The Age of Prognostication is Upon Us

First appeared on October 8th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

Evidently the age of prognostication is upon us. That’s right its time to blow the dust off those Tarot cards, Ouija boards and crystal balls so you too can start guessing what will happen next. Between the baseball playoffs and a new NFL season, predictions have been tossed about haphazardly by former players and sportswriters alike around the nation; throw in a presidential election and what you have is the perfect storm for predictionators (Ok, not a word, but we’re going to use it anyway).
Suddenly predictions are everywhere, or ubiquitous for those of you “daily word calendar people”. Some predictionators are obviously better than others and those who make the big time aren’t always the best. What has us flustered is the fact that there is no accountability in this whole prediction making scam.
As we trip down memory lane some might remember ESPN personality Tony Kornheiser, of PTI and Monday Night Football fame, incorrectly predicting Big Brown would win the Triple Crown. Evidently there is a recall on NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith’s crystal ball that he’s not aware of because it was obviously wrong when he looked into it and saw the Lakers winning a title last season.
Perhaps the gold standard for predictionators is former CBS college basketball analyst Billy Packer who, early in last year’s men’s tournament, theorized the poor free throw shooting of the Memphis Tigers would not hurt their chances of winning a title. When the Tigers went 1 for 5 from the foul line in the last 2 minutes of this years championship game and consequently lost to Kansas, believe us, nobody was happier to see Packer eat a healthy plate of crow with a side order of his own words.
Last week MSNBC analyst and radical mouthpiece for the liberal media Keith Olbermann incorrectly predicted that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s performance in the VP debate would all but swamp John McCain’s ship. Not to be outdone, both Ron Jaworksi and Chris Mortensen of ESPN put their intricate knowledge of the NFL on display this week by choosing the Houston Texans to beat a 1-2 Indianapolis team that was already backed in a corner and licking their wounds. Nice call boys.
It all has us wondering just what it takes to be a predictionator. Is it remotely possible that we are qualified? Nobody can know for sure, so we might as well try. We predict that on January 20th George W. Bush will be evicted from the White House. We predict that sales of IPOD’s will continue to outperform those of 8 Track players for the foreseeable future. We predict that the mullet will never make a comeback (That prediction applies only to those living north of U.S. 40 of course). We believe Antarctica’s Ross Ice Shelf will replace Hawaii as the “it” destination for honeymooners before Rosie and the gals at The View ever patch things up. We also predict Bill Gates will die with more money than us.
Of course some will remember that earlier in the year we chose the Cubs to win it all in 2008. We will pause now as the laughing subsides. In retrospect this was an obvious mistake that was made with our heart and not our head. What makes it less of an obvious mistake in our eyes however was ESPN baseball guru Tim Kurkjian making the same prediction before the playoffs began. Kurkjian will be in the Hall of Fame someday and that has to mean something; though we’re not sure what exactly. So for now it’s a premature fare thee well Predictionators-enjoy the age of prognostication while it lasts for this too shall pass; or so we predict.