in The Lebanon Reporter
Established and once proud, but recently struggling NBA Franchise, seeks candidate for position of head coach. Prior coaching experience not necessary; ability to tell employees whose paychecks are ten times larger than yours how to do their job a must however. Experience making a sub .500 team competitive with the best professional basketball can offer a plus. Ability to get along with fans at home games mandatory (even if the majority are not fans of your team per say). Applicants shall not be curmudgeon-like in their dealings with players, front office personnel, the media, team cheerleaders, trampoline guys or the squeegee kids, the Public Address Announcer and/or the guy who runs the scoreboard etc. Availability for travel a must. Walk in and apply to Conseco Fieldhouse-125 S. Pennsylvania Avenue- Indianapolis, IN.
So what do the Pacers do now? Besides upload the aforementioned job advertisement to Monster immediately of course. The Pacers 2010-11 Season was all but lost when Larry Bird asked Jim O’Brien (inspiration for Scrabble-like use of ‘curmudgeon’ as read earlier) to take a permanent leave of absence. Many were of the belief the results would be minimal. After all, the Pacers Franchise barely had a heartbeat when Larry Bird picked up the phone and asked Frank Vogel to take the wheel for the rest of the season.
What we saw instead was, well…what did we see? We saw two 3 game winning streaks (doubling J.O.B.’s output). We saw wins in 5 of 7 heading into the playoffs. We also saw a winning record under Vogel. But the Pacers lost 6 in a row at one point (a feat J.O.B. also accomplished as well) and were destroyed by 27 in the biggest game of the year.
On the surface the results appear more mixed than not. So what does Larry Bird do now? Well
just in case Larry, or whomever will ultimately be charged with this task, is reading this; here’s what the Pacers should do.
Announce up front they’re launching the search for a new head coach (see aforementioned Monster Ad). Next start at the top by bringing in Brad Stevens and Jim Calhoun. And since I’ve never been a fan of Calhoun’s, let’s tell his agent to expect an invitation before shredding it like Julian Assange was knocking on the door. Next they should interview Bobby Knight and Gene Keady; at the same time. I’m picturing a steel cage scenario where the last man standing gets the job. Maybe you could even give Knight a chair and, just to make things fair, let Keady use his jacket as a weapon since he has ninja-like skills after tossing it around all those years.
Next, just to appease the mythical Kentucky Pacers contingent we hear so much about, they should hire a private investigator to find the grandson of Adolph Rupp (or just dig the legendary coach up if that’s cheaper). After this, they should interview every coach currently employed from the junior high level up to the European professional leagues. And after all this, the Pacers should hire Frank Vogel.
Why Vogel? The answer is clear and goes far beyond the court. For the first time since the pre-brawl days the Pacers matter again. There is a groundswell of excitement for this team and, couple this with the fact they have a ton of money to spend in the off season, next year should bode well for those inside the Pacers ticket office. Not enough? Try Vogel is bright, personable and has the perfect demeanor for handling a crew of young professional athletes. What’s your answer? Kelvin Sampson?
© 2011 Eric Walker Williams
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