And now for the least researched NFL preview in the history of the world

First appeared on August 4th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

For those of us who consider soup can labels to be quality leisure reading a new television season looms like the promise of a good 5 cent cigar or high speed internet for all. The networks will tell us the greatest season of new shows awaits when in all likelihood half will get cancelled, one might reach syndication and the rest will suffer the wrath of the unemployed screenwriter (i.e. television critics).


However fans of the NFL are likely to discover the most dramatic and entertaining moments will appear on the gridiron this season. TV aficionados and fantasy football geeks won’t struggle for discussion topics should some strange nexus of the universe ever bring them together.

Television and football are not all that different. In fact many parallels exist between the upcoming football season and those TV programs we’ve come to love so; or at least I’m going to use the next 400 words to pretend as much.

After cashing a ridiculous paycheck, Washington Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth promptly celebrated by failing multiple conditioning tests. For taking over 20 million dollars in salary before demanding a trade and then attempting to make amends by doing nothing but eating donuts and Corn Puffs all offseason, Haynesworth has quickly become the NFL’s version of “The Biggest Loser”. Scorned by every sports columnist in the nation, including the part-time pretend, Haynesworth has become a popular man in the league for all the wrong reasons. In the end however it will likely be Skins owner Daniel Snyder and new coach Mike Shanahan that will be the biggest losers in all of this.

Nothing will compare to what we will likely see coming out of Cincinnati this season. The Bengals have created “must see TV” by brining Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and free agent wide out Terrell Owens together. I give it five games before we’ll be treated to something reminiscent of a hilariously bizarre episode of “The Marriage Ref”.

By dubbing themselves the “dynamic duo”, Ochocinco and Owens have proved true the old theory that anyone giving themselves a nickname is either painfully desperate, friendless or a victim of Father Time whose production is waning. After all, isn’t referring to yourself as a superhero a bit ambitious considering all legitimate superheroes earned their nicknames by doing something other-worldly like reversing the spin of the Earth or winning a seat as a Tea Party candidate, not simply showing up for training camp?

All American Boy Tim Tebow has joined the Broncos and his jersey is already moving faster than free beer. With him doing everything at the college level short of walking on water, Tebow is the closest thing the NFL has to an “American Idol”. I see Randy telling Tebow “it just didn’t do it for me dog” before Paula makes an embarrassing pass at him. Unfortunately, after trying to squeeze into a 3T T-shirt, Simon will have asphyxiated; thus leaving the deciding vote uncast.

It’s time for a big finish now because I’m running out of space (and ideas).For breaking tradition in training camp and refusing to carry a veteran’s pads, Cowboy rookie Dez Bryant appears cut from the same cloth as those stars of TV’s “The Apprentice”. This shoe fits if for no other reason than he’s soon to be whispering “you’re fired” into Roy Williams’ ear.

What about the Colts you ask? Longevity, a single marketable superstar, consistent greatness and a history of doing things with class? Sounds like “The Simpsons” to me. Either way, enjoy this season football fans for the great lock out of 2011 promises wall to wall infomercials for all.