Will the third Zeller be the charm for IU?

First appeared on September 28th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter
So Washington High School’s Cody Zeller is the “must get” Tom Crean “must get” or apparently the four horsemen of the apocalypse will ride into Crean’s living room and it won’t be to shoot a Capital One commercial. This is what the local media types would have us believe. I’ll openly admit listening to and reading local sports personalities; if it weren’t for them then coming up with material would be like A LOT harder plus I wouldn’t be able to spell complicated words like sensationalism or non-partisanship.


And it’s probably best explained before I go on that I don’t buy anyone peddling high school kids like pieces of meat. Nowadays it would seem any Plecostomus with a laptop and no distinguishable form of a life produces their own list of prospects. What happened to the days when people left it to Street and Smith’s or George Michael (of the “Sports Machine” fame, not of the “public bathroom” fame) to tell them who the best players where?

Some believe, when it comes to Zeller, that Crean needs to do whatever necessary to bring the kid to B-Town- except for going all “Ricky Roe” and rolling in a family tractor that is; or calling him every 30 seconds as one former IU coach is likely to suggest.

It all makes one wonder if this is about Crean landing a top recruit or if it’s more about IU whiffing at the first two Zellers? I think it’s really more about public perception. All apologies to Purdue, but since I’ve been alive the public perception (and by public we’re speaking of the 294 million Americans not living in Indiana) has been that Indiana University has the top basketball program in the state.

Understanding nature’s rule that there be only one big dog in every pack; the rest are required to stay on the porch. And as far as Indiana’s proverbial front porch is concerned, Butler is as close as they have ever been to supplanting the Hoosiers as the big dog. And before I go on, no-Indiana’s proverbial front porch does not include any form of washer-dryer combination.

Which brings us back to Zeller. Who cares if he goes to North Carolina anyway? Would that be the end of the world? I mean it’s not like the Surgeon General’s put out a warning that DVR causes cancer or MTV is cancelling “The Hills” (What’s that? They cancelled “The Hills”?).

Hoosier fans can’t see Zeller’s choosing another school as a bad thing. A bad thing would be announcing the demolition of Assembly Hall the day after Zeller passes on IU or signing Oprah’s Texting While Driving Ban simply because you secretly hold out hope she will give you a car or a trip to Australia for doing so.

This is more about ours being a world of instant gratification. A world slowly breeding an entire generation of people too impatient to wait for anything (these people don’t read newspapers because yesterday’s news is SO yesterday). Why watch Indiana struggle when you can just go to Wal-Mart, buy some Butler boxer shorts and call yourself a fan? Besides, it’s a far easier move than stomaching another double figure loss to Kentucky.

The NCAA early signing period starts the second week of November. After visiting Butler and North Carolina, Zeller’s “Magical Mystery Tour” will conclude in Bloomington on October 31st. If the Hoosier’s lose him to UNC it’s not “Tom-you better start looking over your shoulder news”. But should Crean lose Zeller to Butler, then panic might have good reason to go house hunting in Bloomington.

Manning Bowl II Long on Hype, Short on Results

The list of things I have rooted against in my life is short. Global warming, Communist China, anyone coaching professional football in a hooded sweatshirt. But, this being said, for some strange reason I was apathetic about the 24 first half points the Colts put on the board Sunday night.


Somehow I was hoping “Manning Bowl II” would leave the Colts 0-2. It’s not that I want to see the Colts fail. It’s just that 0-2 is far more dramatic than 1-1. 0-2 means a direct flight to Panicville. 0-2 means angry mobs of people in the streets with pitchforks and torches. 0-2 forces terrified Colts fans to buy newspapers out of fear while 1-1 sells newspapers to terrified fans with pet parakeets.

I suppose in my mind 0-2 would have become 0-4. Then the greatest comeback in NFL history would follow as the Colts would rise like a Phoenix from the depths of ineffectiveness powered by the laser-rocket arm of their soon to be five time league MVP. And, after embarrassing whatever NFC poser was offered up for ritual sacrifice, Indianapolis would hoist another Lombardi Trophy. But the Colts won and now finding something to write about just became much harder.

Unless you’re a Colts fan “Manning Bowl II” didn’t meet any of the pre-“Manning Bowl II” hype generated by the talking heads at NBC. In fact if the Peacock wanted a competitive game, they’d have been better served pulling Papa Manning out of his luxury suite and putting him under center for the Giants.

And don’t go telling me not to take all this winning for granted; I’ve already done that. I’m no different than any other Colts fan. I look for the negatives in every win. “Yes we won by 24, but how many rushing yards did we have? How many rushing yards did they have? Our back-up quarterback couldn’t pass a bad Taco and did you hear Bob Sanders needs total hip replacement surgery?”

The games most exciting moment came in the third quarter when a disgruntled Brandon Jacobs fired his helmet into the crowd. Or fired it off the equipment cases only to have it ricochet into the crowd, or tried to spike it off the bench only to have it slip out of his; well let’s just say his helmet found its way into the stands “magic bullet” style. To be clear, if Jacob’s helmet wound up in my lap, I’d have been out of Lucas Oil faster than the Giants were out of Sunday night’s game.

Which of course forces one ponder the legal rights of drunk and disorderly fans. What does the Constitution say about professional football team paraphernalia that finds the hands of irrational people? Surely this isn’t a scenario the Framers overlooked.

Clearly the gaggle of people circling the fan with the helmet each appeared to have their own interpretation of the situation. Judging by all the gesturing and pointing, it was evident Hoosiers are fully aware of their legal rights when it comes to stray athletic equipment. And while I’m not a licensed lip reader, I’m almost certain one of them was telling Security “possession is 9/10ths of the law.”

So climb down off the ledge Ye Colts fans for all appears to be well with your Boys in Blue. Just be forewarned, should you happen to have a helmet fired your direction by a 6’4-265 pound running back, run for the exits like the building’s on fire or not only will you lose the helmet but you’ll come off looking confused and weak on national television.

Houston: Indianapolis has lots of problems

First appeared on September 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

John D. Rockefeller was famous for turning disasters into opportunities. That mindset, and more money than the Federal Reserve of Uganda, are the only two things separating Rockefeller from me. But turning a disaster around requires learning from mistakes and while the Colts may be above this, their 34-24 loss at Texas Sunday taught me much about football and life.


I discovered one apparent off season goal of NFL brass was to find a way to keep Peyton Manning from dominating their league. Evidence of this can be found in a rule change that slows play down and the fact they made the four time MVP play without an offensive line for most of Sunday’s game.

I learned Bob Sanders is 2 inches shorter than me which felt pretty good; that was until they said he was 50 pounds heavier. Sanders could punch my ticket to the hospital quicker than a UPS truck delivering sand bags, but I’m pretty confident I could find a way to survive more than 1 series if you gave me 7 months to prepare (I was REALLY good at Dodgeball back in the day).

I found out the lagging economy has finally trickled up to professional sports. Apparently the NFL can only afford “one size fits all” shirts for referees. And while this look might work for most, one noticeable exception is Ed Hochuli (Imagine Lou Ferrigno wearing a shirt made for Gary Coleman).

In an effort to make up for its wardrobe budget shortfall, the NFL is trading spandex for an increase in safety. By moving Umpires behind the offense they take a 50-something out of a busy intersection jammed with 20-something super-athletes trying to behead each other.

Of course, as only they can do, the NFL has complicated things as much as possible. Considering there are several scenarios where the Umpire has to relocate behind the defense, it would seem the league that made instant replay has somehow found a way to increase the level of “human element” in their game.

To summarize, Indianapolis still can’t run the ball or stop someone from doing so, Pierre Garcon is still an expert of catching all passes meaningless and the Colts are still most effective playing without a lead. Things were so bad Sunday, Houston’s riding an undrafted player to a win stands as clear evidence they were simply showing off.

Dan Dierdorf’s honesty taught us much. “I can’t remember the last time I saw a defense… completely shredded… like that” the long-toothed color man pontificated in the fourth quarter, which revealed not that he hasn’t watched much football, just that he had never seen the Colts play before.

Manning’s frustrations boomeranged him back to darker days when he often came off the field frothing at the mouth. Protection issues and missed opportunities had the Colts QB, as my wife and I say of our 2 year old when he’s unhappy, “speaking whinese” most of the day.

So what can Colts fans look forward to? Well, the defense team officials boasted “could be one of our best” gave up a franchise record for rushing yards in a single game to an undrafted running back Sunday; so you’ll have to get creative.

And then there was poor Devin Moore, reminding us all why the NFL should just eliminate the kick off all together. For every time somebody returns one, a penalty immediately negates the games most exciting play. I guess when it comes to the Colts refusing to address the obvious every year, or fast food restaurants having Facebook pages, some things are best left unexplained.

Chasing the American Spirit Lance Armstrong Style

First appeared on September 8th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There was a time when the American Spirit was a great source of pride in this country. And while she had a good run, for our purposes here the American Spirit is dead and gone. Of course this declaration is based solely upon America’s alarming obesity rate and the staggering amount of people voting via text during the American Idol results shows.


It’s depressing to realize future generations will never know the American Spirit as our fathers and grandfathers knew it. Yet somehow we must come to terms, in the same way we struggle to understand why we’ll never witness a Dodo in the wild or get to see David Hasselhoff performing live in German.

Of course determining where the American Spirit was first born is a debate rivaling the greatest man has known. Something comparable even to Original Captain Crunch versus Crunch Berries.

Whether first etched on cave walls thousands of years ago, or discovered at the bottom of a Sam Adams pint, the unique belief system that would evolve into the American Spirit was once indomitable. American Spirit persevered through the Civil War and carried us through the Great Depression and Second World War. The American Spirit led us to the Moon in 1969 and has brought us tremendous leaders and innovators like Theodore Roosevelt, Dwight David Eisenhower and Vince Shlomi (the Sham Wow guy).

Unfortunately the American Spirit lost steam somewhere. And as the identity of Americans began to melt away, many took solace in color television, foreign cars and fast food. And while most logical thinking people are right to point a judgmental finger at Rock and Roll, others realize Americans have simply gone rogue, turned selfish and fallen prey to the two greatest threats the American Spirit has faced since Nazi Germany; the political rationalizations of Hollywood movie stars and Facebook.

Theodore Roosevelt once romanticized the brutality of football embodied the American Spirit, but if Roosevelt were alive today he would surely recognize a more accurate analogy is likely competitive eating or sleep number beds.

Enter Boise Idaho’s Vogel family who, after trekking 14,000 miles via bicycle from Alaska to Bolivia as a family, have once again reignited the fire formerly known as the American Spirit. Navigating the Pan-American Highway in true Lewis and Clark fashion, the Vogels will have gone a total of 18,000 miles when they reach their final destination of Tierra del Fuego.

Corralling the sense of exploration and adventure that once formed the backbone of the American Spirit, the Vogel’s have given hope to every American family struggling with vacation ideas or a reason to go bike riding together.

Yes it would seem, before their story at least, the only thing most Americans felt compelled to explore was the internet or a bag of cool ranch Doritos. Now, considering the Vogel’s have survived 14,000 miles, it would seem no destination is off limits. China, Kenya, the U.S.S.R. (OK, so maybe pedaling to the U.S.S.R. is going to be tough).

Before the Vogel’s inspirational trip I’ll admit that I believed the American Spirit was a relic of years gone by. An oxymoron of sorts, like “jumbo shrimp” or “Accelerate Indiana”. This being said, let their story serve as a wake-up call; life doesn’t stand still. It’s up to us to saddle up and pedal after it. Whether that means riding a bike to Mongolia or simply finally putting down that Doritos bag, get out there and be an American. The good news here is that as Americans we can do whatever we want; and for that we can thank the American Spirit.

This college season expectations are everywhere

When the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, they surely expected the King of England wouldn’t take it well, just as Marty McFly surely expected one wild ride when he climbed into Doc Brown’s DeLorean Motor Car. Expectations are nothing new.


Few know expectations better than college football coaches. Those writers suffering from TCA (Tired Cliché Addiction) might opine “they come with the territory”. Expectations follow college coaches around like the paparazzi and when things go south they hover overhead like vultures spying a trash dump.

Yes it would seem expectations are not unlike Justin Bieber, they’re everywhere, they’re overhyped and they’re often taken way too seriously. Except that is when you are the head football coach at Indiana University. Expectations haven’t been seen in Bloomington since the Cutters expected to lose at Little Five.

Despite notching only one Big Ten win last year, IU still harvested their largest

attendance numbers since 1992. This is due in large part due to AD Fred Glass marketing Memorial Stadium as Indiana’s version of a “one tank trip to Disney World”. Head coach Bill Lynch is competent enough to realize the only successful battle strategy in a war against empty seats is winning football games however.

By returning a duo of talented wide outs who ranked 3rd in yardage last season, Lynch has perhaps his best shot thus far. Returning Senior Ben Chappell averaged the second most passing yards per game in the leauge. Combine this with the NFL storylines generated by Tracy Porter and Roger Saffold and the Hoosier football program appears to be gaining the traction they’ve so longed for.

Unfortunately, this is the worst news Lynch could have gotten. In real expectations, he suddenly finds himself flirting with a fickle lady. No expectations allowed Lynch to quietly reshape the program in his image, real expectations could wind up sealing his fate.

With Purdue’s long strange love affair with Joe Tiller firmly planted in the rearview, the Boiler’s first campaign under Danny Hope brought mixed reviews. After a horrendous start, a surprising upset of Ohio State triggered an avalanche finish that saw the team win four of their last six games. All this of course leads to definite uncertainty.

Was their strong finish more the product of Danny Hope’s coaching, or was it simply Ohio State’s ineffectiveness that struck like a steroid shot to the psyche strong enough to carry the team through six games? This season should go a long way towards answering that question. Safe money knows Purdue fans won’t be nearly as patient as fans in Bloomington have been however.

Hope’s season, and career likely, would benefit from his finding lightning in a bottle early. His best shot comes this weekend. Hope needs to go into Notre Dame Stadium and deck new head coach Brian Kelly in his first game. After that, the Boilers should benefit from not playing Iowa or Penn State during the regular season.

Notre Dame begins a new era under Brian Kelly and, like a bad Lifetime Movie, it’s looking like the one where the husband (aka head coach) learns the hard way that flirting with his co-worker (aka expectations) is dangerous. At a non-football school Kelly devoured expectations like a trucker inhaling a five dollar steak. But after alerting NBC exec’s to shorten commercial breaks because his offense is faster than the German Blitkreig, Kelly may have opened the door for expectations. Somebody should pull him aside and remind him that expectations bought the billboard that helped run Charlie Weis out of town. Either way, fans can expect an interesting season.