Finding "Fair"ness in College Athletics

First appeared on August 24th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Writing a hard hitting column peppered with humor and unique insight is not as easy as some make it appear. Trust me, I fully understand this after reading several hard hitting columns peppered with humor and unique insight.

Earlier in the week I had this great idea about writing a piece comparing the State Fair with college football. However, what began with the most sublime of expectations quickly spiraled into something that is best classified as not sublime. At some point I guess I realized that either the State Fair and College football have nothing in common or it probably was just a bad idea to begin with.

Of course had I written it, the column would have been amazing. It probably would have said something about how the Circle City Stompers Clown Band, with their patchwork jackets of rainbow colors and instruments of faded copper, brought all the energy and spirit of a well tuned college band. There would have been some weak connection between frenzied fans flocking to merchandise stands to don the jerseys of their favorite players and State Fair vendors hocking everything from deep fried Twinkies to corn cob hats.

At some point it, in a fashion typical of the author, the piece probably would have attempted to sober itself by arguing College football programs exploit the talents of their marquee players in much the same way the State Fair exploits 1300 pound hogs and those patrons with a weakness for anything fried (and by anything here we mean lard and Kool Aid).

But alas there’s also a seedy underbelly to college football that reeks of greed and money and, try as I may, I could not find any seedy underbellies at the State Fair. I tried explaining to our 3 year old why the little piglets were so interested in their mommy’s underbelly but that conversation quickly deteriorated too.

To prevent further seed from taking root in the underbelly of College Football I would have argued that penalties levied by the NCAA should follow players to the next level just as seven pounds of fried food eaten tends to follow you around for a few days.

Between the bad puns and double entendres at some point I would have contended that, to truly police their sports, the NCAA should hire the slimiest agents out there to head a new task force charged with staying one step ahead of recruiting violators. As for a Fair tie in, this would be no different than Fair Operators hiring those who rubberneck hardest over someone else double fisting corn dogs or the ones eagerly forking over hard earned cash for a chance to see the “Cat Woman” (who by virtue of being a 90 year old lady mothering 75 cats is about as far from Michelle Pfeiffer as one can possibly get).

But if you have read anything I’ve written you arrive quickly at the understanding that an expert on anything relevant, I am not. However it seems there are many avenues the NCAA could explore to weed out agents and illegal boosters. Levying fines against those violators who sign professional contracts would be a start. As far as that goes, any money gained could even go towards scholarships for sports that draw less attention.

Putting some real teeth into the death penalty so that it brings an association with the actual death penalty and not merely a suspension might help too. In the meantime we have charming distractions like the State Fair to help us relax, unwind and forget about the hurricane of hypocrisy that is college athletics.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams