Calgon! Take the Cubs Away!

First appeared on September 28th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

WARNING: What you are about to read comes from a red, white and blue Cubs fan and is not intended to bring disgrace to anyone, past or present, who has played on the North Side.

Like me, channel surfers everywhere may have stumbled upon the single most disturbing event in the history of television last night. And before you guess, it wasn’t the Dancing With the Stars All Star competition or a replay of Piers Morgan's interview with a perpetually incoherent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, rather it was the fact the Chicago Cubs are still playing baseball.

Finding out the Cubs are still playing baseball is like discovering Branson actually has a Neil Diamond Tribute show. And with Chicago at 59-97 it’s no stretch to say the ticket to see a fake Neil Diamond 2,000 miles from the real Las Vegas is likely hotter than anything Wrigley can offer. In fact something tells me more people would walk across the street to see how many pork rinds Honey Boo Boo can eat before throwing up than those who would actually want to see the Cubs play.

The Cubs should do their fans, Cooperstown, all competitive sports everywhere including Jai Alai and the integrity of the game a favor and stop playing baseball as soon as possible. In fact maybe the Diamondbacks could play the recently fired NFL Replacement Refs tonight in Arizona if only to give us a break from the Cubs and MLB ratings a temporary bump.

Since mid June the Cubs season has been dying a slow death; like a Billy the Kid has already emptied his Six Shooter and they’re still clinging to life with garbled groans kind of slow. Call them what you will, a hot mess, a dumpster fire or God’s gift to perpetual disappointment, the Cubs are on a fast track to whatever the next stop beyond irrelevance is. And while this isn’t uncharted territory for the Northsiders, Cubs fans have had enough and the brass at Wrigley better do something in the next 7 months or the only thing their ticket takers will be gathering next season is cobwebs.

In fact if the Cubs don't do anything before next year I’m not sure a "Free Season Ticket Night" will be enough to get people out to Wrigley. Barring a remarkable finish, this team is going to lose 100 games which means that, instead of newspapers, people will begin associating Cubs tickets with the lining of bird cages or as a cheaper option for papier-mâché.

And don't tell me to wait for next year. Waiting for next year is the single greatest marketing ploy since Publisher’s Clearinghouse or the Doublemint Twins. Besides there are no 40 somethings out there actually sitting in their parent's basement clad in Cubs garb with a copy of the 2013 schedule and calendar in hand waiting for the season to begin or Mitt Romney would have mentioned them by name during the welfare crusade he launched at his $50,000 a plate fundraiser.

But alas if we’re to raise any fingers towards the Cubs organization for their 2012 product perhaps it’s best pointed at Theo Epstein for he is the one who traded, released or reassigned almost every player the Cubs had who could hit, field or stay upright with any regularity. The good news for Epstein is Cubs fans may be a beleaguered and oft-tortured bunch but, if anything, they’re also patient. And in the interest of being fair most will wait Epstein out. After all he is seen as the man who ended the Red Sox curse.

He better hope the “trade every relevant player you have away” philosophy he’s borrowed from the Marlins organization actually pans out however because, after a 100 loss season, nothing less than a World Series win will suffice. OK, so maybe we’ll settle for an appearance. Heck even after 100 years, we’re still willing to settle for baby steps.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Time to cut the fake refs some real slack

First appeared on September 21st
in The Lebanon Reporter

We all misremember things from time to time. I’m sure you’ve misremembered to read my column at some point and I can’t get too upset considering I misremembered to write one worth reading this week. Roger Clemens once told Congress that the former teammate who accused him of using PED’s “misremembers things” while former President Bill Clinton simply misremembered that Americans, and Congress, are too smart to fall for semantics.

NFL fans are not above misremembering things either. We’re just two weeks into the season and so many have dragged replacement officials through the mud that it’s taught us just how easy it is for fans and the talking heads to misremember the fact NFL referees were never really all that good to begin with. Which is of course why we have replay.

The sudden love and unforeseen empathy America has for the formerly faceless NFL referee is not unlike the time Sally Jones dumped you in Junior High. The ethereal Sally Jones, whose stunning hair was more long and flowingly beautiful than anything man had seen since Secretariat, who left you so crushed you became convinced there’d never be another like her and that the times you shared during “talk time” in Homeroom were more precious than anything you’d ever know again. You’d gone so low that the decision to quit life altogether was a simple one and then the 1st period bell rang and you moved on.

Still the blathering, incoherent reaction you had to Sally’s “Did you know I’m dating
Kate’s cousin Ricky? Check Yes or No” note is not unlike the reaction America is having to the lockout of NFL Officials. One good thing to come of all this is the fact fans who for so long had berated the real NFL officials are finally admitting the existence of a competent referee. Which comes to us as if straight out of the Bizaaro World and something Roger Goodell is undoubtedly pasting in his scrapbook as we speak.

The truth is when it comes to Replacement Officials I expected much worse. In fact, given the speed of the NFL game, I expected to see something along the lines of a tribe of Kalahari Bushmen trying to referee a football game. Yes there have been problems, but by and large they’ve not been that bad.

What did one expect to see after the league scrambled together an army of men who weren’t good enough to referee at this level to begin with and put as much lipstick on them as was possible in a month before throwing them to the dogs? Asking these guys to call an NFL game is the equivalent of asking a nine year old who’s just mastered flying his remote controlled airplane to pilot the Space Shuttle. It’s like handing an M-16 to a Middle School Hall Monitor before asking them to eradicate Mexican drug runners from the border region.

The truth is officials are a necessary evil. And the human being, albeit sophisticated and well engineered, is still littered with flaws. And it doesn’t matter if they blow a whistle for a living or sack your groceries, everyone makes mistakes. The difference is some of us are fortunate enough to make them in a place and time that sees them go largely unnoticed.

And while there may be a small difference between stacking canned goods on top of a loaf of bread and blowing a call that decides a game upon which millions of dollars is riding, is it not the nature of human beings to forgive. Or is it forget? Either way the NFL Replacement Official wins.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

What now Commissar Goodell?

First appeared on September 13th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Upon further review, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's suspension of 4 players for the Bounty Gate fiasco has been reversed. This remarkable decision tells us either the evidence the NFL had doesn’t warrant the suspensions handed down, or it’s yet another clear sign the authoritarian regime Goodell has so meticulously created is another work stoppage or reversed decision away from spiraling into another Iraq.

For good reason he remains an insulated figure operating under a cloak of secrecy as both players and owners have taken to social media to openly question many decisions he has made in the past.

Americans love Goodell for being cocksure and an indefatigable warrior for truth whose blisters pus toughness; he’s John Wayne in a $300 suit. Fans of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc get teary eyed and wax poetic over his propensity for being heavy handed and uncompromising. Goodell’s approach has made him more commissar than commissioner and he remains the closest thing we have left to a Cold War Era dictator.

But, just as any good communist regime before him, Goodell’s world seems to be crumbling. The off season saw the NFL uncover one of the ugliest scandals in its history and, on a somewhat less significant note according to the league, the NFL Referees have undertaken their own Perestroika movement.

The time has come for Commissar Goodell to do some real soul searching. Is he destined to become the Mikhail Gorbachev of professional sports or is he going to fill the void and become the iron fisted ruler the world is so sorely missing. Now is not the time for compromise; after all, Glastnost did bring a Super Power to its knees. And if the Soviet Union has taught us anything it’s that nobody can look cool in an Ushanka hat and giving people a more open government doesn’t always translate to world domination.

Forget fines and suspensions. The North Korean government used to force citizens to pack their sports arenas to witness public executions. 50,000 men, women and children all clad in the most depressing shade of gray possible while sitting on the edge of their seats under a monotone voice droning over a crackling loudspeaker. Something about the sanctity of the State being compromised because someone had the audacity to jaywalk during rush hour. I don’t see any wardrobe malfunctions in the NFL’s future should Goodell adopt this policy for helmet to helmet contact.

So now the media wants full access to the Bounty Gate evidence and the phones in New York are ringing nonstop with frantic calls from Junior High Athletic Director’s everywhere begging for their referees back. And when the people call for change or demand answers the commissar must act.

What Goodell really needs most now is a convenient distraction. The NBA Lock Out was a godsend, but that league is currently on the rebound. He must remember that an uprising or highly public purging of your once most loyal underlings isn’t always a bad thing. In this case however Goodell might be surprised at the reaction should he simply announce that compromise is on the horizon before invading a smaller country.

In the meantime the Commissar will consider his options and we will eat unhealthy food and watch football. Still we are left wondering, had they not scrapped the idea, if the Ronald Reagan hologram the Republican’s planned to have at their convention was programmed to say “Vote for Mitt” or perhaps it was destined to utter a more effective, vote eliciting declaration such as “Mr. Goodell, tear down that wall!”


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Nike can't sneak anything buy us

First appeared on August 30th, 2012
in the Lebanon Reporter

LeBron James is the best basketball player on the planet, a three time MVP, NBA Champion, Olympic Gold Medalist and yet remains largely a public relations disaster. When news broke recently that Nike would unveil James’ latest shoe (dubbed “Signature X”) for a retail price of $300 Shoeheads everywhere eagerly rubbed their hands together while the rest of us, you know those with real jobs who have bills to pay and kids to feed, were left scratching our heads.

The last thing LeBron needed was another reason for John Q. Public to loathe him. All this after he'd done so much to heal his reputation. He'd said and done all the right things since the "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" debacle left him flat on his back with two black eyes. He'd finally dominated the playoffs in the way so many deemed him incapable of. He captured his first NBA Title and won his third MVP trophy with humility. He even showed a measureable level of maturity after taking a backseat for much of the Olympics without complaint. And now this.

Aside from the 1930’s and Washington’s winter at Valley Forge, has there ever been a worse possible time to ask $300 for a shoe? With unemployment at 8.2% and an estimated 15 million American children living in poverty, how can Nike justify charging $300 for this shoe? It’s especially unnerving considering they were more than likely put together in some unventilated ramshackle aluminum shed by Vietnamese children being paid in McDonald’s coupons.

Perhaps the more pressing issue here is just who exactly is in the market for a $300 shoe anyway? Clearly Forbes Magazine said it best when they surmised wearing the right pair of sneakers can “make you look something else: rich.” And if you count yourself amongst the throngs of other twenty somethings trying to “look rich”, just remember layaway was originally meant to assist struggling families during the Great Depression, not for you to blow a month’s salary on a tennis shoe. Especially when that money could be used to keep the lights on your house; you know the same one your parents call the basement.

And if you count yourself amongst the famed 1% who actually have $300 to flush on a tennis shoe that will be cool only as long as it takes Nike to release someone else’s new shoe, then perhaps the Pintando Pasas by Converse is the more responsible choice. These are shipped to a rural Mexican village where kids decorate them before sending them back to the U.S. where they’re sold for around $300. And while you’ll probably get laughed off the court should you show up calling “next game” wearing them, the silver lining around the Pintando Pasas is that the shoe benefits a youth art program in Mexico.

Basic economics tells us there’s a market for this shoe or Nike wouldn’t be pricing it as if it were made from leather recovered from the Tomb of King Tut. Unfortunately it appears to be just another example of the continued misadventures of American priorities. Either way little has changed for LeBron James. He remains a guy America is trying so hard to fall in love with despite the unfortunate knack he has for finding ways to make himself look really bad.

The answer is simple. We launch a Facebook campaign to convince those in the market for new athletic footwear to boycott Nike in favor of a more sensible option (Kangaroos), or we round up everyone who buys the “Signature X” and demand to see their tax returns.


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Calm Down Colts Fans

First appeared on August 23rd, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

At this time it might be a good idea for Colts Fans to take a deep breath, put down their glass of Kool aid and pause to reflect. Sure you dismantled the Rams 38-3 in the first Pre Season game of the year. Sure Andrew Luck threw a touchdown on his first unofficial NFL pass and sure he looked steady in his first unofficial outing as a Colt; but one must remember it was the Rams and it was the Preseason.

Sure your Colts hung tough with perennial AFC power Pittsburgh Sunday night as Andrew Luck’s solid decision making helped move the ball while the defense showed signs of being an animal unlike the one we’ve grown accustomed to watching lo these many years. But it was the preseason.

There are two reasons those outside the part-time pretend sports journalism world should not yet predict a Super Bowl season for Indianapolis. These are of course that their big win came courtesy of the Rams and it still is the Preseason. Another clear indicator nobody should attempt to hang a solid win prediction on this team is the fact the Colts saw almost every rostered player anyone outside Indianapolis could name leave town during the off season. This in itself should, not unlike the face of Joan Rivers, scream rebuilding.

St. Louis won just 2 games last year and is itself in the midst of a head coaching change. This means they’re probably not the measuring stick you want for your team; that is unless you’re aspiring to win 3 games or have set the goal of becoming the greatest Preseason football team in NFL history.

One probably shouldn’t read too much into the Pittsburgh outing either. There was an imbalance in urgency considering the Steelers are an established team while the Colts are largely a collection of unknowns beating each other’s brains out for 53 spots. However Indy’s play to this point has gone a long way to lifting the ominous cloud of doubt Peyton’s departure left hovering over Lucas Oil Stadium. But it shouldn’t dissipate it completely. We are talking about the Preseason after all. And there are no words in the English language strong enough to fully illustrate the level of insignificance NFL Preseason Football has achieved.

The Preseason is like blocking off four hours and finding the one babysitter able to pass most of your wife’s background checks before going out to watch that Academy Award winning film everyone has told you so much about only to sit through 4 straight weeks of previews for movies you’ll never see like “Weekend at Bernies 3” or “Weekend at Bernies 3 in 3D”.

And just when you thought there was no way they could make Preseason football more laughable; they have. The only reason more people aren’t up in arms about replacement officials right now is because nobody is watching right now. When the big lights come on, those of the regular season and Vegas, hard working fans will clamor for something other than licensed high school officials on the field.

So keep your perspective Colts Fans. You have a rookie quarterback and new head coach. You have a new offensive scheme and are completely overhauling your defense. These have never been (and aren’t likely to become) hallmarks of a Super Bowl Champion. And while it always feels good to win, it’s a fair bet Jim Irsay gutted his team to do more than just tweet “The Preseason rocks harder than Mick Jones on London Calling!”

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

America should parlay its olympic excellence

First appeared on August 10th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Ours is the most politically fractured, culturally inept and obese nation on Earth. And yet once every four years we find a way to pull it together and kick the rest of the world in the pants during the Summer Olympics. And London’s 2012 Games are shaping up to be no different.

We lead this summer’s overall medal count with 90 total; including 39 Gold. The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team brought gold home after avenging a World Cup loss to Japan and our ladies Water Polo team kept their heads above water long enough to secure their first ever gold medal. It was an American versus American final in Women’s Beach Volleyball which of course saw us win gold as the team of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings won their third straight (which came after having never lost a match in Olympic play).

This is of course all the more reason for the world to hate us. They hate us for Iraq and our two car garages, for pounding Nigeria 156-73 and for making every single major contribution to the world of technology in the last 100 years. They hate us for being a place where chasing ones dreams is encouraged and for boasting a selection of more than 1 television channel.

Ours is a nation full of fast food jockeys, dissatisfied office workers and professional politicians mixed with a handful of ambitious young athletes willing to dedicate themselves to becoming the best at what they do. Forget Democrats and Republicans, why not channel the energy and gusto of this last group into diplomacy? It only seems fitting that we should find a way to use our Olympic dominance to heal this begrimed view the world holds of us.

If Gabby Douglas were deployed as Special Envoy to Pyongyang then perhaps she could bring an end to the stalemate that has existed there since the 1950’s. If the Flying Squirrel tumbled her way onto the Korean Peninsula then simply flashing her gold medal and million dollar smile would be enough to bridge any differences lingering between South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak and whatever number Kim Jung the North Koreans are worshipping these days.

If Michael Phelps could swim to South Sudan (with a naval escort to protect him from Somali Pirates of course) then perhaps he could help combat the level of uncertainty that fledgling nation faces. Because it’s such a long road ahead for the world’s newest country they could use the services of a crafty champion who has stared down the improbable only to succeed. The 18 gold medals Phelps has racked up alone would be enough to both back an entire nation’s currency and make South Sudan the richest African nation overnight.

So wave your flag with pride and keep your Kleenexes at the ready. For you may need them the next time you hear somebody out there doesn’t like us, or perhaps when you find another American teenager atop the podium with the Star Spangled Banner showering down upon them. That magical instant you can read in their eyes. How for the first time in their life they fully understand what it means to be an American.

That as ugly, tragic and amazing as our history can be, we remain the most powerful nation on Earth. And while ours may not be the blueprint for diplomacy every nation wants to follow, nothing can shatter an American’s pride. Perhaps that’s where the hatred comes from; for over 200 years and counting we’ve been the rabbit the rest of the world hasn’t been able to catch.


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

A Real Man's Thoughts on the Olympics

First appeared on August 3rd, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

This one goes out to Real Men everywhere. Those who drink kerosene, belch fire and fart rocket fuel. The one’s who don’t consider a day complete until they’ve spit, scratched, cursed for no reason and blown something up. The one’s who sought professional counseling when Oprah took on the cattle industry and those who believe Roger Goodell is fast-tracking the wussification of America.

Real Men can’t be fooled. We realize until they’re replaced with “No Flavor” that low fat labels will always be a legal form of false advertising. NBC can’t fool us either. In this ultra sophisticated world of ours there is no way the Olympics can be broadcast in the same manner in which they were in 1992.

And so it was Real Men everywhere grilled a medium raw T-Bone, drenched it with sautéed mushrooms, grabbed a stick of butter from the fridge and sat down with a frozen mug filled with German inspiration to watch the Women’s Team Gymnastics finals Tuesday night. But what they saw instead was a travesty of broadcasting.

Real Men will unanimously agree the achievements of the newly dubbed “Fab Five” were both compelling and remarkable. The rub is the fact NBC went out of their way to fabricate a historic moment. After American Champion Jordyn Wieber had previously failed to qualify for the individual competition, the suits at Rockefeller saw an opportunity to create some history. Fans who tuned in were subjected to a heartfelt mini-documentary on Wieber’s rise and fall as an Olympian which culminated with a tease for the one chance Wieber had at rescuing her legacy from the jowls of humiliation.

It was a nice 3 minutes. The only issue here is that when NBC ran the “Can Jordyn Could Put Together that One Perfect Performance and Save Her Gold Medal Chances?” piece, she’d already done it; like 6 hours beforehand. NBC has to revisit business as usual. There is perhaps a small demographic who still huddle inside their homes beside their rotary phones avoiding any means of contact whatsoever to the outside world, all the while waiting until primetime to turn their televisions on like preprogrammed robots. But this group does not include many Real Men.

Real Men want to witness Olympic history. The Dream Team of ’92 completely embarrassing every team that was forced to take the court with them, Michael Phelps netting 8 Gold Medals in a single games or Kerry Strug’s dramatic vault which included an amazing landing with one good ankle. The trouble is for these to be authentic and memorable they also have to be spontaneous. They cannot be manufactured in the fashion NBC attempted Tuesday night. You cannot fabricate history, this is not a communist country or a Reality Television show.

So what is the solution you may ask? I have no idea. What I do know is that the rules are different now. After all any unemployed twenty something with a Smart Phone and access to someone who could actually afford tickets to an Olympic event can use a 140 character post on Twitter to bring the 70 year old industry that is television advertising to its knees.

So it’s not about hiding the fact the team representing the Isle of Man medaled in Synchronized Kayaking for a few hours, it’s about rethinking Olympic coverage. Broadcast it in Real Time, make the coverage straightforward and let history take its own course. Besides if Real Men have a plate of corn dogs and a Bloomin’ Onion garnished with deep fried butter chunks on their laps during the broadcast they won’t complain anyway.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams