The Year in Review

First appeared on December 31st, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter.

As preparations are begun for our journey into the unknown abyss that is 2009, we feel it necessary to pause for a moment and reflect on the year that was 2008. What better way to do so than by recognizing a few of the more notable efforts in the sports world with our own version of a hokey year end awards column. Of course it must be noted there was no voting of any kind in this process which should make them all the more illegitimate and inconsequential.
The award for “best job of finally escaping your older brother’s shadow after all these years of hearing how great he is” goes to Eli Manning of the New York Giants for winning Super Bowl XLII. Nice job Eli- of course a real goal oriented person would set their sights on snagging a league MVP trophy next, you know like the two (soon to be three) your older brother Peyton has.
For all his diligent work at Indiana University, former men’s basketball coach Kelvin Sampson earns the “man whose name will most likely forever force Hoosier fans to utter a well deserved and unflattering expletive” award. Of course we feel certain there is absolutely no explanation whatsoever necessary here and, somewhat remarkably, when attempting to notify him of his prestigious nomination Sampson couldn’t be reached by phone.
The award for “diminishing the performances of all other Olympic athletes in Beijing while making someone seem absolutely inhuman and larger than life” goes to NBC sports for their coverage of Michael Phelps and his pursuit of Olympic infamy. In their acceptance speech NBC should thank not only Phelps for his amazing performance (some might say ‘superhero in a speedo-like’) but they should give a nod as well to the IOC as well for not personally inviting Mark Spitz to witness his own records being shattered.
The “it’s been a long time coming” award goes to Tony George for reuniting open wheel racing. In ending the 12 year split between Champ and IRL fans should soon see what had become the Greatest Debacle in Racing return to form as the Greatest Spectacle in Racing (snake pit and all). Of course this doesn’t mean the mad scientist George is completely done tinkering in his laboratory; we did see motorcycles racing at IMS in September after all. What could possibly be next? Hot air balloons? Wait- that’s already been done.
For finding a way to get 12 millionaires to stuff a laundry list of individual agendas into their suitcases long enough to give the rest of the world an Olympic sized beat down on their way to winning the gold medal in men’s basketball, head coach Mike Krzyzewski is deserving of something. Of course understand we have begrudgingly nominated Coach K here and our stubborn pride prevents us from aptly naming his award; for to this day we retain a certain level of bitterness over the National Semi-Final loss our beloved Hoosiers suffered to Duke in 1992.
Of course the best story of the year no doubt happened here in Lebanon. The “heart of gold” award for 2008 goes to those Lebanon residents who gave so selflessly in coming to the aid of Alex Rose and his family when their lives were turned completely upside down. After Alex was severely injured in an ATV accident late in the summer countless individuals volunteered in various ways to help make the Rose family’s lives more manageable. All of this kind-hearted generosity simply underscores the fact that we remain residents of the “Friendly City” indeed. Best wishes to you and yours in the New Year.

To Sit or Not to Sit

First apppeared on December 24th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter.

To sit or not to sit, that is the question the Colts must answer. At 11-4, and winners of 8 straight, Indianapolis has already sealed its playoff fate and, coming into this weekend, once again the men in blue face the tough decision of what to do with another meaningless game. Theories abound on how this situation is best handled and it goes without saying there is no obvious right answer. For the Colts only one man knows what will happen for sure on Sunday and that is head Coach Tony Dungy.
As we have seen in the past, when Dungy sits his best he sends a clear message to the rest of the league; for Indianapolis the regular season is over. Over? In the infamous words of Bluto from Animal House “was it over when the Germans bombed Pear Harbor?” Of course in quoting one of the most strangely inspirational movie scenes of all time we are contending this season is in fact not over and the Colts should play their studs against Tennessee, at least for a half.
Time and again history has proven you reap what you sow. When guys play, theoretically they improve (see Peyton Manning’s season this year after missing training camp) and when you sit healthy players it doesn’t take long for rust to develop (see 2006 Divisional loss to Pittsburgh).
Any way you split it this is a no win situation for Tony Dungy. If he doesn’t play his starters and the Colts fail to win the Super Bowl then Dungy obviously made the wrong choice. If he plays his starters and Manning blows his good knee out or Freeney’s bad foot falls off then Dungy is obviously a fool. And to say Tony Dungy is a fool after all he’s done in Indianapolis is like calling politics in Illinois transparent.
With Thursday’s victory over Jacksonville, a Tony Dungy-led team qualified for its 10th straight playoff appearance (going back to his days with Tampa Bay). It marks his 7th in a row with Indy and the 10 consecutive is a new NFL record that allows the Colts coach to ease his way past the “Man in the Hat” Tom Landry. The Colts have also won 11 or more games in 6 straight years. This mark ties them with the 1976-81 Dallas Cowboys for the NFL record and, in case you were wondering, the aforementioned Cowboys were coached by the aforementioned “Man in the Hat”.
With all this in mind it should come as no shock that Tony Dungy (more than anyone else in NFL history) probably knows what he’s doing should he choose to sit his best players Sunday. Pondering his career to this point we are convinced Dungy is most likely part Jedi master, part football coach and for the most part a first class human being. Irregardless of what he decides, Indy fans should just find solace in the fact that he is still the one making these types of decisions in the Circle City.
In all seriousness this is a situation the NFL needs to take a long look at. Over 60,000 fans will show up Sunday having paid full price for tickets to what they expect will be an NFL game. Many will be sporting jerseys of players who will probably never even step foot on the field. Perhaps in the end this is all merely a tremendously complicated ruse by Colts owner Jim Irsay and his merchandising department to boost the sales of their second string jerseys.
The bottom line in all of this is that we are going to be forced to suffer through yet another meaningless game. A game played mostly by a group of well seasoned bench warmers who will most likely be unavailable for a last minute signing in any fantasy football league; which of course renders their participation all the more completely useless. Alas this is the corner the Colts, and more importantly the league, have painted themselves into and it would seem there is no logical way out for either now.

Baby Boilers all Grown Up

First appeared on December 17th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

There was a time when the Big Ten’s battle between the red sweater and the bad comb over meant everything. Alas the face of the Big Ten conference is changing. The days of the legendary Knight- Keady showdowns are gone and, now that the league has seen an influx of younger coaches and a mandate that all bench chairs be bolted to the floor, one coach has quietly worked his way to the top.
After an inaugural season that saw the Boilers go 9-19 under his leadership, Matt Painter has led a resurrection to the top of the Big Ten. But, just like Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, Painter isn’t fooling anybody. We know whose playbook he‘s stealing pages from. As a former player and assistant under long time Boilermaker front man Gene Keady, Painter has done well putting a 21st century spin on his mentor’s old school philosophy.
To put it plainly, Painter’s Boilers are hard nosed. And when we say hard we mean real hard; hard as in an Abe Lincoln’s nose on Mt. Rushmore kind of hard. This hard nosed “getter done” with defense approach is nothing new to fans of the Boilermakers. In fact, this year’s team exhibits every bit the same defensive vigor and purpose that Keady hammered into his players for 25 years. The biggest difference now is that Painter is preaching his mentor’s defensive philosophy of maximum effort to a group of blue chip recruits that were so few and far between under Keady.
Aside from a couple poor outings, including their first flirtation with the national stage against Duke and their overlooking a scrappy Indiana State team last weekend, Purdue has been rock solid this season. In fact they are rolling opponents by almost 20 a game (a number which is all the more impressive when it includes a 16 point loss to Duke).
To this point the Boilers have racked up 35 more steals than the opposition. They have 79 less turnovers and are smothering opponents into .34% shooting from the field. Throw in a margin of plus 66 in assists along with an average of 20 free throws per game and the Boilers have found a winning recipe for basketball.
JaJuan Johnson’s development as a force inside should help Purdue endure the rough and tumble Big Ten season. E’Twaun Moore is a guard with length who can score as well as defend and, if it isn’t already, Robbie Hummel’s picture should be found in the dictionary under “Basketball Player”. Along with defending Defensive Player of the Year Chris Kramer, the Boilers also have a nice combination of smaller guards who are excellent defenders in their own right.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where the inspiration for the mascots of both schools came from when one sees Purdue Pete’s square jaw and the hook nose and pointy ears of Duke’s Blue Devil. With this in mind, Painter is filling Keady’s shoes well so far. It isn’t always easy to follow an icon at a major university; Just ask Mike Davis and John Treloar…and then just Mike Davis…and then Kelvin Sampson…and of course then Dan Dakich for like half a game…and now Tom Crean.
But to call these Boilers the Baby Boilers now is like telling President Bush to duck. It’s too late; these guys aren’t babies anymore. In fact they have went from being the babies of the Big Ten to the bullies. Instead of just trying to win games, the Boilers are looking to steal your lunch money AND beat you up. It’s this bully-like mentality, and Painter’s style, that should carry the Boilers a long way this season.

Welcome to the Bizarro World

First appeared on December 10th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

The other day the cashier at Steak and Shake, in a subtle tone reminiscent of Hitler during his Reichstag speech, informed us we were wrong for arguing our tab. Evidently the “4 meals under $4” they are advertising actually costs a staggeringly ridiculous, and not to mention falsely advertised, $4.35. Well those who have been following our predictions lately may have noticed a trend as well. They’ve been completely wrong too. Over a month ago we pronounced the Colts dead in the water and said they would miss the playoffs. Six weeks and six straight wins later the Colts are positioning themselves well for the postseason. Last week we argued that Ball State deserved far more respect nationally than what they have received. Evidently as a way of thanking us, the Cards went out and lost the MAC championship over the weekend.
All of this has our confidence somewhat shaken as for some time now we have seemingly been living in the Bizarro World. Down is up, up is down and nothing is as it should be. It’s as if instead of everything we touch turning to gold; everything we touch has been turning to zinc, nickel, copper or whatever element would be considered the opposite of gold. Everyone knows it is rare indeed for the TV weather guys to admit when they’re wrong but we won’t hesitate- we were wrong and the fact that we are so quick to admit we were wrong is probably one of the largest reasons we didn’t go into TV weather to begin with; well that and our lack of a degree in meteorology and perfect hair.
But now that we have discovered our newfound superpower (the ability to get everything wrong), we feel obliged to use it for good. Perhaps now we will be capable of altering the future course of events to our benefit. In other words if we’re guaranteed to get everything wrong, maybe we can actually get things right (in a round a bout way).
With this in mind we believe the New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl this season and, in doing so, Bill Belichick will be named coach of the year (don’t worry, there’s still time to invest money in the video tape industry before the playoffs). Of course there is no way the Colts will win the Super Bowl again because Peyton Manning will never return to the form of his MVP seasons.
Mike Krzyzewski will win his fourth national championship this year allowing him to best the three claimed by his mentor Bobby Knight. North Carolina will become the first men’s college basketball team to go undefeated since the aforementioned Knight’s 1976 Indiana Hoosiers and McDonalds will never add the McRib to their permanent menu. Ed McMahon will never knock on our door with a check for a million dollars and this year, instead of celebrating Christmas for time honored family traditions, Americans will continue to celebrate it out of some twisted sense of commercial responsibility.
But enough with this George Costanza approach to life. Sports are often illogical (see Buffalo over Ball State). This is most likely the largest reason so many Americans are drawn to them. The illogicality of sports is also most likely the reason we are drawn to pontificating upon them in the first place. If sports were predictable Vegas odds makers and bookies would be waiting on line at every soup kitchen and government cheese house from Oxnard to Jekyll Island. For most, the unpredictability of sports is what makes them charming. And we say beware anyone who tells you they can predict the outcome of sport with regularity for they are nothing more than a modern day snake charmer or traveling medicine man; or perhaps worse- a TV weatherman in disguise.

Ball State Deserves More

First appeared on December 3rd, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

At one time Ball State was best known for simply being a teacher’s college founded by five brothers who had made their fortune in the canning industry. It took a lovable gap-toothed talk show host armed with quirky gimmicks like “Stupid Pet Tricks” and the “Top Ten reasons you will never go to Muncie” to put the university on the national map. This season however, Ball State is garnering national attention for reasons altogether foreign to fans and alums alike.
To illuminate the spectacular season Ball State’s football team has had we felt obliged to pay homage to the genius of BSU alum David Letterman by offering now our Top Ten things you may or may not have known about the undefeated Cards.
10. Before the season started the powers that be picked Ball State to finish second in the MAC conference’s western division (that means third overall in the conference); leaving us to ponder if there has ever been a time in recorded history where a preseason prediction in any sport has ever been correct.
9. Cardinal Defensive end Brandon Crawford is a 32 year old Junior and former marine. Last spring Crawford added to his unique resume by winning the Terry Award which is given to players who show courage as football student athletes.
8. Ball States high octane offense is piloted by quarterback Nate Davis who is ranked sixth nationally in passer rating. This puts him just behind the likes of Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow (both of which are in the current national discussion for the Heisman Trophy Award).
7. For much of the season, the Cardinals standout quarterback has been protected by a Lebanon Tiger. Red shirt freshman and former All State tackle Kreg Hunter has seen time on the offensive line for the Cards.
6. At 5’6 and 184 pounds, junior running back MiQuale Lewis barrels through linebackers like a bowling ball pounding through a 9-10 split. After 12 games the life sized Brunswick Avalanche Slide (oddly placed bowling ball reference) is ranked fourth nationally with 1,570 rushing yards and is third overall in scoring with 20 touchdowns.
5. The conversation about the future of Cards coach Brady Hoke, one of only 18 men nationally to be coaching their Alma matter, has already begun. Cardinal fans should rest safe in the knowledge that Hoke is a proud Ball State alum and, beyond this, his wife and only daughter are both former graduates as well.
4. There have only been two Ball State teams that have ever won 10 games in a season and Brady Hoke has been a part of both. In case you’ve chosen to start reading the column here-Hoke coaches this year’s undefeated Cardinal team. He was also a four year letterman and member of the 1978 squad that went 10-1.
3. For our left brain readers Ball State has gone 44 games without being shut out. They are ranked in the top 20 nationally in both total yards and points scored. They are seventh overall in 3rd down conversions and have punched it in nearly 88% of the time from the proverbial red zone. They have never trailed at the half of any game this season and have been pounding opponents by an average of 21 points per game.
2. Ball State is pretty good.
1. Despite their outstanding season, and due largely to the totalitarian wisdom of the faceless entity that shall be forever known as the BCS, the Cardinals and their undefeated record seem destined for an unglamorous match up with some mediocre school nobody cares about come January. This is the injustice the BCS needs to address and soon.

Tales from the Oaken Bucket Game

First appeared on November 26th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Rare is the occasion when two teams awash in a storybook-like greatness take to the same field in a tussle of such epic proportions that generations to come are sure to remember it vividly. Unfortunately such was not the case Saturday in West Lafayette as Indiana and Purdue met in the old Oaken Bucket game once again. Truly-what a difference a year makes as this years match up meant about as much as John McCain forcing a recount in North Dakota.
Last season an Austin Starr kick gave the Hoosier Nation some temporary hope that this football thing might work out. This season’s meeting didn’t begin to approach life or death and thankfully nobody will be playing another game. Many who found themselves in Ross Aide Saturday were overcome by the feeling that these two squads were taking to the field simply because someone had to lose the game.
For those of you who don’t relish sub-par football in sub-zero conditions let us summarize the day now. Imagine being at the infamous Ice Bowl of NFL fame; had that game been played on the most distant moon of the third planet west of Pluto that is (Make that Neptune instead as Pluto is in the process of appealing its recent non-planet demotion). To be clear it was cold.
From the looks of tailgate row, one wouldn’t know the Boilers were struggling however. In the chilled air the aroma of cheesy brats hung amidst the thumping sound of bags on a Cornhole board. Despite the conditions, fans turned out in all shapes and sizes. West Lafayette- where else could one find someone dressed as a Teletubby carrying a conversation on with another fan wearing a Jesus costume complete with curly wig, thorny crown and robe. One paid homage to Purdue quarterback Kyle Orton by wearing his jersey; and shoulderpads, and game pants, and eye black, and Bear game socks, and fake beard.
Not to be outdone one fan came lumbering down tailgate row looking like an extra off the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in a Craig Terril jersey, Mohawk haircut, black face paint and golden tassles tied to a pair of bulky arms. Nestled amongst the noisy rattle of generators one could find gas grills, charcoal grills, fire pits, tents with walls, propane space heaters, RV’s, Humvee’s and dozens upon dozens of cold people.
Coming into Saturday both schools stood a dismal 3-8 on the year (1-6 in conference play). IU’s season was a testament to the role injuries can play in derailing your dreams while the Boiler’s season was more living proof that lame duck coaches always coach one too many seasons. Somehow Purdue came in the favorite and, despite the game meaning absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, there was a palpable tension inside Ross Aide Stadium. Boiler fans could see the vultures circling over the Indiana sideline and Hoosier fans took note of the moving vans parked outside awaiting the chance to swallow up the contents of head coach Joe Tiller’s office.
Despite the season, for one afternoon Purdue fans remembered why they fell in love with Joe Tiller in the first place. For one afternoon it was “basketball on grass” again. For one afternoon they said goodbye to a man who changed football in the Big Ten while also sticking it to the one team they love sticking it to the most. The Joe Tiller era is over and where Purdue football goes from here is anyone’s guess. To be clear Tiller changed the face of football at Purdue. Some see him as a victim of his own success; we view him as yet another casualty in an unfortunate “what did you do for us this season?” culture that pervades college sports today.
At the end of the day the Boilers may have escaped the basement of the Big Ten with the Old Oaken Bucket in tow, but they sent a good coach and even better man on a wagon train west.

Tom Crean is a Maverick

First appeared on November 19th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Indiana basketball fans will be happy to know that during the 2009-10 season the Hoosiers will be putting one of the top 5 recruiting classes in the nation on the floor. Until then….well let’s just say for the first time in history the people of Indiana will know what it feels like to brace for a major hurricane. The men’s basketball season, which has been lurking somewhere over the proverbial Atlantic like a Category 5 storm, is about to come ashore.
It has become so cliché for sports columnists or part time sports columnists or even writers pretending to be part time sports columnists for that matter to make predictions about the future that we feel an intense amount of pressure to conform. If the Hoosiers can win 10 games this season fans should be very happy; if they win more than that-Crean is a genius on the same level as Ben Franklin, Albert Einstein or Peter Sellers.
For proof see his team. There are five players who were actually recruited to play basketball and all of those are freshman. There are seven walk ons, one of which has already been drafted to play major league baseball (see his picture in Webster’s under “glutton for punishment”). There is one player who has division one experience and one who hails from the Gambia. Vegas will likely run the over under for Hoosier wins against the number of announcers who actually pronounce Tijan Jobe’s name correctly during the season.
Now, predictions aside, we’re here to speak on the resurrection that is underway in Bloomington. In eight short months Tom Crean has managed to restore some semblance of pride and unity within Hoosier Nation. This after all they stood for was absolutely torched by Kelvin Sampson. On an ultra-quizzical side note, with everything Sampson has been accused of, he is back in basketball as an assistant with the Milwaukee Bucks. If you would like to drop him a note thanking him for all the work he did in burying one of the most storied programs in NCAA history, you can reach him at fanfocused@bucks.com, or since it is Kelvin Sampson we’re talking about, you might be better served calling him at 877-428-BUCK.
In a word Crean has been electric. He has been pushing buttons nonstop since his April hiring. The man has literally been everywhere. From giving a public lecture on leadership to doing numerous radio interviews, he’s logged thousands of miles on the recruiting trail, made an appearance on ESPN’s talk show Rome is Burning and even somehow found time to squeeze in a 500 practice session at the track. To be clear, Tom Crean is inexhaustible.
The Hoosiers kicked off the season with “Hoosier Hysteria” and Crean made it an extra special evening by inviting former players back to Assembly Hall. The guest list included representatives from multiple generations of Hoosier teams. After their first win over Northwestern State (see cupcake in the dictionary) Saturday night Crean continued building support for his program by spending time afterwards flat handing fans and thanking the students for turning out.
From hiring Sampson in the first place, a move that made about as much sense as the Today show burning thousands of gallons of jet fuel while sending their anchors around the world in a futile effort to highlight the need for us to be more “green”, to hiring Crean, the Indiana athletic department has come light years in escaping the dreaded land of zero tolerance. Forget the outcome of this season, from everything we’ve seen to this point Tom Crean appears to be a great hire.

These aren't Your Grandpa's Pacers

First appeared on November 12th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter.

Last season it reached a point where the Pacers would have been better served by simply turning the lights out in Conseco. Most nights proved to be a seat-stealers dream as the Fieldhouse had seemingly morphed into a ginormous concrete bug zapper capable of repelling NBA fans by the thousands. In case you haven’t heard, the Pacers have made a few changes since last we saw them struggling in every since of the word. Gone are most of the overrated multi-million dollar gunslingers (and we mean gunslinger in the most literal since of the word possible) and in their place the blue and gold have a new batch of hard nosed team players full of nothing but pure guts.
Since the brawl we have seen the Pacers launch one feeble propaganda campaign after another advertising a “new look” or touting “a team united”. Sadly, the Pacers have been slow to learn that when you field a legitimate winner it becomes unnecessary to advertise the truth. This new group may not win enough to suit some but they will tug at the heartstrings of every true Indiana basketball fan; in short they are hard working team players.
But toting their lunch pails to Conseco every night won’t be enough to bring energy back to Pacer nation. Undoubtedly a new work ethic and likable players will bring enough warm bodies through the turn styles to drown out the orchestra of crickets we became so used to hearing at Corn-seco last season but the real energy won’t return until this crew proves they can win.
Don’t misunderstand, we are not hear to wax poetic about the days of Reggie dropping 25 in the fourth quarter, or tallying 8 points in 11 seconds (take your pick), to down the Knicks while shoving a proverbial sweat-soaked sock in Spike Lee’s mouth; rather we’re here only to make our rather bold prediction. This team will battle for the final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.
Though it’s still early, first round pick Roy Hibbert seems to have the tools necessary to be productive enough to escape the tsunami of big man busts that appears to be ready to swamp Portland. With Danny Granger averaging over 20 points a game it looks as though he might be the embodiment of a $60 million bargain and, though it’s still early, in retrospect swapping Jermaine O’Neal for Hibbert and lightning fast point guard T.J. Ford (17 ppg thus far) appears to have been a move any right minded skinflint would have made. With Troy Murphy averaging 11 points and 11 rebounds (yes we know it’s still early), the Pacers should only get better when their second leading scorer from last season, Mike Dunleavy, returns from injury.
Boston will still be Boston and Dwight Howard’s shoulders will once again be broad enough for the entire city of Orlando. Philadelphia also looks to make a playoff return after improving their roster with the addition of Elton Brand. Dwayne Wade is healthy for the Heat and the Pistons just shocked the league by trading for future Hall of Famer Allen Iverson last week.
With LeBron still in Cleveland the Pacers will most likely have to beat out Toronto, Atlanta or Washington for a playoff spot. Of course this means any true Pacer fan should root like heck against these teams. In fact, stop reading this now and go search online for Jermaine O’Neal voodoo dolls. While you’re sticking pins in his knees, cross your fingers that Gilbert Arenas doesn’t make it back until the Wizards have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and of course root for Atlanta to be….well Atlanta.
No matter the outcome of this season there is something refreshing in the prospect of rooting for a team that won’t literally shoot at you should your support happen to wane.

Get off the Colts' Bandwagon While You Can

First appeared on November 5th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter.

This just in, the Colts have lost two of three games. Their record stands now at 4-4 on the season and to say the blue nation is nervous is about like saying Tina Fey and Sarah Palin could have been separated at birth. Here is some insider’s advice for you- the time to jump off the bandwagon is now. Get out while you can, get out before you lose all hope. Get out while you still have a small bit of hope with which you can begin a new nest egg on the bandwagon of some other NFL franchise; we suggest the Bengals or Lions as their stock would be an absolute steal right now. If you are a Colts fan aged 55 or older, good luck-there’s nothing we can do for you.
Experts can’t remember the last time the Colts were so inconsistent on both sides of the ball and many predict things will get uglier before they get better. Why you ask? There are so many factors at play that the average American wouldn’t fully understand this crisis. The offensive line has had issues and Payton’s surgically repaired knee appears to have the flexibility of an 87 year old man. Marvin Harrison is one Rodney Harrison cheap shot away from filing for Social Security and once again Bob Sanders reckless disregard for the limits of his own body had him clocking punts on the sideline when his team needed him most.
Is there a chance this season will turn around? In a word-no. You may be wondering if you should just stay put and leave your hope invested in the Colts like the always mirthful Suze Orman or her arch nemesis Neil Cavuto (aka Dilbert in an Armani suit) might suggest. The Colts have games remaining with two division leaders in Pittsburgh and the Titans, as well as two teams that will be clawing and scratching for playoff berths as well in Jacksonville and San Diego. Let us be the first to say, unless Payton is planning on jumping in a phone booth sometime soon where he might don the same cape and tights worn during his 49 touchdown season, this ship is going down and you need to get off.
Some blame the Republicans, others say it’s the fault of the Oil Speculators, we blame the play calling on third down. The Colts have been injured yes, but they have also been sloppy, lackluster and for most of the season utterly and entirely un-Colt like.
We’re here to announce these Colts will not make the playoffs. In fact we’re so sure these Colts will not make it to the playoffs that if it happens, and if we were Taco Bell, we would be prepared to offer every American not only just a free taco, but a free Mexican pizza, free nachos supreme, free Baja chicken Gordita, two free breakfast burritos with a free extra large soft drink and some free Mexican ice cream as well (limited to 1 order per car please).
Perhaps if we’re lucky Congress will step in and offer a bailout package that will allow the Colts to sign some of the NFL’s best players before the playoffs begin. Can you imagine Manning handing off to Adrian Peterson or DeMarcus Ware lining up opposite Dwight Freeney on the defensive line? With someone else’s money, it’s no stretch to say the possibilities are absolutely endless.
The Colts chances of another Super Bowl run someday aren’t toast just yet, but as an elite team this group is on the downhill run. In a way this year’s NFL playoffs will likely be a microcosm of the political landscape in the United States. Yesterday’s election was the first in 28 years that did not feature a Bush on the ticket and this years playoffs will be the first in what seems to be just as long that won’t feature the Colts on the field.

The First Pitch Heard Around the World

First appeared on October 29th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Some would say the end of George W. Bush’s term is looming on the horizon like a mirage in the desert. And, as we as a nation are busy straggling our way through the knee deep sand, it seems everyone from Oprah to Joe the Plumber are weighing in on W’s place in history. In the mold of every great ambulance chaser before us, we feel obliged to weigh in. This won’t be your run of the mill “he’s the worst president ever” diatribe those of us in the 35-105 age bracket have become so accustomed to hearing after a two term President rides off into the sunset. Consider this instead a comfy, warm your little heart bedtime story mother would have soothed you with on a dark stormy night.
Once upon a time in the year 2001 there lived the son of a former King who had stolen the throne from the man who invented the internet. In all seriousness the fall of 2001 is a time we never want to relive. September 11th was a seminal moment in the lives of so many people and the days, weeks and months that followed that horrific day still resonate with many.
For us one of clearest memories of that time was the uncertainty that loomed over our world. Most were of the opinion that it wasn’t a matter of if, but when another attack would come and, say what you want about the guy now, George W. Bush was solid as a rock during the darkest hours of our time. His calling Al Queda a “faceless enemy” and standing on the rubble of Ground Zero assuring the world that the United States would swing back are two powerful memories we have of those days. For us however, the most powerful moment of 43’s time at 1600 Pennsylvania came several weeks later.
In October of that year, the Arizona Diamondbacks and New York Yankees were fighting it out in the World Series. The first two games had been played at the BOB in Phoenix before the teams made their way to New York for game three. New York City hosting something of the magnitude of a World Series game just 48 days after the attacks of September 11th was certainly a shaky prospect at best.
It was a moment in time when Americans everywhere were clinging nervously to countless uncertainties. With their confidence shattered, many were on the hunt for someone to give them a boost back up on the wall. It was at this time that George W. Bush made one of the best decisions of his presidency. He agreed to throw out the first pitch at game three of the World Series.
Over 57,000 had gathered at Yankee Stadium on that cool October night. With 1200 police officers in attendance and a 34 mile wide no-fly zone around the stadium, there were still so many things that could have went wrong that night and yet perhaps that is what makes it all the more a powerful moment.
Moments after fans were treated to the sight of a Bald Eagle strafing an enormous American flag in centerfield, Bush entered. Just how many held their breath when the leader of the free world strolled onto the playing field will never be known. Clad in a jacket commemorating NYC firefighters as he took his perch on the mound, it wasn’t just the eyes of his countrymen, rather those of the entire world that were upon him. Chants of U-S-A, U-S-A were thundering around the stadium as he gave fans a thumbs up before firing what can only be described as a perfect strike to home plate.
In choosing to throw that pitch President Bush said more than let Game Three begin, he sent a message to the world that fear would always remain an emotion unfamiliar to Americans. From that moment on nothing would keep the U.S. from rising once again. As today marks the 7th anniversary of that powerful moment, perhaps we should all take time to look back on how far we’ve come.

Remembering Air WEBO

First appeared on October 22nd, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Once upon a Halloween night the Indianapolis Colts pounded the Denver Bronco’s 55-23 behind the fancy footwork of a bespectacled Eric Dickerson who shredded the Bronco’s defense for 159 yards and four touchdowns. That game marked the debut for the city of Indianapolis on ABC’s Monday Night Football. Memories of that night for fans of the Western Boone Stars may be a bit more blurry as they were busy celebrating their victory over the Carroll Cougars in the opening round of sectional play.
The year was 1988. The sports world was buzzing about a home run Kirk Gibson had hit on one good leg and, in a moment that will live in political infamy, Lloyd Bensten had already told Dan Quayle: “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.” In our small corner of the world “Air WEBO” was all the rage. After a dismal 1-8 season just two years previous, first year Coach Jeff Pearson had his Western Boone Stars carving up opponents and shattering records on their way to a magical 13-1 season that ended in storybook fashion on the turf of the Hoosier Dome.
By the third week in September, after pounding Lebanon 34-0, the Stars found themselves ranked ninth in 2A. Behind the strong quarterback play of David McClaine Western Boone was blasting opposing defenses with an explosive offense. McClaine’s name would ultimately be cemented in the record book with various Webo titles including most passing yards for a career (2450) and most touchdowns in a season (26). Pearson’s 1988 team also featured a 1,000 yard rusher in Travis Hollingsworth and a 1,000 yard receiver in Troy Martin.
In the second round of Sectional play the Stars ran into another offensive juggernaut in the Greencastle Tiger Cubs. In a thrilling game that saw 862 yards of total offense between the schools, the Stars came away with a 47-32 victory. On that night Air Webo gave way to a more traditional football attack as the two headed monster of Tim Weber and Travis Hollingsworth rushed for three touchdowns and nearly two hundred yards; each.
By the time they hit the Sectional Championship the Stars had rocketed their way to number four amongst 2A teams and the match up with ninth ranked Delphi was like a 60:00 advertisement for Pepto-Bismol as Webo escaped with a 14-6 win. And, just as the offense had carried Webo to that point, it was the defense that would ultimately carry them on. In preserving a 14-6 win, twice that evening the Oracles had first and goal possessions inside the 20 and twice the Stars stuffed them.
Surely nobody complained about the long car ride to Manchester College a week later as David McClaine and Troy Martin definitely made it a trip to remember by connecting on 5 touchdown passes en route to a 41-12 victory. Finally the Woodlan Warriors were all that stood between the Stars and a trip to the Hoosier Dome.
Ultimately the Stars locker room proved full of heroes that season as every game somebody new seemingly stepped forward. Fans may remember Kon Humphrey limping around on one good leg late in the game as the Warriors threatened to end Webo’s season. Despite a twisted ankle, Humphrey was able to drop the Woodlan Quarterback twice behind the line of scrimmage, thus punching the Star’s ticket to Indianapolis.
The Hoosier Dome, which still had that “new dome smell” at that point, served as the setting for the Stars championship match up with South Spencer. In another tight game, McClaine threw for 248 yards and a touchdown. The Quarterback would go on to win the Phil N. Eskew Mental Attitude Award and, more importantly, his team won state beating South Spencer 14-7.

Big Ten Rivalries Second to None

First appeared on October 15th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Some will be excited to know the Paul Bunyan Trophy will be up for grabs yet again come Saturday. A few weeks ago, with as much sophistication as one can expect, Michigan State spat a tar black glob of Beechnut in the eye of the Indiana Hoosiers while laying claim to the Old Brass Spittoon. Football rivalries and the hokey trophies that accompany them are nothing new and over the years Big Ten football teams have traded everything from Tomahawks and cannons to slabs of bacon, bronzed pigs and victory bells.
Upon further review, the stories behind these fabled trophies can be interesting and that’s where we come in, to provide your hokey Big Ten trophy fix. The oldest traded symbol of greatness in a single Big Ten football game is the Little Brown Jug. Most won’t remember Michigan bringing their high powered “Point a Minute” offense to Minnesota for a highly anticipated contest in 1903. Fearing a cavorting band of rabid Gopher fans might try sabotaging his team, Michigan’s coach sent a manager out to purchase a plain looking jug in which they could hide their water. After torrential rains arrived, a 6-6 tie ensued and the Wolverines fled for safety as the aforementioned rabid Gopher fans stormed the field. Unlike school children under the watch of George W. Bush, the Little Brown Jug was intentionally left behind and has been up for grabs since.
Aside from the Little Brown Jug, which is actually only half brown, Minnesota is part of some of the most interesting trophy swaps in the conference. The Gophers battle Wisconsin every year for Paul Bunyan’s Axe. The Axe had been playing second fiddle to a slab of wooden bacon the schools were trading until the fake bacon disappeared, only to resurface almost 50 years later (Yes, how bizarre indeed).
Perhaps the most interesting of all trophies in the Conference is Floyd of Rosedale. This bronze pig dates back to 1935 when the governors of Iowa and Minnesota first agreed upon their “Fred Ziffel Like” wager. An artist was actually commissioned to sculpt the live version of the original pig who, some might say remarkably, was actually the brother of another superstar swine who had co-starred alongside Will Rogers in the 1933 blockbuster hit State Fair.
Of course Hoosiers are no doubt most familiar with the Old Oaken Bucket. Believe it or not, the Bucket was actually the brainchild of a gathering of alums from both schools. Viewed as the ultimate symbol of Indiana’s rural traditions, the Bucket itself was rescued from the well of a southern Indiana farm in 1925. Legend has it the Old Oaken Bucket was actually used to carry water for Union troops during the Civil War. Unfortunately constraints placed upon us by the editors of this fine newspaper prevent our printing of the all time record of Oaken Bucket games here. However, what we can say is that the much ballyhooed bucket is currently in the possession of our beloved Hoosiers.
To commemorate their on field skirmishes, Illinois and Ohio State chose the path not taken. Though the schools settled on a creature revered for its longevity, hindsight tells us choosing a live trophy to swap was a bad idea. When the turtle they picked in 1925 died two seasons later, non-existent pressure from the yet to be formed PETA forced them to carve a wooden replica. Since that time 9 Illibucks have been handcrafted, each complete with the outcomes of every Illini-Buckeye football game painted on their shells.
Of course some rivalries are so bitter that trophies are meaningless. Michigan and Ohio State is perhaps the ugliest and most heated rivalry in all of college sports, let alone the Big Ten. With this in mind no trophy is necessary. And, while they are symbolically quaint, in truth the aforementioned game is a convenient truth that trophies don’t mean diddly in the long run. They are an antiquated symbol of someone’s short term success, that being said we might as well go ahead and keep the Bucket in Bloomington.

The Age of Prognostication is Upon Us

First appeared on October 8th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Evidently the age of prognostication is upon us. That’s right its time to blow the dust off those Tarot cards, Ouija boards and crystal balls so you too can start guessing what will happen next. Between the baseball playoffs and a new NFL season, predictions have been tossed about haphazardly by former players and sportswriters alike around the nation; throw in a presidential election and what you have is the perfect storm for predictionators (Ok, not a word, but we’re going to use it anyway).
Suddenly predictions are everywhere, or ubiquitous for those of you “daily word calendar people”. Some predictionators are obviously better than others and those who make the big time aren’t always the best. What has us flustered is the fact that there is no accountability in this whole prediction making scam.
As we trip down memory lane some might remember ESPN personality Tony Kornheiser, of PTI and Monday Night Football fame, incorrectly predicting Big Brown would win the Triple Crown. Evidently there is a recall on NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith’s crystal ball that he’s not aware of because it was obviously wrong when he looked into it and saw the Lakers winning a title last season.
Perhaps the gold standard for predictionators is former CBS college basketball analyst Billy Packer who, early in last year’s men’s tournament, theorized the poor free throw shooting of the Memphis Tigers would not hurt their chances of winning a title. When the Tigers went 1 for 5 from the foul line in the last 2 minutes of this years championship game and consequently lost to Kansas, believe us, nobody was happier to see Packer eat a healthy plate of crow with a side order of his own words.
Last week MSNBC analyst and radical mouthpiece for the liberal media Keith Olbermann incorrectly predicted that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s performance in the VP debate would all but swamp John McCain’s ship. Not to be outdone, both Ron Jaworksi and Chris Mortensen of ESPN put their intricate knowledge of the NFL on display this week by choosing the Houston Texans to beat a 1-2 Indianapolis team that was already backed in a corner and licking their wounds. Nice call boys.
It all has us wondering just what it takes to be a predictionator. Is it remotely possible that we are qualified? Nobody can know for sure, so we might as well try. We predict that on January 20th George W. Bush will be evicted from the White House. We predict that sales of IPOD’s will continue to outperform those of 8 Track players for the foreseeable future. We predict that the mullet will never make a comeback (That prediction applies only to those living north of U.S. 40 of course). We believe Antarctica’s Ross Ice Shelf will replace Hawaii as the “it” destination for honeymooners before Rosie and the gals at The View ever patch things up. We also predict Bill Gates will die with more money than us.
Of course some will remember that earlier in the year we chose the Cubs to win it all in 2008. We will pause now as the laughing subsides. In retrospect this was an obvious mistake that was made with our heart and not our head. What makes it less of an obvious mistake in our eyes however was ESPN baseball guru Tim Kurkjian making the same prediction before the playoffs began. Kurkjian will be in the Hall of Fame someday and that has to mean something; though we’re not sure what exactly. So for now it’s a premature fare thee well Predictionators-enjoy the age of prognostication while it lasts for this too shall pass; or so we predict.

There's No Place Like Dome

First appeared on October 1st, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

A penny for the thoughts of those dignitaries gathered for the deflation of the Hoosier Dome last week. In a moment of extreme peculiarity, former Indianapolis Mayor Bill Hudnut emphatically commanded the fans supporting the dome’s dome to be shut down as if what was to follow would be a thrilling sight. What we saw instead was an anti-climactic moment best compared to watching the instant replay of a three toed sloth running the 100 yard dash; in slow motion. It literally took the dome’s roof hours to deflate.
In building the Luke Indianapolis got it right, in deflating the dome they didn’t. She deserved more. If they had put us in charge of bringing the world’s largest swim cap down, we’d of sent her out in style. Imagine a trio of A-10 Tank Killers coming in from Grissom Air Force Base to bomb that concrete cereal bowl back to the Stone Age. At the very least we would have asked those Big Bang scientists in Switzerland (since they are evidently bent on flirting with the end of the world anyway) to trigger an explosion that would alter the course of the Earth just enough to send an asteroid the size of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan careening into the Dome.
Alas the death of the Dome is upon us. After four Final Fours, countless state finals in both high school athletics and marching band competitions, 1 NBA All Star game, and professional football memories that run the gamut from fans chanting “Lord Help our Colts” with grocery sacks on their heads to the interception that sent those same laughable losers to the Super Bowl, the Dome has seen it all. Where else could Rowdy Roddy Piper, auto mechanics dressed in star wars garb, car flattening monster trucks, rodeo clowns, the Rolling Stones and the sight of Bobby Knight and Gene Keady thumbing their noses in unison at the Big Ten by agreeing to an unscheduled game come together outside of one long, strange and admittedly complicated dream?
We’re talking about the Hoosier Dome. She was supposed to last forever. An awe-inspiring architectural achievement on the same level as the Sydney Opera House or Notre Dame- a testament to longevity, not unlike the pyramids of Giza, John McCain or China’s Great Wall; OK so maybe not. But it was still cool.
One of the clearest memories we have of the Dome is Damon Bailey and Bedford North Lawrence High School winning state in front of a record crowd of 40,000 plus fans (rest in peace single class basketball). Some may remember, upon her dedication, the first event was a football game between the Boilermakers of Purdue and Notre Dame. Purdue fans will surely recall that 1984 game because, as far as we know, it marks the last time they beat the Irish.
In that same year 67,000 Hoosiers saw an Olympic exhibition featuring Indiana legends Steve Alford and Larry Bird playing in a game coached by Bobby Knight. Hoosiers everywhere suffered a collective punch in the gut as, just like Prince, the Dome experienced an identity crisis in the 90’s when RCA purchased the naming rights to their beloved Hoosier Dome. Reportedly the lucrative deal included two hundred dollars and 11,000 Betamax VCR’s and, in retrospect, who really could have turned that down?
Now with the roof gone Indy suddenly finds itself home to the world’s largest concrete planter and fans are left with no choice but to turn the page. We are told the Luke is bigger, better, more expensive and has twice as many urinals, but a part of us will always long for the refreshing, albeit artificial, breeze of the Hoosier Dome. In the words of someone else there is, and always will be, no place like Dome.

The Death of Baseball

First appeared on September 24th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

History was made at Tropicana Field Friday night when instant replay was used to overturn an umpire’s call. Initially a ball hit by Ray’s first baseman Carlos Pena was ruled a ground rule double. Upon further review however it was decided the ball was actually a homerun. Though the play eventually proved meaningless to the outcome of the game, it did mark the first time technology was used to overrule an umpire.
What isn’t meaningless is the change commissioner Bud Selig is bringing to America’s favorite pastime. On August 28th the czar of baseball gave the go ahead for the use of instant replay on home run calls. Claiming the move was “in the sports best interest” Selig has unwittingly pulled the plug on a sport that had previously been recovering nicely from a steroid-era induced coma.
This is not the first time we have seen Selig in his laboratory tinkering away like a mad scientist. For trying to link the outcome of the Major League All Star game with the playoffs, none here will argue Selig’s epitaph should read “This Time it Counts” when his time comes. Allowing instant replay is just another in a long line of cackhanded Selig decisions and we are of the opinion that what is actually “in the sports best interest” is to let baseball be baseball.
For well over 100 years now baseball has been the one constant in American culture that has stood unchanged. As so many fashions and fads came and went there was baseball. As silent films gave way to those with sound and war flicks heeded to westerns, there was baseball. Through the ugliness of war, national tragedy and presidential scandal baseball has always marched on with its head held high.
Baseball was the last bastion of tradition in American culture. The game is still played today as it was a hundred years ago. It is a unique world where a Saturday spent in Wrigley in the 1940’s was absolutely no different than a Saturday spent there last weekend. Now all of that seems destined to change.
We contend human error is a critical aspect of sport. Be it player or umpire, one of the intriguing elements of any game is its unpredictability. Instant replay changes all of that. And yet perhaps instant replay is merely a microcosm of modern society, a symbol of the way the youth of America are taught to view life today. Don’t worry about getting things right the first time, we’ll give you another chance. Of course it goes without saying that pondering such concepts is FAR too deep for us.
More to the point, the umpire was always the guy you could curse when things didn’t go your way, a convenient excuse for a team that just wasn’t good enough. Now, between instant replay and ESPN’s K-Zone (a computer that accurately targets balls and strikes), why do we need these guys at all?
Perhaps baseball in 2080 will feature some faceless voice from the press box bellowing out every call as if the umpire were God himself (of course Cubs fans know if this were actually the case, we would never lose). The one sport that had weathered the temptation of fashionable rule changes has now unfortunately succumbed to the incessant pressures of the information age.
Umpires are a real part of the game. Someone needs to tell Bud Selig that there are things in life that were never meant to be changed, like the Twinkie or Michael Jackson’s nose. While the rule change is technically temporary, we are still of the belief that Selig is erasing the human element from the game and, in doing so, carelessly gashing the sport we love through the heart.

Beware the Goat

First appeared on September 17th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Rain had interrupted game 4 of the 1945 World Series and fans in Chicago, mostly men decked out in dark jackets and ties, were cursing their luck. When the clouds parted, the sun was greeted with an ovation of derbys and split straw hats being waved in the air. The umpire gave the call to resume play and the Detroit Tigers and Chicago Cubs took the field. From his private box Cubs owner Phillip Knight Wrigley was excited to see his team resume their chase of a title that had eluded them for an incomprehensible 37 long years.
Then it happened. A moment that would alter the history of an entire franchise for the next 60 plus years. Phillip Knight Wrigley got a whiff of Billy Sianis’s goat. The wet fur of Murphy the goat was emitting such a fowl and vile stench that the owner became so completely disgusted that he demanded it be removed immediately. Sianis claimed he had paid for two seven dollar seats; one for himself and one Murphy. Wrigley would hear none of the man’s argument and had security escort Sianis and his pet Bovidae out of the stadium.
While most rational thinking humans would most likely have challenged the civil rights of their livestock in court, Sianis chose instead to place a curse on the Cubs by swearing the World Series would never return to Wrigley Field. That was 63 years ago come October. The Cubs surrendered that title to the Tigers in seven games and the series has never returned to Wrigley.
Well here we go again. September is here and the Cubs are teasing us once more. After leading the central division for most of the season, the Cubs have suddenly noticed a strong whiff of the stale beer breath of the Milwaukee Brewers breathing down their necks. After losing 6 of 10 games so far this month, Chicago has put themselves in the perfect position to break our hearts once more.
The champagne has been iced as Cubs fans everywhere begin preparing themselves for that inevitable moment in which a toast to next year, in the absence of a pennant, is the only thing left to raise. The only thought that worries a true Cubs fan more than a lead in September is one of Steve Bartman throwing out the first pitch on opening day.
The buzz and excitement of July and August has suddenly dwindled to a stifled murmur. This is most likely because Cubs fans know disaster looms on the horizon. Fans have reached this same conclusion for 63 straight years now because it is widely accepted, in case you live under a rock, have just moved to the planet Earth or are a Cardinals fan that the curse of the goat continues to haunt the Cubs. There is no scientific terminology for the fear of goats, but every true Cubs fan battles it.
While the Cubs have tried everything to rid themselves of the Curse, none of it matters much to Murphy. Apparently he doesn’t read the sports pages. Instead all he remembers is his odiferous eviction from a rainy Wrigley Field. And every Bleacher Bum since has paid for that fateful decision 63 years ago. So here we go again Cubs fans, or those who love to laugh at them, our team is charging their way towards the playoffs once more. And as the finish line becomes visible after a brutal 162 game schedule, the only question left to answer is can this bunch actually bring home their first pennant since 1945?
Of course as fans all we can do is wait to see if, or when, Murphy will rear his ugly (er stinky?) head. For if the Cubs bungle the opportunity they have this year as they have so many before the only question remaining will be, in the immortal words quipped by Murphy’s owner Billy Sianis following the 1945 World Series loss, “Who stinks now?”

College Football is Back

First appeared on September 10th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

For the longest time finding a diehard college football fan in the state of Indiana was a lot like finding a needle in a haystack or a healthy hot dog. Sure there has always been Notre Dame with their high falutin’ peacock contract, but many outside the state don’t even realize the school is actually located in Indiana. This season may be different however. According to a small group of nationally unrecognized and highly unqualified health experts whose names will be really difficult to find should you attempt doing so, College Football Fever may be on the brink of exploding into an all out epidemic statewide this fall.
Be on the lookout. One telltale sign the fever has struck is the sight of an increased number of persons consuming mass quantities of liquefied barley in gatherings around the tailgate of a pick up truck. Symptoms include an enlarged belly, painted face, hoarse voice and severe headache (occurring most generally on Sunday mornings). If the fever hits hard this year we may see record numbers of Hoosiers bowling in January as there are four quarterbacks who should bring national recognition to teams in the state.
Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen battled injuries last year and still managed to start more games as a freshman than any other Irish player in history. He also became the only true sophomore named to the O’Brien Award watch list. Given the fact the Irish schedule has been completely overhauled and the “powers that be” love to see the Golden Domers bowling, Notre Dame should be able to mount some sense of a bowl effort if Clausen can remain healthy and consistent.
Purdue senior Curtis Painter is the only one of the four quarterbacks who was born and bred in Indiana. A pure pocket passer, Painter is 2nd all time in completion percentage at Purdue and 4th overall in total passing yards with over 8700. Featured on the Manning Award watch list for most of last year, Painter has taken Purdue to two straight bowl appearances. That streak could be in jeopardy this year however as the Boilers will have to face Oregon as well as perennial Big Ten powers Ohio State and Penn State.
Indiana became the feel good story of college football last season when Austin Starr kicked the Hoosiers past Purdue and into their first bowl appearance in 14 years. The electric play of quarterback Kellen Lewis was one of the biggest reasons for the bowl bid. Coming into his junior season Lewis is already tied for the most touchdown passes in team history. A former member of the Big Ten All Freshman team, Lewis is 2nd in completion percentage all time and was named to ESPN’s first team All Big Ten last season. Though they will not face Ohio State, the scheduling gods are not completely smiling on the Hoosiers this season as they will have to face Big Ten powers Illinois, Penn State and Wisconsin.
Last but certainly not worst is Ball State’s Nate Davis. Somewhat of a hybrid, the junior quarterback can do damage outside the pocket but loves putting the ball up more. After two games this season Davis is already ranked in the top 10 nationally in passing yards. He is 3rd all time in yardage at BSU and already has the career mark for touchdowns with 48.
Ball State went bowling in Canada last year and they may be the safest bet of the four to do it again. Gone from their schedule are games against the likes of Nebraska and Michigan and, in what should be an entertaining match up, the Cards will play Indiana on September 20th. It is no stretch to believe the bowl hopes for both schools could be at stake on that one Saturday afternoon. Catch the fever and get out to see one of these teams play soon.

Manning's Absence is out of the Ordinary

First appeared on September 3rd, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

We couldn’t help but notice the fact that when Peyton Manning underwent surgery on his left knee in early July he seemingly disappeared. Fans and media alike found it curious when the former two time league MVP wasn’t around as the Colts entered training camp. At stake of course is Manning’s 160 consecutive games started streak (most among active NFL quarterbacks) and, oh yeah, the Colts chances of winning any games at all this season.
When August turned on the calendar and Manning was yet to surface, Colts fans became nervous. We don’t mean cat on a hot tin roof nervous either. We mean the low level aide who drew the short straw and had to break the news to Hitler that the Allied invasion of Normandy had been a success kind of nervous. We mean a turtle trying to cross the Autobahn kind of nervous.
For a month the most visible person in the sports world had suddenly became the most invisible. In the weeks and months following September 11th George W. Bush was keeping Vice President Dick Cheney in an “undisclosed location” in the interest of national security. Perhaps, when it came to hiding his quarterback’s whereabouts, Colts coach Tony Dungy was simply borrowing a page from W’s playbook (yes, we’re cringing too).
Maybe it’s just overexposure. Maybe we are so used to seeing Manning’s face on everything from city busses and television commercials to cans of soda and urinal cakes (available in the New England area only) that when we don’t see it for a week or two we start going through withdrawal.
The fact that Manning showed at practice in late August doesn’t mean the Colts troubles are over. After becoming the first NFL team to win more than 12 games in five straight seasons, Indianapolis has become the model of consistency in professional football. This season might prove different however as the Colts we all know and love have suddenly become somewhat of an enigma.
The health of defensive end Dwight Freeney’s foot is a mystery. There is no guarantee his blinding speed will return after his November Lisfranc surgery.
Future Hall of Famer Marvin Harrison’s physical health coupled with the unsuspected Pacer-like gift he gave Colts fans during the off-season are both riddles we are yet to solve as well.
Make no mistake about it Harrison and Freeney are vital to the Colts success; not unlike that one weird guy who paints his entire body blue on gamedays (If that happens to be you, we mean weird in the best possible way).
Confounding matters for Indianapolis is the fact that heading into the season their offensive line is missing more pieces than a garage sale jigsaw puzzle. As Guard Ryan Lilja is recovering from off season knee surgery All-Pro center Jeff Saturday is limping his way to the injured list. All this hopping around ultimately means an unproven rookie might be charged with the responsibility of protecting Manning and his one good knee when the season opens.
But alas, the Colts are more than wins and losses, a new stadium and an unwelcomed restaurant tax. To borrow a line from former Mayor Bart Peterson, Peyton and the Colts “bring Hoosiers together”. They put neighbors on a common ground that is sometimes difficult to find without the familiar buzz of Bob Lamey’s voice ringing in our ears. What Irsay, Polian, and Dungy have built in Indianapolis is something special. Enjoy them now. They are a beast the likes of which we may not see again soon. With this in mind, Colts fans should relish all the Mondays they have left on which to discuss the Sundays that Manning took snaps from Saturday.

Farewell Beijing

First appeared on August 27th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

The games of the 29th Olympiad came to an end Sunday with a truly remarkable closing ceremony. Before the Olympics even began we were of the opinion that China was not a worthwhile host given their disgusting record in the arena of human rights. While our opinion of the Chinese government remains unchanged, we were captivated by everything the Beijing games brought us.
Simply put these games were spectacular. In every phase and fashion Beijing left us wanting more. Between transportation, security and event scheduling the Olympics are no doubt a logistical nightmare for host nations and yet the Chinese pulled everything off so marvelously.
It is estimated China shelled out 40 billion dollars to put on the summer games. And from the opening and closing ceremonies to competitions amongst athletes inside state of the art facilities, it appears to be money well spent. In fact Beijing’s version of the Olympics may do more to resurrect the stature of the games than anything we have seen in the last 20 years.
With the exception of a few protests and one journalist being detained, the summer games were not marred by the ugliness of any international incidents- though the potential for it was obviously great. This is either a credit to the effectiveness of the authoritarian regime that rules China or perhaps we are beginning to see glimpses of a new era of tolerance from the Communist party.
China has long been a mystery for those in the west given how painstakingly choreographed and limited the flow of information to the outside world is. The media control is so tight at times that if a guy was writing this in Beijing chances are some government goons would have already kicked down his door and tossed his laptop in front of a speeding rickshaw by now. What these games have revealed however is that the Chinese are actually part of a vibrant society living inside an exciting and beautiful country.
Early on Michael Phelps looked to be the only story in town but by Friday night it was clear these games had produced so many dramatic moments that they would live on in history forever. Jamaica’s Usain Bolt dominated the sprints, winning one race by more than a car length. And by “car” here we mean stretch limo or 11 Smart cars for our environmentally friendly readers. Despite running up against the best China’s pre-school gymnastics program had to offer, Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin both managed to win gold medals as well.
And, outside of Al Gore’s claim he invented the Olympics, perhaps the high point of the games for Americans came when the USA Men’s basketball team, millionaires who are larger than life to some, all hung their medals around the neck of head coach Mike Krzyzewski in a show of solidarity. Seeing those superstars caped with U.S. flags and jumping around like giddy schoolboys is enough to make even the crustiest and cynical of Americans well up. Rumor has it Michael Moore even asked to borrow Sean Penn’s hankie when he saw it.
While there were the expected controversies, the drama did not begin to approach the spectacular level of competition and overall showmanship of Beijing’s Olympic effort.
Now the world is curious to see where China goes from here. Though they are the most populous nation on Earth and home to one of the fastest growing economies, we still view these games as their coming out party. For so long now many have overlooked the sleeping giant and future superpower that is China. If you doubted the Chinese before, don’t make the same mistake twice.

Phelps is great, but so was Spitz

First appeared on August 20th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Simply put-Michael Phelps can’t be human. We’ve decided it’s more likely he is half man, half horse and half fish; if it’s even possible to have that many halves. The majority of his races haven’t even been close. There have been stretches where he has looked more like a pace car than an actual competitor. He has been the top story of these Olympics since the opening night and rumor has it when the games are over Michael Phelps is going to swim home.
The world slid to the edge of their seats Saturday night as he zeroed in on one of those few remaining records so many believed would never be broken; seven gold medals in a single Olympics. In 1972 Mark Spitz won seven gold medals at the Munich summer games swimming for team USA. Now, in breaking the record, Phelps has somehow made achieving the impossible appear ordinary. He is a 12,000 calorie a day water rocket (we don’t know what that is, but it sounds fast) that has taken Beijing by storm. Yet as he shattered that which so many believed indestructible there was one notable figure missing from the stands of Beijing’s water cube.
Inexplicably Mark Spitz was not invited to attend the Olympics in Beijing. One might think that, given it was so widely predicted Phelps would break Spitz’s record, the U.S. Olympic Committee might have extended the guy a personal invitation to witness history.
It seems only fitting that there be some sort of controversy surrounding Mark Spitz. It has shadowed him for most of his life. His first widely publicized taste came in the 1968 games in Mexico City where he brashly predicted he would win 6 gold medals only to leave with 2. From 1968-72 he trained at Indiana University where he earned both a bachelors degree and the nickname “Mark the Shark” after amassing 8 NCAA titles. But all this came at the expense of some who dismissed him as aloof.
In 1972 Spitz dominated the Munich summer games amidst a whirlwind of controversy. For starters he spit in the eye of conventionality by swimming with a mustache that would have made even Magnum P.I. jealous. After winning 6 gold medals and setting 6 world records, Spitz also drew the ire of some when he contemplated sitting out his last race for fear of jeopardizing his perfect record. At the last moment he raced and won; setting yet another world record.
Spitz’s participation in the German backed games was also controversial because of his Jewish faith. Beyond the lingering animosity of the anti-Semitic Hitler regime, the hostage standoff involving members of Israel’s Olympic team only complicated matters. As a Jewish athlete who had dominated the games, the West Germans feared for his safety and didn’t allow him to hang around for the closing ceremonies; he was assigned a special security detail and hustled back to the states.
After his Olympic days were over, many involved with USA swimming hoped Spitz would become an ambassador for the sport. Instead he answered the call of Hollywood, cashing in on lucrative endorsements and cameo parts. He was Peyton Manning before Peyton Manning was Peyton Manning.
The man who held 26 world records, was named one of the five greatest athletes of the century by the International Olympic Committee and was also the only swimmer to crack ESPN”s list of the 50 greatest athletes of all time was not present to see his own record being broken. Say what you want about the guy, Mark Spitz should have been there.

Rest in peace Brett Favre story

First appeared on August 13th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

We are gathered here to say, “Rest in peace annoying Brett Favre story that seemed as if it would never go away. May you find greener pastures and plenty of open receivers in the Meadowlands. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the Packers owners surely hope Aaron Rogers won’t be a bust.” The story that captivated the sports world has finally ended with the legendary quarterback’s trade from Green Bay to New York.
The Packers powers that be have seemingly put all their eggs in the basket of a young, yet to be proven back up quarterback named Aaron Rogers. The man who has thrown the most touchdown passes in NFL history will, fittingly, be replaced by a man who has tossed only one.
Although the media from Kenosha to Kathmandu have already talked the story to death this is the greatest train wreck in professional sports history and, try as we may, we can’t resist the temptation to pile on. Our frustration can be summarized in five words: What was Green Bay thinking? Why would they not want one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history and the man who resurrected their franchise back?
ESPN reported recently that during the height of the standoff, Packers GM Ted Thompson and head coach Mike McCarthy were greeted with a standing ovation during a Packers shareholders meeting. Now far be it from me to question the intelligence of a fan base who wear wheels of cheese on their heads and hunter orange sweatshirts to cheer their team on, but-what were Green Bay fans thinking?
Brett Favre had you one play away from the Super Bowl and finished second in league MVP voting; how could you not demand management bring him back? At the very least, how do you not let him come back to compete for the starting job? If he isn’t good enough he’ll get the message when you hand him a clipboard and ask him to keep stats for Aaron Rogers.
When it became painfully clear to everyone but Brett Favre and his agent that the Packers didn’t want him back, we found ourselves imagining how an interview with a prospective coach might go when the gun slinging hall of famer suddenly found himself tossed to the curb as if he were a nothing but an assistant equipment manager who had died all the road jerseys pink.
Prospective head coach: “So Mr. Favvv-ree…do you have any experience playing quarterback?”
Favre: “Well I have completed over 5,000 passes for 61,000 yards and 442 touchdowns, all of which are NFL records. I’m also the only 3 time MVP in NFL history too- so yeah, I’d like to think I know what I’m doing.”
So now as Favre rides gingerly into the fading sunset of consequentiality that is the Meadowlands and the Jets organization, we are all left to ponder if there isn’t another story to be found somewhere in all this. Surely there is something we don’t know buried underneath this fiasco. There must be a reason it was bungled so badly by the Packers talking heads. Someday the real story will come out, until then- we wish Aaron Rogers the best, whether he is celebrating his teams Super Bowl championship this time next year or bagging groceries at the Pick N’ Save in Sheboygan. Still we just can’t help but wonder- what was Green Bay thinking?

Gold not certain for USA

First appeared on August 6th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Some will remember days when there were three constants in life: death, taxes and the U.S. Men’s Olympic Basketball Team winning gold. While death and taxes look to be unfortunate facts of life for the foreseeable future, the U.S. winning gold is not. When a rule change in 1989 allowed professional athletes to participate in the Olympics, the U.S. began a run of total basketball domination. And we mean unquestionable domination, not unlike a 40 year old playing dodgeball against second graders.
Domination isn’t a strong enough term for the original Dream Team of 1992. Those guys obliterated everyone, imagine 40 year olds playing dodgeball against second graders in wheelchairs. With a roster that included Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, Team USA posted an average margin of victory of over 40 points. Perhaps even more ridiculous, head coach Chuck Daly never used a time out during his team’s entire gold medal run. The world stood absolutely no chance back then. Look in your rearview mirror America, the world has caught up. See bronze medal in the 2004 Athens games for proof.
Let us be the first to say, there truly are no guarantees in life (does mission accomplished ring a bell?). While many experts are predicting total U.S. domination on the hardwood in Beijing this summer, we believe the U.S. winning gold is not a lock. It is highly probable, but not a guarantee.
It’s not a lock because this team will have to play defense, which many on the roster are accustomed to doing little of; or none at all unless it’s the fourth quarter of a playoff game. Team USA’s defense has already proven vulnerable in the past when facing the European teams that move so well without the ball.
Secondly superstars like Kobe and LeBron will not get bailed out every time they go to the hole by the bogus NBA calls they have made their fortunes on. These games will be officiated by international referees and, unfortunately for us, they are men Tim Donaghy doesn’t have on speed dial. The lack of bail out calls will ultimately translate into players settling for 15-20 foot jump shots. And, like playing defense effectively, making these shots is something we are not convinced anyone on Team USA will be able to do with regularity either.
The largest difference between the Dream Team of 1992 and those we have seen since is experience. Every player on the original Dream Team had substantial college experience and, consequently, a high skill set and knowledge.
Fast forward 16 years and we see a roster full of fantastic athletes with less than fantastic skills. We are of the opinion that ESPN has helped usher in an era of highlight reel players that are exciting to watch, but whose lack of experience (skipping college) and skills are ultimately ruining the NBA product.
As a general rule, foreign born players learn the nuances of the team game and work hard at honing their individual skills. This enables them to compete with the upscale Americans. If you look at the rosters of those NBA teams that have experienced the most success over the last 5-10 years you will find numerous foreign born players.
From NBC’s perspective we understand that a Team USA on the ropes makes better drama than the Dream Team pounding Angola to a lifeless 116-48 pulp, but we still long for the days of Charles Barkley stiff arming a 95 pound Chinese power forward to the ground. The quest for gold starts when Team U.S.A. begins pool play on August 10th against the host country China.

The State of Indiana

First appeared on July 30th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

When basketball coach Tom Crean took the job at Indiana University, one has to wonder what his initial reaction was upon seeing his roster. In the wake of Kelvin Sampson’s blatant disregard for NCAA rules, Indiana has seen coaches fired, players transfer, recruits asking to be released from letters of intent and a total of three scholarships lost (at press time the future of the other 38,000 students on the IU campus remained unclear).
All of this combined has left Crean with one returning player. While his roster is reminiscent of the Ukrainian countryside after the Chernobyl meltdown, Crean remains upbeat. Despite toxic streams choked with glow in the dark fish and poisoned cows giving birth to calves with more eyes than legs, Crean insists he is in a good place.
On February 22nd Indiana agreed to a buyout of former head coach Kelvin Sampson for $750,000. In exchange, Sampson promised to hand over his cell phone, hop the first bus out of Bloomington and, oh yeah, to not sue the pants off the University. Knowing full well he had enough information to prove Sampson had been reckless and dishonest, one can only imagine how shaky President Michael McRobbie’s hand must have been while signing his John McHancock on Sampson’s check.
In late June the NCAA ruled that Indiana was negligent in supervising Sampson, charging the University with “failure to monitor”. This translates to mean the Athletic Department did not follow NCAA guidelines for compliance. Which of course translates to mean they didn’t follow the rules very well (like not at all). These latest findings were likely a major factor in AD Rick Greenspan’s decision to step down come December (that coupled with his skyrocketing unpopularity).
The head scratcher in all of this is the legal trouble Indiana finds itself in. The University has a very well respected law school after all. One that has been in operation for over 150 years and boasts alums working in all 50 states; including one justice on the Indiana Supreme Court.
Greenspan and the athletic department had one of the largest groups of law professors in the state at their disposal and yet they still apparently failed to decipher the NCAA legalese properly when it came to monitoring Sampson and his staff. Maddening.
Surely there are some attorneys out there who would have been willing to come to the defense of their alma mater by taking on Sampson. With this in mind, why would Indiana fear the proposition of flat out firing him? Why buy a guy out when some of the brightest attorneys in the nation cut their teeth in B-Town?
With the reputation of an entire University swirling at the bottom of the bowl, I’m certain Indiana could have easily found a former graduate willing to tackle the case (most likely pro-bono to boot), just to be sure someone plunged the tradition and good name of Indiana University from the depths of despair.
To put this into perspective, IU experiencing legal trouble is a lot like someone from Purdue’s Aeronautical Engineering School struggling to get a kite off the ground. It’s a mess. No, it’s more than a mess. It’s a disaster. In the world of sports it’s a disaster of biblical proportions. What happened to “We will fight for the glory of old IU”? If there was ever a time when the glory of old IU was in jeopardy, and worth fighting for, it‘s definitely now.

The Hoosier Gunslinger

First appeared on July 23rd, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Al Michaels had the call as Cleveland Indian reliever Doug Jones strode across the lime green Astroturf to take the mound under the bright lights of Riverfront Stadium. In front of a frenzied crowd of 55,000 screaming fans, American League Manager Tom Kelley handed the ball to Jones. The skipper was placing full trust in the young pitcher and his deceptive two seam fastball. Jones came through for the stars of the Junior Circuit, striking one batter out in 2/3 of an inning. His performance helped the American League earn a 2-1 victory in the 59th annual midsummer classic.
To be honest the only thing I remember about that particular evening is that it was the first time I had ever even heard of game MVP Terry Steinbach. However this past July 12th did mark the 20th anniversary of that first major league All Star appearance for Indians Pitcher and Lebanon native Doug Jones.
Drafted out of Butler by the Brewers in the third round of the 1978 draft, Jones made his Major League debut in April of 1982 with Milwaukee. Even the most diehard Brewers fan, you know the one who dresses up like Bernie Brewer for Halloween and has a lifetime subscription to beer illustrated, could not have predicted the type of career the right hander from small town Indiana would have.
After logging a solid and productive16 seasons in the majors Jones stands 20th all time in saves with 303. For me personally, he will most likely forever be associated with the Houston Astros teams I loved to hate. Looking back, my hatred/jealousy was most likely a combination of one part Jones was a great closer who always seemed to be slamming the door on my beloved Cubs and two parts the Astros were often having the type of success Chicago was not.
Closers have to be confident and intimidating as theirs is often a position filled with “meet me in the street at high-noon” type pressure. To Jones’ credit, his ability coupled with a six foot plus frame and Wyatt Earp-like stache helped him fill the role of Texas gunslinger well and during his time in the majors he dueled down a wide array of tremendous players. A formidable list that includes everyone from Hall of Famers Reggie Jackson, Cal Ripken, George Brett, Ryne Sanberg and Tony Gwynn to future Hall of Famers Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez.
In a career that saw time spent with 7 different teams, Jones averaged 24 saves per season and retired with over 900 strike outs. Perhaps the high-water mark of his career came in 1990 when he saved a personal best 43 games for Cleveland. That season Jones made his 3rd of 5 All Star appearances and finished 15th in the balloting for the American League Most Valuable Player. For those unfamiliar with MVP balloting, it is quite impressive for a reliever to receive such consideration.
Jones pitched his final game in September of 2000 for the Oakland Athletics. After a successful career in Major League Baseball, Doug Jones is a name that is slowly fading from the Lebanon community lexicon. However he does stand as yet another example of the rich athletic heritage garnered by the Friendly City. A heritage of proud accomplishments this community should never hesitate to celebrate. For more information, Jones’ doting father can be found hanging around Memorial Park cheering on the Lebanon Merchants most Thursday nights during the summer. He’ll be the one sporting the Indians cap.

This is the Year

First appeared on June 5th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Good news Cubs fans, this is the year. No more will you be forced to utter “Wait till next year.” This is the year that 100 years of suffering and sorrow come to an end. This is the year that the proverbial monkey on the back of one of professional sports most storied franchises is granted a permanent vacation. Riding a 9 game winning streak, the Cubs are in first place in the National League Central and currently have the best record in baseball. No, you don’t need to read that again, the Cubs really do have the best record in baseball.
While in years past the Cubs have found themselves in similar positions, never before have we seen this level of dominance from the northsiders. Coming into the week Chicago led major league baseball in runs scored, they were also first in hits and first in runs batted in. They have the highest on base percentage in baseball as well as the highest team batting average and their slugging percentage ranked second overall. Getting dizzy yet?
Offense can only get a team so far you may be thinking and most retired players turned color analysts/prognosticators/experts will present the plausible argument that to do well in October a team must have solid pitching. With this in mind, the Cubs pitching staff has the most wins in baseball, the team is third in saves and fifth in strike outs.
Statistics aside, it has just been one of those years so far. One of those years where everything the Cubs touch seems to be turning to gold. Take the signing of a little known Japanese all-star in the off season for example. Kosuke Fukodome has been a pleasant surprise, leading the team in walks while also stealing the second most bases. His performance has ushered in Fukudome mania which has the bleacher bums at Wrigley affectionately wearing headbands that have opposing outfielders questioning if they have wandered into a Japanese dojo instead of the Friendly Confines. The Cubs also moved Kerry Wood to the bullpen. The end result of this is that the once formidable flame-throwing starter has found new life, leading the team in saves with 15 while striking out 34 batters in just 31 innings. When it became evident the Cubs needed a left handed bat with some power they resorted to pulling a centerfielder off the waiver wire, MLB’s scrap heap of discarded players. Even this gamble seems to have panned out for Chicago as, over the weekend, former Cardinal Jim Edmonds was stellar in the Cubs homestand versus the Rockies.
I realize it is only June and yes, I realize that there over 100 games left to be played. Cubs fans, and baseball fans in general for that matter, realize that 100 games is plenty of time for a historic collapse. And history has told us that if any franchise is capable of such a collapse it would be the bedraggled Cubs.
It has been 100 years since Chicago last won a World Series title and the last time they managed to make an appearance in the fall classic was the year the big one ended (1945). Their last appearance also marked the infamous curse of the goat. This purported hex has supposedly haunted the franchise since 1945, preventing them from winning in the post season. The good news for Cubs fans is that the warranty life for goat curses happens to be a convenient 63 years, this means the Cubs should be able to focus on baseball and shelve their voodoo dolls and incense sticks come October. But alas, if by chance all does not end well this season, Cubs fans can rest safe in the knowledge that there’s always next year.

The Greatest Athelte Ever?

First appeared on July 16th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

The debate over the greatest athlete ever is as old as sports itself. It seems the same names surface anytime the topic arises. Michael Jordan, Jesse Owens, Bo Jackson, Jim Brown- no surprises here. But one name is noticeably missing most days. A superstar from the unglamorous world of such obscurely spectacular sports as competitive eating and whatever you call it when those crazy guys fish for catfish barehanded.
Billed as the “World Record Maker”, Jim “the Mouth” Purol holds 23 different titles. Infamous for testing the limits of human strength and athletic ability, perhaps Purol’s most admirable achievement is in the arena of long distance crawling (25 miles). No doubt Momma Purol dotes on her boy Jimmy for smoking the most cigarettes simultaneously (159). “The Mouth” also once put 280 straws, 18 hot dogs and 180 McDonalds French fries into his pie hole at one time too, though I’m guessing each were on separate occasions.
Just last week Purol was at it again in southern California’s famed Rose Bowl when he broke the Guinness Record for “Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours” with 39,250. Sporting a Chinese coolie hat and blue jeans reinforced with what one can only assume were several pairs of Depends undergarments, Purol and an assistant painstakingly inchwormed their way around the stadium one seat at a time until they had hit all 92,542 in a blindingly quick five days.
Purol’s Rose Bowl feat is not his first foray into what is described best as musical chairs on steroids. In the 80’s he parked it in every one of Michigan Stadium’s 101,701 seats ruining a total of four pairs of Levis. Suggesting Rough Riders over the Levis now I’m sure is just useless hindsight.
When it comes to ridiculous accomplishments however it seems the English are the gold standard. The fastest piece of furniture (a 90 mph sofa), heaviest car balanced on a human head (352 pounds), largest gathering of persons in Gorilla costumes (687), fastest circumnavigation of Earth by bicycle (194 days), largest sausage ever made (41,000 pounds) and the fastest turkey ever plucked (1 minute and 20 seconds) are all records owned by the English.
As the English dominate the world of obscure sports with style, American competitors like Purol are sitting, smoking and eating their way into the record books in typical American fashion. This is probably the reason why we are the heaviest nation on Earth. Technically speaking China should weigh more since they outnumber us almost 4 to 1, but the sad reality is that as a nation we’ve evidently had one too many McDonalds extra value meals in our day. Supersized, please.
While Purol’s place in the debate of “greatest athlete in history” is most definitely nonexistent, his generosity isn’t. Every time he attempts to shatter another dubious record he does so by raising money for a good cause. In fact Purol once raised over $30,000 for charity by driving 500 miles in reverse. No matter how obscure and inconsequential his accomplishments may seem to fans of legitimate sports, it’s hard to mock a guy who’s trying to make a difference.
As far as the knucklehead who owns the fastest 100 meter dash barefoot across ice (17 seconds) or the odd man who boasts the largest airplane sick bag collection (5,180), well feel free to insert your joke here or, better still since they’re both Europeans, dedicate yourself now to besting their records. USA! USA! You can check out Jim Purol at the URL below.
http://jimmouth.com/tv04_body.html

It's a Double Standard

First appeared on July 9th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

When was the last time you smacked your boss in the face for telling you no? When was the last time you walked into his office and grabbed him by the throat because he had the nerve to ask you to do your job? If you really had done either of these recently I’m guessing you would have already skipped this column on your way to the classifieds.
On June 25th Houston Astros Pitcher Shawn Chacon really did attack his boss when he physically assaulted the teams General Manager Ed Wade. Chacon was suspended immediately by the Astros and released a day later.
For many the attack conjured up images of basketball star Latrell Sprewell in 1997, choking and striking then Golden State Warriors coach PJ Carlesimo. For his actions Sprewell’s contract was voided and the NBA suspended him for 82 games. After all the dust had settled, Sprewell didn’t suit up in an NBA game again for over two years.
With all this in mind, the real story few seem to care about happened four days after Chacon was released when the mercurial Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez shoved Jack McCormick, the teams traveling secretary, to the ground. According to reports Ramirez asked McCormick for tickets just minutes before a sold out game was set to begin. When McCormick couldn’t come up with any empty seats, Ramirez took it upon himself to assault a man twice his age. And who can blame McCormick, I’m sure “knowledge of Jujitsu” wasn’t part of the job description when he signed on.
To this point the Red Sox have done nothing to discipline Ramirez. The outfielder did issue a public apology but is that really enough? Shawn Chacon is out of a job. Latrell Sprewell didn’t work for two years. Obviously I‘m not equating the three incidents, I wasn’t present for any of them. I am however wondering why the Red Sox did nothing to show the baseball world that their locker room is not in fact full of knuckle dragging Neanderthals whose gut reaction to frustration is to hammer someone over the head with a club while grunting “ME ANGRY!”
What’s the real difference in this double standard you may ask? Chacon was a right handed pitcher who had only won 2 games all season and was carrying an ERA so swollen it dwarfed the goiter on Aunt Eula’s neck. Ramirez on the other hand is a future Hall of Famer who has hit over 500 home runs in his career. Chacon’s contract paid him 2 million dollars a season while Ramirez’s is somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 million. After some basic math it becomes fairly obvious which of the two is more important to their team.
The real injustice here isn’t just the disrespect the Red Sox have shown Jack McCormick. The real issue is the message the Sox are sending to young fans. By not disciplining Ramirez at all the franchise, and Major League Baseball for that matter, have basically said that if you are really good at what you do then it is acceptable for you to treat people like something you would scrape from the bottom of your shoe with a plastic butter knife (see Scat).
It’s the age old debate: “Are professional athletes role models?” and I say yes. Like it or not some kids hang on the every word and deed of these guys. Ramirez doesn’t need to be released, but the Red Sox and baseball commissioner Bud Selig have done the culture of our nation itself a great disservice by letting him walk despite his unacceptable behavior.

All Eyes on China

First appeared on June 24th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

On August 8th the opening ceremony of the summer Olympics will take place in Beijing. Considering we lead the all time gold medal count with a total stretching well past 2,000, the U.S. has to be considered amongst the favorites across the board heading into the games. While the competition to bring home more gold will no doubt be stiff, it may not be the most fascinating part of the games.
The Olympics have long been a place where political statements have been made. Take for example the 1968 games in Mexico City when Tommie Smith and John Carlos both made a show of black power by bowing their heads and raising gloved fists when the Star Spangled Banner was played during their medal ceremony. At the Munich games of 1972 the world watched in horror as 11 members of Israel’s Olympic team were taken hostage only to later die at the hands of a Muslim extremist group. In 1976 over 20 different African nations withdrew from the Montreal games in protest of New Zealand’s connections with South Africa’s racist government. And who can ever forget 1980 and 84 when the U.S. led a boycott of the Moscow summer games and the Soviet Union organized their own boycott of the Los Angeles summer games respectively.
The goal of the modern Olympics as stated in the IOC charter is to “…contribute to building a peaceful and better world…” While the competition does much to bring nations together, history has shown in the past it has done just as much to stir the world up politically as well. Now the games come to China and “building a peaceful and better world” has been left to the Chinese.
These are the same Chinese who have all but banned organized religion and continue to maintain an illegitimate stranglehold on the people of Tibet. The same Chinese whose communist government insists on smothering accuracy in the national media and is notorious for the harsh sentencing of dissidents. The same Chinese who forced Google and Yahoo to agree to a laundry list of restrictions before their internet services could be offered in China. Restrictions that include aiding the Chinese in monitoring anti-government messaging and sites.
For the summer of 2008 the IOC has left the responsibility of “building a peaceful and better world” in the hands of the Chinese. Asking China to build a peaceful and better world is the equivalent of asking Bobby Knight to run his own day care for toddlers. I see neither as a scenario for success.
With all this in mind, the Chinese government better buckle up because soon the eyes of the world will be upon them. No more will the Great Wall be enough to keep the meddling hands and prying eyes of the world out. It should prove very interesting to see how the games are covered and how China is portrayed in the worldwide spotlight the Olympics will no doubt provide.
What will happen if an athlete wishes to make his or her own personal political statement such as we’ve seen in the past? Will the communist party have a Tiananmen-like response? Will NBC be allowed unfettered access to Chinese athletes or will their interviews be edited by government media goons? If the Olympic torch’s tour of the world is any indication of how rocky things may get, this summer’s games just might be the most interesting in history.