The State of Indiana

First appeared on July 30th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

When basketball coach Tom Crean took the job at Indiana University, one has to wonder what his initial reaction was upon seeing his roster. In the wake of Kelvin Sampson’s blatant disregard for NCAA rules, Indiana has seen coaches fired, players transfer, recruits asking to be released from letters of intent and a total of three scholarships lost (at press time the future of the other 38,000 students on the IU campus remained unclear).
All of this combined has left Crean with one returning player. While his roster is reminiscent of the Ukrainian countryside after the Chernobyl meltdown, Crean remains upbeat. Despite toxic streams choked with glow in the dark fish and poisoned cows giving birth to calves with more eyes than legs, Crean insists he is in a good place.
On February 22nd Indiana agreed to a buyout of former head coach Kelvin Sampson for $750,000. In exchange, Sampson promised to hand over his cell phone, hop the first bus out of Bloomington and, oh yeah, to not sue the pants off the University. Knowing full well he had enough information to prove Sampson had been reckless and dishonest, one can only imagine how shaky President Michael McRobbie’s hand must have been while signing his John McHancock on Sampson’s check.
In late June the NCAA ruled that Indiana was negligent in supervising Sampson, charging the University with “failure to monitor”. This translates to mean the Athletic Department did not follow NCAA guidelines for compliance. Which of course translates to mean they didn’t follow the rules very well (like not at all). These latest findings were likely a major factor in AD Rick Greenspan’s decision to step down come December (that coupled with his skyrocketing unpopularity).
The head scratcher in all of this is the legal trouble Indiana finds itself in. The University has a very well respected law school after all. One that has been in operation for over 150 years and boasts alums working in all 50 states; including one justice on the Indiana Supreme Court.
Greenspan and the athletic department had one of the largest groups of law professors in the state at their disposal and yet they still apparently failed to decipher the NCAA legalese properly when it came to monitoring Sampson and his staff. Maddening.
Surely there are some attorneys out there who would have been willing to come to the defense of their alma mater by taking on Sampson. With this in mind, why would Indiana fear the proposition of flat out firing him? Why buy a guy out when some of the brightest attorneys in the nation cut their teeth in B-Town?
With the reputation of an entire University swirling at the bottom of the bowl, I’m certain Indiana could have easily found a former graduate willing to tackle the case (most likely pro-bono to boot), just to be sure someone plunged the tradition and good name of Indiana University from the depths of despair.
To put this into perspective, IU experiencing legal trouble is a lot like someone from Purdue’s Aeronautical Engineering School struggling to get a kite off the ground. It’s a mess. No, it’s more than a mess. It’s a disaster. In the world of sports it’s a disaster of biblical proportions. What happened to “We will fight for the glory of old IU”? If there was ever a time when the glory of old IU was in jeopardy, and worth fighting for, it‘s definitely now.

