Sure Signs the World is Ending

First appeared on February 29th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

“It’s the end of the world as we know it” or so Michael Stipe of R.E.M. fame once so fortuitously crooned and while, for R.E.M. at least, it appears to literally be the end after announcing their retirement, the rest of us remain skeptical when it comes to the end of days. But even if the best you can say is that you have a second cousin who is 1/25th Mayan, the dire 2012 prediction of their calendar does have some concerned.

Count John C. Calleman among the “concerned”. He’s a world renowned expert on the Mayan Calendar who has been quoted widely on the subject. It’s hard to argue his work isn’t very important and deserving of a wider audience, especially for me considering I didn’t know anything about him until I googled “experts on the mayan calendar”.

Calleman’s website says the debate over the calendar’s prophecy is “pivotal for the future of humanity” which I found both enlightening and scarier than barefoot skiing across a lake of fire. It all called for a closer look at the world and I was shocked to discover that the end may in fact be near.

One sign we’re doomed is the fact a controversy stirring inappropriate gesture made during Madonna’s Super Bowl half time show didn’t come from her. Surely, if Madonna is as omniscient as we believe, she’d have revealed the end of man by riding a white horse across the stage shortly after M.I.A. decided to give the half of the world that owns a television set a shot of her middle finger in HD.

The Republican Party certainly realizes 2012 won’t end well. Halfway to a Presidential Election and they can’t find a nominee capable of spending his way to the front of the field? Of course when frogs start raining from the sky, the millionaire who opined for the death of Detroit will be the first in line for a government sponsored umbrella while the one who thinks all the cool kids are still wearing sweater vests will just smile and say “see, I tried to tell you so.”

Apparently the sports world isn’t apocalypse-proof either. Major League Baseball has to be concerned when they can’t suspend one of their biggest players for violating their biggest rule. When an arbitrator overruled Ryan Braun’s suspension for PED’s the decision rumbled across the sports world like the massive earthquakes that are soon to split the Earth open and swallow us all whole.

Perhaps they (Calleman, the Mayans and R.E.M.) are all right. After all, how else can you explain two coaches (Tubby Smith and Bruce Weber) clinging to jobs despite producing 3 straight 20 win seasons in the past? And these don’t include a 37 win season in Weber’s case. Perhaps, at least when it comes to Minneapolis and Champaign-Urbana, we’re too late and the super volcanoes have erupted, spewing so much toxic ash that these people can’t see they already have good basketball coaches.

The evidence for concern is all around us. A soon to be three-time loser steps into the spotlight and saves the season of one of the NBA’s most storied franchises. Young adults rioting in the streets while others pay upwards of $1,000 on EBAY-and for what? The chance to prance around the basement of their parent’s homes in their Nike Foamposite Galaxys?

Perhaps the surest sign the end of the world is nearing came in February when the job Indianapolis did hosting the Super Bowl actually drew compliments from people visiting from both Boston and New York. Now that’s clearly the sign that something strange is happening.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Time for Purdue Fans to do some Byrd-Watching

First appeared on February 16th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

By nature, birdwatchers are an optimistic bunch. Anyone willing to use the logging of a brief glimpse of a tail feather pattern or the gargled rhythm of a faint chirp as justification for countless hours on the hunt has to be brimming with optimism. Seven years ago it was an optimism of this sort that spurned a group headed by the Cornell Ornithology Department to embark on a yearlong search of the Cache River National Wildlife Refuge in Arkansas to find what they believed to be a single remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker.

T here was no reason for the Lord God Bird himself to be optimistic over the prospect of being found, after all the birding world had all but declared him extinct before the end of World War II (1945). All that remained were grainy memories of those lucky few who’d ever seen one in the wild. And those who did claim to have seen one were most often tossed in with fans of Sasquatch and the BCS.

Things were so glum the only hopes of ever seeing an Ivory-Bill take flight again seemed to rest in the possibility of bringing some yellowed truck stop taxidermy back to life or getting Al Gore to invent a time machine by calling upon all the wisdom and supernatural powers he harnessed while inventing the internet.
Clearly optimism for a return of the Lord God Bird was wilting until a 2004 sighting whipped the bird watching world into a frenzy. That’s the funny thing about optimism; it has a way of reinventing itself at the very moment you’ve decided there’s no reason to hang on to it.

At 5-6 in conference play the Purdue Boilermakers had no reason to be optimistic. Three other teams already had 9 conference wins and the wounds from their arch enemy pummeling them at home in front of a capacity crowd of disbelieving fans were barely starting to scab. With only one Boilermaker averaging double figures on the year, whatever optimism Matt Painter had for a second scorer to surface was on life support until sophomore wing DJ Byrd went into Columbus and lit the Ohio State Buckeyes up for 24 points. This break out performance included 7 three point bombs.

Byrd’s encore included his putting up 20 points and 4 assists against Northwestern Sunday night. This scoring was perhaps only bested by Byrd’s zero turnovers in 36 minutes of play. “I think everyone’s starting to understand what doing your job means”, Byrd said after his Boilers dispatched of the Wildcats at Mackey. The win brings Purdue to 16-9 overall and 6-6 in conference play. And while Byrd’s sudden knack for scoring has brought some optimism to Boiler land he has inadvertently placed whatever hope Purdue has of a tournament berth this season squarely upon his shoulders.

Let the scouting report reflect Byrd’s clearly demonstrated an ability to make open shots in the last two games. Adding this dimension should open things up for the slashing Lewis Jackson and senior stand out Rob Hummel. This could serve as a welcome boost to the Boiler offense which has sputtered for much of the Big Ten campaign.

And now that he’s stumbled upon a second scorer, the trick for Matt Painter is to find a way to get his Boilermakers to play consistent basketball the rest of the season. “We have to separate ourselves”, Byrd said of his team moving forward, “Every game from here on out is important”. Clearly Boilermaker fans wishing for a postseason would be wise to start doing a little “Byrd watching” of their own.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

The Block Heard Round the Big Ten

First appeared on February 8th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

The moment came inside of 3 minutes left to play. The record crowd at Mackey was raucous, frothing with anticipation. Purdue was busy erasing Indiana’s double figure lead and when Lewis Jackson came up with a steal at half court it seemed the final domino was destined to tumble.

His break away would have brought the Boilers to within 2, possibly 1 if fouled. It looked as if the Hoosier’s boat had taken on so much water that sinking was an inevitability. Everything was going Purdue’s way and then it happened. What came next is perhaps best described as the play that saved Indiana’s season.

Coming into Saturday night Indiana found themselves below .500 in Big Ten play, mired in a logjam in the middle of the conference. A stunner home to Minnesota, a heartbreaker at Nebraska and one they nearly stole at Michigan despite digging a 21 point hole undoubtedly still stuck in their craw as they headed for West Lafayette to tackle not only a difficult road test but their biggest rival as well. Yes, those scheduling gods are most definitely crazy.

Compounding matters was the sudden emergence of what had been a lifeless Boilermaker team. Inexplicably Purdue was charging hard and appeared destined to do what so many had done to Indiana over the last 2 years, steal one the Hoosiers deserved to win. And as both the game, and IU’s season, were seemingly swirling away all Tom Crean could do was pace back and forth helplessly on the rim of the toilet bowl clapping and tugging at his belt nervously while contemplating yet another substitution.

Then it happened. A moment Hoosier fans, nay Americans perhaps, will speak of for generations to come. Just as Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and that one French guy tight roped over Niagara Falls, so too, for one night and one brief moment in time, did Indiana’s sophomore forward Will Sheehey walk on air.

To say Sheehey flew is no exaggeration. With the diminutive Lewis Jackson racing towards the basket, and a rabid Paint Crew awaiting his arrival breathlessly, Sheehey came out of nowhere to spike Jackson’s layup attempt off the glass.
No that doesn’t do it justice. Sheehey didn’t just reject Jackson’s shot. Rather he flew from the hardwood of Keady Court as if sprung by a Broadway guide wire. It was as if Sheehey were wearing tights and a red cape instead of the Cream and Crimson as he absolutely pounded Lewis Jackson’s feeble layup attempt so hard off the glass that he apparently injured his own hand.
Not only was Purdue’s final chance at nibbling the Hoosier lead to 2 points erased but the spectacular play was made all the more impressive by Sheehey’s presence of mind to hammer the layup off the back board so that it stayed in play and was recovered by another hustling teammate.

