More Curtis Painter Please

First appeared on August 17th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Let me be the first to say what every Colts fan is already thinking but is afraid to admit- “I need more Curtis Painter”. Yes I agree it does sound odd. Somewhere along the lines of please pass the monkey brains or do you know anyone who offers a good discount lobotomy?

But just as Christopher Walken so famously once quipped “More Cowbell!” on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, so too should Colts fans be eager to see “more Curtis Painter”. Those who haven’t dismissed me as someone who’s survived a bad discount lobotomy are still reading because they assume an explanation will follow.

Peyton Manning is the quarterback of the Colts. Discount lobotomy or not, nobody will ever dispute this. What some don’t realize, or wish to think about, is life without Manning. I’m not talking about retirement or a permanent replacement. In that respect Manning is a lot like Superman or Ramen Noodles for he, like them, could never be replaced.

This is more the idea of anyone in the Colts organization giving any thought to the options this team would have should Manning go down. And don’t give me that “well, their season is over then!” The players in the Colts locker room deserve more than that. Most of these guys are getting too long in the tooth to believe every play they’re fighting for would be lost should Manning go down.

As it stands now fans of the Colts are one Theismann-like play away from seeing #18 gesturing wildly from the sidelines with clipboard firmly in hand. This guy has been around so long it seems like he took over after Johnny Unitas left the press conference announcing his retirement and all this time he’s done nothing but stay healthy and play games.

Simply put the Colts have not done enough to prepare for life without Manning. They haven’t proved to the rest of us that they recognize the fact that Manning, despite his 6’5 frame and laser-rocket arm, is in fact human.

Case in point-Curtis Painter threw just 6 passes in the Colts first preseason game Saturday night. He completed 3 for 55 yards with 1 interception. The fact Painter didn’t throw the ball more has to explain something. If the guy is truly Manning’s back up then they need to play him more and open the playbook up. But with only 6 passes attempted, just like the Chinese place in the food court at the mall, the sample size clearly needs to be larger.

The only logical explanation for Saturday night is that perhaps the Colts aren’t as sold on Painter as they would have us believe. Maybe what they really think is that Dan Orlovsky is going to be their man but they’re just not 100% ready to make that public. So in the mean time they’ll keep Orlovsky’s fate on double-secret probation until the NFL forces the Colts to solidify their roster.

Long story short, if Curtis Painter can play at this level, now’s the time to prove it. Don’t give us any more observations from practice or press releases composed by Stuart Smalley. Get him out on the field more in the preseason. Make him prove to the rest of the football world that other defenses won’t make the Colts backfield look like the frenzied streets of an Arab Spring country without Peyton Manning.

In the meantime this is me doing my best Bruce Dickinson (picture slicked back hair, chocolate brown leather jacket, tinted Aviators) and I’m telling Jim Caldwell that what I really need is “more Curtis Painter baby!”

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Its time to cut Stevie Williams some slack

First appeared on August 9th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

It needs to stop and it needs to stop now. What is “it” you may or may not be asking? To quote a once famous talk show diva: “Stop the insanity!” When Stevie Williams walked off the 18th green Sunday after caddying for Adam Scott during the latter’s win in the Bridgestone Invitational, a microphone was thrust in his face.
And while it’s only a mild news story that anyone would take the time to interview a caddie, the bombshell came when Williams, obviously still bitter over his recent firing by Tiger Woods, didn’t hesitate to show it. And it’s an understatement to say he threw golf’s most controversial player under the bus. Williams threw Woods under the bus, and then backed the bus up to let every sponsor who has ever dumped Tiger as a spokesperson climb aboard before running his former boss over again.

Don’t get me wrong, what Williams said was outrageous. In a win that was clearly more the product of Adam Scott’s steady play than anything Williams could have possibly contributed, the caddie referred to himself more than 20 times in a 2 minute interview.

But the real issue here isn’t that Williams spoke like he’d singlehandedly won the Tour De France, Super Bowl and Presidency of Burkina Faso all in the same day, the real issue is that someone approached him at a vulnerable time.

In the world of mass media, there’s muckraking and there’s pot-stirring. Unfortunately many today bend towards the latter. These King of backhanded compliments are expert needlers, highly skilled at creating stories in places they may be nonexistent.

For scientific purposes (which could lead to the possibility of securing future congressional funding for further study) let’s call this issue the “Jim Gray Syndrome”. Those media members afflicted with JGS have an uncanny knack for giving people a platform at the exact moment they realize their victims are about to say something controversial.

Causes of JGS are traced to both a chemical imbalance in the brain and because deep down inside, in places we don’t talk about at family barbecues or the waiting rooms of our therapists, most of us love sensationalism. We enjoy watching the rich and famous getting beat up during an interview or saying outrageous things (see West, Kanye).

But in this instance, despite the ridiculous nature of his comments, Williams deserves some slack. It’s only natural to expect caddies to have the rare combination of supernatural powers and the ability to remain grounded, but Williams was emotional. It’s tapping into these emotions that remains the inherent danger of shoving a microphone into someone’s face at the wrong time.

To avoid a JGS flare up, Athletes need time to “decompress” as George Costanza once put it. It’s called the heat of the moment and it’s more than just a song by Asia (which by the way is the single greatest rock group ever to be named for a continent). There needs to be a stronger effort made to avoid the heat of the moment.

The sight of Jim Gray swimming upstream through a crowd of World Series champions in the throes of excessive celebration just to shove a microphone in the face of someone who would rather give his manager a wedgie than talk to an announcer has grown tiresome.

It has to stop now. Unfortunately there’s no known cure for JGS; therefore more funding is necessary. This means we need either more congressional dollars or a telethon. In the case of the latter I’m picturing Jim Gray as host with a performance from Kanye West minus the 7 second delay.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Nyad trying to prove 60 is the new 40

First appeared on August 3rd, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Do you think Sharks get excited about Shark Week? Are they tuning their television sets to Discovery Channel with a bowl of goldfish and an ice cold Landshark Lager? Do they enjoy watching humans poking, prodding, photographing, measuring and strapping everything from a camera to a monkey wearing a crash helmet to their backs?
I can’t say with any certainty how Sharks feel as a whole about Shark Week, I can say however that some will likely be excited about the prospect of meeting Diana Nyad. Having already proven she’s a fan of physical torture by swimming from the Bahamas to Florida, Nyad now wants to travel the 103 miles from Cuba to Florida. A previous attempt saw her lose 29 pounds after swimming just 42 of the estimated 60 hour trip.
The intimidating distance, wide array of health dangers (including the astounding rate of weight loss) and fact that this stretch of the Caribbean is what sharks of the world call the “Ginza District” are not the most amazing aspects of Diana’s journey. Nyad, who is a member of the International Swimming Hall of Fame, will attempt this swim at the age of 61.
When asked about embarking on such a physically demanding journey at a time when most her age are mulling retirement options, Nyad was clear the trip is not self-indulgent. “It’s about feeling strong at 60 and showing it”, she told NPR recently.
Already the owner of a record for longest ocean swim, Nyad is also the fastest to ever circumnavigate the Island of Manhattan. This second feat is vastly underrated considering the pollution rate of rivers on the Eastern Seaboard.
From 1990-94 the Hudson River swallowed over 1.7 million pounds of direct toxic discharge. The fact alone she survived circling Manhattan is perhaps the single greatest accomplishment known to man (outside Al Gore’s inventing the internet of course).
Members of PETA will tell you Nyad has nothing to worry about when it comes to swimming with the sharks of the Caribbean. But, for having never watched Shark Week or Jaws eleven times in a two day span, clearly they are not qualified to speak on this topic.
The 22 member team that will accompany Nyad on her trip will rely on satellites to generate positioning signals (fancy jargon for GPS) and have already employed the services of meteorologists (fancy jargon for modern day snake charmers) who are currently searching for the best 3 day window. As for infrared technology the team shouldn’t have trouble spotting Nyad swimming at night considering, after being in the Hudson River, she probably glows in the dark anyway.
Kayakers will follow dragging an electronic shark shield and a team of 4 Expert Shark Divers will intervene if necessary. Another swimmer completed the same trip in 1997 by swimming inside a steel shark cage. Nyad’s team either couldn’t afford one or it was confiscated by the TSA because she plans to swim without it. Still, the group is insistent no sharks will be harmed on the trip.
If successful in her endeavor, Nyad will certainly inspire many Americans. Her intention is to motivate people to go out and chase their dreams no matter their age; to finally do the things they’ve put off for years. And, if a 61 year old really can swim 100 miles, maybe I’ll be inspired to get off the couch instead of sending my three year old to the pantry to rummage for potato chips. He doesn’t seem to mind too much, as long as I promise not to turn off Shark Week that is.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Aroldis Chapman is a scary, scary man

First appeared on July 26th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

When I was 10 years old Tony Spencer could throw a baseball over 100 miles an hour. OK, so maybe it was more like 50, but at the time it seemed like 100. This was before the steroid era so we didn’t know enough to ask Tony to pee in a cup before we played our games.

To prepare for him we did drills in practice where our coach set bats behind our feet so if we tried to step out of the batter’s box we would fall down. And since I fell down more times than a World Cup Forward flopping for a call, I didn’t like Tony. I can admit it now because I’ve moved on, Tony scared me.
Players who strike fear in the heart of an opponent don’t come around very often. Many in the NFL will tell you James Harrison is the most feared player in the league. The NBA probably hasn’t had someone who truly scared people since the Knicks or Pistons of the early 90’s. But the Cincinnati Reds may have found one such player in Aroldis Chapman.

Take your pick as to what there is to fear most about this guy. He’s hit 105 miles per hour on the radar gun multiple times. From the mound his 6’4 frame and lanky arms make it look like his 105 MPH fastball is being shot at you from an F-16 Fighter Jet. He’s also left handed (which is in itself enough to creep me out) and did I mention he can throw over 100 miles an hour?
If you need more proof, try standing in the batter’s box after your manager delivers the scouting report on him: “He’s got a 105 mile an hour fastball kid, oh yeah- and a history of control problems”. In the minors he terrified both opposing batters with 49 strikes outs in 30 relief innings and his manager by leading the league with 14 wild pitches.

And what about the name? Aroldis? It’s a name so obscure even the most savvy of Scripps Howard National Champion Spellers wouldn’t touch it without placing a call to the guy who stitches the names on all the Red’s jerseys first. “Could you use it in a sentence please?”
“Yes… Aroldis throws a baseball so hard it could split your skull open.”

Perhaps you’re not convinced he’s scary. Let’s consider the fact then that Chapman defected from Cuba in 2009 which means he likely comes with many unanswered questions. Questions like is he really 23? Is he actually human? Or is he a Soviet era robot sent by Communist Cuba to discover the secrets to our economic success? Of course if the latter is the case then, in true Soviet style, he’s arrived 20 years too late.

Scary or not, there’s no disputing Chapman has been on fire since the All Star break. In his last 10 1/3 innings he’s given up just 2 runs and allowed only 5 base runners while striking out 17 batters. Opposing hitters are batting just .110 against him this year. This tells us either he’s got pretty good stuff or he’s only faced the absolute worst hitters in the league so far.

Either way he’s just what the Reds needed right now. To this point their bullpen has been about as shaky as 97 year old man riding a wooden roller coaster. In 34 opportunities Cincinnati’s pen has secured only 21 saves. Perhaps the scariest thought of all is, for the Reds to go anywhere in the Central this year, they might have to rely on Chapman.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

What we can learn from the British Open

First appeared on July 21st, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

0 for 17. This had to be racing through Phil Mickelson’s mind Sunday while standing over a long Birdie put on hole number 6 of England’s Royal St. Georges. For his career Lefty had made 17 appearances in the British Open without hoisting a Claret Jug. But after the wind blew his hat off on the tee, and was already moving several balls around on the greens, Mickelson was able to make that put before draining a spectacular Eagle put on 7 to grab a share of the lead.
The stage appeared set for Phil to secure both history and his first jug. All the elements of high drama were present. A local professional and gallery favorite (Darren Clarke), a young gun looking to steal a Major (Dustin Johnson) and the man who always seems to flirt with contention (Mickelson). After going six under through his first ten holes, Lefty looked unstoppable. But when a hiccup at 11 (short par put lipped out) was followed by bogeys at 13, 15 and 16, Phil’s chances were gone with the wind. Literally.
Watching the British Open I was reminded of why I will never go to England. It is inarguably the bleakest place on Earth. Forecasting the weather there must be easy-“Today expect overcast skies, howling winds and a 100% chance for precipitation.”
When I think of Augusta it’s sunshine and chirping birds (both real and electronic). The U.S. Open will always be the beautiful Pacific coastline of Pebble Beach. As for the British however, the wind is inescapable. The incessant, typhoon-like wind that pounds the coastline, pounds golfers, pounds their approach shots and pounds their scorecards.
Forget the Claret Jug, the winner of the British Open should get a lifetime contract as a Hurricane correspondent for the Weather Channel. As with most Open courses, Royal St. Georges is a treeless, pockmarked landscape similar to the moon wrapped in Astroturf. Modern golf dates back 500 years and Sunday’s coverage could have just as easily been from that era, if not for Rickie Fowler’s Sunkist orange pantsuit and the sight of a nuclear reactor on the horizon. “It’s a subtle beauty” some will opine, but don’t listen to them for these are the same people who enjoy staring at empty parking lots or directly at the sun.
Anyway you cut it, England seems like a good place to leave behind. After all, it’s been almost 400 years and I’m fairly certain the Mayflower Pilgrims aren’t second guessing themselves. And what have the English really ever given us that we actually need or use? I mean besides our language and freedom of course.
Tea? Crumpets? Cricket? Soccer? The list of English contributions to society that Americans have ignored is seemingly endless. Sure one can point to the Beatles, but everyone knows if you throw enough stuff against the wall, something is bound to stick. That’s the fundamental principle this column was founded upon.
The argument could be made that Carrot Top or Ronald McDonald have contributed more to American society than England. But Sunday England, Northern Ireland rather, did give us something. A humble champion with an appreciation for suffering and sacrifice. 42 year old Darren Clarke, who had no top 20 finishes in 6 years, bagged his first Major Sunday.
In its 151 year history, the British Open has been taken 74 times by a player from England or the islands surrounding it. This tells us that not only is modern golf alive and well in its birthplace, but those who stayed behind on the rock have undoubtedly learned to play the wind.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

Americans Unite for Womens Soccer

First appeared on July 13th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

Our teachers first taught us that we’re expected to do many things as Americans. It’s part of being who we are. Celebrating freedom, respecting our flag, paying taxes and carrying car insurance. That’s why as Americans we honor guys like Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry who, after being shot in Afghanistan, led his fellow soldiers to cover before picking up a live grenade to toss it back to the enemy. For his bravery, President Obama awarded Sergeant Petry the Medal of Honor this week.
As Americans we are obligated to eat hot dogs and apple pie drenched in syrup and ice cream while complaining why public education can’t do more to stop obesity. We are also expected to get teary eyed both when we see fireworks exploding over the Statue of Liberty and upon hearing Oprah is ending her show. And as Americans we should all feel compelled to tune in Wednesday to watch the U.S. women compete in the semis of the World Cup (12 p.m. EST ESPN).
Wednesday’s match up with France marks the sixth straight appearance for the U.S. Women’s team in the Semifinals of the World Cup (or the Final Four for those who don’t follow soccer). For those who don’t normally follow soccer, like me, its best to point out as well that this sixth straight appearance is perhaps most effectively explained as EVERY semifinal in Women’s World Cup history.
Yes it would appear the guys at the water cooler who stand around complaining about their raises and the fact that as Americans we suck at Soccer might want to turn on the television or pick up a newspaper because once again women are proving men wrong. In fact the U.S. has won 2 out of the 5 total Women’s World Cups. I’m fairly certain most guys know we’ve won at least one since they likely have yet to forget the image of Brandi Chastain’s post-match celebration. And before you label me, her theatrics were hard to get away from considering they appeared on the cover of Time, Newsweek and Sports Illustrated.
2011 features a fresh batch of new faces. Gone are the Mia Hamm’s and Chastain’s of the world. This current group of soccer stars is anchored by goalie Hope Solo who was riding a 796 minute scoreless streak during World Cup play at one point. The Hoosier state is represented on this year’s roster thanks to Indianapolis native Lauren Cheney. This 23 year old forward played collegiately at UCLA and is the Bruin’s all time leading scorer. She was a first team all American for four straight years and named 2007’s USA Young Female Player of the Year. Cheney cut her international teeth in 2008 as a member of the U.S. Olympic Team.
Some football and basketball fans find Soccer too uneventful to follow, but what they need to consider is just how stimulating play will be in their sports considering the current lock outs plaguing both leagues. Speaking of eventful, Sunday featured one of the greatest moments in U.S. Women’s Soccer history as Megan Rapinoe connected with Abby Wambach to tie the match with Brazil in the 122nd minute. This was followed by a penalty kick shootout which ultimately led to the U.S. prevailing 5-3.
So bust out your posters of Hitler or Napoleon voodoo dolls, the time has come once again to root against the French. The U.S. is 11-0-1 all time in “friendlies” with France, but that doesn’t mean the unthinkable can’t happen. Though, if history is any guide, it may take some help from the Americans for France to succeed.


© 2011 Eric Walker Williams

The Politics of Competitve Eating

First appeared on July 6th, 2011
in The Lebanon Reporter

235 years ago our Founding Fathers shocked the world by penning the following: “When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth the right to gorge themselves on processed meat…” OK, so maybe that wasn’t exactly how it was written. But with a whole generation of children who won’t be able to read cursive writing in the lurch, it’s entirely possible that’s how the Declaration in its original form will be translated at some point.
The 96th annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest was held this past Fourth in Coney Island. Americans by the million tuned in because we love the spirit of competition and because ESPN really had nothing else to broadcast. The crowd was mesmerized by the display of natural athleticism and captivated by raw, or perhaps undercooked, suspense. Obviously Americans would find a love affair of food attractive while celebrating those who dare to test the limits of human digestion, we are after all the most obese nation in the world.
But as the contestants blew through their plates of Hot Dogs faster than a beaver gnawing chopsticks, one had to wonder if this was what the Founding Fathers envisioned? Is this really what Thomas Jefferson meant by the “pursuit of happiness”? Is the right of inhaling 62 dogs in 12 minutes the kind of ”inalienable right” they had in mind?
No doubt it’s a tough argument to swallow. Would a group of refined gentlemen plotting the course of a new nation actually do so with competitive eating in the back of their minds? Seeing Americans feverishly cheering Champion Joey Chestnut on is likely enough to have taken the curl out of George Washington’s hair, or at the very least cause him the sort of agitation he weathered upon discovering a run in his hose.
Teddy Roosevelt praised football for its mirroring the rugged, rough and tumble American way of life. What would the old Rough Rider himself think of competitive eating? And considering this “Super Bowl of the Surreal” took place in his native New York City, let us pause now for TR to turn over in his grave.
So maybe the Founding Fathers were closet Kobayashi fans, there is no arguing the popularity of revisionist history. However one of the biggest misnomers about our nation’s past, other than Ben Franklin’s never being President or the Civil War having not been won over England, is the fact Washington never signed the Declaration of Independence. Who would’ve guessed she would become such a big hit after being signed by the likes of Button Gwinnett, Francis Lightfoot Lee and William Williams? And with someone named Williams playing a role it comes as no surprise it is too long, somewhat difficult to decipher and lacks any entertainment value whatsoever.
So you can have Thomas Jefferson or your choice from any of the Adams boys, for eating an 11 pound Shoo-Fly pie in 8 minutes I want my kids to look up to Patrick Bertoletti . Legendary men like Eric Booker who once ate 49 glazed doughnuts in 8 minutes or Takeru Kobayashi who downed 17 pounds of Cow Brain in a quarter of an hour. These are the men worthy of having their faces carved into a mountain out in the middle of nowhere in a not-so-subtle effort at creating tourism in an otherwise non-touristy state.
So as Jefferson’s hand swept across that crusty old piece of paper listing all our grievances with the King 235 years ago, it all leads one to wonder if the almighty hot dog wasn’t actually first on his mind.

© 2011 Eric Walker Williams