Indiana and Purdue heading in opposite directions

First appeared on February 6th, 2015
in The Lebanon Reporter

Short people unite! Unite in an effort to reach items from the top shelf in the grocery store without knocking five other things off in the process, unite in the spirit of the young Eddie Gaedels’ and Herve Villechaizes’ everywhere, unite for the common defense of your kingdom full of mushroom shaped houses and half naked blue people.

Unite as the Purdue Boilermakers continue waging their war upon players blessed with inferior size. In a game that has mimicked the NBA by becoming increasingly smaller and more athletic, Purdue is quietly finding success going against the grain. While staying true to his core principles of a strong perimeter defense, Matt Painter has also ripped a page out of yesteryear by fielding a team with Wooden-like size.

Despite some early stumbles, Painter’s bunch seems to have finally embraced the role of bully on the block. Against Indiana especially, AJ Hammons and Isaac Haas looked out of place; almost like a tag team duo of Andre the Giant and Godzilla. Bullying their way to the basket with defenders bouncing off one after the other, the dynamic duo absorbed so much of Indiana’s defensive attention that several other Boilers, the ones who don’t look like Yao Ming stunt doubles, were able to worm their way to the goal with ease.

What Hammons and Haas did to Indiana a week ago was almost inhumane, bordered upon cruel and is illegal in 49 of the 50 states (last we checked the Ned Beatty Bill was still being debated in the Georgia State Senate). The impressive win also seemed to wake a sleeping giant (pun fully intended) as the Boilers have gone on to win three straight, including Wednesday night’s victory over another nationally ranked opponent in Ohio State.

But it all started a week ago by drumming Indiana in a game that kept Purdue’s season alive. It was also a victory Painter likely needed to avoid finding an email in his inbox with the subject line: “Pick up change of address form”. And while Hammons and Haas have anchored the interior, off-season transfer Jon Octeus has been a pleasant surprise as a defender with length and athleticism as well as a point guard who brings an attitude to the floor.

And while the win has injected life into Painter’s team, the opposite can be said for Tom Crean’s Indiana Hoosiers. Losers of 3 out of their last 4, Indiana suddenly finds themselves in a similar position to Purdue a week ago. In fact, it’s almost as if the two have passed each other on an escalator.

Indiana had spent much of their year riding the up escalator, but for some reason have changed their minds and hopped the rail. The Hoosiers knew coming in to the season their lack of size would present challenges. Unfortunately this has never been more apparent than this past week as Purdue manhandled the Hoosiers before Wisconsin flirted with embarrassing them. Things were so bad that, five minutes into the Purdue game, short men everywhere quietly slipped into the restroom to stuff more folded up paper towel into the bottoms of their shoes.

So now Indiana finds themselves fighting to get off the down escalator. Sunday’s date with Michigan suddenly has ‘must win’ written all over it with a road trip to Maryland and home date against Purdue looming on the horizon.
With all eyes on the up escalator, one has to wonder where it leads. It could be the NCAA Tournament, it could be the home house wares section of Kohl’s. The down escalator is a far different story. The down escalator is crowded with empty wallets, angry shoppers and screaming kids. The Down escalator is a comfortable ride to nowhere and remains the one place Tom Crean and Matt Painter can’t afford to be.

© 2015 Eric Walker Williams

BEWARE: Bad Basketball Ahead

First appeared on December 11, 2014 in
The Lebanon Reporter

So David stood lock kneed and jaw set, stones in hand. Goliath loomed over him as the undefeated heavyweight champion of the Philistines, menacing scowl, bloodthirsty eyes and a frame large enough for ten men. And surely, at some point, David was thinking, “There’s no way this is going to work out.”

From the stands fish and loaves vendors wandered a sea of beige tunics as spectators stopped complaining about seven dollar hot dogs long enough to snort, “A rock? Really? Who brings a rock to fight Goliath?”

If you know the mascot of the New Jersey Institute of Technology (NJIT), Eastern Washington or North Florida then you should be pretending to be a sports columnist instead of me. And don’t worry, I’ve set the bar incredibly low so things should work out for you just fine. Of course what the NJIT Highlanders, North Florida Ospreys and Eastern Washington Eagles all have in common, other than the widespread publicity this column offers, is relative obscurity, entry level Division One status and the fact they’ve all beaten a Big Ten team this year.

The question isn’t how these schools can slay larger Division One programs, rather its why larger Division One programs continue playing these schools. Half of Indiana’s first ten opponents are so obscure and unknown their school names alone would challenge the most knowledgeable of U.S. geography buffs.

This in the name of 20 wins. And what does it really mean to win 20 games when half of them come against teams whose entire fan base could share the same Sprint Family Plan? Directional schools with names that appear to have been chosen by blindly dumping a Scrabble bag out and picking up the first four tiles to hit the table.

If college athletics is about television money, then someone needs to explain these tremendously weak out of conference schedules. Schedules that give us excruciating match ups that, excusing the random upset, generally spiral into glorified intra-squad scrimmages replete with terrible defense and a lifetimes worth of incomplete alley-oop passes. For their part the announcers do their best to spur viewer interest, digging up nuggets like the third cousin of the school’s first president was the man who sold John Wilkes Booth his fabled Philadelphia Deringer. Or they gush over the winning mentality the coach has instilled in his little program that could, this moments before the control room flashes his 143-287 record across the screen.

And don't rely on the coaches for they will only explain away their ridiculous schedules. They’re about exposure for former assistants or getting a player closer to home where they can play in front of friends and family. This comes as little consolation to fans. You know, the ones subjected to some really ugly games and truly bad basketball.

Justifying this scheduling is a fruitless endeavor. Some things are best left to discover on one’s own. For we adults this includes our faith and political persuasions, for three year olds it’s coming to the realization a toilet is in fact a germ magnet and not a giant empty bowl of Spaghettios or magic portal capable of producing Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny with each flush.

So NJIT stood toe to toe with mighty Michigan, just as David did so long ago. And while David’s victory would propel him to the throne, NJIT will most likely be forgotten before March arrives. What can’t be forgotten is the fact we as fans deserve more. We deserve a constitution of college basketball. One that guarantees equality amongst all schools and conferences, quality play and challenging match ups, or at the very least opponents we can find on a map.

© 2014 Eric Walker Williams

Big Issues for the Big Ten

First appeared on October 16, 2014
in The Lebanon Reporter

Dear College Football Experts,

Hello, my name is the Big Ten Conference. Recently, I’ve heard a lot about these so-called glaring deficiencies destined to send me spiraling down a path towards humiliation and national disgrace. I’ll be honest, it’s a lot to take, this constant belittling and the nonstop comparisons to the other power conferences. And I’m not afraid to admit that one coping mechanism my therapist suggested was reaching out to you so that we might find common ground.

I guess I’ll start by facing the elephant in the room. Just exactly why do you hate me? I believe that being the oldest conference in Division One sports should account for something. Where I come from, a place where God fearing people still have faith in Washington and families eat meals with the television off, we respect our elders.

So you’ve got some newfangled four team playoff system you’re shoving down everyone’s throats and somehow I’m supposed to be a major player in it. And now that my preseason Heisman candidate is done for the year and none of my teams can seem to keep pace with the best of the SEC, the sports world wants to look down their collective noses at me? Awesome.

Let’s not forget, I never pretended to be the football power conference you made me out to be. After all, how can anyone expect me to compete when I don’t get the best recruits money can buy? And, yes that was meant to be a literal cliché. Besides, my students have been busy doing amazing things off the grid iron. Things like becoming President, walking on the moon and being Cindy Crawford.

See, in the Big Ten we’re about tradition. Traditions like the Old Oaken Bucket, Paul Bunyan’s Axe and repeatedly coming up short in National Championship games. That last part might be what my therapist refers to as a ‘Freudian slip’. At any rate, when people say we need to care more about your four team playoff system or find new ways to evolve because we’ve fallen behind, we just smile and wave because that’s how we in the Midwest were taught to deal with criticism.

As the proud parent of 14 beautiful institutions, it’s very hard to sit by idly while you drag my family through the mud. When you’re left to play god with college football by telling us who can and can’t participate in your four team dog and pony show, the result will be counterproductive.

You’ll unintentionally breed an entire generation of fans who long for the unattainable spotlight, thus trivializing the accomplishments of those regional schools they follow. In other words, not everyone can be Gerald Ford, Neil Armstrong and Cindy Crawford, so why not learn to celebrate joy in your own life where it exists? Don’t worry, I won’t charge you $75 an hour for that advice.

So yes, I’m writing you today to concede I’m old fashioned. However, I’m also loyal at the same time. And while these things may fall flat with the cool kids and won’t qualify me for your four team playoff, over the years they’ve garnered the support of throngs of diehard fans. Fans who consider themselves part of a larger family. And you, with your panel of experts and supercomputers that have never tailgated before a game at “The Big House”, will never understand what we dinosaurs in the Midwest came to realize a long time ago. That time with family will always carry you further than the spotlight of any national stage possibly could.

Yours truly,

The Big Ten Conference


© 2014 Eric Walker Williams

Now that they're awake, Hoosier fans want more

First appeared on September 24, 2014
in The Lebanon Reporter

The state of football in Bloomington and West Lafayette is exceptionally unclear. And by “exceptionally unclear” here we mean something on the level of the leader of a world power admitting to his constituency that he doesn’t have a plan for one of the largest threats currently facing the world.

And while ISIS has been busy conquering land in the Middle East few cared about or lived on anyway, Darrell Hazell and Kevin Wilson seemed to be in a footrace for the unemployment line. All this changed Saturday when Wilson’s Hoosiers upset nationally ranked Missouri on the road. One win a job doesn’t save, but it does buy him a heck of a lot more rope and propels Hazel into a clear lead. And while it’s a race Darrell Hazel doesn’t want to win, at this point he seems willing and able to take a win wherever he can find it.

The Hoosiers should be 3-0. Instead a disappointing loss at Bowling Green sends them into Big Ten play with a 2-1 record. And while they won’t play Wisconsin this year (this is the point in the column where Badger fans will pause to lament waiting another year for their chance to set an NCAA single game rushing record), the Big Ten schedule won’t be easy either.

Still Indiana will play two programs, Ohio State and Michigan, which appear to be in full-fledged free-fall mode. Throw in North Texas and Hazell’s Boilermakers and what you have is a group that seems to offer three winnable games for the Hoosiers. Especially if their defense is going to consistently perform at the level they reached Saturday.

And while Kevin Wilson seems to have several arrows aligned, there still remains little to no buzz surrounding his program. This likely speaks more to the coach than his football team. In the 21st century a head coach, especially one daring enough to wade into college athletics, needs to be have an enormous business card.

They’re expected to have more than just a great mind for the game. They need to be charismatic masters of time management. They need to be innovative and creative, well schooled in their discipline as well as polished speakers and, in what few hours are left in a day, attempt to be a father figure to dozens of young men. They are one part expert in their sport, three parts used car salesman.

By setting 22 school records in three short years, Kevin Wilson has proven himself an offensive genius, but he falls well short of the mark in salesmanship (see asking the band to stop playing during offensive possessions). He rode the wave any coaching change creates, but has done little to endear himself to Hoosier fans since. Of course, winning changes everything; especially when nationally ranked teams are involved.

Still, this is Wilson’s first major win in three years which is why Hoosier fans still can’t be certain what they have. The elephant in the room has long been defining success for football in Bloomington. Wilson’s teams have been ultra-competitive with the best in the conference (the lone, glaring exception being Wisconsin), but they’ve also looked disconnected and disinterested against teams they should beat by 30.

In the end, all Saturday likely did was stir drowsy Indiana fans from their slumber. And now that they’re awake, they’re left to decide if posting 500 yards and 6 touchdowns in a three point loss is enough to keep them coming back. Or do they long for more? And if it’s more they want, is Kevin Wilson the man for the job?

© 2014 Eric Walker Williams

Proof in the Pudding Sweet for Big Ten

First appeared on March 27th, 2013
in The Lebanon Reporter

When I was 14 I saw Rex Chapman in the Indiana-Kentucky All Star Game. After it was over I asked Kentucky’s Mr. Basketball for his autograph and he punched my dad in the face and burnt down the orphanage for handicapped Somali children my parents ran out of their home. OK-so maybe that didn’t happen exactly as I recall, but for a myriad of reasons I did learn to loathe Chapman while he was at Kentucky.

Who knows where my Rex-o-phobia began, perhaps it’s simply the hatred for Kentucky that, like a love for anything breaded and deep fried, comes to Hoosiers naturally. More likely it’s, despite our similar age and love of basketball, Chapman was a high school All Star, Division one stand out and 10 plus year veteran of the NBA and I clearly was not.

But recently Rex erased any doubt of my overall disdain for him when the former Kentucky Wildcat said the Big Ten was “overrated” and the Big East was “the best conference in America”. This affront led me to settle things in true Hoosier fashion; one on one with Rex Chapman.

Arranging a game with Chapman wouldn’t be easy considering getting him back in Indiana would probably be the equivalent of helping Robert E. Lee book a vacation to Gettysburg or asking Magic Johnson to come back to late night TV. Ours would be a virtual tussle.
Chapman made millions in the NBA and has a job as an analyst on the Tru TV Halftime show. In between diaper changes and my many other duties as a patriotic American, I hammer out stories of debatable journalistic merit that the local paper uses as filler when things are so slow they’re unable to locate other, more relevant news. Advantage Chapman.

Chapman was a two time participant in the NBA Dunk Contest and I…well advantage Rex. Once sporting a proud hair helmet that was half mullet, half jerry-curl and entirely backwoods fabulous, Chapman has since moved on to the ever popular shaved head look so many aging sports stars subscribe to. Begrudgingly, advantage Chapman.

As for the picks, the part time pretend journalist in me wanted more information but after googling “Rex Chapman’s bracket” all that came up was some obscure fishing rod contraption Chapman may or may not have endorsed when money got tight after retiring from the NBA. I’d have to stick to his man-crush on the Big East.

After the first three rounds of the Men’s Tournament the Big East Conference has gone 6-5 while the Big Ten has posted a sparkling 10-3 record. Advantage me. Of these six wins, it should be noted two came from Marquette who could have lost twice if not for a boneheaded cross court pass and botched out of bounds play by Butler.

The Sweet 16 includes four Big Ten teams and three from the soon to be imploded Big East including the aforementioned Marquette and what’s left of their nine lives. Point me. According to CBS.com the Big Ten’s conference RPI is second only to the Mountain West; and while I’m no mathematician and haven’t studied the full list, I’m fairly certain this places the Big Ten ahead of the Big East. Advantage clearly me.

So we stand eye to eye, score knotted at 3. Thursday’s showdown between Indiana and Syracuse looms featuring two legendary programs. And, because we’re both too out of shape to continue, Chapman offers the couch on his front porch and we agree to let it ride on Thursday’s Big Ten/Big East face off. Winner takes all, once and for all.

© 2013 Eric Walker Williams