Right or Wrong: Let us give thanks

First appeared on November 25, 2015
in The Lebanon Reporter

Let us give thanks. Thanks to the Pilgrims with their drab frock coats and blunderbusses. Thanks to the natives who showed this desperate band of immigrants the tricks they would need to survive a brutal winter. Things like how to grow corn and track deer and the best places to find cheap gas and cigarettes.

And let us not forget the turkeys. A bird so good we eat him only once a year. Poor souls, who will, by the millions, give themselves up for us to celebrate the legendary triumphs of our ancestors. So how can it be that all this pomp and circumstance could be based on one big lie?
How could it be everything you were taught as kid is wrong? Historical truths that seemed the cornerstones of a nation suddenly dismissed. George Washington cutting down his cherry tree and Teddy Roosevelt inventing the Teddy Bear or the fact Donald Trump’s hair is real.

And so historians, who apparently have nothing better to do than sit around trying to prove other historians wrong, tell us the Pilgrims, forever the stalwarts of purity and righteousness, were not all devout Christians. They weren’t all nice to the natives and, at least when it came to their wardrobe, they didn’t all favor fifty different shades of gray.

They spoke of a government of, for and by the people and yet early on theirs was dominated by a religious elite. There were no cranberries, sweet potatoes or pumpkin pie at the first Thanksgiving, which leads most 7 year olds to wonder why you just can’t order a pizza.

For you this means it’s all been for nothing. Thirty plus years of bad football and choking down dry turkey as your Uncle Randy recounts the free throws he made to win that sectional game, all this over the bass beat of your father complaining about gas prices. And for what? For what historians would have us believe is a fake holiday?

So we’re left to decide for ourselves what we accept as truth and what we question. And at 5-6, can we really believe in the Indiana Hoosiers? A team that could easily boast wins over ranked opponents in Michigan, Iowa and Ohio State and yet had dropped 6 straight before downing Maryland last week.

A team one win away from strapping on their bowling shoes. And there, at the bottom of the schedule, a familiar foe awaits. Instead of finding two teams limping into an Oaken Bucket game hoping only to finish their seasons on a high note, a victory Saturday sends Indiana to their first bowl since George W. Bush was the Commander in Chief of Strategery. Meanwhile, Purdue arrives at 2-9 trying to jab a needle the size of a javelin into Kevin Wilson’s balloon.

These are not uncharted waters for the Hoosiers. This is not a New World. Still, can up really be up and down truly down? Was the Revolutionary War really fought against the British? Or could it have been three-foot tall aliens who just happened to fight using conventional European military tactics? These are the questions we’re forced to ask ourselves when historians tell us its entirely possible Lincoln never eclipsed 5’11, using blocks of wood in his boots instead to compensate for rabid insecurities.

So on this Thanksgiving, get out there and be the master of your own destiny. Believe in the unlikely, embrace the magic of your childhood or accept the so called conventional wisdom. Either way, it’s still a free country and nobody can dispute that. In the meantime just be careful believing in the Indiana Hoosiers because, revisionist history or not, they’ve let us down one too many times before.


© 2015 Eric Walker Williams

Oh Danny Boy...Saturday is a must win for you.

First appeared on November 12th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

One can be certain there were many things Purdue’s rookie Head Coach Danny Hope expected to say in his first year. Tired phrases like “This was a learning experience” or “We demonstrated improvement” or perhaps even, “You throw the records out for the Oaken Bucket”. But surely not even Danny Hope himself, nor even the most optimistic of optimists for that matter, and yes this includes the President of the Optimists Club of West Lafayette should he be reading this now over his mug half full of steaming hot coffee, ever expected to be using the words “must win game” during Purdue’s 2009 football season. But that being said, sure as Nancy Pelosi rammed health care down the throats of the House last week, this Saturday’s match up at Ross Aide Stadium with Michigan State is just that. A must win game.
While the Big Ten was falling in love with that fickle temptress Iowa, Purdue was quietly overachieving; well overachieving as much as is possible while still having a 4-6 record. Purdue’s season can be summed up in a few words: inconsistent, amazing, ugly and baffling. Danny Hope rode in with zero expectations for year 1 and is suddenly two wins away from bowl eligibility. Somehow it all happened so quickly, almost as quick as Endora could turn her son-in-law Darren Stephens into an uninspired and overweight Tabby cat.
Of course Samantha could always fix the problem with a wiggle of her adorable little nose. Unfortunately for Danny Hope, when Sparty comes to West Lafayette Saturday it will take more than the wiggle of a witch’s nose to get the job done. On paper things don’t look good for Purdue, but when was the last time they did? While both teams are 3-3 in conference play, State has one of the top ranked offenses in the Big Ten and is the overall leader in total yardage. Conversely Purdue’s defense is not amongst the top ranked and leads in almost no categories.
Proverbially putting the cart before the horse for a moment, Purdue finishes the year in Bloomington. Imagine for a moment the possibility of a sexy Oaken Bucket game the outcome of which could propel the Boilers to a bowl bid. The drama that would exist if the Indiana Hoosiers were the only thing standing in Purdue’s path to a bowl game (wait, we’ve already been down that road haven’t we?).
Somehow Hope has to find a way to bury that talk for a week. Purdue needs to focus all its energies on beating Michigan State or this year simply goes down as “The last time we beat Michigan”. A forgotten season only to be revisited when the dust gets blown off the scrapbook 43 years from now as young wide-eyed Boiler fans want to learn more about the last Purdue team to win in the Big House.
The next two weeks possess multiple possibilities and still somehow the Boiler program lacks energy overall. From his slammed baseball cap and spread offense all the way down to his cowcatcher of a mustache, Hope is seen simply as a clone of Joe Tiller (by the way Danny-Magnum P.I. called, he wants his stache back). Hope has his work cut out for him if he wishes to escape the stereotype of being Joe Tiller Jr. Boiler fans somehow grew weary of Tiller’s perpetual bowl berths, so the pressure is on for Hope to carve out his own identity while winning enough games to keep his job simultaneously. Beating Michigan State Saturday would definitely be a step in the right direction.