Finding "Fair"ness in College Athletics

First appeared on August 24th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Writing a hard hitting column peppered with humor and unique insight is not as easy as some make it appear. Trust me, I fully understand this after reading several hard hitting columns peppered with humor and unique insight.

Earlier in the week I had this great idea about writing a piece comparing the State Fair with college football. However, what began with the most sublime of expectations quickly spiraled into something that is best classified as not sublime. At some point I guess I realized that either the State Fair and College football have nothing in common or it probably was just a bad idea to begin with.

Of course had I written it, the column would have been amazing. It probably would have said something about how the Circle City Stompers Clown Band, with their patchwork jackets of rainbow colors and instruments of faded copper, brought all the energy and spirit of a well tuned college band. There would have been some weak connection between frenzied fans flocking to merchandise stands to don the jerseys of their favorite players and State Fair vendors hocking everything from deep fried Twinkies to corn cob hats.

At some point it, in a fashion typical of the author, the piece probably would have attempted to sober itself by arguing College football programs exploit the talents of their marquee players in much the same way the State Fair exploits 1300 pound hogs and those patrons with a weakness for anything fried (and by anything here we mean lard and Kool Aid).

But alas there’s also a seedy underbelly to college football that reeks of greed and money and, try as I may, I could not find any seedy underbellies at the State Fair. I tried explaining to our 3 year old why the little piglets were so interested in their mommy’s underbelly but that conversation quickly deteriorated too.

To prevent further seed from taking root in the underbelly of College Football I would have argued that penalties levied by the NCAA should follow players to the next level just as seven pounds of fried food eaten tends to follow you around for a few days.

Between the bad puns and double entendres at some point I would have contended that, to truly police their sports, the NCAA should hire the slimiest agents out there to head a new task force charged with staying one step ahead of recruiting violators. As for a Fair tie in, this would be no different than Fair Operators hiring those who rubberneck hardest over someone else double fisting corn dogs or the ones eagerly forking over hard earned cash for a chance to see the “Cat Woman” (who by virtue of being a 90 year old lady mothering 75 cats is about as far from Michelle Pfeiffer as one can possibly get).

But if you have read anything I’ve written you arrive quickly at the understanding that an expert on anything relevant, I am not. However it seems there are many avenues the NCAA could explore to weed out agents and illegal boosters. Levying fines against those violators who sign professional contracts would be a start. As far as that goes, any money gained could even go towards scholarships for sports that draw less attention.

Putting some real teeth into the death penalty so that it brings an association with the actual death penalty and not merely a suspension might help too. In the meantime we have charming distractions like the State Fair to help us relax, unwind and forget about the hurricane of hypocrisy that is college athletics.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

More Curtis Painter Please

First appeared on August 17th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Let me be the first to say what every Colts fan is already thinking but is afraid to admit- “I need more Curtis Painter”. Yes I agree it does sound odd. Somewhere along the lines of please pass the monkey brains or do you know anyone who offers a good discount lobotomy?

But just as Christopher Walken so famously once quipped “More Cowbell!” on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, so too should Colts fans be eager to see “more Curtis Painter”. Those who haven’t dismissed me as someone who’s survived a bad discount lobotomy are still reading because they assume an explanation will follow.

Peyton Manning is the quarterback of the Colts. Discount lobotomy or not, nobody will ever dispute this. What some don’t realize, or wish to think about, is life without Manning. I’m not talking about retirement or a permanent replacement. In that respect Manning is a lot like Superman or Ramen Noodles for he, like them, could never be replaced.

This is more the idea of anyone in the Colts organization giving any thought to the options this team would have should Manning go down. And don’t give me that “well, their season is over then!” The players in the Colts locker room deserve more than that. Most of these guys are getting too long in the tooth to believe every play they’re fighting for would be lost should Manning go down.

As it stands now fans of the Colts are one Theismann-like play away from seeing #18 gesturing wildly from the sidelines with clipboard firmly in hand. This guy has been around so long it seems like he took over after Johnny Unitas left the press conference announcing his retirement and all this time he’s done nothing but stay healthy and play games.

Simply put the Colts have not done enough to prepare for life without Manning. They haven’t proved to the rest of us that they recognize the fact that Manning, despite his 6’5 frame and laser-rocket arm, is in fact human.

Case in point-Curtis Painter threw just 6 passes in the Colts first preseason game Saturday night. He completed 3 for 55 yards with 1 interception. The fact Painter didn’t throw the ball more has to explain something. If the guy is truly Manning’s back up then they need to play him more and open the playbook up. But with only 6 passes attempted, just like the Chinese place in the food court at the mall, the sample size clearly needs to be larger.

The only logical explanation for Saturday night is that perhaps the Colts aren’t as sold on Painter as they would have us believe. Maybe what they really think is that Dan Orlovsky is going to be their man but they’re just not 100% ready to make that public. So in the mean time they’ll keep Orlovsky’s fate on double-secret probation until the NFL forces the Colts to solidify their roster.

Long story short, if Curtis Painter can play at this level, now’s the time to prove it. Don’t give us any more observations from practice or press releases composed by Stuart Smalley. Get him out on the field more in the preseason. Make him prove to the rest of the football world that other defenses won’t make the Colts backfield look like the frenzied streets of an Arab Spring country without Peyton Manning.

In the meantime this is me doing my best Bruce Dickinson (picture slicked back hair, chocolate brown leather jacket, tinted Aviators) and I’m telling Jim Caldwell that what I really need is “more Curtis Painter baby!”

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Its time to cut Stevie Williams some slack

First appeared on August 9th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

It needs to stop and it needs to stop now. What is “it” you may or may not be asking? To quote a once famous talk show diva: “Stop the insanity!” When Stevie Williams walked off the 18th green Sunday after caddying for Adam Scott during the latter’s win in the Bridgestone Invitational, a microphone was thrust in his face.
And while it’s only a mild news story that anyone would take the time to interview a caddie, the bombshell came when Williams, obviously still bitter over his recent firing by Tiger Woods, didn’t hesitate to show it. And it’s an understatement to say he threw golf’s most controversial player under the bus. Williams threw Woods under the bus, and then backed the bus up to let every sponsor who has ever dumped Tiger as a spokesperson climb aboard before running his former boss over again.

Don’t get me wrong, what Williams said was outrageous. In a win that was clearly more the product of Adam Scott’s steady play than anything Williams could have possibly contributed, the caddie referred to himself more than 20 times in a 2 minute interview.

But the real issue here isn’t that Williams spoke like he’d singlehandedly won the Tour De France, Super Bowl and Presidency of Burkina Faso all in the same day, the real issue is that someone approached him at a vulnerable time.

In the world of mass media, there’s muckraking and there’s pot-stirring. Unfortunately many today bend towards the latter. These King of backhanded compliments are expert needlers, highly skilled at creating stories in places they may be nonexistent.

For scientific purposes (which could lead to the possibility of securing future congressional funding for further study) let’s call this issue the “Jim Gray Syndrome”. Those media members afflicted with JGS have an uncanny knack for giving people a platform at the exact moment they realize their victims are about to say something controversial.

Causes of JGS are traced to both a chemical imbalance in the brain and because deep down inside, in places we don’t talk about at family barbecues or the waiting rooms of our therapists, most of us love sensationalism. We enjoy watching the rich and famous getting beat up during an interview or saying outrageous things (see West, Kanye).

But in this instance, despite the ridiculous nature of his comments, Williams deserves some slack. It’s only natural to expect caddies to have the rare combination of supernatural powers and the ability to remain grounded, but Williams was emotional. It’s tapping into these emotions that remains the inherent danger of shoving a microphone into someone’s face at the wrong time.

To avoid a JGS flare up, Athletes need time to “decompress” as George Costanza once put it. It’s called the heat of the moment and it’s more than just a song by Asia (which by the way is the single greatest rock group ever to be named for a continent). There needs to be a stronger effort made to avoid the heat of the moment.

The sight of Jim Gray swimming upstream through a crowd of World Series champions in the throes of excessive celebration just to shove a microphone in the face of someone who would rather give his manager a wedgie than talk to an announcer has grown tiresome.

It has to stop now. Unfortunately there’s no known cure for JGS; therefore more funding is necessary. This means we need either more congressional dollars or a telethon. In the case of the latter I’m picturing Jim Gray as host with a performance from Kanye West minus the 7 second delay.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Nyad trying to prove 60 is the new 40

First appeared on August 3rd, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Do you think Sharks get excited about Shark Week? Are they tuning their television sets to Discovery Channel with a bowl of goldfish and an ice cold Landshark Lager? Do they enjoy watching humans poking, prodding, photographing, measuring and strapping everything from a camera to a monkey wearing a crash helmet to their backs?
I can’t say with any certainty how Sharks feel as a whole about Shark Week, I can say however that some will likely be excited about the prospect of meeting Diana Nyad. Having already proven she’s a fan of physical torture by swimming from the Bahamas to Florida, Nyad now wants to travel the 103 miles from Cuba to Florida. A previous attempt saw her lose 29 pounds after swimming just 42 of the estimated 60 hour trip.
The intimidating distance, wide array of health dangers (including the astounding rate of weight loss) and fact that this stretch of the Caribbean is what sharks of the world call the “Ginza District” are not the most amazing aspects of Diana’s journey. Nyad, who is a member of the International Swimming Hall of Fame, will attempt this swim at the age of 61.
When asked about embarking on such a physically demanding journey at a time when most her age are mulling retirement options, Nyad was clear the trip is not self-indulgent. “It’s about feeling strong at 60 and showing it”, she told NPR recently.
Already the owner of a record for longest ocean swim, Nyad is also the fastest to ever circumnavigate the Island of Manhattan. This second feat is vastly underrated considering the pollution rate of rivers on the Eastern Seaboard.
From 1990-94 the Hudson River swallowed over 1.7 million pounds of direct toxic discharge. The fact alone she survived circling Manhattan is perhaps the single greatest accomplishment known to man (outside Al Gore’s inventing the internet of course).
Members of PETA will tell you Nyad has nothing to worry about when it comes to swimming with the sharks of the Caribbean. But, for having never watched Shark Week or Jaws eleven times in a two day span, clearly they are not qualified to speak on this topic.
The 22 member team that will accompany Nyad on her trip will rely on satellites to generate positioning signals (fancy jargon for GPS) and have already employed the services of meteorologists (fancy jargon for modern day snake charmers) who are currently searching for the best 3 day window. As for infrared technology the team shouldn’t have trouble spotting Nyad swimming at night considering, after being in the Hudson River, she probably glows in the dark anyway.
Kayakers will follow dragging an electronic shark shield and a team of 4 Expert Shark Divers will intervene if necessary. Another swimmer completed the same trip in 1997 by swimming inside a steel shark cage. Nyad’s team either couldn’t afford one or it was confiscated by the TSA because she plans to swim without it. Still, the group is insistent no sharks will be harmed on the trip.
If successful in her endeavor, Nyad will certainly inspire many Americans. Her intention is to motivate people to go out and chase their dreams no matter their age; to finally do the things they’ve put off for years. And, if a 61 year old really can swim 100 miles, maybe I’ll be inspired to get off the couch instead of sending my three year old to the pantry to rummage for potato chips. He doesn’t seem to mind too much, as long as I promise not to turn off Shark Week that is.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams