Right or Wrong: Let us give thanks

First appeared on November 25, 2015
in The Lebanon Reporter

Let us give thanks. Thanks to the Pilgrims with their drab frock coats and blunderbusses. Thanks to the natives who showed this desperate band of immigrants the tricks they would need to survive a brutal winter. Things like how to grow corn and track deer and the best places to find cheap gas and cigarettes.

And let us not forget the turkeys. A bird so good we eat him only once a year. Poor souls, who will, by the millions, give themselves up for us to celebrate the legendary triumphs of our ancestors. So how can it be that all this pomp and circumstance could be based on one big lie?
How could it be everything you were taught as kid is wrong? Historical truths that seemed the cornerstones of a nation suddenly dismissed. George Washington cutting down his cherry tree and Teddy Roosevelt inventing the Teddy Bear or the fact Donald Trump’s hair is real.

And so historians, who apparently have nothing better to do than sit around trying to prove other historians wrong, tell us the Pilgrims, forever the stalwarts of purity and righteousness, were not all devout Christians. They weren’t all nice to the natives and, at least when it came to their wardrobe, they didn’t all favor fifty different shades of gray.

They spoke of a government of, for and by the people and yet early on theirs was dominated by a religious elite. There were no cranberries, sweet potatoes or pumpkin pie at the first Thanksgiving, which leads most 7 year olds to wonder why you just can’t order a pizza.

For you this means it’s all been for nothing. Thirty plus years of bad football and choking down dry turkey as your Uncle Randy recounts the free throws he made to win that sectional game, all this over the bass beat of your father complaining about gas prices. And for what? For what historians would have us believe is a fake holiday?

So we’re left to decide for ourselves what we accept as truth and what we question. And at 5-6, can we really believe in the Indiana Hoosiers? A team that could easily boast wins over ranked opponents in Michigan, Iowa and Ohio State and yet had dropped 6 straight before downing Maryland last week.

A team one win away from strapping on their bowling shoes. And there, at the bottom of the schedule, a familiar foe awaits. Instead of finding two teams limping into an Oaken Bucket game hoping only to finish their seasons on a high note, a victory Saturday sends Indiana to their first bowl since George W. Bush was the Commander in Chief of Strategery. Meanwhile, Purdue arrives at 2-9 trying to jab a needle the size of a javelin into Kevin Wilson’s balloon.

These are not uncharted waters for the Hoosiers. This is not a New World. Still, can up really be up and down truly down? Was the Revolutionary War really fought against the British? Or could it have been three-foot tall aliens who just happened to fight using conventional European military tactics? These are the questions we’re forced to ask ourselves when historians tell us its entirely possible Lincoln never eclipsed 5’11, using blocks of wood in his boots instead to compensate for rabid insecurities.

So on this Thanksgiving, get out there and be the master of your own destiny. Believe in the unlikely, embrace the magic of your childhood or accept the so called conventional wisdom. Either way, it’s still a free country and nobody can dispute that. In the meantime just be careful believing in the Indiana Hoosiers because, revisionist history or not, they’ve let us down one too many times before.


© 2015 Eric Walker Williams

The Worm takes a spin on the Axis of Evil

First appeared on March 6th, 2013
in The Lebanon Reporter

Most people who call this great nation home are in agreement that greasy cheeseburgers taste good, President’s Day is not a holiday that screams “Let’s go buy a car!” and there is no better example of an oxymoron than the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Yet in this age where social media and popular culture are the accepted barometer for everything American perhaps it’s only fitting the Harlem Globetrotters, long time bastions of American culture and new to the scene political activists, dispatched Dennis Rodman to North Korea last week to extend an olive branch, albeit heavily tattooed and pierced, to Kim Jong Un.

It used to be the U.S. only exported cars and airplanes from factories filled with men who coached Little League and drank heavy beer and didn’t bellyache about having to work 12 hour shifts, but we’ve since moved on to Democracy and, perhaps worst of all, Dennis Rodman and Honey Boo-Boo.

Don’t get me wrong there was a time when Rodman was amazing. Hunter Orange hair and wedding dresses aside, anyone who can boast nearly 12,000 rebounds, two NBA Defensive Player of the Year Awards and five championship rings was clearly more than a million dollar sandbag holding the bench down. But like most, the Worm has struggled with the whole “riding off into the sunset” bit.

There are so many unanswered questions surrounding Rodman’s vacation in the land of the oppressed and home of the eternally intimidated. Considering Kim is an avid fan of basketball, we can assume the two spent hours dissecting the art of rebounding and flopping, as well as the most effective methods for staying out of Michael Jordan’s way on offense. But the world longs to know more. Did the two talk politics? What was Rodman’s motivation? And just how long did it take him to remove enough piercings to pass through airport security?

Of course the real problem with Rodman visiting Pyongyang isn’t necessarily that it legitimizes a rogue government, rather it’s the cartoonish perception the rest of the world will have of us. It does more damage to Americans than anyone else. I once met a man in Africa who was convinced, at one point or another, I’d been to the White House and met George W. Bush just as every other American had. It’s best we understand now the small flashes of American politics and culture that make it to the far corners of the Earth have the staying power of a “Brad and Angelina Forever” Tatoo.

Rodman’s vacation has prompted so much attention that Press Secretary Jay Carney took a clear line Monday by saying North Korea should “focus on the well-being of its own people, who have been starved, imprisoned and denied their human rights.” Of course any fears Washington has of Rodman’s visit to North Korea somehow sparking sympathetic feelings to any hard line the U.S. may need to establish later should only be justified if they’re convinced the majority of Americans look to celebrities who are no longer relevant for political advice; OK so it’s a safe assumption Washington is terrified.

Compounding matters Rodman made an uncomfortable appearance on Good Morning America where he drew a shockingly ineffective comparison between President Clinton’s infidelities and North Korean labor camps while waving his hands around like a magician and muttering “Guess What” about 350 times in a six minute interview with George Stephanopoulos.
Upon second glance perhaps North Korea and the Worm were made for each other. After all both are strange, hard to understand and it would seem Americans don’t have time for either one anyway.

© 2013 Eric Walker Williams