Iverson to Pacers not the best answer

first appeared on August 12th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

When we were in third grade somebody started the rumor that our teacher was a former Nazi war criminal hiding out in small town Indiana. To be honest the woman was mean, but to be fair a Nazi war criminal she was not. The point is ours is a world rife with rumors which often buzz our heads like barnstorming stagger-wings, originating from points unknown and often built on half truths.
The latest rumor turning barrel rolls in Larry Bird’s office is the possibility of Allen Iverson in an Indiana Pacer uniform. It’s interesting to say the least. The thought of Iverson hoisting shots in Conseco Fieldhouse on a nightly basis likely has some intrigued and others cringing; count me in with the cringers. With a lifetime scoring average of 27 points per game, Iverson’s talent is inarguable and, though he’s already paved his road to the Hall of Fame, making an exit in Indianapolis would be all kinds of wrong.
For starters he comes with so much baggage he would likely need a caravan of camels to haul it all to Indianapolis and with everything Larry Bird has done to disinfect the image of the franchise adding a player like Iverson would be risky to say the least. And by risky I mean a “ringing Kim Jung IL’s doorbell wearing a star spangled speedo” kind of risky.
There was a time when Iverson was ultra-explosive and could carve up defenses geared specifically to stop him. The catch here is that he is no longer that player and, though nearly every team in the league has tried telling him that in their own subtle way, it just simply isn’t registering.
Despite the fact that his game is based largely on the speed and quickness that divorced him three years ago, he still has the skill set necessary to contribute on the NBA level. If he were willing to accept a lesser role as a scorer coming off the bench then Larry Bird should sign him before he finishes reading this column. The trouble is Iverson has not shown he is ready to make the same sacrifices that brought rings to Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen; and of course Larry Bird likely isn’t reading this.
Realistically Iverson could help somebody by providing scoring punch off the bench in much the same way Vinnie “the Microwave” Johnson did for the Piston’s of the early 90’s but unfortunately the 10 time All Star thinks there is an eleventh appearance left somewhere in his tank.
This is the impasse that has Iverson sitting by the phone at home eating potato chips and watching bad daytime television. Somehow he just doesn’t understand why he can’t find that one NBA executive who is actually looking for a 34 year old shooting guard that wants 30 shots a night and millions of dollars for doing so. Note to Iverson’s agent- most of the starting shooting guards in the league right now were in middle school when your client won his league MVP trophy; so you may want to revisit your demands.
So as things stand now signing Iverson would be a bad move. Bad like the crew of a submarine eating a crave case of White Castle sliders before leaving port. Bad like Hugo Chavez using the words war and the United States in the same sentence. Bad like Roger Clemens’ memory and Sammy Sosa’s English. As it stands right now Bird is moving his way to the top of the class amongst league executives but on this particular test signing Iverson would simply be the wrong answer.