Welcome to the Bizarro World

First appeared on December 10th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

The other day the cashier at Steak and Shake, in a subtle tone reminiscent of Hitler during his Reichstag speech, informed us we were wrong for arguing our tab. Evidently the “4 meals under $4” they are advertising actually costs a staggeringly ridiculous, and not to mention falsely advertised, $4.35. Well those who have been following our predictions lately may have noticed a trend as well. They’ve been completely wrong too. Over a month ago we pronounced the Colts dead in the water and said they would miss the playoffs. Six weeks and six straight wins later the Colts are positioning themselves well for the postseason. Last week we argued that Ball State deserved far more respect nationally than what they have received. Evidently as a way of thanking us, the Cards went out and lost the MAC championship over the weekend.
All of this has our confidence somewhat shaken as for some time now we have seemingly been living in the Bizarro World. Down is up, up is down and nothing is as it should be. It’s as if instead of everything we touch turning to gold; everything we touch has been turning to zinc, nickel, copper or whatever element would be considered the opposite of gold. Everyone knows it is rare indeed for the TV weather guys to admit when they’re wrong but we won’t hesitate- we were wrong and the fact that we are so quick to admit we were wrong is probably one of the largest reasons we didn’t go into TV weather to begin with; well that and our lack of a degree in meteorology and perfect hair.
But now that we have discovered our newfound superpower (the ability to get everything wrong), we feel obliged to use it for good. Perhaps now we will be capable of altering the future course of events to our benefit. In other words if we’re guaranteed to get everything wrong, maybe we can actually get things right (in a round a bout way).
With this in mind we believe the New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl this season and, in doing so, Bill Belichick will be named coach of the year (don’t worry, there’s still time to invest money in the video tape industry before the playoffs). Of course there is no way the Colts will win the Super Bowl again because Peyton Manning will never return to the form of his MVP seasons.
Mike Krzyzewski will win his fourth national championship this year allowing him to best the three claimed by his mentor Bobby Knight. North Carolina will become the first men’s college basketball team to go undefeated since the aforementioned Knight’s 1976 Indiana Hoosiers and McDonalds will never add the McRib to their permanent menu. Ed McMahon will never knock on our door with a check for a million dollars and this year, instead of celebrating Christmas for time honored family traditions, Americans will continue to celebrate it out of some twisted sense of commercial responsibility.
But enough with this George Costanza approach to life. Sports are often illogical (see Buffalo over Ball State). This is most likely the largest reason so many Americans are drawn to them. The illogicality of sports is also most likely the reason we are drawn to pontificating upon them in the first place. If sports were predictable Vegas odds makers and bookies would be waiting on line at every soup kitchen and government cheese house from Oxnard to Jekyll Island. For most, the unpredictability of sports is what makes them charming. And we say beware anyone who tells you they can predict the outcome of sport with regularity for they are nothing more than a modern day snake charmer or traveling medicine man; or perhaps worse- a TV weatherman in disguise.