A brief, yet obligatory, look at the World Cup

First appeared on June 16th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There is a little known statute in the Part-time Sports Columnists code book. Rule #684.A states “When the World Cup comes, those pretending to be sports columnists shall cover it whether or not they know anything at all about soccer.”


So the World Cup is here. Evidently this only happens every 4 years and it is like a really big deal in places that don’t have professional basketball, football and baseball teams to follow or neighborhoods with organized euchre leagues. Before writing this the only thing I knew about soccer was Pele must have been pretty good, and for some reason Brandi Chastain’s name rings a bell. Doing some research in an effort to sound informed I discovered on Wikipedia that Michael Jordan is considered one of the greatest soccer players ever and the 2014 World Cup will be held in Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas.

A carnival of color and noise, the Cup is a seemingly endless parade of one obscure country after another, each awaiting their chance to get pounded by either Brazil or Italy. If anything the World Cup serves as a reminder to us all that we should have paid more attention in geography class.

There are around 200 nations on Earth and it appears as though they are all currently playing in Johannesburg. Heck until sixth grade, I didn’t even know the world had any other countries besides the U.S., Russia and Great Britain or England or the United Kingdom or whatever they want us to call them today.

Divided into 8 groups, 32 total teams qualified to play in Johannesburg. Both the Koreas made it, which should prove interesting if they meet up because it could mark the first time a World Cup match results in a nuclear war.

A notorious traveler, rumor has it the Stanley Cup made an appearance for the opening match. With all the hullaballoo in the states over the NCAA power conferences devouring each other, one can’t help but wonder if E Harmony brought the Stanley Cup and World Cup together, would the result be a sippie cup?

Unthrilling is the only word I can make up to describe how disappointing Friday’s opening match was (South Africa and Mexico finished in a 1-1 tie). As we find ourselves buried under an avalanche of scoreless minutes and cheap plastic noisemakers, the demands of Argentina’s manager Diego Maradona provide some hope for entertainment. Aside from wanting ice cream to be available all day long in his hotel, Maradona also requested a toilet with a heated seat be installed for him. Telling you he wears two watches is probably all the explanation that is required here.

ESPN spent millions trying to make this thing sound exciting only to have the opening match end in a melodramatic tie. Compounding matters one of the most anticipated match-ups (USA v. England) wound up a tie as well. Trying to get American consumers to buy in to all this indecisiveness won’t help soccer’s cause any. American’s like winners. We like to brag and boast and drag losers through the mud and then rub their faces in it. It’s the American way.

Drama is brewing however. Slovenia has taken Group C by storm charging out to a 3-1 lead over both the United States and England. Friday’s match up pitting Slovenia against the United States could go a long way in determining the fate of the Americans chances at playing for the Cup. If it’s a prediction you’re looking for, I probably have as much of chance picking the winner as you have of finding Slovenia on a map.