And now for the least researched NFL preview in the history of the world

First appeared on August 4th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

For those of us who consider soup can labels to be quality leisure reading a new television season looms like the promise of a good 5 cent cigar or high speed internet for all. The networks will tell us the greatest season of new shows awaits when in all likelihood half will get cancelled, one might reach syndication and the rest will suffer the wrath of the unemployed screenwriter (i.e. television critics).


However fans of the NFL are likely to discover the most dramatic and entertaining moments will appear on the gridiron this season. TV aficionados and fantasy football geeks won’t struggle for discussion topics should some strange nexus of the universe ever bring them together.

Television and football are not all that different. In fact many parallels exist between the upcoming football season and those TV programs we’ve come to love so; or at least I’m going to use the next 400 words to pretend as much.

After cashing a ridiculous paycheck, Washington Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth promptly celebrated by failing multiple conditioning tests. For taking over 20 million dollars in salary before demanding a trade and then attempting to make amends by doing nothing but eating donuts and Corn Puffs all offseason, Haynesworth has quickly become the NFL’s version of “The Biggest Loser”. Scorned by every sports columnist in the nation, including the part-time pretend, Haynesworth has become a popular man in the league for all the wrong reasons. In the end however it will likely be Skins owner Daniel Snyder and new coach Mike Shanahan that will be the biggest losers in all of this.

Nothing will compare to what we will likely see coming out of Cincinnati this season. The Bengals have created “must see TV” by brining Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and free agent wide out Terrell Owens together. I give it five games before we’ll be treated to something reminiscent of a hilariously bizarre episode of “The Marriage Ref”.

By dubbing themselves the “dynamic duo”, Ochocinco and Owens have proved true the old theory that anyone giving themselves a nickname is either painfully desperate, friendless or a victim of Father Time whose production is waning. After all, isn’t referring to yourself as a superhero a bit ambitious considering all legitimate superheroes earned their nicknames by doing something other-worldly like reversing the spin of the Earth or winning a seat as a Tea Party candidate, not simply showing up for training camp?

All American Boy Tim Tebow has joined the Broncos and his jersey is already moving faster than free beer. With him doing everything at the college level short of walking on water, Tebow is the closest thing the NFL has to an “American Idol”. I see Randy telling Tebow “it just didn’t do it for me dog” before Paula makes an embarrassing pass at him. Unfortunately, after trying to squeeze into a 3T T-shirt, Simon will have asphyxiated; thus leaving the deciding vote uncast.

It’s time for a big finish now because I’m running out of space (and ideas).For breaking tradition in training camp and refusing to carry a veteran’s pads, Cowboy rookie Dez Bryant appears cut from the same cloth as those stars of TV’s “The Apprentice”. This shoe fits if for no other reason than he’s soon to be whispering “you’re fired” into Roy Williams’ ear.

What about the Colts you ask? Longevity, a single marketable superstar, consistent greatness and a history of doing things with class? Sounds like “The Simpsons” to me. Either way, enjoy this season football fans for the great lock out of 2011 promises wall to wall infomercials for all.

NCAA: The IRS of organized sport

First appeared on July 27th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

With the revelation that Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush took money while playing football at USC a whole new debate has surfaced on the sports landscape. Well, perhaps “reared its ugly head again” is the more applicable cliché. Allegations that Florida’s Maurkice Pouncey took money from a sports agent as well suddenly have fans, coaches and sportswriters alike calling for change. Well at least the sportswriters are.


In the past we have seen the NCAA hammer schools with suspensions, forfeitures and lost scholarships. Schools in turn have responded by falling over themselves apologetically before firing coaches and athletic directors. What we rarely see are the “student athletes” themselves being held accountable.

Nowhere before has the “one bad apple” theory fit more appropriately than in this scenario. There are literally thousands of Division One student athletes who are actually trading college sports for the chance to prepare themselves for a career outside of athletics. I understand this because I watch the Big Ten network and they keep the same NCAA commercial on a constant loop.

