More questions than Roger Goodell can shake a stick at

First appeared on August 26th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

With a new NFL season closing in upon us with sloth-like speed, we find our lives once again cluttered with unanswered questions. Questions like will attendance be down league wide for a second consecutive year? Is Jay Cutler all the Bears really need to bring the “Super Bowl Shuffle” to a new generation and, perhaps most perplexing of all, when Barney Frank watches the Redskins play on TV does he really see 80,000 dining room tables in the stands?
To find all the answers to your most troubling questions about the upcoming NFL season one might head for the local Wal Mart. Here those intelligent beings amongst us would pull a bag chair off the rack before heading to the magazine aisle where one would sit for hours (or until the night watchman asks you to leave) painfully poring over issue after issue of countless preseason magazines.
Of course if you don’t have the same kind of free time on your hands as say Brett Favre’s press agent, and yet still long to know what to look forward to this season, then you’ve come to the right place. If you want solid predictions and the kind of serious analysis that will win you enough money to finally get your bookies strong armed brother-in-law to stop following your kids home from school then you should probably stop reading now.
The questions surrounding the Colts are so numerous there aren’t enough trees in the Pacific Northwest to print the pages necessary to mention them all. However with a veteran team the question of most importance isn’t about production but rather health. If the Colts have bullet Bob Sanders on the field, stay healthy on the offensive line and keep 18 upright for the entire season- they should make another run. So the real question becomes will the injury gods smile on Indianapolis this season or is it Manning’s turn to take a “Tom Brady-like vacation”?
Open arms in New England will undoubtedly be waiting for the return of their star. Yet despite having Tom Brady there, questions do exist in the backfield. In signing former Jacksonville Jaguar Fred Taylor can the Hoodie really find pay dirt once again by recycling another player whose ticket for the retirement home was already punched by a different franchise? (see Junior Seau).
Now that he has a legit defense (top 10 in 2009) and an unstoppable running game (top 5 in 2009), what excuse will Brett Favre have when the Vikings fail to advance in the playoffs? Better yet, what excuse will he have when Green Bay beats them twice?
A quick cruise around the rest of the league only reveals more questions. Will Titan QB Vince Young take any snaps this season? You know, so that he might finally make some meaningful progress towards completing his self-proclaimed “Hall of Fame career”? Will having the first pick in this years NFL draft be enough for the Lions to solidify their legacy as league leaders in both losses and empty seats? At over $60 a piece, will they sell ANY large pizzas at the new Texas Stadium?
Will the Bengals finally take the stripes of their uniforms so that their players only have to worry about wearing them off the field? What will happen first? Will Daniel Snyder’s checks start bouncing or will he petition the commissioner’s office to expand the rosters so that he might finally realize his dream of signing every free agent in the league? Obviously these questions can’t be answered before the real season begins- until then together we must wonder and wait.

Death to the Preseason I Say

First appeared on August 18th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Death to the preseason. I don’t care how it’s done, just make it happen. Make the preseason take a long walk off a short plank, send it to the gallows, give it the “Marie Antoinette” or hook it up to old sparky. It really doesn’t matter, just make it go away. Like now.
Watching preseason football is brutal. And, unless you’re a fan of false starts and punts, watching the Colts first preseason game Friday night was so painful even a lethal injection to the heart wouldn’t have made the pain go away fast enough.
All apologies to Donald Brown of course who endeared himself to Colt fans immediately by making some nice runs with the football. Though it should be pointed out that most of the Vikings defenders probably put more effort into piling food on their plates during the pregame meal than they did in making any preseason tackles. The real good news in all of this is that we only have three more preseason snoozefests to go.
They will tell you the preseason is necessary. They will use large words and complicated phraseology like “talent evaluation” and “live game situations”. Don’t buy any of it. It’s about money-period. The NFL is a business and having their talking heads repeating the preseason is “necessary” until fans ultimately accept it as fact is mere propaganda. Chairman Mao did the same in China with the only real difference being he didn’t make anybody pay full price. Call it what you like, the preseason is nothing more than another way for them to weasel their way inside your pockets.
In case you were wondering, I don’t coach professional football. That being said I do know if your starters basically play only one series, or at the most a quarter, that still gives you 45 minutes to evaluate your other guys. This being said two preseason games seems like it should be enough. Subjecting fans to anything more is simply a cruel and unusual punishment not unlike those strange Vietnam flashback episodes of Magnum P.I. or road construction signs that are still flashing after the crew has left the worksite.
If the NFL wants a way to get more money before the regular season then they need to go back to the drawing board. Why not bring four teams to one site and have them play half a game? If that’s you reading this Roger Goodell, go ahead and take credit for this idea. If that means we don’t have to suffer through four preseason games again then it’s worth it. Having four teams in one place would allow fans to see other players and teams they might not see during the regular season. It would also likely entice hard core fans to travel, thus helping the economies of host cities.
Maybe Simon Cowell is the better answer. The NFL would likely see preseason attendance skyrocket if fans could vote after each play as to who a team should keep or cut. One wonders though if Mr. Cowell would be half as snide if he were belittling the talent of a 6’5 300 pound offensive tackle who missed a block instead of the mousy William Hung. For a chance to see that- the NFL is welcome inside my pocket any day.
Perhaps my wife summed it up best. When she found out I was watching preseason football she immediately asked: That means it doesn’t count right? That means we’re not interested right? That means we can turn it right? I’m guessing most of you did the same.

Iverson to Pacers not the best answer

first appeared on August 12th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

When we were in third grade somebody started the rumor that our teacher was a former Nazi war criminal hiding out in small town Indiana. To be honest the woman was mean, but to be fair a Nazi war criminal she was not. The point is ours is a world rife with rumors which often buzz our heads like barnstorming stagger-wings, originating from points unknown and often built on half truths.
The latest rumor turning barrel rolls in Larry Bird’s office is the possibility of Allen Iverson in an Indiana Pacer uniform. It’s interesting to say the least. The thought of Iverson hoisting shots in Conseco Fieldhouse on a nightly basis likely has some intrigued and others cringing; count me in with the cringers. With a lifetime scoring average of 27 points per game, Iverson’s talent is inarguable and, though he’s already paved his road to the Hall of Fame, making an exit in Indianapolis would be all kinds of wrong.
For starters he comes with so much baggage he would likely need a caravan of camels to haul it all to Indianapolis and with everything Larry Bird has done to disinfect the image of the franchise adding a player like Iverson would be risky to say the least. And by risky I mean a “ringing Kim Jung IL’s doorbell wearing a star spangled speedo” kind of risky.
There was a time when Iverson was ultra-explosive and could carve up defenses geared specifically to stop him. The catch here is that he is no longer that player and, though nearly every team in the league has tried telling him that in their own subtle way, it just simply isn’t registering.
Despite the fact that his game is based largely on the speed and quickness that divorced him three years ago, he still has the skill set necessary to contribute on the NBA level. If he were willing to accept a lesser role as a scorer coming off the bench then Larry Bird should sign him before he finishes reading this column. The trouble is Iverson has not shown he is ready to make the same sacrifices that brought rings to Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen; and of course Larry Bird likely isn’t reading this.
Realistically Iverson could help somebody by providing scoring punch off the bench in much the same way Vinnie “the Microwave” Johnson did for the Piston’s of the early 90’s but unfortunately the 10 time All Star thinks there is an eleventh appearance left somewhere in his tank.
This is the impasse that has Iverson sitting by the phone at home eating potato chips and watching bad daytime television. Somehow he just doesn’t understand why he can’t find that one NBA executive who is actually looking for a 34 year old shooting guard that wants 30 shots a night and millions of dollars for doing so. Note to Iverson’s agent- most of the starting shooting guards in the league right now were in middle school when your client won his league MVP trophy; so you may want to revisit your demands.
So as things stand now signing Iverson would be a bad move. Bad like the crew of a submarine eating a crave case of White Castle sliders before leaving port. Bad like Hugo Chavez using the words war and the United States in the same sentence. Bad like Roger Clemens’ memory and Sammy Sosa’s English. As it stands right now Bird is moving his way to the top of the class amongst league executives but on this particular test signing Iverson would simply be the wrong answer.

Crooked drives, crooked numbers and one Crooked Stick

First appeared on August 5th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

The leader board for the 2009 Senior U.S. Open at Crooked Stick golf club in Carmel over the weekend read like a veritable who’s who of former PGA stars. Despite this it was the amateur Tim Jackson’s tournament to lose for two days and ultimately, and with all due respect to Jackson, he found a way to do so. Yet as mechanically efficient as he was early, can anybody really blame Jackson for losing when the winner (Fred Funk) hits the showers at twenty under par?
Be it the fortuitous rains, the comfortable weather, the drought of professional golf experiences in central Indiana or the fact that this one marked the first I had attended, something made this past weekend at Crooked Stick a magical experience. In fact it was more than magical, it was wild; an African plains kind of wild.
Keeping an eye on it all, the Met Life blimp floated overhead like a White Backed Vulture hovering on the thermals. The long neck of an adult giraffe could be seen in the silhouette of a 200 foot antennae tower craning high over the trees as, like a frenzied colony of termites, streams of people in vibrant colors were seen moving about in an unchoreographed harmony.
After spying the pairings sheet, like a giddy rainforest-bound ornithologist, the names of those players one wishes to see most are circled; several that would qualify as endangered species. But soon one comes to the realization that finding players on the course is like stalking big game; it can be so difficult at times it almost requires a tracker.
Then suddenly the shrieking cheers from far flung places, reminiscent of the high pitched yelping of African Wild Dogs, are broken by a hushed whisper rippling across the crowd. Is it a leopard in the weeds? A lion stalking prey? No-it’s Greg Norman on the fifth tee box. And with all the fervor of a cackle of famished Hyena the crowd falls upon him to watch as he sends a tee ball rocketing into the stratosphere.
Of course this Serengeti was littered with cameramen, microphones and miles upon miles of cable; in fact this past weekend at “the stick” was only one John 3:16 guy short of having that "big time television event" feel. Even Tom Watson, whose performance at Turnberry proved golf is a sport that doesn’t always recognize age, couldn’t steal the spotlight from the course. Drawn by the hand of the legendary Pete Dye himself how fitting is it that, with all the great golf courses out there bearing names meant to pay homage to their flattering topography (Cherry Hills, Whistling Straits, Pebble Beach), one of Indiana’s top courses would be named after a crooked stick.
But after a short time spent there two things became very clear- At over 7200 yards Crooked Stick is a course that would haunt the everyday golfer and, despite hard economic times, Hoosiers are still willing to turn out to support a sporting event. There were many great stories from the weekend, but none bested the throngs of people who turned out at “the stick”. It bears mentioning if we truly relish opportunities like having the Senior U.S. Open in our own backyard then we all must summon the motivation to get off the couch long enough to attend them (See this year’s Brickyard 400). While Oprah and the Sham Wow guy will no doubt testify on behalf of your couch by speaking to the addictive allure of television, let us not forget nothing can ever replace the unpredictable thrill of witnessing something in person