Houston: Indianapolis has lots of problems

First appeared on September 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

John D. Rockefeller was famous for turning disasters into opportunities. That mindset, and more money than the Federal Reserve of Uganda, are the only two things separating Rockefeller from me. But turning a disaster around requires learning from mistakes and while the Colts may be above this, their 34-24 loss at Texas Sunday taught me much about football and life.


I discovered one apparent off season goal of NFL brass was to find a way to keep Peyton Manning from dominating their league. Evidence of this can be found in a rule change that slows play down and the fact they made the four time MVP play without an offensive line for most of Sunday’s game.

I learned Bob Sanders is 2 inches shorter than me which felt pretty good; that was until they said he was 50 pounds heavier. Sanders could punch my ticket to the hospital quicker than a UPS truck delivering sand bags, but I’m pretty confident I could find a way to survive more than 1 series if you gave me 7 months to prepare (I was REALLY good at Dodgeball back in the day).

I found out the lagging economy has finally trickled up to professional sports. Apparently the NFL can only afford “one size fits all” shirts for referees. And while this look might work for most, one noticeable exception is Ed Hochuli (Imagine Lou Ferrigno wearing a shirt made for Gary Coleman).

In an effort to make up for its wardrobe budget shortfall, the NFL is trading spandex for an increase in safety. By moving Umpires behind the offense they take a 50-something out of a busy intersection jammed with 20-something super-athletes trying to behead each other.

Of course, as only they can do, the NFL has complicated things as much as possible. Considering there are several scenarios where the Umpire has to relocate behind the defense, it would seem the league that made instant replay has somehow found a way to increase the level of “human element” in their game.

To summarize, Indianapolis still can’t run the ball or stop someone from doing so, Pierre Garcon is still an expert of catching all passes meaningless and the Colts are still most effective playing without a lead. Things were so bad Sunday, Houston’s riding an undrafted player to a win stands as clear evidence they were simply showing off.

Dan Dierdorf’s honesty taught us much. “I can’t remember the last time I saw a defense… completely shredded… like that” the long-toothed color man pontificated in the fourth quarter, which revealed not that he hasn’t watched much football, just that he had never seen the Colts play before.

Manning’s frustrations boomeranged him back to darker days when he often came off the field frothing at the mouth. Protection issues and missed opportunities had the Colts QB, as my wife and I say of our 2 year old when he’s unhappy, “speaking whinese” most of the day.

So what can Colts fans look forward to? Well, the defense team officials boasted “could be one of our best” gave up a franchise record for rushing yards in a single game to an undrafted running back Sunday; so you’ll have to get creative.

And then there was poor Devin Moore, reminding us all why the NFL should just eliminate the kick off all together. For every time somebody returns one, a penalty immediately negates the games most exciting play. I guess when it comes to the Colts refusing to address the obvious every year, or fast food restaurants having Facebook pages, some things are best left unexplained.