Sure Signs the World is Ending

First appeared on February 29th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

“It’s the end of the world as we know it” or so Michael Stipe of R.E.M. fame once so fortuitously crooned and while, for R.E.M. at least, it appears to literally be the end after announcing their retirement, the rest of us remain skeptical when it comes to the end of days. But even if the best you can say is that you have a second cousin who is 1/25th Mayan, the dire 2012 prediction of their calendar does have some concerned.

Count John C. Calleman among the “concerned”. He’s a world renowned expert on the Mayan Calendar who has been quoted widely on the subject. It’s hard to argue his work isn’t very important and deserving of a wider audience, especially for me considering I didn’t know anything about him until I googled “experts on the mayan calendar”.

Calleman’s website says the debate over the calendar’s prophecy is “pivotal for the future of humanity” which I found both enlightening and scarier than barefoot skiing across a lake of fire. It all called for a closer look at the world and I was shocked to discover that the end may in fact be near.

One sign we’re doomed is the fact a controversy stirring inappropriate gesture made during Madonna’s Super Bowl half time show didn’t come from her. Surely, if Madonna is as omniscient as we believe, she’d have revealed the end of man by riding a white horse across the stage shortly after M.I.A. decided to give the half of the world that owns a television set a shot of her middle finger in HD.

The Republican Party certainly realizes 2012 won’t end well. Halfway to a Presidential Election and they can’t find a nominee capable of spending his way to the front of the field? Of course when frogs start raining from the sky, the millionaire who opined for the death of Detroit will be the first in line for a government sponsored umbrella while the one who thinks all the cool kids are still wearing sweater vests will just smile and say “see, I tried to tell you so.”

Apparently the sports world isn’t apocalypse-proof either. Major League Baseball has to be concerned when they can’t suspend one of their biggest players for violating their biggest rule. When an arbitrator overruled Ryan Braun’s suspension for PED’s the decision rumbled across the sports world like the massive earthquakes that are soon to split the Earth open and swallow us all whole.

Perhaps they (Calleman, the Mayans and R.E.M.) are all right. After all, how else can you explain two coaches (Tubby Smith and Bruce Weber) clinging to jobs despite producing 3 straight 20 win seasons in the past? And these don’t include a 37 win season in Weber’s case. Perhaps, at least when it comes to Minneapolis and Champaign-Urbana, we’re too late and the super volcanoes have erupted, spewing so much toxic ash that these people can’t see they already have good basketball coaches.

The evidence for concern is all around us. A soon to be three-time loser steps into the spotlight and saves the season of one of the NBA’s most storied franchises. Young adults rioting in the streets while others pay upwards of $1,000 on EBAY-and for what? The chance to prance around the basement of their parent’s homes in their Nike Foamposite Galaxys?

Perhaps the surest sign the end of the world is nearing came in February when the job Indianapolis did hosting the Super Bowl actually drew compliments from people visiting from both Boston and New York. Now that’s clearly the sign that something strange is happening.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

All Hail! The Mighty Super Bowl has arrived

First appeared on February 1st, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Gather up now my Children of the Corn for the eyes of the world are upon you. Our sleepy little capital is no longer simply the crossroads of America. Instead, for one week at least, she is the crossroads of professional football and everything hip and now. The time for Super Bowl 46 has arrived which of course means it’s time for us to roll the welcome mat out. To brandish that legendary Hoosier Hospitality and live by the golden rule of Hoosiers everywhere: “Give unto others and expect only a condescending response in return”.

And for those visitors- welcome. Welcome New York Giants and, with a somewhat less than enthusiastic tone, New England Patriots. Welcome media members from coast to coast and anyone with enough money to afford to spend an entire week in a hotel charging Super Bowl rates. Welcome 400,000 people who have come to celebrate a game only 70,000 can attend.

Come one, come all. Give us your Chowder heads and Cheesecake-heads? Your Kim Kardashians and those Kim Kardashian look-a-likes hoping to find an endless supply of good hearted souls willing to cough up $250 for a photo opportunity.
Welcome to our little corner of the world. The land where welcome scarves are the equivalent of Hawaiian Leis and sandy beaches have been replaced with Astro-turfed sidewalks. Here you will find an army of volunteers ready to bowl you over with enthusiasm and accept your belittling sarcasm with a warm, ”I wish I could say what is really on my mind right now” smile.

So cast your fears aside ye new explorers of the fabled Circle City. Jump in with both feet for here you will find no tractors in the streets. Move forward knowing both that you will discover an event planned by the most meticulous of organizing committees and that at no point will Bobby Knight try to throw a chair at you.

Leave your stereotypes at the door. I can promise you Leslie Knope played no role in the planning of the Super Bowl and you will find Patricia Heaton in “The Middle” of nothing here. As a visitor to Indianapolis what you can expect to find is honest people who will do whatever they can to help you out. You will find open arms and warm smiles. You will find a people proud of their city and state. People who will swell with pride as they slap you on the back while telling you, “Close-but Madonna’s from Michigan, not Indiana.”

The NFL will tell you this is their party but Hoosiers everywhere know that every part of this week belongs to them. That’s why they’ll labor to ensure you enjoy every moment you spend in the birthplace of Fred Mertz.

So as you stand in the shadow of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument bracing yourself against the 40 mile an hour winds, let the debate begin as to which was the bigger coup: Indy getting the NFL to bring their Mardi Gras here or the NFL getting A List stars to book a flight to the Midwest in February.

And for those with an actual vested interest in the game, the time is near. The time to grab history, to grab lady opportunity by the arm or, in the case of Bill Belichick, to refuse to grab a welcome scarf. Stand up straight and say ‘fuzzy pickle’ Indianapolis-this is your finest hour.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams