The Plight of the North American Head Coach

First appeared on January 14th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Under a camouflage of different colors is found a rare species indeed. To watch the male and female alike teaching their young to fend for themselves is a marvel and all the while they continue to find new ways to outsmart enemies. But this spectacular species is in danger. Of course the persecution of animals isn’t new, the Chinese alone have done irreparable damage to the world’s ecosystems by insisting there is medicinal value to be found in everything from the Seahorse (kidney problems) to Tigers (arthritis) and Rhinos (fever and convulsions). And yet now we find those sophisticated Americans doing their best to eliminate a unique species of their own. The North American Head Coach.
In 2008 seven NFL head coaches were fired and, at time of print, six NBA coaches had been let go in a season that isn’t even halfway over yet. The plight of the North American Head Coach can be traced back to a pair of ugly factors: instant gratification and unrealistic expectations. It would seem we live in the heyday of instant gratification (instant messaging, one click shopping, automatic dog feeders); we must for if our attention spans get any shorter we…wait a minute, what were we talking about? It would seem today’s team owners have adopted the mantra of Apollo Thirteen Lead Flight Director Gene Kranz by making it perfectly clear to coaches that “Failure is not an option.”
Today, anything short of a championship is considered failure. Today, anything short of a perfect season full of record breaking performances and sold out stadiums rife with the type of pandemonium that winds up with thousands of fans clad in officially licensed apparel being trampled within inches of their life ala Euro-soccer style is considered failure. Under the leadership of a new administration perhaps protection for the NFL’s North American Head Coach Subspecies will come in passing out 32 Lombardi Trophies at the end of each season; thus sharing the wealth and preserving the species simultaneously.
Unrealistic expectations from fans and management threaten the future of the North American Head Coach too. The Sacramento Kings sacked Reggie Theus before he had even coached two full seasons. This after ownership had traded away his best players and failed to sign or draft anybody with enough ability to even lace those empty shoes up, let alone begin filling them. Coaches need a chance to develop players and get their systems in place. Two years is not a chance, it’s a cell phone contract. The New York Times reported the average coaching tenure of all three major professional leagues in the United States combined is less than 5 years.
Coaches deserve two things; a say in who they coach and the time to work with them. Of course we can’t speak with total certainty on much, but to expect championship runs every season from every team may be a bit unrealistic and far too often coaches become martyrs for franchises who seem to be eternally “rebuilding”.
In the meantime we should pause and enjoy the majestic beauty of the North American Head Coach while he’s still around for soon he may go the route of so many before; those “rock stars” of extinct species like the Passenger Pigeon, Three Toed Horse and Pig Footed Bandicoot. Look at the size of the headset on that male! Be careful though, the key is keeping your distance-the North American Head Coach is notorious for being ill-tempered. In the past he has been known to punch, choke, spew obscenities and throw chairs when disturbed. Yes a beautiful and inspiring sight indeed.