The Big Lessons behind Tom Brady's Smallish Hands

First appeared on May 21, 2015
in The Lebanon Reporter

So Tom Brady has little hands. Or maybe the Patriot equipment managers have metric pressure gauges. They can spin it all they want but nothing will change the fact 95% of football fans, and nearly every person outside a 2 hour radius of the Metro Boston area, consider the Patriots dirty.

This just in, Robert Kraft has another Title, Brady another ring and the NFL is happy because it’s almost June and people are still talking Football. The real issue in Deflategate has been lost amongst the noise, overshadowed by the shock jocks and buried in the claptrap. This isn’t about whether a few underinflated footballs could have made any difference in the outcome of an incredibly lopsided AFC Championship game. The real issue is the message being sent to young people everywhere.

Cheating is no longer reserved for American politicians or the East German Olympic team. Like it or not, cheating is in vogue. Steroids, Spygate, cutting a baseball, greasing your jersey, corking your bat, none of it matters as long as you can hide it and ride it to the top. What we’ve really learned here is that a guy can cheat in front of millions and millions will still buy his jersey, name their first born for him and plaster his Fathead on their walls.

So you sit your seven year old down to explain that copying answers from Sally’s spelling test is called cheating and cheating is a very bad thing we shouldn’t do. “The American Dream was built on the backs of hard working people who didn’t take short cuts.” You explain as he sits quietly, wide eyed and longing for more, “Men who built barns out of logs hewn from trees they fell by hand. Men who didn’t cut corners because cutting corners only created more work in the long run. These were real men, men who didn’t wear protective padding and didn’t have time to waste doing interviews or hocking glorified Kool-Aid.” And he shakes his head as if he were thinking the exact same thing and you pat him on the back, feeling satisfied by your Clark Griswold-“Good talk son” moment.

But then, breaking news hits the TV screen. A shot of Tom Brady backing an SUV from a garage larger than the Governor of North Dakota’s mansion. His Supermodel wife waves through a tinted window as they head off on their six week hiatus in Tahiti. And all this, the images of private jets and Gucci suits, lavish estates and Lombardi Trophies, flash across the screen above a banner reading “Deflategate: NFL says Brady cheated”

We all want our children to achieve great things, to go farther than we did. And the beauty of being an American is the fact they will have every opportunity to do so. Yet amidst all the compassionate pushing and prodding, it becomes so easy for a parent to get bogged down and lose their bearings.

A well rounded kid will become their own toughest critic. For when the crowds fall silent and the stands empty out, they will be left alone with their thoughts. Forget the Little League trophies, job titles and bank statements, when it’s all said and done, we’ve failed as parents if our children don’t like the person looking back at them in the mirror. So the NFL cries foul, fingers get pointed and time marches on and you are left to watch your son grab his bat and head for the on deck circle; all the while hoping the values you’ve worked so hard to instill follow along.

© 2015 Eric Walker Williams

Cracks are forming in Goodell's Empire

First appeared on September 10, 2014
in The Lebanon Reporter

So Commisar Goodell has orchestrated the start of another NFL season. And as the shield reigns supreme over the landscape of professional sports, the good Commisar considers it all from his reviewing stand, looking surly and sublime. By the millions the masses, foam fingers flailing, faces painted and clad in Manziel jerseys, throw themselves daily at his feet begging for more.

His face is the picture of confidence, yet even the Gruden-like scowl he casts down upon the little people cannot drown out the whispers. Cracks are forming. Tiny fissures in the massive wall he’s so cautiously and callously erected around his kingdom are beginning to form.

There are many examples throughout history of empires outgrowing their reach, overestimating their power and falling upon their own sword. The Romans, Mongolians and America are but a few examples that immediately leap to mind. But the sun always shines in Commisar Goodell’s empire, for when it doesn’t, he simply changes his mind, or the rules.

Ripples of discontent first began forming when the Ravens’ Ray Rice was only given two games for assaulting his girlfriend. Storm clouds roiled when a few popular players were given longer suspensions for failed drug tests, toss in more rules in an already over-legislated sport and what you have is Perestroika all over again.

And as we loyally toil in the shadow of his greatness, Goodell’s heavy handed manner has turned inconsistent and his incessant tinkering with the rules of a game, already the most popular in North America, have left many wondering if he isn’t approaching the land of megalomania (and by many here we mean me, and you should you happen to agree).

The hailstorm of penalty flags we saw early in the preseason created an impressive stir considering they were thrown in meaningless games only season ticket holders and those in the Witness Protection Program were actually watching. And yet almost immediately they were silenced, as if Goodell himself had sent the league’s head of officiating on a media blitz of Siberia in order to assume control of rule enforcement himself.
Still it does appear more rules have been added to give Manning, Brady and Brees the best opportunity to continue obliterating NFL passing records. At the same time the changes conveniently bolster the chances of the greatest quarterback in NFL history scoring another title.

But all of this was forgotten Monday when Goodell changed his mind in the face of new evidence and suspended Rice indefinitely. The decision unleashed a torrent of negative reaction which could potentially become a tidal wave capable of destroying the entire infrastructure of his empire.

In the 1960’s the Communist Party of China pushed Mao Zedong aside when they feared he’d lost the people’s trust. If that’s the route we have to go to save football, John Madden seems the logical choice for a Liu Shaoqi-type figurehead puppet. That way, instead the blathering semi-apologies and incredibly shortsighted suspensions Goodell has given us, we’d get a “Boom! Pow!” or at the very least we'd have plenty of roasted turkey to go around.

For now the NFL remains king. The game has made instant replay cool, put some serious lipstick on rotisserie baseball and lined the pockets of every agent and small time bookie from Oxnard to Old Town. And while we haven’t reached the point where Goodell’s picture is hung above every locker room and his diary required reading for all 32 teams, the Commissar does loom large over his league for the time being. Still it would seem even Goodell, as polished and powerful as he may be, has chosen a path that could lead him to the point of no return.

© 2014 Eric Walker Williams

Manning or Brady? The steel cage death match to end all steel cage death matches

First appeared on October 14th, 2009
in The Lebanon Reporter

Be it the Bundys, Honeymooners or anyone representing the Raiders franchise, even the most legendary of arguers are apt to stumble upon arguments which appear endless. Explosive topics like which came first the chicken or the egg? Or, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around, does it make a noise? And then there is perhaps the most puzzling of all, who is the best quarterback of their generation, Tom Brady or Peyton Manning?
This is not a topic to tackle lightheartedly (unless you are the Ravens defense attempting to avoid another bogus penalty for sacking Brady of course). Stacking these two titans of sport up requires an appreciation of history, great knowledge of football and the ability to remain impartial. With this in mind, take what you’re about to read for what it’s worth.
At 6’5, Manning is a full inch taller than Brady; point Manning. Manning will play five primetime games this year to Brady’s four; advantage Manning. And before you begin thinking this is simply an attempt at inflating the legend of Peyton Manning like years of horse testosterone abuse inflated a stick thin outfielder whose Hall of Fame career may or may not have begun with the Pirates, Brady’s wife is a Supermodel; point Brady.
Hardware is a popular measure of the professional athlete. With this in mind, Brady has won three Super Bowls giving him two more rings than Manning; point Brady. Manning’s housekeeper has to dust around three league MVP trophies to Brady’s one however; advantage Manning.
Statistics are the measuring stick of choice amongst the mathematically inclined. For his career, Manning has over 20,000 more passing yards than Brady; advantage Manning. As a Colt Manning also has 121 career wins to Brady’s 107; advantage Manning. Though a detailed explanation of how it is calculated is best left for someone in possession of a PHD in statistics, Manning’s Quarterback Rating is 3 points higher than Brady’s; once again advantage Manning.
Many times the measure of a superstar is their imprint on popular culture. If there is anyone out there who hasn’t seen Manning hocking something on television they are most likely living in a thatch roofed hut somewhere in the Marshall Islands trying to dial a signal in with rabbit ears and tin foil. After all, the guy’s face is everywhere (see Gatorade, Sprint, Sony, MasterCard, H.H. Gregg and Direct TV for proof). With so much commercial face time it would appear that we have finally found somebody who could actually sell ice to an Eskimo; advantage Manning.
On paper Manning is clearly the better quarterback and his All Decade team selection is perhaps an early vote of confidence that history will ultimately find him the better player. In the court of public opinion however, Manning constantly finds himself audibilizing wildly (patting his head or flapping his arms while screaming nonsensical verbage) from the backseat with Brady confidently perched behind the wheel.
The thing about fans is they are notorious for only remembering the quarterback who wins the last game of the season as opposed to the one who puts up gaudy numbers for 16 straight weeks. With this in mind Manning needs one more ring to separate himself from Brady, otherwise only a Favre-like failure to recognize the deterioration of his own skills will keep Brady from going down as the best of his era. One more ring should cement Manning’s place as the greatest quarterback of his generation. Note to Jon Gruden: if you’re reading this, stop calling him the sheriff. That nickname’s like a rented tux-it just doesn’t fit!