Beyond the Land of Correctable Errors

First appeared on November 9th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Stress. Sleepless nights. Bags under the eyes. Worried about the tired voices crying out for change. You may think these words refer to embattled Colts coach Jim Caldwell, but in reality I’m actually talking about myself. For those who don’t read Who’s Who in Newborn America or Future U.S. Presidents Illustrated, my wife and I welcomed twin sons home a couple weeks ago and, as you can likely guess, much has changed since.

In the interest of full disclosure I’m admitting now that 3:30 a.m. feedings are the only reason I know who Matthew Lesko is. It was also during one of these blurry-eyed adventures that, whilst bathed in the flickering blue light of a muted television, the idea to get my wife a Robo-Stir for Christmas and outfit my mother-in-law in some Pajama Jeans came to me like the vision of a majestic White Buffalo charging through our dimly lit bedroom.

The unfortunate thing here is that as effective as the world of late night infomercials are at sneaking their way into our pocketbooks, they cannot offer any help to the 2011 Indianapolis Colts. Trust me, I’m pretty sure Jim Irsay has already looked into it. I think we can all agree the Magic Jack, Richard Simmons and the Juiceman are all practical commodities, but they are of no use to the Colts. And lord knows Irsay wants no part of the FlowBee.

While the longevity and consistency of Madam Cleo and Matthew Lesko have allowed both to stake their place on the Mt. Rushmore of bad late-late night TV, in the short time my sons were baking in the oven alone the Colts have fallen from their perch on the Mt. Rushmore of enviable NFL franchises. In 9 short months, the Colts have gone from a World Championship franchise with world class players and a state of the art front office to the dumpster-fire-like 0-7 shell of its former self they were the day my sons were born.

Unfortunately there is no “magic bullet” large enough for the Colts to pour their season into in order to blend it up into a better, more palatable form of itself. Instead they are only left to salvage what they can from what’s left of this campaign; or place everyone they have on the physically unable to perform list, sign a bunch of UPS drivers and begin negotiations with Andrew Luck’s agent.

The next three weeks are key if Caldwell is going to win another game as an NFL coach. If they lose the next two games (Home to Jacksonville, Bye, Home to Carolina) they will not win a game this year. After Carolina, 3 of their next 5 games are against current division leaders. In other words 3 of the next 5 games are against teams they would lose to 100 times out of 100.

This team is beyond the land of “correctable errors”. They are currently a runaway locomotive screaming through the depths of “soul searching” valley with no stations in sight along the way to “contemplation of retirement”-ville.

How strange would it be if the Colts headed into week 17 with an 0-15 record? Would Manning actually suit up and take the field to help them avoid an 0-16 season in much the same way Curtis Painter stepped in to help them forfeit their 16-0 season in 2009? Probably not, the Colts franchise is above records after all; or at least it was at one time.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams