Death to the Preseason I Say

First appeared on August 18th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Death to the preseason. I don’t care how it’s done, just make it happen. Make the preseason take a long walk off a short plank, send it to the gallows, give it the “Marie Antoinette” or hook it up to old sparky. It really doesn’t matter, just make it go away. Like now.
Watching preseason football is brutal. And, unless you’re a fan of false starts and punts, watching the Colts first preseason game Friday night was so painful even a lethal injection to the heart wouldn’t have made the pain go away fast enough.
All apologies to Donald Brown of course who endeared himself to Colt fans immediately by making some nice runs with the football. Though it should be pointed out that most of the Vikings defenders probably put more effort into piling food on their plates during the pregame meal than they did in making any preseason tackles. The real good news in all of this is that we only have three more preseason snoozefests to go.
They will tell you the preseason is necessary. They will use large words and complicated phraseology like “talent evaluation” and “live game situations”. Don’t buy any of it. It’s about money-period. The NFL is a business and having their talking heads repeating the preseason is “necessary” until fans ultimately accept it as fact is mere propaganda. Chairman Mao did the same in China with the only real difference being he didn’t make anybody pay full price. Call it what you like, the preseason is nothing more than another way for them to weasel their way inside your pockets.
In case you were wondering, I don’t coach professional football. That being said I do know if your starters basically play only one series, or at the most a quarter, that still gives you 45 minutes to evaluate your other guys. This being said two preseason games seems like it should be enough. Subjecting fans to anything more is simply a cruel and unusual punishment not unlike those strange Vietnam flashback episodes of Magnum P.I. or road construction signs that are still flashing after the crew has left the worksite.
If the NFL wants a way to get more money before the regular season then they need to go back to the drawing board. Why not bring four teams to one site and have them play half a game? If that’s you reading this Roger Goodell, go ahead and take credit for this idea. If that means we don’t have to suffer through four preseason games again then it’s worth it. Having four teams in one place would allow fans to see other players and teams they might not see during the regular season. It would also likely entice hard core fans to travel, thus helping the economies of host cities.
Maybe Simon Cowell is the better answer. The NFL would likely see preseason attendance skyrocket if fans could vote after each play as to who a team should keep or cut. One wonders though if Mr. Cowell would be half as snide if he were belittling the talent of a 6’5 300 pound offensive tackle who missed a block instead of the mousy William Hung. For a chance to see that- the NFL is welcome inside my pocket any day.
Perhaps my wife summed it up best. When she found out I was watching preseason football she immediately asked: That means it doesn’t count right? That means we’re not interested right? That means we can turn it right? I’m guessing most of you did the same.