A Match Made Somewhere other than Heaven

First appeared on March 27th, 2012
in The Lebanon Reporter

Throughout history there have walked the earth that very few men who’ve changed the world. A number so select one may count them upon a single hand; Hammurabi, Guttenberg, Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, Mr. Speckowski (6th grade Science at Lincoln Elementary).

But alas, if we were capable of springing a sixth digit like children born within the Chernobyl exclusion zone, then one man would make the list. One who lingers a Super Bowl win away from finding his face chiseled upon Mount Rushmore. One born destined to become the first man to spend U.S. currency possessing his own image. A trailblazer spreading his message of faith with a rock jaw and harder head. Of course we’re speaking of one Timothy Richard Tebow.

The problem here is Jets coach Rex Ryan thought we were talking about him. And now a star- crossed trade has brought the NFL’s two biggest caricatures together. Ryan is the blustery head coach who loves guarantees and a good continental breakfast. And Tebow, the quarterback who’s used his superstar status to become a spokesman for sandal wearing carpenters everywhere.

Both are exhausting yet refreshing. Frustrating yet somehow strangely inspiring. One simply cannot look away when either is on TV. Ryan the “King of Blusterstan” and Tebow a Kardashian in shoulder pads. Like moths to a flame or hot dog carts to an Overeaters Anonymous convention-we’re suckered in every time.

So the Jets can’t win a Super Bowl and the front office decides the best way to steal headlines from their roommate who could (the New York Giants) is to bring Ryan and Tebow together; thus adding a fourth ring to their already world famous circus. If Donald Trump has taught us anything, other than you too can become a bizillionaire by simply making ridiculous statements, it’s that there’s only room for 1 dominating personality in the board room. Now the Jets have two.

The impact each has had upon the world is inarguable. The Global Language Monitor recently recognized “Tebowing” as a word while Rex Ryan has a half tribal art, half sea monster tattoo on his calf. But to believe the coexistence of these two is the recipe the Jets need to win a Super Bowl is to believe socialized medicine and cars that don’t need gasoline will solve all of America’s problems.

While Tebow loves quoting passages from the Bible and pausing to thank a higher power, Ryan is more about ripping large chunks of raw flesh from your posterior region while quoting lines from “The Idiot’s Guide to Talking like a Trucker”.

Tebow’s a superhero whose Justice League of America card was earned by persevering despite draft experts arguing the NFL wouldn’t have his awkward delivery and upright, run the ball down your throat style. Yet lost in the chatter over his unorthodox passes and propensity for taking linebackers head on is the fact that, unlike Plastic Man or the Wonder Twins, Tebow is apparently immune to arrogance. The guy’s everything that’s right with sports and Americans love him for flying in the face of conventional wisdom. For this he’s become the stuff of myth.

And so now this Sasquatch in cleats meets a modern day John Wayne armed with clipboard and Burger King headset. A vampire who feeds on arrogance, Ryan learned the ropes from his legendary father (see the man whose defense MADE Mike Ditka) and he makes no apologies.

Both men are occupiers in a league that breeds conformity. And while the result may not be a Super Bowl it will certainly be worth more than the price of admission.

© 2012 Eric Walker Williams

Escape from Revis Island

First appeared on January 27th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

When Jets coach Rex Ryan said he would be “shocked” if his team lost to the Colts in the AFC championship game the mass media drooled. Crusty sports reporters whose brains had long ago turned to mush from years of habitually abusing coaching clichés were suddenly reenergized. They called Ryan a genius. A brilliant motivator; Eisenhower with a clipboard.
For two straight weeks the Jets were rammed down our throats as the NFL’s feel-good Cinderella story. Monday after their win over San Diego they were the inmates from “The Longest Yard”. By Wednesday they were the Ravens of 2000 and by the time they entered the Luke Sunday, they had become the ‘85 Bears. Well, this just in, the clock has struck midnight and it’s not 1969 anymore.
After handing the J-E-T-S a season ending L-O-S-S (that really should have came a month ago) Ryan now finds himself saddled with an oversized six shooter fresh out of bullets. For a month solid his pie hole was the Energizer Bunny of professional football. Then Austin Collie got loose in the secondary and, before Fireman Ed could find his seat after a halftime potty break, the Colts had found Ryan’s off button.
One can’t help but wonder if Ryan is shocked now. I’m guessing he’s the kind of guy who gets shocked a lot. He was probably shocked the first time he found out McDonalds stops serving breakfast at 10:30. And he was likely just as shocked to learn the McRib isn’t on the permanent menu. I wonder if he was shocked when the greatest quarterback to ever play the game wasn’t sidestepped at all by Ryan’s hollow attempts at intimidating him.
Meanwhile, as everyone from Roger Goodell to Joe Buck was rooting for Brett Favre and the Vikings to make it to Miami, how fitting was it that ultimately the Saints were the ones who benefited the most from Favre’s return to football? Indy against New Orleans, now this is the game the league wanted. Well at least it was the game they wanted a month ago anyway.
In making their escape from “Revis Island” the Colts will travel to their 2nd Super Bowl in 4 years. And while they’re in South Beach they’ll likely do the typical tourist stuff. You know- dip their toes in the Atlantic, eat at a chain restaurant and buy some shirts with “Team of the Decade” airbrushed on them from some cheap stand on the strip.
But the Colts franchise won’t be the only ones seeking Lady Destiny. For quite some time now Peyton Manning has been courting the title “Greatest Quarterback Ever”. Now it would appear the two are soon to be joined at the hip. Probably on the beach by some preacher/used car salesman who charges by the hour.
So the Colts have galloped their way into another Super Bowl. And now, in the absence of locker room controversy, spoiled superstars frothing at the mouth and prima donna quarterbacks, the mass media will have to find a way to sell the Colts to those living in the TMZ world.
In such uncertain economic times as these, if anything, Indy’s win goes a long way towards filling the sails of Hoosiers for another year. To be clear this was a big win. Bigger than Rex Ryan’s mouth and bigger than his headset. Bigger than the plate of crow he ate Monday and bigger than the list of things that shock him. And if Ryan was shocked at his team’s loss Sunday, just wait till he sees the price of Prime Rib in South Beach.