David Copperfield is the most powerful man in the world

First appeared on October 27th
in The Lebanon Reporter

You know that guy who always showed off at college parties using card tricks? With a goggling gaggle lapping his lame act up? I hated those guys. My online therapist says I’m suppressing a childhood fear of magic or clowns; but I think it’s more about my own supernatural shortcomings.


Life isn’t fair and the secret of life may lie in accepting this fact. At some point, bad days will find us all and it’s no different for those in the sports world. One has to wonder if David Copperfield has bad days though. The gold standard of magicians, Copperfield is one of a short list of men whose very names are associated with an unparalleled degree of deception; Copperfield, Houdini, Al Gore.

As for Copperfield though, it’s tough to imagine anybody who owns his own chain of Bahamian Islands having a bad day. Surely anyone who can walk through the Great Wall of China or make the Statue of Liberty disappear could remedy problems plaguing simple folk like us. That’s why whenever I have a bad day I like to play my favorite game; “If I was David Copperfield”.

If I was David Copperfield I would have teleported myself and Purdue coach Danny Hope to Hawaii on Saturday. I would have done this not only to save Hope from the embarrassment of a 49-0 loss at Ohio State, but it also seems like a really cheap way to see Hawaii as well.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my magic talent and creepy expressions to help others. Because making people disappear is as tired as any storyline that includes the names Brett or Favre, I would use my obligatory magic box on wheels instead to heal the knees of both Robbie Hummel and Darius Willis, as well as Dallas Clark’s wrist, and Joseph Addai’s shoulder and the bruised ego of Pat McAfee.

After a disappointing performance from Bill Lynch’s Indiana University football team in Champaign Saturday, if I was David Copperfield I would wave my magic wand and erase your memory. This way you would forget I ever guaranteed a bowl berth for the Hoosiers. What’s that? You hadn’t remembered? See-it’s working all ready.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my death saw to halve the New York Yankees roster and share their best players with the rest of the league. Of course I wouldn’t give anyone to the Rangers or Giants because making the World Series is proof they don’t need help. I wouldn’t help the Phillies either because they almost won their third straight pennant. Oh yeah, and for obvious reasons I wouldn’t give any to the Cardinals. On second thought maybe I would just cut the Yankees in two and give the best half to the Cubs.

While I’m at it, if I was David Copperfield I would have made Steve Bartman’s hands disappear prior to the 8th inning of the 2003 NLCS game 6….don’t worry I would have reappeared them after he signed a notarized letter swearing never to return to Wrigley Field. And why stop with Bartman? If I was David Copperfield I would have made Dwight Clark disappear from the corner of the end zone in the 4th quarter of the 1982 NFC Championship game with :51 seconds left and the Cowboys leading 27-21. And if I was David Copperfield I would also have stolen Christian Laettner’s arms, legs and ability to control bodily functions during Duke’s 1992 Final Four match up with IU.

In retrospect, magicians appear to have it easy. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand them.