Unfortunately all it takes is one Reggie Bush, one scumball agent, one Kelvin Sampson and the entire system takes a hit. Unfortunately with hundreds of schools offering dozens of sports the numbers of student athletes totals in the thousands. In other words, this is likely a lion too big for anybody to tame. Even somebody with a solid track record for efficiency like the U.S. Government probably couldn’t help. Major college sports is King Kong on the Empire State building and the NCAA is an ant with a bullhorn trying to talk him down.

The bottom line is if coaches are worth millions to universities and the games generate millions more for networks perhaps the word “amateur” needs to be reevaluated. In the meantime we need to look at a way to dim the luster of the money agents wield. With recruiting extending all the way down to the junior high levels these days it would make sense for the NBA and NFL to become more involved before we witness the disgusting sight of agents leaching themselves to pregnant mothers.

Somebody, the President of the NCAA, retired Admiral Thad Allen or USC great Pete Carroll (OK, so maybe not Pete Carroll), needs to get the NFL and NBA on the same page to ensure players, along with institutions and coaches, are held accountable when things like this happen. By fining or suspending those players who have transitioned from college to the professional ranks before allegations break, you might be able to make them reconsider taking gifts from agents in the first place.

As for the agents themselves, there are several ways to deal with them. Few of which are legal. I suggest ritual sacrifice or a Mexican firing squad. And yes they still exist, my uncle’s in one.

I suppose the argument could be made that this is all simply a sign of how backward we are as a society. One need look no further than the Nobel committee recognizing three guys for studying the structure of Ribosomes when clearly there are more deserving people in the world; like the guy who invented DVR for example.

So what do we really have here? Another embarrassing moment. Another reason for the big time programs to reevaluate the ways they cheat. Another month or so of everyone trotting their high horses out to politic for the preservation of the purity of college sports. All the while proposing no solutions and changing absolutely nothing. The good news is the college football season will be here before you know it.

The Reds are back so...where are the fans?

First appeared on July 20th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

So the National League finally did it. For the first time since 1996 they beat the American League All Star team. Perhaps more astonishing to the casual fan than the game’s outcome was the fact that four of the victorious All Stars came from Cincinnati.


Before you ask me to repeat it, the Reds themselves must view their All Stars as proof they quietly put together a solid first half. After all they went into the All Star break leading the Central Division, and no, we don’t have time to discuss how weak the Central is this year because we’re too busy celebrating Cincinnati’s success.

It’s to the point now that some Reds fans are daring to utter a phrase that group swore off long ago. “Playoffs”? Looking back at the past 15 years, the dreams of any Cincinnati team contending for anything were gone about as fast as an I-Phone 4G can drop a call.

Cincinnati has long been the place where professional athletes went to die. Stranded in a desert starved of contenders, for some time now Cincy has been an ugly wasteland dotted with bungled opportunities and the occasional lost chance. The Reds franchise itself was a fruitless plantain tree struggling to stand in a rainforest of losses.

Unless you count 1999’s one game playoff with the Mets, the Reds have not seen the postseason since 1995. In fact, since the year 2000 the best finish the Reds could muster in the National League’s Central Division was 3rd.

But there’s a new set of roustabouts on deck in the Queen city now and having four representatives on this year’s All Star team is enough for us to believe fifteen years of bad memories have been boxed up and barged down the Ohio.

While as a staff the Reds have not had outstanding pitching, starters Bronsen Arroyo and Johnny Cueto have been solid. Arroyo leads the team with 10 wins and Cueto has amassed 79 strike outs. Perhaps most amazing is journeyman reliever Arthur Rhodes who, in 43 appearances, has a sparkling 1.43 ERA.

Cincinnati’s offense helps to balance a less than dominant rotation. All Star Joey Votto leads the team in homers and slugging percentage while, as a team, the Reds are 5th in runs scored, 4th in homers and 3rd in slugging percentage. Of course all this begs the question: Where are you Reds fans?

Given their resurgence, one would think the Great American Ball Park would see more faces than empty seats. Unfortunately attendance is the second lowest they’ve had in five years.

