Big Issues for the Big Ten

First appeared on October 16, 2014
in The Lebanon Reporter

Dear College Football Experts,

Hello, my name is the Big Ten Conference. Recently, I’ve heard a lot about these so-called glaring deficiencies destined to send me spiraling down a path towards humiliation and national disgrace. I’ll be honest, it’s a lot to take, this constant belittling and the nonstop comparisons to the other power conferences. And I’m not afraid to admit that one coping mechanism my therapist suggested was reaching out to you so that we might find common ground.

I guess I’ll start by facing the elephant in the room. Just exactly why do you hate me? I believe that being the oldest conference in Division One sports should account for something. Where I come from, a place where God fearing people still have faith in Washington and families eat meals with the television off, we respect our elders.

So you’ve got some newfangled four team playoff system you’re shoving down everyone’s throats and somehow I’m supposed to be a major player in it. And now that my preseason Heisman candidate is done for the year and none of my teams can seem to keep pace with the best of the SEC, the sports world wants to look down their collective noses at me? Awesome.

Let’s not forget, I never pretended to be the football power conference you made me out to be. After all, how can anyone expect me to compete when I don’t get the best recruits money can buy? And, yes that was meant to be a literal cliché. Besides, my students have been busy doing amazing things off the grid iron. Things like becoming President, walking on the moon and being Cindy Crawford.

See, in the Big Ten we’re about tradition. Traditions like the Old Oaken Bucket, Paul Bunyan’s Axe and repeatedly coming up short in National Championship games. That last part might be what my therapist refers to as a ‘Freudian slip’. At any rate, when people say we need to care more about your four team playoff system or find new ways to evolve because we’ve fallen behind, we just smile and wave because that’s how we in the Midwest were taught to deal with criticism.

As the proud parent of 14 beautiful institutions, it’s very hard to sit by idly while you drag my family through the mud. When you’re left to play god with college football by telling us who can and can’t participate in your four team dog and pony show, the result will be counterproductive.

You’ll unintentionally breed an entire generation of fans who long for the unattainable spotlight, thus trivializing the accomplishments of those regional schools they follow. In other words, not everyone can be Gerald Ford, Neil Armstrong and Cindy Crawford, so why not learn to celebrate joy in your own life where it exists? Don’t worry, I won’t charge you $75 an hour for that advice.

So yes, I’m writing you today to concede I’m old fashioned. However, I’m also loyal at the same time. And while these things may fall flat with the cool kids and won’t qualify me for your four team playoff, over the years they’ve garnered the support of throngs of diehard fans. Fans who consider themselves part of a larger family. And you, with your panel of experts and supercomputers that have never tailgated before a game at “The Big House”, will never understand what we dinosaurs in the Midwest came to realize a long time ago. That time with family will always carry you further than the spotlight of any national stage possibly could.

Yours truly,

The Big Ten Conference


© 2014 Eric Walker Williams