in The Lebanon Reporter
So we finally found Osama Bin Laden. And all these years we heard about his living in a cave buried deep inside the Hindu Kush Mountain range; but yet they find him instead living it up in a compound minutes away from Islamabad.
I had such high hopes for his cave too. All this time we were led to believe he was cooped up in some state of the art hole worthy of the cover of Spelunkers Illustrated or Caves Quarterly (CQ for those in the biz). I had pictured Bin Laden perched James Kirk-style in a nerve center dominated by a wall of television screens broadcasting everything from Al Jazeera to Oprah to reruns of “Press Your Luck” while his guests moved about on an elaborate network of elevators, escalators and a Bactrian Camel affectionately nicknamed Bill.
With the kind of lightning fast internet service only Afghanistan could boast, I imagined Osama using a Mind Control Device designed by someone in the Al Queda R&D department to make former President Bush use words like “Strategery” and “Misunderestimated”. And yet, after all this, we find he was living in a suburb of Pakistan’s capital city. Probably buying the latest issues of Cosmo at the local drug store and drinking Latte’s at some Internet Café.
So now that we don’t have the Geraldo Special: “Outside Bin Laden’s Cave!” to look forward to, hope remains for a state of the art grotto that would turn Bat Man green with envy. Major League Baseball has done their part to keep the dream of a super cave alive by bringing the world their Major League Baseball “Fan Cave”. In the heart of New York City’s trendy Greenwich Village one will find MLB’s tribute to the American Sports Fan (Broadway and 4th for those who find this column so inspiring they immediately feel compelled to book a flight to the Big Apple).
The “Fan Cave” is Nirvana for baseball fans. A Mecca for stat geeks and couch potatoes alike. When it was announced that two fans would be granted the opportunity to live inside the cave while watching every single major league baseball game this season some 10,000 applied. Baseball officials sifted through this mountain of interest before settling on Mike O’Hara and Ryan Wagner. No doubt these two proved they had the skills, and lack of economic responsibility, necessary (see: ‘ no Job’ or ‘no kids’), to stay in one place and live a totally sedentary lifestyle for all 2,430 regular season games.
The majority of their lazing about will be done in front of the ”Cave Monster”. This wall of 12 big screens is stationed in front of a set of couches bolted to a stage that has the capability of rotating 360 degrees. During their summer of “Baseball Love” O’Hara and Wagner will use whatever free time they have between the 7,000 plus hours of baseball they will watch to Tweet, Blog, film short clips for the “Fan Cave” website and host whatever former or future Hall of Famer may happen by.
For Mike O’Hara and Ryan Wagner the “Fan Cave” is proof once again that dreams can come true in America. For the U.S. military on the other hand, finding Bin Laden after all these years is proof once again that hard work pays off in the end. So here’s to the men and women of our Armed Forces on a job well done. May the days be short before you find yourself holding a dog and a beer at one of baseball’s 2,340 regular season games.
Find the fan cave at: mlbfancave.mlb.com
© 2011 Eric Walker Williams
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