Down go the Lakers

First appeared on May 12th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Following a shocking 122-86 loss to the Mavericks Sunday the two time defending champion Lakers were swept out of the playoffs. Thus ending the quest for the third ‘3 Peat’ in Franchise history. The loss also likely signifies the end for the greatest basketball coach in a generation. And while it doesn’t close the door on Kobe Bryant’s legacy building days, it certainly has jarred the doorstop loose.


But before you break out the cheap wine and Kleenex, let’s remember these are the Lakers. Is it possible for anyone in the Midwest to shed a tear for these guys? After all L.A. does fly in the face of everything the Midwest stands for. Glitz, glamour, wearing ones sunglasses indoors, these are not things that sit well with us.

We didn’t understand Magic Johnson’s no-look passes or Pat Riley’s $500 suits and slicked back hair. The disgust that surfaced for the Lakers in 2000 when our beloved Pacers made the Finals was not as much a reaction to the red carpet treatment Bryant was getting from referees as much as it was a strong dislike long harbored since the summer of ’87. That year L.A. denied Larry Bird his fourth ring during the last championship appearance he would make as a Celtic.

To us the Lakers are simply the Yankees of professional basketball. Ours is a place where plastic surgery is reserved for farm accidents and anyone who shows up wearing Donald Sutherland’s white sunglasses and black and white checkered coat with matching Fedora would find “Hoosier Hospitality” involves a padded room.

That being said, it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Certainly Commissioner Stern feels the same and knows full well the death of the Lakers may mean the death of ratings as well. As much as I hate L.A. and wanted to see them lose, I wanted it to happen on the biggest of stages; not in the second round of the Playoffs. And how strange the Lakers should fall to the Mavericks and owner Mark Cuban. After all Cuban has long shopped his conspiracy theory that league officiating protects players like Byrant and teams like LA. The only thing more ironic than Cuban’s team hurdling the Lakers is Ron Artest clothes-lining J.J. Barea a week after the NBA handed Ron-Ron their citizenship award.

A Lakers team vying for a Three Peat staring down Miami’s “Big Three” in the Finals would have been a ratings bonanza. This is what everyone wanted. Bryant and LeBron exchanging highlight dunks as Zydrunas Ilgauskas would be, well apparently clanging 19 foot jumpers and committing 3 or 4 over the back fouls each night, not the type of eye-popping performance we’re looking for so let’s leave him out of this for now.

The point here is surely a Lakers-Heat Finals is what Stern wanted. But it would seem ever since Tim Donaghy danced with Lady Justice, nothing has gone according to planned in the Association. The Spurs and Lakers had combined to win 9 of the last 12 NBA Titles and they’re both golfing now.

So what’s next? Phil will likely ride off into the sunset, or into the sunrise I suppose since he does live in L.A., Lamar Odom has his part time gig on the E Channel to fall back on and Kobe Bryant is well-Kobe Bryant. It was just surreal to watch the two-time defending champs wilt like a Pansy. An addled performance rife with blank stares and emotionless effort. After all it is Hollywood, you’d think the Lakers could at least sign someone to act like they care.

Welcome to the Fan Cave

First appeared on May 4th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

So we finally found Osama Bin Laden. And all these years we heard about his living in a cave buried deep inside the Hindu Kush Mountain range; but yet they find him instead living it up in a compound minutes away from Islamabad.


I had such high hopes for his cave too. All this time we were led to believe he was cooped up in some state of the art hole worthy of the cover of Spelunkers Illustrated or Caves Quarterly (CQ for those in the biz). I had pictured Bin Laden perched James Kirk-style in a nerve center dominated by a wall of television screens broadcasting everything from Al Jazeera to Oprah to reruns of “Press Your Luck” while his guests moved about on an elaborate network of elevators, escalators and a Bactrian Camel affectionately nicknamed Bill.

With the kind of lightning fast internet service only Afghanistan could boast, I imagined Osama using a Mind Control Device designed by someone in the Al Queda R&D department to make former President Bush use words like “Strategery” and “Misunderestimated”. And yet, after all this, we find he was living in a suburb of Pakistan’s capital city. Probably buying the latest issues of Cosmo at the local drug store and drinking Latte’s at some Internet Café.

So now that we don’t have the Geraldo Special: “Outside Bin Laden’s Cave!” to look forward to, hope remains for a state of the art grotto that would turn Bat Man green with envy. Major League Baseball has done their part to keep the dream of a super cave alive by bringing the world their Major League Baseball “Fan Cave”. In the heart of New York City’s trendy Greenwich Village one will find MLB’s tribute to the American Sports Fan (Broadway and 4th for those who find this column so inspiring they immediately feel compelled to book a flight to the Big Apple).

The “Fan Cave” is Nirvana for baseball fans. A Mecca for stat geeks and couch potatoes alike. When it was announced that two fans would be granted the opportunity to live inside the cave while watching every single major league baseball game this season some 10,000 applied. Baseball officials sifted through this mountain of interest before settling on Mike O’Hara and Ryan Wagner. No doubt these two proved they had the skills, and lack of economic responsibility, necessary (see: ‘ no Job’ or ‘no kids’), to stay in one place and live a totally sedentary lifestyle for all 2,430 regular season games.

The majority of their lazing about will be done in front of the ”Cave Monster”. This wall of 12 big screens is stationed in front of a set of couches bolted to a stage that has the capability of rotating 360 degrees. During their summer of “Baseball Love” O’Hara and Wagner will use whatever free time they have between the 7,000 plus hours of baseball they will watch to Tweet, Blog, film short clips for the “Fan Cave” website and host whatever former or future Hall of Famer may happen by.

For Mike O’Hara and Ryan Wagner the “Fan Cave” is proof once again that dreams can come true in America. For the U.S. military on the other hand, finding Bin Laden after all these years is proof once again that hard work pays off in the end. So here’s to the men and women of our Armed Forces on a job well done. May the days be short before you find yourself holding a dog and a beer at one of baseball’s 2,340 regular season games.


Find the fan cave at: mlbfancave.mlb.com

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams