More questions than Roger Goodell can shake a stick at

First appeared on August 26th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

With a new NFL season closing in upon us with sloth-like speed, we find our lives once again cluttered with unanswered questions. Questions like will attendance be down league wide for a second consecutive year? Is Jay Cutler all the Bears really need to bring the “Super Bowl Shuffle” to a new generation and, perhaps most perplexing of all, when Barney Frank watches the Redskins play on TV does he really see 80,000 dining room tables in the stands?
To find all the answers to your most troubling questions about the upcoming NFL season one might head for the local Wal Mart. Here those intelligent beings amongst us would pull a bag chair off the rack before heading to the magazine aisle where one would sit for hours (or until the night watchman asks you to leave) painfully poring over issue after issue of countless preseason magazines.
Of course if you don’t have the same kind of free time on your hands as say Brett Favre’s press agent, and yet still long to know what to look forward to this season, then you’ve come to the right place. If you want solid predictions and the kind of serious analysis that will win you enough money to finally get your bookies strong armed brother-in-law to stop following your kids home from school then you should probably stop reading now.
The questions surrounding the Colts are so numerous there aren’t enough trees in the Pacific Northwest to print the pages necessary to mention them all. However with a veteran team the question of most importance isn’t about production but rather health. If the Colts have bullet Bob Sanders on the field, stay healthy on the offensive line and keep 18 upright for the entire season- they should make another run. So the real question becomes will the injury gods smile on Indianapolis this season or is it Manning’s turn to take a “Tom Brady-like vacation”?
Open arms in New England will undoubtedly be waiting for the return of their star. Yet despite having Tom Brady there, questions do exist in the backfield. In signing former Jacksonville Jaguar Fred Taylor can the Hoodie really find pay dirt once again by recycling another player whose ticket for the retirement home was already punched by a different franchise? (see Junior Seau).
Now that he has a legit defense (top 10 in 2009) and an unstoppable running game (top 5 in 2009), what excuse will Brett Favre have when the Vikings fail to advance in the playoffs? Better yet, what excuse will he have when Green Bay beats them twice?
A quick cruise around the rest of the league only reveals more questions. Will Titan QB Vince Young take any snaps this season? You know, so that he might finally make some meaningful progress towards completing his self-proclaimed “Hall of Fame career”? Will having the first pick in this years NFL draft be enough for the Lions to solidify their legacy as league leaders in both losses and empty seats? At over $60 a piece, will they sell ANY large pizzas at the new Texas Stadium?
Will the Bengals finally take the stripes of their uniforms so that their players only have to worry about wearing them off the field? What will happen first? Will Daniel Snyder’s checks start bouncing or will he petition the commissioner’s office to expand the rosters so that he might finally realize his dream of signing every free agent in the league? Obviously these questions can’t be answered before the real season begins- until then together we must wonder and wait.