The Politics of Competitve Eating

First appeared on July 6th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

235 years ago our Founding Fathers shocked the world by penning the following: “When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth the right to gorge themselves on processed meat…” OK, so maybe that wasn’t exactly how it was written. But with a whole generation of children who won’t be able to read cursive writing in the lurch, it’s entirely possible that’s how the Declaration in its original form will be translated at some point.
The 96th annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest was held this past Fourth in Coney Island. Americans by the million tuned in because we love the spirit of competition and because ESPN really had nothing else to broadcast. The crowd was mesmerized by the display of natural athleticism and captivated by raw, or perhaps undercooked, suspense. Obviously Americans would find a love affair of food attractive while celebrating those who dare to test the limits of human digestion, we are after all the most obese nation in the world.
But as the contestants blew through their plates of Hot Dogs faster than a beaver gnawing chopsticks, one had to wonder if this was what the Founding Fathers envisioned? Is this really what Thomas Jefferson meant by the “pursuit of happiness”? Is the right of inhaling 62 dogs in 12 minutes the kind of ”inalienable right” they had in mind?
No doubt it’s a tough argument to swallow. Would a group of refined gentlemen plotting the course of a new nation actually do so with competitive eating in the back of their minds? Seeing Americans feverishly cheering Champion Joey Chestnut on is likely enough to have taken the curl out of George Washington’s hair, or at the very least cause him the sort of agitation he weathered upon discovering a run in his hose.
Teddy Roosevelt praised football for its mirroring the rugged, rough and tumble American way of life. What would the old Rough Rider himself think of competitive eating? And considering this “Super Bowl of the Surreal” took place in his native New York City, let us pause now for TR to turn over in his grave.
So maybe the Founding Fathers were closet Kobayashi fans, there is no arguing the popularity of revisionist history. However one of the biggest misnomers about our nation’s past, other than Ben Franklin’s never being President or the Civil War having not been won over England, is the fact Washington never signed the Declaration of Independence. Who would’ve guessed she would become such a big hit after being signed by the likes of Button Gwinnett, Francis Lightfoot Lee and William Williams? And with someone named Williams playing a role it comes as no surprise it is too long, somewhat difficult to decipher and lacks any entertainment value whatsoever.
So you can have Thomas Jefferson or your choice from any of the Adams boys, for eating an 11 pound Shoo-Fly pie in 8 minutes I want my kids to look up to Patrick Bertoletti . Legendary men like Eric Booker who once ate 49 glazed doughnuts in 8 minutes or Takeru Kobayashi who downed 17 pounds of Cow Brain in a quarter of an hour. These are the men worthy of having their faces carved into a mountain out in the middle of nowhere in a not-so-subtle effort at creating tourism in an otherwise non-touristy state.
So as Jefferson’s hand swept across that crusty old piece of paper listing all our grievances with the King 235 years ago, it all leads one to wonder if the almighty hot dog wasn’t actually first on his mind.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams