Ready or Not, the NBA Playoffs are Here

First appeared on April 29, 2015
in The Lebanon Reporter

Like it or not the NBA Playoffs are here. An epically all too long crescendo to a painfully all too long regular season. Unfortunately for you the Playoffs are like a really bad movie you paid forty bucks to see in a drafty theatre dotted with unhappy toddlers and one gravel throated chain-smoker hacking up a lung. The hormones in the teenager behind you are telling him “must kick hole in back of seat” as a couple nearby snickers their way through a very dark and ultimately critical scene.

Still you hang on, through the four game sweeps, twenty point blowouts and inconsistent officiating, the predictable plot twists and token kiss between main characters who never saw themselves together. Others walk out when an unforeseen plot twist turns out to be a dream, but not you, you have invested so much time and money that even the great Chicago Fire wouldn't keep you from seeing the end.

You find no tangible reason for watching other than sports have a way of washing the stink of the real world off us; that and the latest season of “The Bachelor” is over. You fail at explaining to your wife that the Playoffs are a necessary evil because they’re the only truly reliable way of crowning a champion. Still, outside of elimination games, the NBA Playoffs fall well short of installing the heart pounding drama of March Madness.

The totality of the NCAA Tournament’s allure lies in its ability to capture those game seven moments in dozens of match ups spread out over a month’s time. Compare this to the NBA Playoffs which have you wading through two months or more of stagnant basketball peppered with small traces of suspense (see: the last two minutes of the Fourth Quarter). Still, it’s just enough to keep a sucker like you coming back time and time again.

March Madness plays well to Americans for its all you can eat qualities. It’s a buffet of basketball, a cornucopia of competition. And so you sit as only an American can, three day beard, pants unsnapped, gorging yourself until your hollow leg explodes and it looks like a freight train has hit a food truck in your living room. And then your wife suggests getting off the couch to spend more time with your son because when his teacher asked what his parents do for a living yesterday little Johnny stood up and told the class that his daddy watches basketball.

That’s what March Madness is. It’s death by basketball and the NBA Playoffs simply can’t stand next to it. Sure they dress the Playoffs up. Pipe in louder dance music and give out free tee-shirts; an adult large that won’t fit your three year old after one wash.

But there simply isn’t enough lipstick in a Macy’s warehouse to spice these things up. The NBA would be smart to offer a mid-season tournament. A single elimination affair set up exactly like the NCAA Tournament without openly admitting they’re trying to create something exactly like the NCAA Tournament.

They could call it the “February Frenzy” and sell millions in advertising. Instead of “One Shining Moment” they could offer fans “One Really Bright Moment”. Give the winner a first round bye in the Playoffs or the overall number one seed should they make it. For those that don’t, maybe an all expense paid trip to the Final Four would make sense, or at the very least a tee-shirt that fits.

In the meantime tuning into the Playoffs will remain just like a trip to the movies. There are absolutely no guarantees and no chance of getting your money back.


© 2015 Eric Walker Williams