barged down the Ohio.

While as a staff the Reds have not had outstanding pitching, starters Bronsen Arroyo and Johnny Cueto have been solid. Arroyo leads the team with 10 wins and Cueto has amassed 79 strike outs. Perhaps most amazing is journeyman reliever Arthur Rhodes who, in 43 appearances, has a sparkling 1.43 ERA.

Cincinnati’s offense helps to balance a less than dominant rotation. All Star Joey Votto leads the team in homers and slugging percentage while, as a team, the Reds are 5th in runs scored, 4th in homers and 3rd in slugging percentage. Of course all this begs the question: Where are you Reds fans?

Given their resurgence, one would think the Great American Ball Park would see more faces than empty seats. Unfortunately attendance is the second lowest they’ve had in five years.

It’s no secret, despite making the playoffs last season, the Bengals have long been a source of consternation. While opposing defenses were laboring to lock up Chad Johnson on the field, many other Bengals were simply getting locked up off it.

But now Cincinnati has a division leader without a rap sheet and where are the fans? Nationally many are waiting for this team to go away. As if the Reds to a man will wake up one day and begin playing like a team capable of being swept by the Bad News Bears. I think the cool kids call it a “collapse”.

Well if they’re planning to choke away the position they’ve put themselves in, this week may be a good time to start. The Reds will get their chance to climb Mt. Strasburg Wednesday night as they battle the Nationals on ESPN. And while ESPN will be busy nominating Strasburg to Cooperstown, Cincinnati will be simply be looking for the one thing that has eluded them all season. Respect.

All the lipstick in Bloomingdales won't help the All Star game

First appeared on July 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There are times when inspiration just doesn’t strike. Like, take this week for example. I’m sure the Pacers/CIB fiasco would have made for an intelligent column. But an overall lack of basic math skills precluded me from writing that. Clearly, trying to comment on that situation intelligently would have left me sounding like the congressman who argued stationing too many U.S. troops on one island would result in it tipping over (Google it, it’s true).


Then I thought the fact LeBron won’t win a title with the Heat next year would be a safe choice. But I quickly realized every other legitimate sports columnist in the nation has already gone there and it would appear small and uninspired on my part to ride their coattails for another week.

That leaves the logical stand-by. The MLB All Star game. I found myself thinking how cool it would be to go to Anaheim or Los Angeles or wherever the Angels are playing this year and cover the game. It’s not uncommon for most big time sports columnists to have a budget that covers stuff like that after all. Unfortunately my Reporter expense account leaves me with no choice but to write this column in my living room, which I’ll admit is the next best place to LA.

While the All Star game should be a celebration of superstars and fantasy match ups, it’s instead become hokey and predictable. It started with an unfinished extra innings disaster whose illegitimate child became known as “this one counts”. Now they’re selling us the “All Star game in 3 D”.

Today’s version is a washed up, watered down, PED-free shell of its former self. So how do you fix it? If MLB really wanted ratings they’d have found a way to get Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron to play three on three with Stephen Strasburg, the Barefoot Bandit and Brett Favre.

Of course with the baseball season only being 162 games long, unfortunately we wouldn’t have had enough time to wait on Favre to decide if he wanted to play or not. However sprinkling in a Tiger Woods scandal somewhere in the 3rd or 4th inning would have likely bolstered ratings.

Perhaps they should have included the allure of Russian spies. After all, is there anything more compelling? Well, aside from the origins of that Italy-boot-shaped birthmark Gorbachev wore on his forehead. Perhaps starting the rumor that Strasburg is a Soviet spy sent to destroy American baseball will help build some hype for next year’s game. That might have Joe McCarthy turning over in his grave however; especially if he’s seen Strasburg’s full complement of pitches.

If it’s explanations for the game’s demise you seek, the argument I can formulate while exerting the least amount of thought is the advent of interleague play. It used to be the two leagues only saw each other at the All Star break and during the World Series. This of course meant revenge was on the mind of one of the leagues following a World Series defeat.

If anything interleague play has created friendly rivalries, not the “rip your heart out of your lungs and bowl you over at the plate” hatred we used to see during the midsummer classic. Don’t worry, if you don’t buy this argument I’m not married to it either. So what did we get out of the All Star game in 3D? Somebody famous sang a way-too-long-version of the National Anthem, a bunch of guys grounded out and Joe Buck spit facts out like a programmable robot. Where’s Charlie Hustle when you need him?

LeBron-a-palooza will tell us much about the King

First appeared on July 7th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently LeBron James is a free agent. I mention this now because I see it as my duty as a part time pretend sports columnist to keep you abreast of breaking news in the world of sports. And while LeBron has quickly become the Brett Favre of this summer minus the hokey jeans commercials, most of the rest of the league is awaiting his decision before attacking what is undoubtedly the greatest class of free agents the world, or at least the NBA world, has ever seen.


Like BP’s estimated totals of leaking oil in the Gulf, rumors and opinions about the future of King James are flying furiously, changing rapidly and have been by and large wildly inaccurate.

But for this part time pretend sports columnist, this entire thing is more about James the man than James the player. He’s done more than prove his worth as a player on the court. He could go all “Michael Jordan” on us and retire today to pursue a future as a hand model or professional eater and his bust would still wind up in the Hall of Fame.

What remains to be seen is what type of man LeBron truly is. He is already on record saying this move will be more about championships than money. And if you are part of the New York Knicks ownership that means you can stop reading this now. If James truly wants a championship however he will likely have to accept a lesser role than he’s accustomed to.

For those of you with degrees in history looking for a translation it would be a lot like MacArthur being relieved of his command and, those of us with history degrees, all know how well that worked out. What we’ve seen in the past is during times of adversity James maturity could only be described as “under construction” (for proof see his round 2 loss to Boston this year).

Whether it’s with Dwayne Wade in Miami or Derrick Rose in Chicago, if James final destination is truly a port of call that includes a championship banner he helps hang, that means he’ll have to set sail with a First Mate. And this is one of the few things he’s yet to do on the basketball floor.

This won’t be the first time we’ve seen big stars join forces in the NBA. It worked very well in Boston with the Big Three. But this will be different. Boston took on three players who were edging past their prime and realized their infamous “windows of opportunity” were sliding shut. In Boston’s case they found a group with the maturity necessary to share the spotlight.

When the discussion turns to James, Wade, Rose and Chris Bosh however, we’re talking about players at the top of their game. That’s what makes this all the more interesting. It’s not just, Where will James go? It’s more, Will it really result in a championship? Can two or three guys who have the world by the tail really swallow their egos long enough to do those things necessary to win a title?

There are so many factors to consider when superstars collide. Enormous questions will linger in the locker room like an aged Limburger or stubborn foot fungus. Issues like whose ridiculous “Diego Maradonna-like” demands are to be met first? Demands like taking the final shot, getting announced last during starting line-ups and having a toilet capable of serving custom ordered cappuccinos in their hotel room. Yes these are the often overlooked, yet burning, issues to consider as we watch this drama unfold.

Pacers have definite concerns and they don't involve LeBron-a-Palooza

First appeared on June 29th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently the Pacers have found a diagnosis to explain their swollen list of issues. After seven grueling seasons Indiana has gone from a robust franchise that won 61 games to a shell of its former self that could barely muster half as many wins. After seeing several specialists, 1 herbalist, a Navajo medicine man and Ron Artest’s psychiatrist, the Pacers have come to the realization they suffer from a massive point guard deficiency.


Before I continue I must admit I have in the past and will continue to blame everything (except the drafting of Shawne Williams) on “the Brawl”. Revealing this is just something that’s better to get out of the way early; you know like admitting “I’m a Republican” or “I don’t think Oswald acted alone” to people your meeting for the first time.

The Brawl singlehandedly set the Indiana Pacers franchise back ten years. And if you think this is an overstatement, you’re probably one of those who believes the ocean will clean up the Gulf Coast Oil Spill naturally or that Van Halen was actually better with David Lee Roth.

When Ron Artest apologized to the Pacers after he’d won his championship with the Lakers I found myself thinking it was both touching and ridiculous at the same time. If the guy’s truly remorseful for wading into the stands and derailing Indiana’s title hopes he will cut his ring into 12 pieces and share it with Reggie Miller and the rest of the Pacers he let down. But silly me, he doesn’t have time to do that-he’s got a single coming out.

So the Pacers stand at a crossroads. They shopped the 10th pick until everybody from the Los Angeles Lakers to the Indiana Fever had turned it down and then selected another athletic wing (Paul George from Fresno State). While everyone is busy purging their rosters and dumping players (see Chicago donating Kirk Hinrich to Washington and the current New York Knicks roster) in anticipation of LeBron-a-palooza, the Pacers are hustling for a point guard.

There are two obstacles for Larry Bird to overcome here. One being every team in the league knows what he needs and the other is he only has one or two players who appear attractive to potential trade partners. Outside of this, things are really looking up for the Blue and Gold.

On paper the current roster looked like it could compete for a playoff spot. But then we saw the ineffective, shoot-first mentality of the point guards and Danny Granger’s unwillingness to be a leader on the defensive end of the floor. So what’s the answer? I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea.

But it’s a safe bet heads will roll in Indianapolis if Bird can’t find a trade soon. If he can’t find a way to secure a point guard that can make Jim O’Brien’s system work then I’m forecasting one of the darkest days in the history of Indiana sports. For not only will the Pacers likely be a thousand games under .500 but somebody will have to fire the most famous Hoosier of our time (or simply not ask him back which is essentially the same). I’m imagining the hilarious Seinfeld episode where some Broadway producers ask Kramer to fire the legendary Raquel Welch because she doesn’t move her arms when she tap dances.

If nothing changes by October fans will definitely be ready to move on. Perhaps relocating is the way to go. I’m thinking Seattle or Brazil, some place where they don’t have professional basketball and it rains less than here in Indiana.

All we are saying is give the World Cup a chance

First appeared on June 22nd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

What to get Dad for Father’s Day. We’ve all struggled with it. And now that Father’s Day has passed we can thankfully wait another 364 days before worrying about it again. Whether it be another bad tie, a set of tools so complete he wouldn’t need them all unless he was single handedly rebuilding New Orleans or perhaps a polo doomed to the fate of being inhaled by the 800 pound monster living in his closet (otherwise known as the pile of polos he no longer wears), Father’s Day gifts are tough.


But how many can say what Michael Bradley of USA soccer can say? Bradley’s goal at the 83 minute mark of Friday’s World Cup match against Slovenia not only tied the score 2-2, but likely saved his father (Team USA manager Bob Bradley ) from one of the most embarrassing losses in U.S. soccer history. Happy Father’s Day indeed.

If you’d have told me I’d be writing about soccer again, I’d say that was about as likely as the Friendly City putting together a video to try and lure LeBron away from Cleveland. To be clear, I’m not a soccer guy. I don’t understand the strategy, don’t know many of the rules (and by many here I mean all of them) and, outside of a high school P.E. class, I’ve never really played it. All that may have changed Friday as I, along with 5.2 million other viewers, tuned in to watch Team USA take on upstart Slovenia.

For the second straight match the Americans fought their way out of a hole. Down 2-0 at the half, Team USA was against the ropes and could do nothing but hope Slovenia would suffer a Dustin Johnson like meltdown.

In the world of soccer a 2 nil deficit feels insurmountable. And considering the match up pitted the largest and smallest nations in the World Cup against each other; you had the recipe for great drama. Here’s the part where the United States, led by poster boy Landon Donovan, mounts a historic comeback.

“My guess is there’s not many teams in this tournament that could have done what we did… And that is what the American spirit is about,” Donovan said afterwards, “…I’m sure people back home are proud of that.”

Now back to me. For one day I understood soccer and, despite not having a few spare Euro’s in my pocket and wanting to drink beer with my breakfast, I knew what it meant to be a real footballer.

Now for some straightforward analysis. The U.S. must win Wednesday against Algeria to ensure a chance at moving on. And, while the U.S. has made a habit of falling behind, the good news here is Algeria is yet to score in the tournament so falling behind should prove difficult.

Unfortunately to this point it would seem the World Cup has struggled to gain traction in the states. But there is hope. Considering Americans relish athletes who act conceited and spoiled because they make us feel better about ourselves, Team France losing touch with reality over the weekend may help garner some fans.

A power struggle between a player and his coach has sent the entire French nation into a freefall and forced President Nicolas Sarcozy to dispatch a personal envoy. Yes indeed, Team France’s sudden disfunctionality makes the Lohan family look a lot like the Brady Bunch.

It’s simple now. If the Americans win Wednesday they move on. If they don’t, their chances become slim. But the real point here is, soccer fan or not, give the World Cup a chance.

A brief, yet obligatory, look at the World Cup

First appeared on June 16th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There is a little known statute in the Part-time Sports Columnists code book. Rule #684.A states “When the World Cup comes, those pretending to be sports columnists shall cover it whether or not they know anything at all about soccer.”


So the World Cup is here. Evidently this only happens every 4 years and it is like a really big deal in places that don’t have professional basketball, football and baseball teams to follow or neighborhoods with organized euchre leagues. Before writing this the only thing I knew about soccer was Pele must have been pretty good, and for some reason Brandi Chastain’s name rings a bell. Doing some research in an effort to sound informed I discovered on Wikipedia that Michael Jordan is considered one of the greatest soccer players ever and the 2014 World Cup will be held in Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas.

A carnival of color and noise, the Cup is a seemingly endless parade of one obscure country after another, each awaiting their chance to get pounded by either Brazil or Italy. If anything the World Cup serves as a reminder to us all that we should have paid more attention in geography class.

There are around 200 nations on Earth and it appears as though they are all currently playing in Johannesburg. Heck until sixth grade, I didn’t even know the world had any other countries besides the U.S., Russia and Great Britain or England or the United Kingdom or whatever they want us to call them today.

Divided into 8 groups, 32 total teams qualified to play in Johannesburg. Both the Koreas made it, which should prove interesting if they meet up because it could mark the first time a World Cup match results in a nuclear war.

A notorious traveler, rumor has it the Stanley Cup made an appearance for the opening match. With all the hullaballoo in the states over the NCAA power conferences devouring each other, one can’t help but wonder if E Harmony brought the Stanley Cup and World Cup together, would the result be a sippie cup?

Unthrilling is the only word I can make up to describe how disappointing Friday’s opening match was (South Africa and Mexico finished in a 1-1 tie). As we find ourselves buried under an avalanche of scoreless minutes and cheap plastic noisemakers, the demands of Argentina’s manager Diego Maradona provide some hope for entertainment. Aside from wanting ice cream to be available all day long in his hotel, Maradona also requested a toilet with a heated seat be installed for him. Telling you he wears two watches is probably all the explanation that is required here.

ESPN spent millions trying to make this thing sound exciting only to have the opening match end in a melodramatic tie. Compounding matters one of the most anticipated match-ups (USA v. England) wound up a tie as well. Trying to get American consumers to buy in to all this indecisiveness won’t help soccer’s cause any. American’s like winners. We like to brag and boast and drag losers through the mud and then rub their faces in it. It’s the American way.

Drama is brewing however. Slovenia has taken Group C by storm charging out to a 3-1 lead over both the United States and England. Friday’s match up pitting Slovenia against the United States could go a long way in determining the fate of the Americans chances at playing for the Cup. If it’s a prediction you’re looking for, I probably have as much of chance picking the winner as you have of finding Slovenia on a map.

Rondo runs over "Ghosts of Showtime Past" in key Game 2 win

First appeared on June 8th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

In case you missed it Sunday night, the Boston Celtics rose from the dead to grab control of a Finals series so many had handed to the Lakers. We say “rose from the dead” because the Celtics were conveniently old again after their Game 1 loss. Well somebody call the marketing department at Geritol because Boston has split the series and now has a chance to win the whole thing at home.


So many agreed Los Angeles appeared to have this thing wrapped up. Game 1 was a complete and utter disaster for Boston. The Lakers appeared unbeatable while the Celtics appeared ready for assisted living. It was as if the “Ghosts of Showtime past” had paid the Lakers a visit prior to Game 1 because Los Angeles didn’t just play like they were the best team in the league, they played like they were the best team in league history. The stat sheet was stained Laker purple as Los Angeles won all the key areas: Rebounding, field goal %, three point %, three pointers made, steals, blocked shots and points (Somewhat obvious, I know).

Simply put the Lakers dominated. They looked to be insurmountable, unhittable, literally capable of anything. This includes throwing a perfect game officiated by Major League Umpires.

But then Game 2 happened. Ray Allen jumped in the way back machine and played like it was 2002 again. After scoring 12 points on just 8 field goal attempts in Game 1, Allen bounced back with a sizzling performance in Game 2. This included 8 of 10 from three point range as the nine time All Star scored 27 points in the first half alone. In a little over three days Boston fans went from scrambling for the life boats to placing mass champagne and cigar orders from Celebrations.com.

As great as Allen was, Rajon Rondo is still everything to Boston. The wind in their sails, the gas in their engine, the Rusty Crawdad Clackin’ Rap in their tackle box; however you put it Boston is only going as far as this kid can take them. Sunday night was a perfect example of how dominating the 6’1 Rondo can be as his line read 19 points, 12 rebounds and 10 assists.

The 24 year old point guard’s performance becomes magnified as Superstar Kevin Garnett is nearing the end of his career and playing like he’s already retired. Ron Artest took the “Greatest living Celtic in waiting” (Paul Pierce) out of Game 2 and as far as Boston’s bench goes, all Rasheed Wallace can do now is argue calls and hit the occasional 3 pointer (wait that’s all he’s ever done).

Now, ironically, the only long faces in this series are found in the plastic surgery capital of the world. Fans in Lakerland are especially nervous considering the NBA’s goofy 2-3-2 format. This means Boston controls everything. If the C’s play their cards right the only reason they will go back to Los Angeles this summer will be for a vacation or to shoot an “I’m going to Disneyworld” commercial.

Conspiracy theorists were out en masse Monday claiming the NBA wanted a split series. And, while I’ll admit four of Kobe Bryant’s fouls were strange in a “Tim Donaghy” sort of way, I think the last thing the NBA wants right now is to get caught staging more games. As crafty as officials can be however, they aren’t the ones who had 28 assists. This was a product of the Celtics playing as a team. A performance that no doubt had Red Auerbach and John Wooden both smiling somewhere.

Here we go again; for the 12th time

First appeared on June 3rd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

The United States and Iran refuse to negotiate, a deadly plane crash in Poland, Israel and Palestine suffer another ugly setback and the Lakers and Celtics are in the NBA Finals. This may all sound familiar to those of us who attempt to monitor world events while paying bills, raising our families and eating the occasional piece of apple pie.


Strange but true, while all these stories have happened this year, for our

purposes here they were ripped from the headlines of 1987. Funny how things change and yet stay the same. While the Lakers and Celtics may be making a return to basketball’s biggest stage, thankfully the “Kurt Rambis look”, Magic Johnson’s shorts and Larry Bird’s bad mustache will not.

The 1987 Finals were likely the high-water mark of the Bird vs. Magic era for it was only a year later we saw the face of the NBA change as the Detroit Pistons killed the fast break by tripping, choking and elbowing their way to the Finals.

For me personally the memories of the 1987 Finals are clear. Dick Stockton was repeatedly muttering about how hot it was in the Boston Garden and I can still hear the disgust in Tom Heinsohn’s voice as his beloved Celtics collapsed in six games under a barrage of sky hooks and no- look passes.

But this is 2010 and these aren’t your grandpa’s Lakers and Celtics. Today “Showtime” in L.A. means Kobe is about to take over. Phil Jackson starts two seven footers and has a 6’10 point guard if he needs one. The Lakers led the ultra-competitive Western Conference with 57 wins and also have the league’s third leading scorer in Kobe Bryant.

In 1987 Boston was a number 1 seed and fielded a roster that included 5 future Hall of Famers. The 2010 Celtics are much different. They weren’t even supposed to be here. This was the year LeBron was supposed to get Cleveland to the promise land before bolting for greener (literally) pastures.

Still the Celtics somehow appear a likely favorite. If you’re looking for rationale, I’ll be the first to admit Boston doesn’t look good on paper. They lack gaudy statistics and a coach who is considered the modern day version of Red Auerbach. What Boston does have however is something the average NBA stat geek can’t measure. They are a team fueled by their own heart and toughness and this is what will carry them through the Finals.

In order to win the series however Boston will need to steal a game in L.A. and history has shown the easiest to grab is Game 1. Thursday night Boston needs to hit the floor like a herd of bulls tearing down a Pamplona street. Head Coach Doc Rivers should show a replay of Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals when his Celtics clinched the title by drumming the Lakers by 39 points.

Conversely, Jackson would be well served to do the same. It could be argued that singular loss was the impetus behind the Lakers putting their full faith in Kobe and Kobe putting his full faith in his Jackson. All this faith finding of course culminated in a run that saw the Lakers capture the championship a year later.

Thursday night will mark the 12th time these two have met in the Finals and together they have won a disgusting 32 of the 63 NBA Titles. The faces on the floor and in the stands may be different, but history is there looming large over the Finals. Funny how things change and yet stay the same.