The Hoosier Gunslinger

First appeared on July 23rd, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Al Michaels had the call as Cleveland Indian reliever Doug Jones strode across the lime green Astroturf to take the mound under the bright lights of Riverfront Stadium. In front of a frenzied crowd of 55,000 screaming fans, American League Manager Tom Kelley handed the ball to Jones. The skipper was placing full trust in the young pitcher and his deceptive two seam fastball. Jones came through for the stars of the Junior Circuit, striking one batter out in 2/3 of an inning. His performance helped the American League earn a 2-1 victory in the 59th annual midsummer classic.
To be honest the only thing I remember about that particular evening is that it was the first time I had ever even heard of game MVP Terry Steinbach. However this past July 12th did mark the 20th anniversary of that first major league All Star appearance for Indians Pitcher and Lebanon native Doug Jones.
Drafted out of Butler by the Brewers in the third round of the 1978 draft, Jones made his Major League debut in April of 1982 with Milwaukee. Even the most diehard Brewers fan, you know the one who dresses up like Bernie Brewer for Halloween and has a lifetime subscription to beer illustrated, could not have predicted the type of career the right hander from small town Indiana would have.
After logging a solid and productive16 seasons in the majors Jones stands 20th all time in saves with 303. For me personally, he will most likely forever be associated with the Houston Astros teams I loved to hate. Looking back, my hatred/jealousy was most likely a combination of one part Jones was a great closer who always seemed to be slamming the door on my beloved Cubs and two parts the Astros were often having the type of success Chicago was not.
Closers have to be confident and intimidating as theirs is often a position filled with “meet me in the street at high-noon” type pressure. To Jones’ credit, his ability coupled with a six foot plus frame and Wyatt Earp-like stache helped him fill the role of Texas gunslinger well and during his time in the majors he dueled down a wide array of tremendous players. A formidable list that includes everyone from Hall of Famers Reggie Jackson, Cal Ripken, George Brett, Ryne Sanberg and Tony Gwynn to future Hall of Famers Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez.
In a career that saw time spent with 7 different teams, Jones averaged 24 saves per season and retired with over 900 strike outs. Perhaps the high-water mark of his career came in 1990 when he saved a personal best 43 games for Cleveland. That season Jones made his 3rd of 5 All Star appearances and finished 15th in the balloting for the American League Most Valuable Player. For those unfamiliar with MVP balloting, it is quite impressive for a reliever to receive such consideration.
Jones pitched his final game in September of 2000 for the Oakland Athletics. After a successful career in Major League Baseball, Doug Jones is a name that is slowly fading from the Lebanon community lexicon. However he does stand as yet another example of the rich athletic heritage garnered by the Friendly City. A heritage of proud accomplishments this community should never hesitate to celebrate. For more information, Jones’ doting father can be found hanging around Memorial Park cheering on the Lebanon Merchants most Thursday nights during the summer. He’ll be the one sporting the Indians cap.

This is the Year

First appeared on June 5th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Good news Cubs fans, this is the year. No more will you be forced to utter “Wait till next year.” This is the year that 100 years of suffering and sorrow come to an end. This is the year that the proverbial monkey on the back of one of professional sports most storied franchises is granted a permanent vacation. Riding a 9 game winning streak, the Cubs are in first place in the National League Central and currently have the best record in baseball. No, you don’t need to read that again, the Cubs really do have the best record in baseball.
While in years past the Cubs have found themselves in similar positions, never before have we seen this level of dominance from the northsiders. Coming into the week Chicago led major league baseball in runs scored, they were also first in hits and first in runs batted in. They have the highest on base percentage in baseball as well as the highest team batting average and their slugging percentage ranked second overall. Getting dizzy yet?
Offense can only get a team so far you may be thinking and most retired players turned color analysts/prognosticators/experts will present the plausible argument that to do well in October a team must have solid pitching. With this in mind, the Cubs pitching staff has the most wins in baseball, the team is third in saves and fifth in strike outs.
Statistics aside, it has just been one of those years so far. One of those years where everything the Cubs touch seems to be turning to gold. Take the signing of a little known Japanese all-star in the off season for example. Kosuke Fukodome has been a pleasant surprise, leading the team in walks while also stealing the second most bases. His performance has ushered in Fukudome mania which has the bleacher bums at Wrigley affectionately wearing headbands that have opposing outfielders questioning if they have wandered into a Japanese dojo instead of the Friendly Confines. The Cubs also moved Kerry Wood to the bullpen. The end result of this is that the once formidable flame-throwing starter has found new life, leading the team in saves with 15 while striking out 34 batters in just 31 innings. When it became evident the Cubs needed a left handed bat with some power they resorted to pulling a centerfielder off the waiver wire, MLB’s scrap heap of discarded players. Even this gamble seems to have panned out for Chicago as, over the weekend, former Cardinal Jim Edmonds was stellar in the Cubs homestand versus the Rockies.
I realize it is only June and yes, I realize that there over 100 games left to be played. Cubs fans, and baseball fans in general for that matter, realize that 100 games is plenty of time for a historic collapse. And history has told us that if any franchise is capable of such a collapse it would be the bedraggled Cubs.
It has been 100 years since Chicago last won a World Series title and the last time they managed to make an appearance in the fall classic was the year the big one ended (1945). Their last appearance also marked the infamous curse of the goat. This purported hex has supposedly haunted the franchise since 1945, preventing them from winning in the post season. The good news for Cubs fans is that the warranty life for goat curses happens to be a convenient 63 years, this means the Cubs should be able to focus on baseball and shelve their voodoo dolls and incense sticks come October. But alas, if by chance all does not end well this season, Cubs fans can rest safe in the knowledge that there’s always next year.

The Greatest Athelte Ever?

First appeared on July 16th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

The debate over the greatest athlete ever is as old as sports itself. It seems the same names surface anytime the topic arises. Michael Jordan, Jesse Owens, Bo Jackson, Jim Brown- no surprises here. But one name is noticeably missing most days. A superstar from the unglamorous world of such obscurely spectacular sports as competitive eating and whatever you call it when those crazy guys fish for catfish barehanded.
Billed as the “World Record Maker”, Jim “the Mouth” Purol holds 23 different titles. Infamous for testing the limits of human strength and athletic ability, perhaps Purol’s most admirable achievement is in the arena of long distance crawling (25 miles). No doubt Momma Purol dotes on her boy Jimmy for smoking the most cigarettes simultaneously (159). “The Mouth” also once put 280 straws, 18 hot dogs and 180 McDonalds French fries into his pie hole at one time too, though I’m guessing each were on separate occasions.
Just last week Purol was at it again in southern California’s famed Rose Bowl when he broke the Guinness Record for “Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours” with 39,250. Sporting a Chinese coolie hat and blue jeans reinforced with what one can only assume were several pairs of Depends undergarments, Purol and an assistant painstakingly inchwormed their way around the stadium one seat at a time until they had hit all 92,542 in a blindingly quick five days.
Purol’s Rose Bowl feat is not his first foray into what is described best as musical chairs on steroids. In the 80’s he parked it in every one of Michigan Stadium’s 101,701 seats ruining a total of four pairs of Levis. Suggesting Rough Riders over the Levis now I’m sure is just useless hindsight.
When it comes to ridiculous accomplishments however it seems the English are the gold standard. The fastest piece of furniture (a 90 mph sofa), heaviest car balanced on a human head (352 pounds), largest gathering of persons in Gorilla costumes (687), fastest circumnavigation of Earth by bicycle (194 days), largest sausage ever made (41,000 pounds) and the fastest turkey ever plucked (1 minute and 20 seconds) are all records owned by the English.
As the English dominate the world of obscure sports with style, American competitors like Purol are sitting, smoking and eating their way into the record books in typical American fashion. This is probably the reason why we are the heaviest nation on Earth. Technically speaking China should weigh more since they outnumber us almost 4 to 1, but the sad reality is that as a nation we’ve evidently had one too many McDonalds extra value meals in our day. Supersized, please.
While Purol’s place in the debate of “greatest athlete in history” is most definitely nonexistent, his generosity isn’t. Every time he attempts to shatter another dubious record he does so by raising money for a good cause. In fact Purol once raised over $30,000 for charity by driving 500 miles in reverse. No matter how obscure and inconsequential his accomplishments may seem to fans of legitimate sports, it’s hard to mock a guy who’s trying to make a difference.
As far as the knucklehead who owns the fastest 100 meter dash barefoot across ice (17 seconds) or the odd man who boasts the largest airplane sick bag collection (5,180), well feel free to insert your joke here or, better still since they’re both Europeans, dedicate yourself now to besting their records. USA! USA! You can check out Jim Purol at the URL below.
http://jimmouth.com/tv04_body.html

It's a Double Standard

First appeared on July 9th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

When was the last time you smacked your boss in the face for telling you no? When was the last time you walked into his office and grabbed him by the throat because he had the nerve to ask you to do your job? If you really had done either of these recently I’m guessing you would have already skipped this column on your way to the classifieds.
On June 25th Houston Astros Pitcher Shawn Chacon really did attack his boss when he physically assaulted the teams General Manager Ed Wade. Chacon was suspended immediately by the Astros and released a day later.
For many the attack conjured up images of basketball star Latrell Sprewell in 1997, choking and striking then Golden State Warriors coach PJ Carlesimo. For his actions Sprewell’s contract was voided and the NBA suspended him for 82 games. After all the dust had settled, Sprewell didn’t suit up in an NBA game again for over two years.
With all this in mind, the real story few seem to care about happened four days after Chacon was released when the mercurial Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez shoved Jack McCormick, the teams traveling secretary, to the ground. According to reports Ramirez asked McCormick for tickets just minutes before a sold out game was set to begin. When McCormick couldn’t come up with any empty seats, Ramirez took it upon himself to assault a man twice his age. And who can blame McCormick, I’m sure “knowledge of Jujitsu” wasn’t part of the job description when he signed on.
To this point the Red Sox have done nothing to discipline Ramirez. The outfielder did issue a public apology but is that really enough? Shawn Chacon is out of a job. Latrell Sprewell didn’t work for two years. Obviously I‘m not equating the three incidents, I wasn’t present for any of them. I am however wondering why the Red Sox did nothing to show the baseball world that their locker room is not in fact full of knuckle dragging Neanderthals whose gut reaction to frustration is to hammer someone over the head with a club while grunting “ME ANGRY!”
What’s the real difference in this double standard you may ask? Chacon was a right handed pitcher who had only won 2 games all season and was carrying an ERA so swollen it dwarfed the goiter on Aunt Eula’s neck. Ramirez on the other hand is a future Hall of Famer who has hit over 500 home runs in his career. Chacon’s contract paid him 2 million dollars a season while Ramirez’s is somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 million. After some basic math it becomes fairly obvious which of the two is more important to their team.
The real injustice here isn’t just the disrespect the Red Sox have shown Jack McCormick. The real issue is the message the Sox are sending to young fans. By not disciplining Ramirez at all the franchise, and Major League Baseball for that matter, have basically said that if you are really good at what you do then it is acceptable for you to treat people like something you would scrape from the bottom of your shoe with a plastic butter knife (see Scat).
It’s the age old debate: “Are professional athletes role models?” and I say yes. Like it or not some kids hang on the every word and deed of these guys. Ramirez doesn’t need to be released, but the Red Sox and baseball commissioner Bud Selig have done the culture of our nation itself a great disservice by letting him walk despite his unacceptable behavior.

All Eyes on China

First appeared on June 24th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

On August 8th the opening ceremony of the summer Olympics will take place in Beijing. Considering we lead the all time gold medal count with a total stretching well past 2,000, the U.S. has to be considered amongst the favorites across the board heading into the games. While the competition to bring home more gold will no doubt be stiff, it may not be the most fascinating part of the games.
The Olympics have long been a place where political statements have been made. Take for example the 1968 games in Mexico City when Tommie Smith and John Carlos both made a show of black power by bowing their heads and raising gloved fists when the Star Spangled Banner was played during their medal ceremony. At the Munich games of 1972 the world watched in horror as 11 members of Israel’s Olympic team were taken hostage only to later die at the hands of a Muslim extremist group. In 1976 over 20 different African nations withdrew from the Montreal games in protest of New Zealand’s connections with South Africa’s racist government. And who can ever forget 1980 and 84 when the U.S. led a boycott of the Moscow summer games and the Soviet Union organized their own boycott of the Los Angeles summer games respectively.
The goal of the modern Olympics as stated in the IOC charter is to “…contribute to building a peaceful and better world…” While the competition does much to bring nations together, history has shown in the past it has done just as much to stir the world up politically as well. Now the games come to China and “building a peaceful and better world” has been left to the Chinese.
These are the same Chinese who have all but banned organized religion and continue to maintain an illegitimate stranglehold on the people of Tibet. The same Chinese whose communist government insists on smothering accuracy in the national media and is notorious for the harsh sentencing of dissidents. The same Chinese who forced Google and Yahoo to agree to a laundry list of restrictions before their internet services could be offered in China. Restrictions that include aiding the Chinese in monitoring anti-government messaging and sites.
For the summer of 2008 the IOC has left the responsibility of “building a peaceful and better world” in the hands of the Chinese. Asking China to build a peaceful and better world is the equivalent of asking Bobby Knight to run his own day care for toddlers. I see neither as a scenario for success.
With all this in mind, the Chinese government better buckle up because soon the eyes of the world will be upon them. No more will the Great Wall be enough to keep the meddling hands and prying eyes of the world out. It should prove very interesting to see how the games are covered and how China is portrayed in the worldwide spotlight the Olympics will no doubt provide.
What will happen if an athlete wishes to make his or her own personal political statement such as we’ve seen in the past? Will the communist party have a Tiananmen-like response? Will NBC be allowed unfettered access to Chinese athletes or will their interviews be edited by government media goons? If the Olympic torch’s tour of the world is any indication of how rocky things may get, this summer’s games just might be the most interesting in history.