It’s no secret, despite making the playoffs last season, the Bengals have long been a source of consternation. While opposing defenses were laboring to lock up Chad Johnson on the field, many other Bengals were simply getting locked up off it.

But now Cincinnati has a division leader without a rap sheet and where are the fans? Nationally many are waiting for this team to go away. As if the Reds to a man will wake up one day and begin playing like a team capable of being swept by the Bad News Bears. I think the cool kids call it a “collapse”.

Well if they’re planning to choke away the position they’ve put themselves in, this week may be a good time to start. The Reds will get their chance to climb Mt. Strasburg Wednesday night as they battle the Nationals on ESPN. And while ESPN will be busy nominating Strasburg to Cooperstown, Cincinnati will be simply be looking for the one thing that has eluded them all season. Respect.

All the lipstick in Bloomingdales won't help the All Star game

First appeared on July 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There are times when inspiration just doesn’t strike. Like, take this week for example. I’m sure the Pacers/CIB fiasco would have made for an intelligent column. But an overall lack of basic math skills precluded me from writing that. Clearly, trying to comment on that situation intelligently would have left me sounding like the congressman who argued stationing too many U.S. troops on one island would result in it tipping over (Google it, it’s true).


Then I thought the fact LeBron won’t win a title with the Heat next year would be a safe choice. But I quickly realized every other legitimate sports columnist in the nation has already gone there and it would appear small and uninspired on my part to ride their coattails for another week.

That leaves the logical stand-by. The MLB All Star game. I found myself thinking how cool it would be to go to Anaheim or Los Angeles or wherever the Angels are playing this year and cover the game. It’s not uncommon for most big time sports columnists to have a budget that covers stuff like that after all. Unfortunately my Reporter expense account leaves me with no choice but to write this column in my living room, which I’ll admit is the next best place to LA.

While the All Star game should be a celebration of superstars and fantasy match ups, it’s instead become hokey and predictable. It started with an unfinished extra innings disaster whose illegitimate child became known as “this one counts”. Now they’re selling us the “All Star game in 3 D”.

Today’s version is a washed up, watered down, PED-free shell of its former self. So how do you fix it? If MLB really wanted ratings they’d have found a way to get Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron to play three on three with Stephen Strasburg, the Barefoot Bandit and Brett Favre.

Of course with the baseball season only being 162 games long, unfortunately we wouldn’t have had enough time to wait on Favre to decide if he wanted to play or not. However sprinkling in a Tiger Woods scandal somewhere in the 3rd or 4th inning would have likely bolstered ratings.

Perhaps they should have included the allure of Russian spies. After all, is there anything more compelling? Well, aside from the origins of that Italy-boot-shaped birthmark Gorbachev wore on his forehead. Perhaps starting the rumor that Strasburg is a Soviet spy sent to destroy American baseball will help build some hype for next year’s game. That might have Joe McCarthy turning over in his grave however; especially if he’s seen Strasburg’s full complement of pitches.

If it’s explanations for the game’s demise you seek, the argument I can formulate while exerting the least amount of thought is the advent of interleague play. It used to be the two leagues only saw each other at the All Star break and during the World Series. This of course meant revenge was on the mind of one of the leagues following a World Series defeat.

If anything interleague play has created friendly rivalries, not the “rip your heart out of your lungs and bowl you over at the plate” hatred we used to see during the midsummer classic. Don’t worry, if you don’t buy this argument I’m not married to it either. So what did we get out of the All Star game in 3D? Somebody famous sang a way-too-long-version of the National Anthem, a bunch of guys grounded out and Joe Buck spit facts out like a programmable robot. Where’s Charlie Hustle when you need him?

LeBron-a-palooza will tell us much about the King

First appeared on July 7th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently LeBron James is a free agent. I mention this now because I see it as my duty as a part time pretend sports columnist to keep you abreast of breaking news in the world of sports. And while LeBron has quickly become the Brett Favre of this summer minus the hokey jeans commercials, most of the rest of the league is awaiting his decision before attacking what is undoubtedly the greatest class of free agents the world, or at least the NBA world, has ever seen.


Like BP’s estimated totals of leaking oil in the Gulf, rumors and opinions about the future of King James are flying furiously, changing rapidly and have been by and large wildly inaccurate.

But for this part time pretend sports columnist, this entire thing is more about James the man than James the player. He’s done more than prove his worth as a player on the court. He could go all “Michael Jordan” on us and retire today to pursue a future as a hand model or professional eater and his bust would still wind up in the Hall of Fame.

What remains to be seen is what type of man LeBron truly is. He is already on record saying this move will be more about championships than money. And if you are part of the New York Knicks ownership that means you can stop reading this now. If James truly wants a championship however he will likely have to accept a lesser role than he’s accustomed to.

For those of you with degrees in history looking for a translation it would be a lot like MacArthur being relieved of his command and, those of us with history degrees, all know how well that worked out. What we’ve seen in the past is during times of adversity James maturity could only be described as “under construction” (for proof see his round 2 loss to Boston this year).

Whether it’s with Dwayne Wade in Miami or Derrick Rose in Chicago, if James final destination is truly a port of call that includes a championship banner he helps hang, that means he’ll have to set sail with a First Mate. And this is one of the few things he’s yet to do on the basketball floor.

This won’t be the first time we’ve seen big stars join forces in the NBA. It worked very well in Boston with the Big Three. But this will be different. Boston took on three players who were edging past their prime and realized their infamous “windows of opportunity” were sliding shut. In Boston’s case they found a group with the maturity necessary to share the spotlight.

When the discussion turns to James, Wade, Rose and Chris Bosh however, we’re talking about players at the top of their game. That’s what makes this all the more interesting. It’s not just, Where will James go? It’s more, Will it really result in a championship? Can two or three guys who have the world by the tail really swallow their egos long enough to do those things necessary to win a title?

There are so many factors to consider when superstars collide. Enormous questions will linger in the locker room like an aged Limburger or stubborn foot fungus. Issues like whose ridiculous “Diego Maradonna-like” demands are to be met first? Demands like taking the final shot, getting announced last during starting line-ups and having a toilet capable of serving custom ordered cappuccinos in their hotel room. Yes these are the often overlooked, yet burning, issues to consider as we watch this drama unfold.

Pacers have definite concerns and they don't involve LeBron-a-Palooza

First appeared on June 29th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently the Pacers have found a diagnosis to explain their swollen list of issues. After seven grueling seasons Indiana has gone from a robust franchise that won 61 games to a shell of its former self that could barely muster half as many wins. After seeing several specialists, 1 herbalist, a Navajo medicine man and Ron Artest’s psychiatrist, the Pacers have come to the realization they suffer from a massive point guard deficiency.


Before I continue I must admit I have in the past and will continue to blame everything (except the drafting of Shawne Williams) on “the Brawl”. Revealing this is just something that’s better to get out of the way early; you know like admitting “I’m a Republican” or “I don’t think Oswald acted alone” to people your meeting for the first time.

The Brawl singlehandedly set the Indiana Pacers franchise back ten years. And if you think this is an overstatement, you’re probably one of those who believes the ocean will clean up the Gulf Coast Oil Spill naturally or that Van Halen was actually better with David Lee Roth.

When Ron Artest apologized to the Pacers after he’d won his championship with the Lakers I found myself thinking it was both touching and ridiculous at the same time. If the guy’s truly remorseful for wading into the stands and derailing Indiana’s title hopes he will cut his ring into 12 pieces and share it with Reggie Miller and the rest of the Pacers he let down. But silly me, he doesn’t have time to do that-he’s got a single coming out.

So the Pacers stand at a crossroads. They shopped the 10th pick until everybody from the Los Angeles Lakers to the Indiana Fever had turned it down and then selected another athletic wing (Paul George from Fresno State). While everyone is busy purging their rosters and dumping players (see Chicago donating Kirk Hinrich to Washington and the current New York Knicks roster) in anticipation of LeBron-a-palooza, the Pacers are hustling for a point guard.

There are two obstacles for Larry Bird to overcome here. One being every team in the league knows what he needs and the other is he only has one or two players who appear attractive to potential trade partners. Outside of this, things are really looking up for the Blue and Gold.

On paper the current roster looked like it could compete for a playoff spot. But then we saw the ineffective, shoot-first mentality of the point guards and Danny Granger’s unwillingness to be a leader on the defensive end of the floor. So what’s the answer? I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea.

But it’s a safe bet heads will roll in Indianapolis if Bird can’t find a trade soon. If he can’t find a way to secure a point guard that can make Jim O’Brien’s system work then I’m forecasting one of the darkest days in the history of Indiana sports. For not only will the Pacers likely be a thousand games under .500 but somebody will have to fire the most famous Hoosier of our time (or simply not ask him back which is essentially the same). I’m imagining the hilarious Seinfeld episode where some Broadway producers ask Kramer to fire the legendary Raquel Welch because she doesn’t move her arms when she tap dances.

If nothing changes by October fans will definitely be ready to move on. Perhaps relocating is the way to go. I’m thinking Seattle or Brazil, some place where they don’t have professional basketball and it rains less than here in Indiana.

All we are saying is give the World Cup a chance

First appeared on June 22nd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

What to get Dad for Father’s Day. We’ve all struggled with it. And now that Father’s Day has passed we can thankfully wait another 364 days before worrying about it again. Whether it be another bad tie, a set of tools so complete he wouldn’t need them all unless he was single handedly rebuilding New Orleans or perhaps a polo doomed to the fate of being inhaled by the 800 pound monster living in his closet (otherwise known as the pile of polos he no longer wears), Father’s Day gifts are tough.


But how many can say what Michael Bradley of USA soccer can say? Bradley’s goal at the 83 minute mark of Friday’s World Cup match against Slovenia not only tied the score 2-2, but likely saved his father (Team USA manager Bob Bradley ) from one of the most embarrassing losses in U.S. soccer history. Happy Father’s Day indeed.

If you’d have told me I’d be writing about soccer again, I’d say that was about as likely as the Friendly City putting together a video to try and lure LeBron away from Cleveland. To be clear, I’m not a soccer guy. I don’t understand the strategy, don’t know many of the rules (and by many here I mean all of them) and, outside of a high school P.E. class, I’ve never really played it. All that may have changed Friday as I, along with 5.2 million other viewers, tuned in to watch Team USA take on upstart Slovenia.

For the second straight match the Americans fought their way out of a hole. Down 2-0 at the half, Team USA was against the ropes and could do nothing but hope Slovenia would suffer a Dustin Johnson like meltdown.

In the world of soccer a 2 nil deficit feels insurmountable. And considering the match up pitted the largest and smallest nations in the World Cup against each other; you had the recipe for great drama. Here’s the part where the United States, led by poster boy Landon Donovan, mounts a historic comeback.

“My guess is there’s not many teams in this tournament that could have done what we did… And that is what the American spirit is about,” Donovan said afterwards, “…I’m sure people back home are proud of that.”

Now back to me. For one day I understood soccer and, despite not having a few spare Euro’s in my pocket and wanting to drink beer with my breakfast, I knew what it meant to be a real footballer.

Now for some straightforward analysis. The U.S. must win Wednesday against Algeria to ensure a chance at moving on. And, while the U.S. has made a habit of falling behind, the good news here is Algeria is yet to score in the tournament so falling behind should prove difficult.

Unfortunately to this point it would seem the World Cup has struggled to gain traction in the states. But there is hope. Considering Americans relish athletes who act conceited and spoiled because they make us feel better about ourselves, Team France losing touch with reality over the weekend may help garner some fans.

A power struggle between a player and his coach has sent the entire French nation into a freefall and forced President Nicolas Sarcozy to dispatch a personal envoy. Yes indeed, Team France’s sudden disfunctionality makes the Lohan family look a lot like the Brady Bunch.

It’s simple now. If the Americans win Wednesday they move on. If they don’t, their chances become slim. But the real point here is, soccer fan or not, give the World Cup a chance.