Can we take the 'Super' out of this Bowl Please?

First appeared on January 28th
in The Lebanon Reporter

The beat down the Indianapolis Colts suffered in the AFC Championship came as a public service reminder to Colts fans everywhere that the New England Patriots remain evil personified. The long faces, missed opportunities and inability run, throw, catch or even stop the football seemed strangely familiar. Perhaps more maddening than the Colts performance was knowing the eternally perplexed Bill Belichick had found yet another slimy way to push NFL rules to their limit.

Colts fans found solace in the fact Belichick appeared so miserable that surely he, along with every other person who’s ever worn clothing since the dawn of time, had decided his old friend the hooded sweatshirt was in fact a bad choice. This epiphany arrived only after a torrential rainstorm swept over Gillette Stadium during the third quarter of the AFC title game. Of course a rainstorm on a January night in New England also served to prove to a national television audience that global warming is in fact real and that, after all these years, the Colts still can’t run the football.

So as the Colt equipment managers were busy collecting the stray pieces of their team’s pride from the field, you found yourself attempting to shatter the awkward silence that had consumed your viewing party by asking if anyone wanted more nachos or felt like driving the fourteen hours to Foxboro in order to crush Belichick’s kneecaps. But in the end you realized, that as a Midwesterner, violence just isn’t in your blood so you microwaved another corndog before chewing on the same question fans of 29 other professional football teams are asking themselves; “What do we do now?”

What do you do when the Super Bowl offers a completely unpalatable match-up? New England will be playing in the sixth Super Bowl of the Belichick Era while Seattle will seek to become the first team to repeat as World Champion since Belichick’s Patriots a decade ago. For most, choosing between the Seahawks and Patriots will be like choosing between a punch in the stomach and a kick to that one place your Third Grade teacher told you was very special and only for you.

This leaves the average fan conflicted. For when you’re dog is out of the fight, it’s human nature to back the scrappiest one remaining, to root for the man in the white hat to ride in swiftly on his trusty steed and overcome evil in a generically non-violent, yet oddly believable way. The problem with Super Bowl XLIX is that it will be played indoors; therefore the forecast calls for a 100% chance of no scrappy dogs or white hats.

The Hoodie and Seahawks front man Pete Carroll both arrive with unwanted baggage (see Reggie Bush, Spygate and the proper inflation of a football per NFL rules). Furthermore its widely known the Patriots torture unwanted kittens in their free time and the Seahawks are in essence the same guy who stole your girlfriend in seventh grade and then again in high school; twice. In short, these two deserve each other.

So we as fans are left to wonder if it’s in fact possible for both teams to lose the Super Bowl. And while it may seem unlikely nobody will win, it remains a hope many Americans will cling to come Super Bowl Sunday; 100% according to one unpublished and highly unscientific poll conducted minutes before writing this column.

So fear not disgruntled Colt fans for you still have time to lobby the NFL to enact a rule change that will allow each team to lose this game. It shouldn’t be all that controversial really, considering the Shield has a history of ignoring their own rules anyway.

© 2014 Eric Walker Williams

All Hail! The Mighty Super Bowl has arrived

First appeared on February 1st, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Gather up now my Children of the Corn for the eyes of the world are upon you. Our sleepy little capital is no longer simply the crossroads of America. Instead, for one week at least, she is the crossroads of professional football and everything hip and now. The time for Super Bowl 46 has arrived which of course means it’s time for us to roll the welcome mat out. To brandish that legendary Hoosier Hospitality and live by the golden rule of Hoosiers everywhere: “Give unto others and expect only a condescending response in return”.

And for those visitors- welcome. Welcome New York Giants and, with a somewhat less than enthusiastic tone, New England Patriots. Welcome media members from coast to coast and anyone with enough money to afford to spend an entire week in a hotel charging Super Bowl rates. Welcome 400,000 people who have come to celebrate a game only 70,000 can attend.

Come one, come all. Give us your Chowder heads and Cheesecake-heads? Your Kim Kardashians and those Kim Kardashian look-a-likes hoping to find an endless supply of good hearted souls willing to cough up $250 for a photo opportunity.
Welcome to our little corner of the world. The land where welcome scarves are the equivalent of Hawaiian Leis and sandy beaches have been replaced with Astro-turfed sidewalks. Here you will find an army of volunteers ready to bowl you over with enthusiasm and accept your belittling sarcasm with a warm, ”I wish I could say what is really on my mind right now” smile.

So cast your fears aside ye new explorers of the fabled Circle City. Jump in with both feet for here you will find no tractors in the streets. Move forward knowing both that you will discover an event planned by the most meticulous of organizing committees and that at no point will Bobby Knight try to throw a chair at you.

Leave your stereotypes at the door. I can promise you Leslie Knope played no role in the planning of the Super Bowl and you will find Patricia Heaton in “The Middle” of nothing here. As a visitor to Indianapolis what you can expect to find is honest people who will do whatever they can to help you out. You will find open arms and warm smiles. You will find a people proud of their city and state. People who will swell with pride as they slap you on the back while telling you, “Close-but Madonna’s from Michigan, not Indiana.”

The NFL will tell you this is their party but Hoosiers everywhere know that every part of this week belongs to them. That’s why they’ll labor to ensure you enjoy every moment you spend in the birthplace of Fred Mertz.

So as you stand in the shadow of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument bracing yourself against the 40 mile an hour winds, let the debate begin as to which was the bigger coup: Indy getting the NFL to bring their Mardi Gras here or the NFL getting A List stars to book a flight to the Midwest in February.

And for those with an actual vested interest in the game, the time is near. The time to grab history, to grab lady opportunity by the arm or, in the case of Bill Belichick, to refuse to grab a welcome scarf. Stand up straight and say ‘fuzzy pickle’ Indianapolis-this is your finest hour.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

You can put lipstick on a bad decision and it's still a bad decision

First appeared on November 18th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Sunday Night’s Colts-Patriots match up had it all. The bright lights of primetime, the drama that comes with two of the games biggest stars locking horns and, not to mention, all the excitement that comes with “Bring your own mousetrap night” at Lucas Oil Stadium.
With NBC’s Chris Collinsworth dubbing it the “greatest rivalry of all time”, this game had hype too. In fact when was the last time we saw so much hype surrounding anything? OK, obviously not counting Oprah’s interview with Sarah Palin. Patriot fans waited patiently and, this is just a guess, were probably disappointed (in both instances).
After the Pacers beat the Celtics Friday night, the weekend started very well for those who harbor a genuine dislike for professional sports franchises based in the New England area. And just when it seemed the Patriots would even the score Sunday Night, Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick finally rolled the dice one too many times.
Chapter 1 of the “Idiot’s Guide to Beating the Colts” says load the line of scrimmage up and run the ball down their throats. In true Belichick style however, the Patriots threw the book out the window. New England appeared more interested in going after an Indianapolis secondary filled with so many new faces that even season ticket holders were busy scrambling for their programs.
It was quintessential Belichick, flying in the face of conventionality. Genius he may be, he still is as nontraditional as they come. Clad in a ratty sweatshirt and mousy hair, the Patriot’s head coach looks more like the volunteer assistant for a high school team rather than the leader of a three time World Champion. Despite this, all the guy does is generate game plans capable of stopping football’s version of Albert Einstein (Peyton Manning) in his tracks. Belichick is the image of the guy you’d see dipping snuff on the sidelines of a varsity game while telling 17 year olds to “check the tape” to prove he once scored five touchdowns against a county rival.
Looking back there were so many decisions that went wrong for Indianapolis. Poor choices that should have sunk them starting with the indoor fireworks that ignited the turf and almost caused the mass evacuation of 65,000 people. Then there was Peyton’s intercepted pass to Pierre Garcon in the 3rd quarter which became a poor choice considering it followed a momentum stealing pick by Antoine Bethea. And let us not forget the game time decision to keep the roof closed on the Luke; which one can only surmise was made to protect Al Michaels’ new hair hat from springing to life in the stirring Midwestern winds.
Of course the “Worst Decision of the Night” award goes to Belichick for not punting on 4th and 2 from his own 30 yard line with two minutes left in the game. In making the call so much was lost. The game, probably any hope for homefield advantage and perhaps even Belichick’s status as “Greatest Modern Football Mind”.
Forget the inability of the Colts to stop the run, the real story of this game was their inability to run the ball. Youth was another factor. All season long the Colts have leaned on a group of rookies for production. Sunday night this crew, who had previously been nothing but solid, finally looked like the rookies they are. All this together should have been enough to seal the fate of the men in blue, but then Belichick happened. Simply put, Indy’s the better team; and the good news for Belichick is we’ve got the tape to prove it.