More Curtis Painter Please

First appeared on August 17th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Let me be the first to say what every Colts fan is already thinking but is afraid to admit- “I need more Curtis Painter”. Yes I agree it does sound odd. Somewhere along the lines of please pass the monkey brains or do you know anyone who offers a good discount lobotomy?

But just as Christopher Walken so famously once quipped “More Cowbell!” on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, so too should Colts fans be eager to see “more Curtis Painter”. Those who haven’t dismissed me as someone who’s survived a bad discount lobotomy are still reading because they assume an explanation will follow.

Peyton Manning is the quarterback of the Colts. Discount lobotomy or not, nobody will ever dispute this. What some don’t realize, or wish to think about, is life without Manning. I’m not talking about retirement or a permanent replacement. In that respect Manning is a lot like Superman or Ramen Noodles for he, like them, could never be replaced.

This is more the idea of anyone in the Colts organization giving any thought to the options this team would have should Manning go down. And don’t give me that “well, their season is over then!” The players in the Colts locker room deserve more than that. Most of these guys are getting too long in the tooth to believe every play they’re fighting for would be lost should Manning go down.

As it stands now fans of the Colts are one Theismann-like play away from seeing #18 gesturing wildly from the sidelines with clipboard firmly in hand. This guy has been around so long it seems like he took over after Johnny Unitas left the press conference announcing his retirement and all this time he’s done nothing but stay healthy and play games.

Simply put the Colts have not done enough to prepare for life without Manning. They haven’t proved to the rest of us that they recognize the fact that Manning, despite his 6’5 frame and laser-rocket arm, is in fact human.

Case in point-Curtis Painter threw just 6 passes in the Colts first preseason game Saturday night. He completed 3 for 55 yards with 1 interception. The fact Painter didn’t throw the ball more has to explain something. If the guy is truly Manning’s back up then they need to play him more and open the playbook up. But with only 6 passes attempted, just like the Chinese place in the food court at the mall, the sample size clearly needs to be larger.

The only logical explanation for Saturday night is that perhaps the Colts aren’t as sold on Painter as they would have us believe. Maybe what they really think is that Dan Orlovsky is going to be their man but they’re just not 100% ready to make that public. So in the mean time they’ll keep Orlovsky’s fate on double-secret probation until the NFL forces the Colts to solidify their roster.

Long story short, if Curtis Painter can play at this level, now’s the time to prove it. Don’t give us any more observations from practice or press releases composed by Stuart Smalley. Get him out on the field more in the preseason. Make him prove to the rest of the football world that other defenses won’t make the Colts backfield look like the frenzied streets of an Arab Spring country without Peyton Manning.

In the meantime this is me doing my best Bruce Dickinson (picture slicked back hair, chocolate brown leather jacket, tinted Aviators) and I’m telling Jim Caldwell that what I really need is “more Curtis Painter baby!”

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams