Escape from Revis Island

First appeared on January 27th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

When Jets coach Rex Ryan said he would be “shocked” if his team lost to the Colts in the AFC championship game the mass media drooled. Crusty sports reporters whose brains had long ago turned to mush from years of habitually abusing coaching clichés were suddenly reenergized. They called Ryan a genius. A brilliant motivator; Eisenhower with a clipboard.
For two straight weeks the Jets were rammed down our throats as the NFL’s feel-good Cinderella story. Monday after their win over San Diego they were the inmates from “The Longest Yard”. By Wednesday they were the Ravens of 2000 and by the time they entered the Luke Sunday, they had become the ‘85 Bears. Well, this just in, the clock has struck midnight and it’s not 1969 anymore.
After handing the J-E-T-S a season ending L-O-S-S (that really should have came a month ago) Ryan now finds himself saddled with an oversized six shooter fresh out of bullets. For a month solid his pie hole was the Energizer Bunny of professional football. Then Austin Collie got loose in the secondary and, before Fireman Ed could find his seat after a halftime potty break, the Colts had found Ryan’s off button.
One can’t help but wonder if Ryan is shocked now. I’m guessing he’s the kind of guy who gets shocked a lot. He was probably shocked the first time he found out McDonalds stops serving breakfast at 10:30. And he was likely just as shocked to learn the McRib isn’t on the permanent menu. I wonder if he was shocked when the greatest quarterback to ever play the game wasn’t sidestepped at all by Ryan’s hollow attempts at intimidating him.
Meanwhile, as everyone from Roger Goodell to Joe Buck was rooting for Brett Favre and the Vikings to make it to Miami, how fitting was it that ultimately the Saints were the ones who benefited the most from Favre’s return to football? Indy against New Orleans, now this is the game the league wanted. Well at least it was the game they wanted a month ago anyway.
In making their escape from “Revis Island” the Colts will travel to their 2nd Super Bowl in 4 years. And while they’re in South Beach they’ll likely do the typical tourist stuff. You know- dip their toes in the Atlantic, eat at a chain restaurant and buy some shirts with “Team of the Decade” airbrushed on them from some cheap stand on the strip.
But the Colts franchise won’t be the only ones seeking Lady Destiny. For quite some time now Peyton Manning has been courting the title “Greatest Quarterback Ever”. Now it would appear the two are soon to be joined at the hip. Probably on the beach by some preacher/used car salesman who charges by the hour.
So the Colts have galloped their way into another Super Bowl. And now, in the absence of locker room controversy, spoiled superstars frothing at the mouth and prima donna quarterbacks, the mass media will have to find a way to sell the Colts to those living in the TMZ world.
In such uncertain economic times as these, if anything, Indy’s win goes a long way towards filling the sails of Hoosiers for another year. To be clear this was a big win. Bigger than Rex Ryan’s mouth and bigger than his headset. Bigger than the plate of crow he ate Monday and bigger than the list of things that shock him. And if Ryan was shocked at his team’s loss Sunday, just wait till he sees the price of Prime Rib in South Beach.

The only true prediction is: More will follow

First appeared on January 21st, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

With the NFL playoffs upon us once more it’s important to remember Roger Goodell’s Fifth Commandment: “Thou shall take stock in the predictions of former quarterbacks and coaches”. Yogi Berra once said, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future” and it was in this spirit that we labored to understand the mass hysteria that is picking games before they happen by conducting a study of predictions.
Now before Brian Williams goes all “Fleecing of America” on us, this isn’t your run of the mill scientific study we’ve seen squandering tax payer dollars only to reveal the obvious such as “Friday afternoons are the most productive hours in a work week”. You friends of PETA will rest safe knowing that no animals were harmed during the research either.
There were no lumpish, axe-grinding professors or money hungry college kids willing to risk humiliation for spending money. It was simply one man, his couch, a young son playing with his Mr. Potato Head and a television broadcasting a network dedicated to nothing but sports.
There were 12 subjects in our focus group. Each person picked a winner from all four playoff games over the weekend. After 48 guesses were made came the ground breaking discovery that these subjects operated with just a 39% rate of success; which gives a whole new meaning to the term expert.
In an effort to avoid embarrassing anyone (and legal action) we’ll protect the names of those in our study. The most effective predictor however was the guy who runs the show; the same one who hands out all the nicknames. Two guys, a former defensive lineman (whose first name includes almost as many letters as the entire alphabet) and the old bear himself, missed all four picks.
Three experts picked against Indianapolis and only one (the only former Jet on the set) picked the Jets over the Chargers. If you’re trying to decide which of their “NFL Insiders” is more reliable, the old guy and the young guy were both .500 for the weekend.
Of course 39% begs the question, what other line of work could you be so wrong so often and still have a job? OK, besides meteorology, politicians and those who write horoscopes.
If seeing an anti-whaling vessel the size of a canoe get T-Boned by a Japanese whaling rig the size of a cruise ship has taught us anything, it’s that life can be very dangerous when we choose to make it so. The same is true for predicting.
In fact the world of predicting is often pressure packed and predictors who predict wrong would be right to predict the experience to be deflating. Deflating like that art academy advertised on television that evaluates your sketch of a turtle clutching a cluster of balloons only to cash your $75 check before crushing your dreams with a ten cent form letter stating you don’t have what it takes to be admitted into their school after all; (not that I’ve ever applied).
The findings of our study revealed that predicting is tough stuff. In fact we discovered the three most difficult jobs in the world are those guessing peoples weight at the county fair, those pretending to be part-time sports columnists and the lucky few granted the opportunity, and nationwide air-time, to predict the outcome of professional sporting events.
If we’ve learned anything here it’s that predicting is a lot like playing UNO, it’s easy to do- but difficult to do well. There is one true prediction that can be made however and that is that more predictions are sure to come.

Irish building quiet dynasty

First appeared on January 13th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter
It is college sports (or perhaps politics) at its finest, knowing the Alabama state legislature will take up the issue of a Congressional resolution celebrating the Crimson Tide’s national championship. So as the grass roots movement to nominate Head Football Coach Nick Saban Czar of the BCS, Governor of Alabama or perhaps Pope, rages through the Yellowhammer State with all the fury of an Cat 5 Hurricane there are some coaches dominating their sport with much less ballyhoo and fanfare.
For 23 years Muffet McGraw has done nothing but show up and punch the time clock. Demanding the most of herself as well as her staff and players has led to 14 straight NCAA tournament appearances. Her resume includes 584 total wins as well as a National Championship (2001). McGraw’s teams have won 74% of their games and her players are graduating at a clip of 100%. Just who is she you may ask? For those not in the know, she is the head coach of the Notre Dame Lady Irish and her team is currently undefeated and ranked 3rd in the national polls.
You don’t need me telling you that winning 74% of her games far exceeds anything the football program has put together over the last 20 years but I don’t see the day the bean counters at NBC come knocking on McGraw’s door with a TV contract in hand. But such is life, and college sports of course.
Understandable or not, with the firing of Charlie Weis and undefeated runs by both the Colts and Purdue, the perfect start to this season by the Lady Irish has gone largely overlooked in the Hoosier state. This being said, while the Irish have been dominant on most nights, every great run isn’t without its own close calls. Four of Notre Dame’s wins this season have been by 5 points or less including a 68-67 squeaker over Michigan State early in the year.
In getting out to such a fast start Notre Dame has leaned hard on three key players; Freshman Skylar Diggins and Seniors Lindsay Schrader and Ashley Barlow. Diggins is a hometown hero who helped South Bend Washington win a State title. She also garnered national fame by being named the 2009 Gatorade Female Athlete of the Year. The perfect compliment for an outstanding freshman of course would be some seasoned veterans to play alongside. This is exactly what McGraw has in Schrader and the Pike grad Barlow. Not only are they experienced, both seniors are also 1,000 point scorers.
Now before we uncork the champagne and declare the Lady Irish season a complete success, bear in mind they do have a date with number 1 Connecticut on Saturday, in Storrs. You remember UCONN right? Head coach Gino Auriemma? The John Wooden of girls’ basketball? The man with so many rings the grand opening of his jewelry store would include an overstock sale?
If McGraw’s teams are anything like her however, they won’t be fazed by Auriemma’s six rings or UCONN’s recent run of total dominance. And by total dominance here we are specifically referring to the fact that they have won 54 straight games.
Despite her fountain of success however McGraw’s teams are accustomed to toiling in the shadow of a once proud tradition of grid-iron-greatness. Something tells me McGraw will once again be forced to play second fiddle to another football team when her girls face UCONN Saturday night as that is when the Colts play Baltimore. But hey, I guess it’s moments like this that prompted Al Gore to invent the DVR now isn’t it?

Purdue Suffocatingly Stellar in Win

First appeared on January 5th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

With everything that happened over the weekend, Mike Leach’s firing, Ohio State winning the Rose Bowl, Tim Tebow playing his last college game (in which we saw the glass slipper finally fall off Cinderella’s hairy Bearcat foot) and our beloved Colts performing another stirring rendition of “Lay Down Sally”, Purdue’s performance in Mackey Arena Saturday against West Virginia was understandably lost in the shuffle.
While both teams rode in to West Lafayette with undefeated records, by the midway point of the second half one had to wonder if the Mountaineers wouldn’t be heading back to the Blue Ridge Mountains via stretcher. With 1993-94’s 14-0 start squarely in their sights, it would appear the Big Dog’s leash is about out of rope as a new generation of Boilermaker basketball is busy chasing history.
Simply put, Purdue did what Purdue does, they defended West Virginia 94 feet for 40 minutes. And they don’t merely guard you, they harass you. They hound you. They are in your shorts the minute you break the team huddle. They are tough. They are physical. They are well coached and they are relentless. And just when you think you have turned a corner and beaten your man to the basket for an easy score, like a high-dollar Vegas magic act, somebody ALWAYS appears from the weak side to deflect the shot or take a charge.
When ESPN Jay Bilas said Purdue was simply “outtoughing” West Virginia Saturday, it became clear he was so inspired by what he saw that he turned to using words nobody ever uses to describe it.
Handing the ball to officials and cheering for their teammates from the sidelines may give the appearance that Purdue is a clean cut and proper bunch, but they’re not the type of Boy Scouts who would help an old lady cross the street. They’d rather take a charge from a speeding bus to be certain she gets herself and her groceries home in one piece.
To borrow a page out of the Jay Bilas playbook, the Boilers were “suffocatingly” stellar in their win on Saturday. Not only were they outstanding defensively, the key to their performance against West Virginia was the fact that the Boilers shot the ball very well too. Coming in to Saturday’s game Purdue was shooting 45% as a team from the field, this included 31% from three point range. Saturday the Boilers fired 50% from the field including a blistering 60% from behind the arc in the second half.
Unappealing but effective, Purdue’s style is a lot like Picasso’s painting. The first impression is that both are relatively ugly, but true art aficionados and fans who understand basketball appreciate each for their individual beauty.
With this year’s Final Four just a few miles down the road in Indianapolis, Purdue may be able to save some money on Expedia by booking their hotel rooms now. For, even with speedy point guard Lewis Jackson out for the season following foot surgery, the Boilers showed Saturday they still have everything they need to make a run to Indianapolis.
For the most part on Saturday West Virginia appeared as if they didn’t have any business being on the floor with Purdue. But before we go feeling sorry for head coach Bob Huggins let’s understand, barring another key injury, Purdue has enough talent and tenacity to make their way to Indianapolis come March. And that should be enough to keep Boiler fans everywhere dancing; even the Big Dog himself.

A Sunday that will "live in infamy"

First appered on December 31st, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Merry Christmas Curtis Painter. Though it wasn’t clear amidst all the booing, I’m pretty certain that was the message 67,000 strong were trying to convey Sunday at the Luke. But before we take another swing at the unassuming backup who became a piñata for the moment we all knew was coming, let’s understand Painter’s not to blame for Jim Caldwell pulling the plug on the Colts season (by the way, your kids will be better off by your letting them know now that Santa is fake and Indianapolis won’t be winning the Super Bowl this year).
First let’s give credit where appropriate. Up until Sunday’s third quarter, Jim Caldwell had made all the right moves in orchestrating the 14-0 start. He deserves the credit for Indy’s unbelievable season just as sure as he will take the blame if they fail to win it all (which they will). As solid and fruitful as his decisions were up until Sunday, the decision to bench Manning was not only the most unpopular move he has made all year; it overshadows everything else he’s done.
To Manning’s credit, the ultra-competitive superstar quarterback didn’t go all “Brett Favre” on Caldwell and refuse to come out of the game; though you know he exhausted Tom Moore’s ear trying to talk his way back on to the field. But before Sunday Caldwell had appeared bulletproof. Then one fateful decision turned him from quiet genius to captain of the Titanic. Surrounded by crew members and deck hands all pleading to launch the life boats, there was Caldwell standing on the bridge of a once proud and beautiful ship, a ship so many had considered unsinkable.
Unless Indianapolis wins it all (which they won’t), everyone, this includes fans, analysts, historians, the guy who opens and closes the roof at Lucas Oil and loafers in the coffee shops, will return to Sunday’s fateful move FOR YEARS TO COME. To be clear the decision to bench his starters with the outcome of the game still in doubt will either go down as one of sheer brilliance (provided they win it all; which they won’t) or the turning point in what was an amazing season that appeared destined for history. And by turning point here we mean turning ‘south’.
Maybe it wasn’t Caldwell’s call. Maybe it was someone higher up. Perhaps it was Bill Polian doing his best “Geppetto”, manipulating Caldwell’s strings from his luxury box. Polian has repeated repeatedly that perfection was “never a goal” and evidently Colts fans now know that their team President wasn’t visited by the ‘Ghost of Playoff Upsets Past’ this Christmas season, for how else can you explain his refusing to change? Look, Polian’s a lot smarter than me so how is it that he doesn’t realize doing things the same way always gets you the same results? History is clear. Teams that rest, rust. Suddenly, after such an amazing start, the Colts appear destined to prove that old adage once again.
A Super Bowl champ is crowned every year. An undefeated Super Bowl champ hasn’t happened since 1972. This makes Sunday all the more difficult to grasp. I guess some things are just not meant to be understood; like the meaning of life or why X is a letter in the alphabet. The Colts flirted with perfection only to crash and burn. Sunday was bigger than Jim Caldwell. It was bigger than Peyton Manning and it was most certainly bigger than Curtis Painter. Sunday was about sports immortality and, in true immortal fashion, it’s gone forever now.