In short the play saved the Hoosier’s season. Indiana’s GPS had them veering off the NCAA Tournament path and a loss at Purdue would have certainly sent them plunging into the wilderness of desperation, which by the way happens to border the Valley of the NIT.

But with Sheehey sealing a much needed win at Purdue, the Hoosiers can now steer themselves home safe in the knowledge that 3 of the next 4, and 4 of the final 6 conference games, will be played at Assembly Hall where they have only lost once this year. Yes it would seem, for the Hoosiers at least, good fortune rode in on the same wind that carried Will Sheehey airborne Saturday night.


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

All Hail! The Mighty Super Bowl has arrived

First appeared on February 1st, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Gather up now my Children of the Corn for the eyes of the world are upon you. Our sleepy little capital is no longer simply the crossroads of America. Instead, for one week at least, she is the crossroads of professional football and everything hip and now. The time for Super Bowl 46 has arrived which of course means it’s time for us to roll the welcome mat out. To brandish that legendary Hoosier Hospitality and live by the golden rule of Hoosiers everywhere: “Give unto others and expect only a condescending response in return”.

And for those visitors- welcome. Welcome New York Giants and, with a somewhat less than enthusiastic tone, New England Patriots. Welcome media members from coast to coast and anyone with enough money to afford to spend an entire week in a hotel charging Super Bowl rates. Welcome 400,000 people who have come to celebrate a game only 70,000 can attend.

Come one, come all. Give us your Chowder heads and Cheesecake-heads? Your Kim Kardashians and those Kim Kardashian look-a-likes hoping to find an endless supply of good hearted souls willing to cough up $250 for a photo opportunity.
Welcome to our little corner of the world. The land where welcome scarves are the equivalent of Hawaiian Leis and sandy beaches have been replaced with Astro-turfed sidewalks. Here you will find an army of volunteers ready to bowl you over with enthusiasm and accept your belittling sarcasm with a warm, ”I wish I could say what is really on my mind right now” smile.

So cast your fears aside ye new explorers of the fabled Circle City. Jump in with both feet for here you will find no tractors in the streets. Move forward knowing both that you will discover an event planned by the most meticulous of organizing committees and that at no point will Bobby Knight try to throw a chair at you.

Leave your stereotypes at the door. I can promise you Leslie Knope played no role in the planning of the Super Bowl and you will find Patricia Heaton in “The Middle” of nothing here. As a visitor to Indianapolis what you can expect to find is honest people who will do whatever they can to help you out. You will find open arms and warm smiles. You will find a people proud of their city and state. People who will swell with pride as they slap you on the back while telling you, “Close-but Madonna’s from Michigan, not Indiana.”

The NFL will tell you this is their party but Hoosiers everywhere know that every part of this week belongs to them. That’s why they’ll labor to ensure you enjoy every moment you spend in the birthplace of Fred Mertz.

So as you stand in the shadow of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument bracing yourself against the 40 mile an hour winds, let the debate begin as to which was the bigger coup: Indy getting the NFL to bring their Mardi Gras here or the NFL getting A List stars to book a flight to the Midwest in February.

And for those with an actual vested interest in the game, the time is near. The time to grab history, to grab lady opportunity by the arm or, in the case of Bill Belichick, to refuse to grab a welcome scarf. Stand up straight and say ‘fuzzy pickle’ Indianapolis-this is your finest hour.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Paul George is Amazing

First appeared on January 25th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Paul George is amazing. I’m fairly certain there isn’t anything the Pacers wing cannot do. At 6’8 and 215 he’s more versatile than an electric griddle. Need help rallying voters in Florida Mitt Romney? Call Paul George. Unsure of who to choose as your next coach Jim Irsay? Tweet Paul for help. And if Obama has any understanding of Mideast politics at all, he won’t hesitate to dispatch George there should Iran actually decide to blockade the Strait of Hormuz.

Flat out the guy can do anything. He can be a lock down defender both on the perimeter and in the post. He can beat his man off the dribble and he’s the Pacers most accurate 3 point shooter. He can both lead the fast break and finish one. He is also one of only two Pacers capable of creating their own shot (I know what you’re thinking and the answer is not Danny Granger).

After seeing Paul George play, no longer am I impressed by the fact the Egyptians were able to maneuver the 2 ton stones of their pyramids into place without the use of modern construction equipment. In fact, all the achievements of mankind combined pale in comparison to the things Paul George can do on the basketball court; and yes those achievements include the Slap Chop and capitalism.

And yet with all this talent it would seem the guy’s either really bashful or completely unaware of just how good he is because he continues to take a backseat to Danny Granger and the other Pacer veterans. Perhaps it’s a coaching issue, maybe George needs more plays called for him. The latter is a definite possibility, however after a fast 11-4 start Indiana has cemented the second spot in the Central Division while demonstrating clearly that moving away from Jim O’Brien and the days of launching an endless array of 25 foot bombs as if there were some invisible Great Wall of China strategically erected by the opponent along the three point line was a good idea.

But let us not be distracted by the failures of the last 10 years, the point here is George and his possible ascension to greatness. Of course in the spirit of any part time pretend Sports Columnist worth his salt, I have no statistical data whatsoever to back up my argument. However after predicting the short-lived popularity of Acid Wash Jeans and the end of NSYNC, I do boast a somewhat robust track record of prognostication.

Albert Einstein said “generations will scarce believe that one such as this walked the earth.” OK, so maybe he was talking about Gandhi, but that’s simply because Einstein never saw Paul George play. It may be unrealistic for Pacers fans to expect George to lead the league in scoring or jump the Snake River Canyon anytime soon, but it’s not out of the question to expect him to be an All Star within the next five years. He has all the tools, he has the motor, all he needs now is to be handed (or accept) the keys to the car.

Clearly for the Pacers to be more than just a pleasant surprise and eventual Chicago Bulls punching bag, George needs to elevate his play to the point he cements himself as Alpha Male of Indiana’s wolf pack. Speaking of wolves, in his new movie “The Grey” Liam Neeson is forced to fight off a rabid pack of Alaskan Wolves and, while I don’t want to give the ending away or anything, let’s just say I bet Neeson wished he had taken Paul George with him.


© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

This Time you can believe the Heat

First appeared on January 7th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Somebody needs to save the talking heads the trouble of arguing for six months (and us the trouble of listening to it) and just give LeBron James the MVP trophy right now. After just two weeks of a condensed NBA season James has been remarkable. And barring a fourth quarter meltdown he will be the hands down MVP (on second thought, we better wait).

Someday my 3 year old will stand in awe of the fact LeBron caught an alley oop before throwing another aley oop during the same alley oop. And when I tell him how I fed his twin brothers each a bottle while giving him a bath at the same time, he will look at me like I am a Yak that has wandered into a tailor shop asking to be sized for a double breasted suit.
Watching the Pacers take on the Heat Wednesday night it became clear to me how good Miami is. And before you ask, no I was not watching in South Beach where it was sunny and 75; rather I was watching from my recliner where it was overcast and unable to decide if it wants to feel like late January or early November.

The Heat stifled the Pacers in the second quarter allowing just 1 field goal while outscoring them 33-12 on their way to a 35 point win. More impressively, everything Miami did was without the other half of their dynamic duo Dwayne Wade who was sitting out with a sore foot.

After last year’s Finals I’ll admit I’d written Heat Head Coach Erik Spoelstra off for dead (which in ‘NBA speak’ simply means soon to be unemployed). Wednesday night it became vividly clear he’s reinvented himself and given his team new purpose. Still it’s hard to get past the fact that Spoelstra looks more like a guy who should be selling phones at the Verizon kiosk in the mall as opposed to one piloting a team chocked full of some of the best talent in professional basketball.

While he may not look like the crusty, humor-less, chain smoking gamblers we’re used to seeing prowl the sidelines in the NBA, it doesn’t mean the guy can’t coach. Somehow Spoelstra has been able to meld a commitment to defense within his group of superstars while also convincing LeBron James and Dwayne Wade that the key to their success lies within the paint, where they can take advantage of their crafty skills and superhuman physical abilities.

All apologies to the ”Lob” Angeles Clippers and Chicago Bulls* (* here denotes a team that is wildly overrated) but, barring any major injuries or colossal miscalculation by the Mayans which might result in the world ending sooner than December 21st, Miami will win the Title this year.

But it all begs the question. If the Heat win a Title, James wins the MVP and Spoelstra is named Coach of the Year, will anyone in South Florida really care? After all who can forget Miami is the land where rivers of Mimosa flow through pearl white beaches festooned with listing palm trees. A place where one can get an authentic Cuban (sandwich) and a good facelift in the same afternoon. A place where a guy can vacation without the nagging worry of unexpected snowstorms or Chinese organ thieves. All things considered, something tells me they’ve got far more things on their minds in June on South Beach than championship basketball.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Indiana MSU no rivalry now, but just wait

First appeared on December 31st, 2011 in The Lebanon Reporter
Ford vs. Chevy. Us vs. the Soviets. Kramer vs. Kramer. Elmer Fudd vs. Bugs Bunny. And, come November 2012, President Obama vs. someone the Republican Party really doesn’t want to nominate but at some point had to. We as American’s have a long history of being captivated by rivalries. They both fascinate and drive us. By nature we eat them up (and, as the most obese nation on Earth, apparently rivalries aren’t the only things we enjoy eating up).

When it comes to college basketball however Indiana vs. Michigan State doesn’t scream “rivalry” in any sense of the word. Fans of Indiana men’s basketball have come to appreciate rivalries. During the Bobby Knight era they learned to hate the General’s alma mater Ohio State and a jacket tossing, comb-over sporting Gene Keady only cemented their generational dislike for Purdue. More recently Hoosier fans failed to embrace the rivalries Kelvin Sampson tried to cultivate within the NCAA office of compliance.

But as for Michigan State, in the Tom Crean Era at least, the match up has been anything but a rivalry (for this to be the case Crean would actually have to win a game first). And before you blame everything on Coach Crean, the Hoosiers program has struggled for some time in East Lansing (their last win there coming during Bush the Firsts presidency). Clearly this can’t entirely be his fault, unless you factor in that many of those losses were dealt to the Hoosiers while Crean was on Tom Izzo’s bench, then it most likely is his fault.

But Wednesday night there was something lurking beneath the surface of the Big Ten opener. Something found beyond the 4 point 3 rebound performance of Super Frosh Cody Zeller and the fact Crean is now 0 for his life against his mentor (Izzo). Way past the fact sharpshooter Jordan Hulls likely had his worst shooting performance as a Hoosier, somewhere drifting far below the knowledge that the league’s best Sixth Man (arguably and Will Sheehey) did not play was the discovery that what we may have in Indiana Michigan State is a fast budding rivalry.

For example A that this is a budding rivalry consider the sight of both Izzo and Crean jumping around, veins popping in their necks and foreheads while throwing vicious uppercuts into the air as if they’d just finished Rex Kwondo’s eight week self-defense program for only $300 (as first seen on Napoleon Dynamite). This was a clear indicator that this December game was more than just a Big Ten opener.

One key ingredient in a rivalry is hatred and for the Indiana faithful there are numerous reasons to loath State. Beyond the fact Sparty has supplanted Indiana as the resident National Title contender in the conference, one Hoosier who was instrumental in making the last run for a Title in Bloomington is now on the bench in East Lansing (see Fife, Dane).

One must also remember Blue Chip recruit Gary Harris recently announced, after considering IU amongst a host of other schools, that he will take his talents north of the border and join Izzo. Harris is not the first recruit to choose State as currently there are 3 Hoosiers on Indiana’s roster including Brandon Wood who transferred from Valparaiso after scoring 1,000 points there. One thing remains clear. If this is to become a true rivalry, one capable of repeatedly generating the type of electricity we saw permeating the Breslin Center Wednesday night, Indiana will have to beat Michigan State. Their next opportunity comes on February 28th when Sparty travels to Assembly Hall.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams