Indiana Sports Teams: Help Wanted

First appeared on January 7th, 2008
in The Lebanon Reporter

With the Colts out of the playoffs, forgettable football seasons from both in state Big Ten schools, the Pacers 10 games under .500, Purdue unable to win any game that goes longer than 40 minutes and Tom Crean’s Hoosiers suffering through the nightmare season so many predicted; fans of Indiana sports teams suddenly find themselves bruised and battered as if someone has beaten them with a pillowcase full of rock hard fruitcakes.
During this time some may have come to the realization that Indiana is suddenly not such a great place for sports fans anymore; you know in much the same way Gary is not the ideal place for ATM repairmen, Brinks security guards who are legally blind and those who wish to walk home from their jobs late at night unarmed while carrying large amounts of cash. Now that we think about it, the weather hasn’t been anything to write home about either; as in the sun hasn’t been seen since they moved the capital from Corydon. The forecast is so dismal we already have our bags packed, leaving us only with the task of finding the perfect destination for a new sports scene.
For some inexplicable reason the northern frontier town of Harbin China immediately comes to mind. You know the place where ice sculpting is considered a competitive sport. On second thought, the average winter temperature in Harbin is -16 degrees Celsius, and while we can’t say with any confidence what that means in terms of Fahrenheit we operate under a general rule of thumb which prevents us from taking up permanent residence in any place with an average temperature that is not a positive integer.
Perhaps Seattle would be a better fit for us. After all why would we turn down the chance for great coffee, plenty of rainfall and the possibility of recording our own Sasquatch sighting? On second thought maybe not, after all in the course of a year the people of that city have seen a professional basketball franchise leave, a former Super Bowl contender fail to make the playoffs and a baseball team take the field that by most accounts had no chance whatsoever of making the postseason at any time during the summer.
If we moved to Jalalabad Afghanistan we could most certainly enjoy a spirited game of Buzkahsi. For those who are not students of Afghani culture, Buzkashi is the national sport in Afghanistan, similar to polo with one minor difference- instead of wrestling for control of a ball, Buzkashi players angle for control of a goat carcass. Sounds quite interesting indeed and, given the 2008 they had, we’re sure it would no doubt prove a therapeutic experience for Cubs fans- but it’s not quite what we’re looking for.
And then there’s New York. The city that never sleeps. Appears they are also the city soon to be taken hostage by Brett Favre, one whose highest paid professional basketball player isn’t hurt and yet hasn’t played a game all season and of course who could forget the payroll of the Yankees, which at last count seemingly totaled more than the gross domestic products of all 47 nations on the African continent combined.
In retrospect maybe things here aren’t so bad after all. We still have quality athletes who play the right way. We have coaches who demand excellence and we have some wonderful venues in which to root on our teams. Turns out we’re not leaving after all, besides there’s not time to make any flights now- the Pacer game starts in a few hours.