Get off the Colts' Bandwagon While You Can

First appeared on November 5th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter.

This just in, the Colts have lost two of three games. Their record stands now at 4-4 on the season and to say the blue nation is nervous is about like saying Tina Fey and Sarah Palin could have been separated at birth. Here is some insider’s advice for you- the time to jump off the bandwagon is now. Get out while you can, get out before you lose all hope. Get out while you still have a small bit of hope with which you can begin a new nest egg on the bandwagon of some other NFL franchise; we suggest the Bengals or Lions as their stock would be an absolute steal right now. If you are a Colts fan aged 55 or older, good luck-there’s nothing we can do for you.
Experts can’t remember the last time the Colts were so inconsistent on both sides of the ball and many predict things will get uglier before they get better. Why you ask? There are so many factors at play that the average American wouldn’t fully understand this crisis. The offensive line has had issues and Payton’s surgically repaired knee appears to have the flexibility of an 87 year old man. Marvin Harrison is one Rodney Harrison cheap shot away from filing for Social Security and once again Bob Sanders reckless disregard for the limits of his own body had him clocking punts on the sideline when his team needed him most.
Is there a chance this season will turn around? In a word-no. You may be wondering if you should just stay put and leave your hope invested in the Colts like the always mirthful Suze Orman or her arch nemesis Neil Cavuto (aka Dilbert in an Armani suit) might suggest. The Colts have games remaining with two division leaders in Pittsburgh and the Titans, as well as two teams that will be clawing and scratching for playoff berths as well in Jacksonville and San Diego. Let us be the first to say, unless Payton is planning on jumping in a phone booth sometime soon where he might don the same cape and tights worn during his 49 touchdown season, this ship is going down and you need to get off.
Some blame the Republicans, others say it’s the fault of the Oil Speculators, we blame the play calling on third down. The Colts have been injured yes, but they have also been sloppy, lackluster and for most of the season utterly and entirely un-Colt like.
We’re here to announce these Colts will not make the playoffs. In fact we’re so sure these Colts will not make it to the playoffs that if it happens, and if we were Taco Bell, we would be prepared to offer every American not only just a free taco, but a free Mexican pizza, free nachos supreme, free Baja chicken Gordita, two free breakfast burritos with a free extra large soft drink and some free Mexican ice cream as well (limited to 1 order per car please).
Perhaps if we’re lucky Congress will step in and offer a bailout package that will allow the Colts to sign some of the NFL’s best players before the playoffs begin. Can you imagine Manning handing off to Adrian Peterson or DeMarcus Ware lining up opposite Dwight Freeney on the defensive line? With someone else’s money, it’s no stretch to say the possibilities are absolutely endless.
The Colts chances of another Super Bowl run someday aren’t toast just yet, but as an elite team this group is on the downhill run. In a way this year’s NFL playoffs will likely be a microcosm of the political landscape in the United States. Yesterday’s election was the first in 28 years that did not feature a Bush on the ticket and this years playoffs will be the first in what seems to be just as long that won’t feature the Colts on the field.