Choosing 500 winner not as easy as I make it look

First appeared on May 20th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Predicting victory in the Indianapolis 500 is not easy and with 33 drivers to choose from the average sports fan may feel overwhelmed when attempting to do so. Normally we turn to experts for the answer in cases such as this, like maybe a Vegas bookie or perhaps an Indy Racing League beat writer. Instead, in the interest of making your life easier and giving me something to write about, let me offer now my own (unpublished) Idiots Guide to choosing the 500 winner.
If speed is your bag, which makes complete sense if you are a fan of racing (and if this is really the case you may want to stop reading now), then Helio Castroneves is the clear choice since he’s the fastest qualifier in the field at 224.864 miles per hour. This of course means, provided you could squeeze your family, all their luggage and Fido into Castroneves’ Dallara Honda for Spring Break, he could get you from Indy to Miami in just over 4 hours.
Perhaps you are a person who turns to their stomach whenever confronted with difficult decisions. If this is the case then let us now consider the fine cuisine of those countries represented by drivers in this year’s field. A few solid choices like Japan’s Hideki Mutoh, the French rookie Nelson Phillipe and a pair of Canadian drivers in Paul Tracy and Alex Tagliani stand out. So what is your stomach telling you? Sushi and Sake? Maybe cheese and wine? Or how about bacon and…more bacon? For you steak lovers there is always Castroneves who hails from Brazil which, we’re only guessing here, is the birthplace of the Brazillian Steakhouse.
One less proven method yet to catch on amongst legitimate odds makers is to choose the winning driver by totaling the number of vowels in their names. Mario Moraes and Oriol Servia are amongst a host of drivers who can boast six. But nobody (except Ryan Hunter-Reay if you support those controversial school districts out there still teaching children that Y is in fact a vowel) can beat Castroneves who carries a total of seven in his name.
Former champions are perhaps the most popular method for choosing race winners. While this year’s field may not compare with what we’ve seen in the past in terms of racers who’ve hoisted the Borg Warner trophy there are four who have taken the checkered flag at Indianapolis before. Dario Franchitti, Scott Dixon and Dan Wheldon boast not only 500 victories but they are also former Indy Racing League Champions. As impressive as this is however, does it really compare to Castroneves who has won both the 500 and Dancing with the Stars? Most will surely agree that’s like comparing a Pee Wee All Star Title to the World Series.
What all of this means is that, provided you are meat-eater who does not subscribe to the taboo belief that Y is a vowel, you should take a second mortgage out on your home tomorrow morning and put it all on Castroneves to be the one sporting the milk mustache come Sunday; or at least go to the money mover and take the kids to a Brazillian Steakhouse for dinner. Who knows, it might provide a comfortable setting to have that “Y is not a vowel” talk every parent dreads so much.
This column is meant to provide general information only and is not to be construed as an endorsement of gambling nor taken as legitimate advice for those choosing to do so. For specific information concerning gambling consult a sports bookie.