If Gatorade Machines could Talk

First appeared on June 3rd, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Dear Chicago Cubs,
This is your dugout Gatorade Machine. Why do you hate me? I’m your biggest fan. Come rain or shine, through the misery of six 1 run losses, I’ve been here every night on the bench to support you and what thanks do I get? First Ryan Dempster (Lemon-Lime) puts a huge dent in my forehead with his fist then Carlos Zambrano (Orange) lays in to me with a bat?
I mean Zambrano? Seriously, is this really a fair fight? Big Z is pushing 300 pounds and I’m an inanimate object (that means I can’t move). It is a scientifically proven fact a bat wielding Zambrano charging at full speed can generate more momentum than a LeCar carrying Ruben Studdard, Ruben Studdard’s band, all their instruments, his background singers, the roadies and all three of his fans. I mean, seriously Zambrano’s so enormous if he was Alonzo Mournings leg, I’d be Jeff Van Gundy for crying out loud.
Could I really have anything to do with the fact that you have only won 4 of your last 14 games? I’m not the unlucky one, let’s just continue to hang that on the cat and the goat. It’s evident I’ve done my job dispensing multiple varieties of delicious drinks (orange, lemon-lime and water) at the perfect temperature, I mean last I checked no Cubs have went on the DL for dehydration for crying out loud. And what do I have to show for it? I’ve had my head pounded in twice and, to make things worse, Dempster wants to whine about having a blister on his pitching hand? He should try hitting his spots with a collapsed face.
Surely Lou Piniella (Water) doesn’t think I’m to blame. He has the 3rd highest payroll in all the majors at his disposal and yet you guys are currently last in hits and 12th in runs scored amongst teams in the National League. How can you point an angry finger at me when your batters are ranked 5th in the league in strike outs and your pitchers are near the bottom in most earned runs allowed?
I’ve heard the whispers; Pepsi machine, mini-fridge- you should show me some respect. I am a state of the art drink dispenser. In case you aren’t aware, I come from a very proud pedigree. Perhaps you’ve heard of my grandfather; the Gatorade water cooler? Of course you know him, he’s had more Super Bowl exposure than Janet Jackson. Most recognize the long-standing tradition of him getting dumped on the heads of coaches after they win (he hates that by the way). Well I may not be my grandfather, but I still command respect.
Look I know all about the 100 years deal. I know you have an enormous payroll and yet are still hovering around .500 for the season. The bottom line is the baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint. Maybe what you need is a break, there’s still plenty of time for you to right the ship. In the meantime I’ll be right here on the bench where all your desires are only a push-button away. So why don’t you pour yourself a cup, grab some braunschweiger and a seat on the bench next to me and sit this one out. Or, if you are Carlos Zambrano, sit the next six out.

Your Friend,

The Dugout Gatorade Machine

P.S. Do you know how many All Sport machines it takes to screw in a light bulb?