David Copperfield is the most powerful man in the world

First appeared on October 27th
in The Lebanon Reporter

You know that guy who always showed off at college parties using card tricks? With a goggling gaggle lapping his lame act up? I hated those guys. My online therapist says I’m suppressing a childhood fear of magic or clowns; but I think it’s more about my own supernatural shortcomings.


Life isn’t fair and the secret of life may lie in accepting this fact. At some point, bad days will find us all and it’s no different for those in the sports world. One has to wonder if David Copperfield has bad days though. The gold standard of magicians, Copperfield is one of a short list of men whose very names are associated with an unparalleled degree of deception; Copperfield, Houdini, Al Gore.

As for Copperfield though, it’s tough to imagine anybody who owns his own chain of Bahamian Islands having a bad day. Surely anyone who can walk through the Great Wall of China or make the Statue of Liberty disappear could remedy problems plaguing simple folk like us. That’s why whenever I have a bad day I like to play my favorite game; “If I was David Copperfield”.

If I was David Copperfield I would have teleported myself and Purdue coach Danny Hope to Hawaii on Saturday. I would have done this not only to save Hope from the embarrassment of a 49-0 loss at Ohio State, but it also seems like a really cheap way to see Hawaii as well.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my magic talent and creepy expressions to help others. Because making people disappear is as tired as any storyline that includes the names Brett or Favre, I would use my obligatory magic box on wheels instead to heal the knees of both Robbie Hummel and Darius Willis, as well as Dallas Clark’s wrist, and Joseph Addai’s shoulder and the bruised ego of Pat McAfee.

After a disappointing performance from Bill Lynch’s Indiana University football team in Champaign Saturday, if I was David Copperfield I would wave my magic wand and erase your memory. This way you would forget I ever guaranteed a bowl berth for the Hoosiers. What’s that? You hadn’t remembered? See-it’s working all ready.

If I was David Copperfield I would use my death saw to halve the New York Yankees roster and share their best players with the rest of the league. Of course I wouldn’t give anyone to the Rangers or Giants because making the World Series is proof they don’t need help. I wouldn’t help the Phillies either because they almost won their third straight pennant. Oh yeah, and for obvious reasons I wouldn’t give any to the Cardinals. On second thought maybe I would just cut the Yankees in two and give the best half to the Cubs.

While I’m at it, if I was David Copperfield I would have made Steve Bartman’s hands disappear prior to the 8th inning of the 2003 NLCS game 6….don’t worry I would have reappeared them after he signed a notarized letter swearing never to return to Wrigley Field. And why stop with Bartman? If I was David Copperfield I would have made Dwight Clark disappear from the corner of the end zone in the 4th quarter of the 1982 NFC Championship game with :51 seconds left and the Cowboys leading 27-21. And if I was David Copperfield I would also have stolen Christian Laettner’s arms, legs and ability to control bodily functions during Duke’s 1992 Final Four match up with IU.

In retrospect, magicians appear to have it easy. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand them.

BCS needs to take a long walk off a short pier

First appeared on October 20th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Would somebody please do the sports world a favor and put the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) out of its misery. It is high time the NCAA scrap this epic failure and (pardon my gratuitous use of yet another tired analogy) go back to the drawing board. Just like landline telephones and the Californian Condor, it would appear the best days are behind the BCS.


It’s like an old racehorse somebody needs to put out to pasture or a dinosaur from Detroit gargling gasoline as a Prius zips by silently in the passing lane. It’s the old hunting dog that can’t see, hear or smell but his master somehow lets him back into the truck every season.

So the BCS rankings have finally come out and, despite a well crafted rumor that it would be Boise State, Oklahoma is the team we are here-to-after decreed to bow to. Many expected Boise State to start out on top, early in the game, only to let them slide down as others crept their way up; the ultimate in lip service.

In reality if ever the BCS should give Boise State their title chance there would appear to be no better place or time than now. With no clear cut favorites in the field a “David v. Goliath” title game would actually generate more interest than whatever powerhouse schools are thrown at us at the end of the year.

Instead it would appear the BCS is rapidly approaching NASCAR Chase for the Cup-like status in the world of sporting events capable of generating mass yawns and disinterest amongst an otherwise rabid fan base. Of course I have no solutions to offer. Had I any- a part time pretend sports columnist I would not be. Instead I’ll take a play out of Cesar Millan’s off camera playbook and simply continue to beat the BCS with a rolled up newspaper.

The worst part about the entire system is that nobody can explain it. It’s like the Theory of Relativity, we all know it exists and that Einstein was a genius for discovering it-but none of us can begin to explain how it pertains to our everyday lives. It would seem the only way the BCS could possibly get any worse is if it hired Mel Gibson to do its PR.

In fact I can explain the BCS formula about as well as a monkey can order Chinese from a menu printed in Mandarin. Certainly the NCAA knows if they make the BCS selection process as complicated as humanly possible, most people won’t bat an eye when they announce their Title Game. And those who do are easily paid off or find themselves breaking rocks in a Siberian labor camp.

Simply put the everyday fan may want to see Boise State in the Championship game, but the people who really matter to the NCAA do not. And by “people who really matter” here we mean advertisers. Yes, all the grandstanding ESPN did surrounding the initial BCS selection show was meant to sell advertising dollars, not fill a void in your life.

So in the long run if you really think Boise State will ever actually appear in the BCS championship game you are probably the same person who believes in the U.S. government or Unicorns. The only way the Broncos will ever make the title game is if Nebraska, Ohio State, Alabama and Oklahoma put together an All Star team to play them first. Talk about a delicious match up; of course for the time being a Californian Condor egg omelet will simply have to suffice.

Swamp People won't Disappoint

First appeared on October 12, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

October is known for thrills and chills, a time when farmers return to their fields to reap what they have sown and a time for Cub fans to struggle for reasons to get out of bed.


So it was with great anticipation that I turned to “Swamp People” (History Channel, Sundays 10/9 c), looking for something to get my heart beating again. Fully expecting a distant cousin of Wes Craven’s masterpiece “Swamp Thing”, I discovered instead a pocket of the world where apparently evolution is yet to be defined, or by most accounts is late for the party.

For those yet to experience “Swamp People”, it is an unscripted diary chronicling the rudimentary existence of Louisiana’s Alligator hunters. It’s the Beverly Hillbillies meet the Crocodile Hunter.

If you’re confused why this is on the Sports Page, before continuing let me mention alligator hunting is in fact a sport; and it’s been a slow sports week otherwise.

Since the number of you who have been struck by lightning is probably higher than the number who have actually been Alligator hunting before, I will summarize the concept in one sentence.

You find the perfect swamp stump, wrap a shoestring with a barbed fishhook large enough to make Captain Hook jealous around it and wait until an Alligator bites into the rotting chicken meat you’ve baited it with.

To be fair Times Square the Atchafalaya River Basin is not. A million acre swamp that gashes the southern third of Louisiana, this remote wilderness is home to 300 different bird species, an estimated 1.5 million Alligators and, of course, the Swamp People. With this in mind it’s understandable that harvesting gators has been a way of life there far longer than the state of Louisiana has been around.

Acadians, or Cajuns as many know them, take pride in the fact they were castaways. Sent down from Canada to start a new life, few could have realized they would settle into the Atchafalaya swamp only to lie unmolested for 200 years. That was until, like a frozen caveman, a group of History Channel Producers unearthed them in a state of perfect preservation.

What “Swamp People” does is shed light on a part of Americana few realize existed. Fried alligator, swamp rats, grown men hunting half-naked (save a pair of overalls) in Crocs (no pun intended, one was literally wearing Crocs), “Swamp People” is as entertaining as it is crude.

Say what you will, you have to love “Swamp People” for being the one show that dares to stick a finger in PETA’s eye. It’s the politically incorrect elephant in the room in an era when environmental awareness has arguably never been higher.

If the sight of a spider on the floor sends you running for the high ground safety that is the coffee table, then “Swamp People” is probably not for you. The show is so over the top it’s almost as if a group of History Channel producers literally asked a table of writers to put together something so insensitive it would convince the entire nation to join PETA overnight.

What “Swamp People” is to me, if you can get by the images of a rifle being jammed against the head of an alligator writhing for his life, is a celebration of American Culture. Oral history in the digital age. Uncomfortable as some may find it, “Swamp People” is actually the closest thing we’ve probably ever seen to Reality Television. Yes, its official- Reality TV has a new standard bearer. No matter what anyone says, “Swamp People” is a show full of teeth.

Bill Lynch and the Indiana Hoosiers are Runnin' down their own dreams

First appeared on October 6th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

It’s been twenty years since Tom Petty released “Full Moon Fever”. I only remember it because it was the first cassette tape I ever bought. For those of you too young to know, a cassette was like an IPOD before there were IPOD’s. Well, I guess that’s only true if IPOD’s held less than 12 songs and were eaten by the cassette player of my car every other day. So I guess in reality a cassette is like an IPOD only far less cooler (although you can’t fix an IPOD with scotch tape and a ball point pen).


This random foray into the evolution of popular music is part of a circuitous route to the fact that hearing “Runnin’ Down a Dream” come over the car radio the other day spun me into a stream of consciousness. It was a magical experience dominated by visions of a Chevy Cavalier complete with black interior and no A/C, kitschy album artwork, one incredible road trip song and Indiana University’s football team; all at 70 MPH.

“It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down”

What a place and time to have one of the great performances in school history. Broadcast on ESPN, potential recruits saw one of Indiana Football’s largest crowds ever crammed into Memorial Stadium. And what followed can only be described as tremendous.

“I felt so good, like anything was possible”

There was an unfamiliar air of confidence in Bloomington Saturday. An energy generated by an undefeated start and magical memories from the Big House a year before. What followed was simply an incredible performance (offensive performance mind you). Unfazed by Heisman hype, the Hoosiers matched Michigan (AP #18) punch for punch as both offenses were unstoppable (over 1100 total yards).

The resolve Indiana showed much of last year was still there. A potent offense mixed with grit and toughness. Coming back time and again until, after the commentators had repeatedly said “you like Indiana’s chances if Robinson has to beat you with his arm”, Robinson went out and beat IU with his arm.

“Runnin’ down a dream, that never would come to me”

For three years now head coach Bill Lynch and his Indiana Hoosiers have been running down their own dream. Lynch has gone from a bowl berth piloting a team covered with Terry Hoeppner’s fingerprints to creating one marked by his own. Everyone in IU’s locker room is fighting for respect, fighting for recruits and fighting to the end in games the program used to find embarrassing.

“workin’ on a mystery, goin’ wherever it leads”

My crystal ball tells me the Hoosiers will make a bowl appearance this year, of course in 1989 the same crystal ball told me to buy as many cassettes as possible because the technology could NEVER get better.

The Hoosiers have another difficult test in Ohio State this week before Arkansas State comes up for Homecoming. This should be a welcome confidence boost before the final six games. A stretch including ranked opponents in Iowa and Wisconsin and a home game against Penn State that Athletic Director Fred Glass might regret moving to Maryland.

Counting Arkansas State, the Hoosiers will likely need to find 3 more wins if they want to go bowling. Beating Northwestern and Illinois would set up another must win with Purdue like the one that saw Austin Starr nail the kick heard round the state.

So come December just what tune will Bill Lynch be singing? Hoosier fans hope it includes Petty’s last line:

“There’s somethin’ good waitin’ down this road, and I’m pickin’ up whatever is mine”.

Will the third Zeller be the charm for IU?

First appeared on September 28th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter
So Washington High School’s Cody Zeller is the “must get” Tom Crean “must get” or apparently the four horsemen of the apocalypse will ride into Crean’s living room and it won’t be to shoot a Capital One commercial. This is what the local media types would have us believe. I’ll openly admit listening to and reading local sports personalities; if it weren’t for them then coming up with material would be like A LOT harder plus I wouldn’t be able to spell complicated words like sensationalism or non-partisanship.


And it’s probably best explained before I go on that I don’t buy anyone peddling high school kids like pieces of meat. Nowadays it would seem any Plecostomus with a laptop and no distinguishable form of a life produces their own list of prospects. What happened to the days when people left it to Street and Smith’s or George Michael (of the “Sports Machine” fame, not of the “public bathroom” fame) to tell them who the best players where?

Some believe, when it comes to Zeller, that Crean needs to do whatever necessary to bring the kid to B-Town- except for going all “Ricky Roe” and rolling in a family tractor that is; or calling him every 30 seconds as one former IU coach is likely to suggest.

It all makes one wonder if this is about Crean landing a top recruit or if it’s more about IU whiffing at the first two Zellers? I think it’s really more about public perception. All apologies to Purdue, but since I’ve been alive the public perception (and by public we’re speaking of the 294 million Americans not living in Indiana) has been that Indiana University has the top basketball program in the state.

Understanding nature’s rule that there be only one big dog in every pack; the rest are required to stay on the porch. And as far as Indiana’s proverbial front porch is concerned, Butler is as close as they have ever been to supplanting the Hoosiers as the big dog. And before I go on, no-Indiana’s proverbial front porch does not include any form of washer-dryer combination.

Which brings us back to Zeller. Who cares if he goes to North Carolina anyway? Would that be the end of the world? I mean it’s not like the Surgeon General’s put out a warning that DVR causes cancer or MTV is cancelling “The Hills” (What’s that? They cancelled “The Hills”?).

Hoosier fans can’t see Zeller’s choosing another school as a bad thing. A bad thing would be announcing the demolition of Assembly Hall the day after Zeller passes on IU or signing Oprah’s Texting While Driving Ban simply because you secretly hold out hope she will give you a car or a trip to Australia for doing so.

This is more about ours being a world of instant gratification. A world slowly breeding an entire generation of people too impatient to wait for anything (these people don’t read newspapers because yesterday’s news is SO yesterday). Why watch Indiana struggle when you can just go to Wal-Mart, buy some Butler boxer shorts and call yourself a fan? Besides, it’s a far easier move than stomaching another double figure loss to Kentucky.

The NCAA early signing period starts the second week of November. After visiting Butler and North Carolina, Zeller’s “Magical Mystery Tour” will conclude in Bloomington on October 31st. If the Hoosier’s lose him to UNC it’s not “Tom-you better start looking over your shoulder news”. But should Crean lose Zeller to Butler, then panic might have good reason to go house hunting in Bloomington.

Manning Bowl II Long on Hype, Short on Results

The list of things I have rooted against in my life is short. Global warming, Communist China, anyone coaching professional football in a hooded sweatshirt. But, this being said, for some strange reason I was apathetic about the 24 first half points the Colts put on the board Sunday night.


Somehow I was hoping “Manning Bowl II” would leave the Colts 0-2. It’s not that I want to see the Colts fail. It’s just that 0-2 is far more dramatic than 1-1. 0-2 means a direct flight to Panicville. 0-2 means angry mobs of people in the streets with pitchforks and torches. 0-2 forces terrified Colts fans to buy newspapers out of fear while 1-1 sells newspapers to terrified fans with pet parakeets.

I suppose in my mind 0-2 would have become 0-4. Then the greatest comeback in NFL history would follow as the Colts would rise like a Phoenix from the depths of ineffectiveness powered by the laser-rocket arm of their soon to be five time league MVP. And, after embarrassing whatever NFC poser was offered up for ritual sacrifice, Indianapolis would hoist another Lombardi Trophy. But the Colts won and now finding something to write about just became much harder.

Unless you’re a Colts fan “Manning Bowl II” didn’t meet any of the pre-“Manning Bowl II” hype generated by the talking heads at NBC. In fact if the Peacock wanted a competitive game, they’d have been better served pulling Papa Manning out of his luxury suite and putting him under center for the Giants.

And don’t go telling me not to take all this winning for granted; I’ve already done that. I’m no different than any other Colts fan. I look for the negatives in every win. “Yes we won by 24, but how many rushing yards did we have? How many rushing yards did they have? Our back-up quarterback couldn’t pass a bad Taco and did you hear Bob Sanders needs total hip replacement surgery?”

The games most exciting moment came in the third quarter when a disgruntled Brandon Jacobs fired his helmet into the crowd. Or fired it off the equipment cases only to have it ricochet into the crowd, or tried to spike it off the bench only to have it slip out of his; well let’s just say his helmet found its way into the stands “magic bullet” style. To be clear, if Jacob’s helmet wound up in my lap, I’d have been out of Lucas Oil faster than the Giants were out of Sunday night’s game.

Which of course forces one ponder the legal rights of drunk and disorderly fans. What does the Constitution say about professional football team paraphernalia that finds the hands of irrational people? Surely this isn’t a scenario the Framers overlooked.

Clearly the gaggle of people circling the fan with the helmet each appeared to have their own interpretation of the situation. Judging by all the gesturing and pointing, it was evident Hoosiers are fully aware of their legal rights when it comes to stray athletic equipment. And while I’m not a licensed lip reader, I’m almost certain one of them was telling Security “possession is 9/10ths of the law.”

So climb down off the ledge Ye Colts fans for all appears to be well with your Boys in Blue. Just be forewarned, should you happen to have a helmet fired your direction by a 6’4-265 pound running back, run for the exits like the building’s on fire or not only will you lose the helmet but you’ll come off looking confused and weak on national television.

Houston: Indianapolis has lots of problems

First appeared on September 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

John D. Rockefeller was famous for turning disasters into opportunities. That mindset, and more money than the Federal Reserve of Uganda, are the only two things separating Rockefeller from me. But turning a disaster around requires learning from mistakes and while the Colts may be above this, their 34-24 loss at Texas Sunday taught me much about football and life.


I discovered one apparent off season goal of NFL brass was to find a way to keep Peyton Manning from dominating their league. Evidence of this can be found in a rule change that slows play down and the fact they made the four time MVP play without an offensive line for most of Sunday’s game.

I learned Bob Sanders is 2 inches shorter than me which felt pretty good; that was until they said he was 50 pounds heavier. Sanders could punch my ticket to the hospital quicker than a UPS truck delivering sand bags, but I’m pretty confident I could find a way to survive more than 1 series if you gave me 7 months to prepare (I was REALLY good at Dodgeball back in the day).

I found out the lagging economy has finally trickled up to professional sports. Apparently the NFL can only afford “one size fits all” shirts for referees. And while this look might work for most, one noticeable exception is Ed Hochuli (Imagine Lou Ferrigno wearing a shirt made for Gary Coleman).

In an effort to make up for its wardrobe budget shortfall, the NFL is trading spandex for an increase in safety. By moving Umpires behind the offense they take a 50-something out of a busy intersection jammed with 20-something super-athletes trying to behead each other.

Of course, as only they can do, the NFL has complicated things as much as possible. Considering there are several scenarios where the Umpire has to relocate behind the defense, it would seem the league that made instant replay has somehow found a way to increase the level of “human element” in their game.

To summarize, Indianapolis still can’t run the ball or stop someone from doing so, Pierre Garcon is still an expert of catching all passes meaningless and the Colts are still most effective playing without a lead. Things were so bad Sunday, Houston’s riding an undrafted player to a win stands as clear evidence they were simply showing off.

Dan Dierdorf’s honesty taught us much. “I can’t remember the last time I saw a defense… completely shredded… like that” the long-toothed color man pontificated in the fourth quarter, which revealed not that he hasn’t watched much football, just that he had never seen the Colts play before.

Manning’s frustrations boomeranged him back to darker days when he often came off the field frothing at the mouth. Protection issues and missed opportunities had the Colts QB, as my wife and I say of our 2 year old when he’s unhappy, “speaking whinese” most of the day.

So what can Colts fans look forward to? Well, the defense team officials boasted “could be one of our best” gave up a franchise record for rushing yards in a single game to an undrafted running back Sunday; so you’ll have to get creative.

And then there was poor Devin Moore, reminding us all why the NFL should just eliminate the kick off all together. For every time somebody returns one, a penalty immediately negates the games most exciting play. I guess when it comes to the Colts refusing to address the obvious every year, or fast food restaurants having Facebook pages, some things are best left unexplained.