The Worm takes a spin on the Axis of Evil

First appeared on March 6th, 2013
in The Lebanon Reporter

Most people who call this great nation home are in agreement that greasy cheeseburgers taste good, President’s Day is not a holiday that screams “Let’s go buy a car!” and there is no better example of an oxymoron than the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Yet in this age where social media and popular culture are the accepted barometer for everything American perhaps it’s only fitting the Harlem Globetrotters, long time bastions of American culture and new to the scene political activists, dispatched Dennis Rodman to North Korea last week to extend an olive branch, albeit heavily tattooed and pierced, to Kim Jong Un.

It used to be the U.S. only exported cars and airplanes from factories filled with men who coached Little League and drank heavy beer and didn’t bellyache about having to work 12 hour shifts, but we’ve since moved on to Democracy and, perhaps worst of all, Dennis Rodman and Honey Boo-Boo.

Don’t get me wrong there was a time when Rodman was amazing. Hunter Orange hair and wedding dresses aside, anyone who can boast nearly 12,000 rebounds, two NBA Defensive Player of the Year Awards and five championship rings was clearly more than a million dollar sandbag holding the bench down. But like most, the Worm has struggled with the whole “riding off into the sunset” bit.

There are so many unanswered questions surrounding Rodman’s vacation in the land of the oppressed and home of the eternally intimidated. Considering Kim is an avid fan of basketball, we can assume the two spent hours dissecting the art of rebounding and flopping, as well as the most effective methods for staying out of Michael Jordan’s way on offense. But the world longs to know more. Did the two talk politics? What was Rodman’s motivation? And just how long did it take him to remove enough piercings to pass through airport security?

Of course the real problem with Rodman visiting Pyongyang isn’t necessarily that it legitimizes a rogue government, rather it’s the cartoonish perception the rest of the world will have of us. It does more damage to Americans than anyone else. I once met a man in Africa who was convinced, at one point or another, I’d been to the White House and met George W. Bush just as every other American had. It’s best we understand now the small flashes of American politics and culture that make it to the far corners of the Earth have the staying power of a “Brad and Angelina Forever” Tatoo.

Rodman’s vacation has prompted so much attention that Press Secretary Jay Carney took a clear line Monday by saying North Korea should “focus on the well-being of its own people, who have been starved, imprisoned and denied their human rights.” Of course any fears Washington has of Rodman’s visit to North Korea somehow sparking sympathetic feelings to any hard line the U.S. may need to establish later should only be justified if they’re convinced the majority of Americans look to celebrities who are no longer relevant for political advice; OK so it’s a safe assumption Washington is terrified.

Compounding matters Rodman made an uncomfortable appearance on Good Morning America where he drew a shockingly ineffective comparison between President Clinton’s infidelities and North Korean labor camps while waving his hands around like a magician and muttering “Guess What” about 350 times in a six minute interview with George Stephanopoulos.
Upon second glance perhaps North Korea and the Worm were made for each other. After all both are strange, hard to understand and it would seem Americans don’t have time for either one anyway.

© 2013 Eric Walker Williams

What now Commissar Goodell?

First appeared on September 13th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Upon further review, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's suspension of 4 players for the Bounty Gate fiasco has been reversed. This remarkable decision tells us either the evidence the NFL had doesn’t warrant the suspensions handed down, or it’s yet another clear sign the authoritarian regime Goodell has so meticulously created is another work stoppage or reversed decision away from spiraling into another Iraq.

For good reason he remains an insulated figure operating under a cloak of secrecy as both players and owners have taken to social media to openly question many decisions he has made in the past.

Americans love Goodell for being cocksure and an indefatigable warrior for truth whose blisters pus toughness; he’s John Wayne in a $300 suit. Fans of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc get teary eyed and wax poetic over his propensity for being heavy handed and uncompromising. Goodell’s approach has made him more commissar than commissioner and he remains the closest thing we have left to a Cold War Era dictator.

But, just as any good communist regime before him, Goodell’s world seems to be crumbling. The off season saw the NFL uncover one of the ugliest scandals in its history and, on a somewhat less significant note according to the league, the NFL Referees have undertaken their own Perestroika movement.

The time has come for Commissar Goodell to do some real soul searching. Is he destined to become the Mikhail Gorbachev of professional sports or is he going to fill the void and become the iron fisted ruler the world is so sorely missing. Now is not the time for compromise; after all, Glastnost did bring a Super Power to its knees. And if the Soviet Union has taught us anything it’s that nobody can look cool in an Ushanka hat and giving people a more open government doesn’t always translate to world domination.

Forget fines and suspensions. The North Korean government used to force citizens to pack their sports arenas to witness public executions. 50,000 men, women and children all clad in the most depressing shade of gray possible while sitting on the edge of their seats under a monotone voice droning over a crackling loudspeaker. Something about the sanctity of the State being compromised because someone had the audacity to jaywalk during rush hour. I don’t see any wardrobe malfunctions in the NFL’s future should Goodell adopt this policy for helmet to helmet contact.

So now the media wants full access to the Bounty Gate evidence and the phones in New York are ringing nonstop with frantic calls from Junior High Athletic Director’s everywhere begging for their referees back. And when the people call for change or demand answers the commissar must act.

What Goodell really needs most now is a convenient distraction. The NBA Lock Out was a godsend, but that league is currently on the rebound. He must remember that an uprising or highly public purging of your once most loyal underlings isn’t always a bad thing. In this case however Goodell might be surprised at the reaction should he simply announce that compromise is on the horizon before invading a smaller country.

In the meantime the Commissar will consider his options and we will eat unhealthy food and watch football. Still we are left wondering, had they not scrapped the idea, if the Ronald Reagan hologram the Republican’s planned to have at their convention was programmed to say “Vote for Mitt” or perhaps it was destined to utter a more effective, vote eliciting declaration such as “Mr. Goodell, tear down that wall!”


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams