All the lipstick in Bloomingdales won't help the All Star game

First appeared on July 14th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There are times when inspiration just doesn’t strike. Like, take this week for example. I’m sure the Pacers/CIB fiasco would have made for an intelligent column. But an overall lack of basic math skills precluded me from writing that. Clearly, trying to comment on that situation intelligently would have left me sounding like the congressman who argued stationing too many U.S. troops on one island would result in it tipping over (Google it, it’s true).


Then I thought the fact LeBron won’t win a title with the Heat next year would be a safe choice. But I quickly realized every other legitimate sports columnist in the nation has already gone there and it would appear small and uninspired on my part to ride their coattails for another week.

That leaves the logical stand-by. The MLB All Star game. I found myself thinking how cool it would be to go to Anaheim or Los Angeles or wherever the Angels are playing this year and cover the game. It’s not uncommon for most big time sports columnists to have a budget that covers stuff like that after all. Unfortunately my Reporter expense account leaves me with no choice but to write this column in my living room, which I’ll admit is the next best place to LA.

While the All Star game should be a celebration of superstars and fantasy match ups, it’s instead become hokey and predictable. It started with an unfinished extra innings disaster whose illegitimate child became known as “this one counts”. Now they’re selling us the “All Star game in 3 D”.

Today’s version is a washed up, watered down, PED-free shell of its former self. So how do you fix it? If MLB really wanted ratings they’d have found a way to get Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron to play three on three with Stephen Strasburg, the Barefoot Bandit and Brett Favre.

Of course with the baseball season only being 162 games long, unfortunately we wouldn’t have had enough time to wait on Favre to decide if he wanted to play or not. However sprinkling in a Tiger Woods scandal somewhere in the 3rd or 4th inning would have likely bolstered ratings.

Perhaps they should have included the allure of Russian spies. After all, is there anything more compelling? Well, aside from the origins of that Italy-boot-shaped birthmark Gorbachev wore on his forehead. Perhaps starting the rumor that Strasburg is a Soviet spy sent to destroy American baseball will help build some hype for next year’s game. That might have Joe McCarthy turning over in his grave however; especially if he’s seen Strasburg’s full complement of pitches.

If it’s explanations for the game’s demise you seek, the argument I can formulate while exerting the least amount of thought is the advent of interleague play. It used to be the two leagues only saw each other at the All Star break and during the World Series. This of course meant revenge was on the mind of one of the leagues following a World Series defeat.

If anything interleague play has created friendly rivalries, not the “rip your heart out of your lungs and bowl you over at the plate” hatred we used to see during the midsummer classic. Don’t worry, if you don’t buy this argument I’m not married to it either. So what did we get out of the All Star game in 3D? Somebody famous sang a way-too-long-version of the National Anthem, a bunch of guys grounded out and Joe Buck spit facts out like a programmable robot. Where’s Charlie Hustle when you need him?

LeBron-a-palooza will tell us much about the King

First appeared on July 7th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently LeBron James is a free agent. I mention this now because I see it as my duty as a part time pretend sports columnist to keep you abreast of breaking news in the world of sports. And while LeBron has quickly become the Brett Favre of this summer minus the hokey jeans commercials, most of the rest of the league is awaiting his decision before attacking what is undoubtedly the greatest class of free agents the world, or at least the NBA world, has ever seen.


Like BP’s estimated totals of leaking oil in the Gulf, rumors and opinions about the future of King James are flying furiously, changing rapidly and have been by and large wildly inaccurate.

But for this part time pretend sports columnist, this entire thing is more about James the man than James the player. He’s done more than prove his worth as a player on the court. He could go all “Michael Jordan” on us and retire today to pursue a future as a hand model or professional eater and his bust would still wind up in the Hall of Fame.

What remains to be seen is what type of man LeBron truly is. He is already on record saying this move will be more about championships than money. And if you are part of the New York Knicks ownership that means you can stop reading this now. If James truly wants a championship however he will likely have to accept a lesser role than he’s accustomed to.

For those of you with degrees in history looking for a translation it would be a lot like MacArthur being relieved of his command and, those of us with history degrees, all know how well that worked out. What we’ve seen in the past is during times of adversity James maturity could only be described as “under construction” (for proof see his round 2 loss to Boston this year).

Whether it’s with Dwayne Wade in Miami or Derrick Rose in Chicago, if James final destination is truly a port of call that includes a championship banner he helps hang, that means he’ll have to set sail with a First Mate. And this is one of the few things he’s yet to do on the basketball floor.

This won’t be the first time we’ve seen big stars join forces in the NBA. It worked very well in Boston with the Big Three. But this will be different. Boston took on three players who were edging past their prime and realized their infamous “windows of opportunity” were sliding shut. In Boston’s case they found a group with the maturity necessary to share the spotlight.

When the discussion turns to James, Wade, Rose and Chris Bosh however, we’re talking about players at the top of their game. That’s what makes this all the more interesting. It’s not just, Where will James go? It’s more, Will it really result in a championship? Can two or three guys who have the world by the tail really swallow their egos long enough to do those things necessary to win a title?

There are so many factors to consider when superstars collide. Enormous questions will linger in the locker room like an aged Limburger or stubborn foot fungus. Issues like whose ridiculous “Diego Maradonna-like” demands are to be met first? Demands like taking the final shot, getting announced last during starting line-ups and having a toilet capable of serving custom ordered cappuccinos in their hotel room. Yes these are the often overlooked, yet burning, issues to consider as we watch this drama unfold.

Pacers have definite concerns and they don't involve LeBron-a-Palooza

First appeared on June 29th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

Apparently the Pacers have found a diagnosis to explain their swollen list of issues. After seven grueling seasons Indiana has gone from a robust franchise that won 61 games to a shell of its former self that could barely muster half as many wins. After seeing several specialists, 1 herbalist, a Navajo medicine man and Ron Artest’s psychiatrist, the Pacers have come to the realization they suffer from a massive point guard deficiency.


Before I continue I must admit I have in the past and will continue to blame everything (except the drafting of Shawne Williams) on “the Brawl”. Revealing this is just something that’s better to get out of the way early; you know like admitting “I’m a Republican” or “I don’t think Oswald acted alone” to people your meeting for the first time.

The Brawl singlehandedly set the Indiana Pacers franchise back ten years. And if you think this is an overstatement, you’re probably one of those who believes the ocean will clean up the Gulf Coast Oil Spill naturally or that Van Halen was actually better with David Lee Roth.

When Ron Artest apologized to the Pacers after he’d won his championship with the Lakers I found myself thinking it was both touching and ridiculous at the same time. If the guy’s truly remorseful for wading into the stands and derailing Indiana’s title hopes he will cut his ring into 12 pieces and share it with Reggie Miller and the rest of the Pacers he let down. But silly me, he doesn’t have time to do that-he’s got a single coming out.

So the Pacers stand at a crossroads. They shopped the 10th pick until everybody from the Los Angeles Lakers to the Indiana Fever had turned it down and then selected another athletic wing (Paul George from Fresno State). While everyone is busy purging their rosters and dumping players (see Chicago donating Kirk Hinrich to Washington and the current New York Knicks roster) in anticipation of LeBron-a-palooza, the Pacers are hustling for a point guard.

There are two obstacles for Larry Bird to overcome here. One being every team in the league knows what he needs and the other is he only has one or two players who appear attractive to potential trade partners. Outside of this, things are really looking up for the Blue and Gold.

On paper the current roster looked like it could compete for a playoff spot. But then we saw the ineffective, shoot-first mentality of the point guards and Danny Granger’s unwillingness to be a leader on the defensive end of the floor. So what’s the answer? I’ll be the first to admit, I have no idea.

But it’s a safe bet heads will roll in Indianapolis if Bird can’t find a trade soon. If he can’t find a way to secure a point guard that can make Jim O’Brien’s system work then I’m forecasting one of the darkest days in the history of Indiana sports. For not only will the Pacers likely be a thousand games under .500 but somebody will have to fire the most famous Hoosier of our time (or simply not ask him back which is essentially the same). I’m imagining the hilarious Seinfeld episode where some Broadway producers ask Kramer to fire the legendary Raquel Welch because she doesn’t move her arms when she tap dances.

If nothing changes by October fans will definitely be ready to move on. Perhaps relocating is the way to go. I’m thinking Seattle or Brazil, some place where they don’t have professional basketball and it rains less than here in Indiana.

All we are saying is give the World Cup a chance

First appeared on June 22nd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

What to get Dad for Father’s Day. We’ve all struggled with it. And now that Father’s Day has passed we can thankfully wait another 364 days before worrying about it again. Whether it be another bad tie, a set of tools so complete he wouldn’t need them all unless he was single handedly rebuilding New Orleans or perhaps a polo doomed to the fate of being inhaled by the 800 pound monster living in his closet (otherwise known as the pile of polos he no longer wears), Father’s Day gifts are tough.


But how many can say what Michael Bradley of USA soccer can say? Bradley’s goal at the 83 minute mark of Friday’s World Cup match against Slovenia not only tied the score 2-2, but likely saved his father (Team USA manager Bob Bradley ) from one of the most embarrassing losses in U.S. soccer history. Happy Father’s Day indeed.

If you’d have told me I’d be writing about soccer again, I’d say that was about as likely as the Friendly City putting together a video to try and lure LeBron away from Cleveland. To be clear, I’m not a soccer guy. I don’t understand the strategy, don’t know many of the rules (and by many here I mean all of them) and, outside of a high school P.E. class, I’ve never really played it. All that may have changed Friday as I, along with 5.2 million other viewers, tuned in to watch Team USA take on upstart Slovenia.

For the second straight match the Americans fought their way out of a hole. Down 2-0 at the half, Team USA was against the ropes and could do nothing but hope Slovenia would suffer a Dustin Johnson like meltdown.

In the world of soccer a 2 nil deficit feels insurmountable. And considering the match up pitted the largest and smallest nations in the World Cup against each other; you had the recipe for great drama. Here’s the part where the United States, led by poster boy Landon Donovan, mounts a historic comeback.

“My guess is there’s not many teams in this tournament that could have done what we did… And that is what the American spirit is about,” Donovan said afterwards, “…I’m sure people back home are proud of that.”

Now back to me. For one day I understood soccer and, despite not having a few spare Euro’s in my pocket and wanting to drink beer with my breakfast, I knew what it meant to be a real footballer.

Now for some straightforward analysis. The U.S. must win Wednesday against Algeria to ensure a chance at moving on. And, while the U.S. has made a habit of falling behind, the good news here is Algeria is yet to score in the tournament so falling behind should prove difficult.

Unfortunately to this point it would seem the World Cup has struggled to gain traction in the states. But there is hope. Considering Americans relish athletes who act conceited and spoiled because they make us feel better about ourselves, Team France losing touch with reality over the weekend may help garner some fans.

A power struggle between a player and his coach has sent the entire French nation into a freefall and forced President Nicolas Sarcozy to dispatch a personal envoy. Yes indeed, Team France’s sudden disfunctionality makes the Lohan family look a lot like the Brady Bunch.

It’s simple now. If the Americans win Wednesday they move on. If they don’t, their chances become slim. But the real point here is, soccer fan or not, give the World Cup a chance.

A brief, yet obligatory, look at the World Cup

First appeared on June 16th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

There is a little known statute in the Part-time Sports Columnists code book. Rule #684.A states “When the World Cup comes, those pretending to be sports columnists shall cover it whether or not they know anything at all about soccer.”


So the World Cup is here. Evidently this only happens every 4 years and it is like a really big deal in places that don’t have professional basketball, football and baseball teams to follow or neighborhoods with organized euchre leagues. Before writing this the only thing I knew about soccer was Pele must have been pretty good, and for some reason Brandi Chastain’s name rings a bell. Doing some research in an effort to sound informed I discovered on Wikipedia that Michael Jordan is considered one of the greatest soccer players ever and the 2014 World Cup will be held in Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas.

A carnival of color and noise, the Cup is a seemingly endless parade of one obscure country after another, each awaiting their chance to get pounded by either Brazil or Italy. If anything the World Cup serves as a reminder to us all that we should have paid more attention in geography class.

There are around 200 nations on Earth and it appears as though they are all currently playing in Johannesburg. Heck until sixth grade, I didn’t even know the world had any other countries besides the U.S., Russia and Great Britain or England or the United Kingdom or whatever they want us to call them today.

Divided into 8 groups, 32 total teams qualified to play in Johannesburg. Both the Koreas made it, which should prove interesting if they meet up because it could mark the first time a World Cup match results in a nuclear war.

A notorious traveler, rumor has it the Stanley Cup made an appearance for the opening match. With all the hullaballoo in the states over the NCAA power conferences devouring each other, one can’t help but wonder if E Harmony brought the Stanley Cup and World Cup together, would the result be a sippie cup?

Unthrilling is the only word I can make up to describe how disappointing Friday’s opening match was (South Africa and Mexico finished in a 1-1 tie). As we find ourselves buried under an avalanche of scoreless minutes and cheap plastic noisemakers, the demands of Argentina’s manager Diego Maradona provide some hope for entertainment. Aside from wanting ice cream to be available all day long in his hotel, Maradona also requested a toilet with a heated seat be installed for him. Telling you he wears two watches is probably all the explanation that is required here.

ESPN spent millions trying to make this thing sound exciting only to have the opening match end in a melodramatic tie. Compounding matters one of the most anticipated match-ups (USA v. England) wound up a tie as well. Trying to get American consumers to buy in to all this indecisiveness won’t help soccer’s cause any. American’s like winners. We like to brag and boast and drag losers through the mud and then rub their faces in it. It’s the American way.

Drama is brewing however. Slovenia has taken Group C by storm charging out to a 3-1 lead over both the United States and England. Friday’s match up pitting Slovenia against the United States could go a long way in determining the fate of the Americans chances at playing for the Cup. If it’s a prediction you’re looking for, I probably have as much of chance picking the winner as you have of finding Slovenia on a map.

Rondo runs over "Ghosts of Showtime Past" in key Game 2 win

First appeared on June 8th, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

In case you missed it Sunday night, the Boston Celtics rose from the dead to grab control of a Finals series so many had handed to the Lakers. We say “rose from the dead” because the Celtics were conveniently old again after their Game 1 loss. Well somebody call the marketing department at Geritol because Boston has split the series and now has a chance to win the whole thing at home.


So many agreed Los Angeles appeared to have this thing wrapped up. Game 1 was a complete and utter disaster for Boston. The Lakers appeared unbeatable while the Celtics appeared ready for assisted living. It was as if the “Ghosts of Showtime past” had paid the Lakers a visit prior to Game 1 because Los Angeles didn’t just play like they were the best team in the league, they played like they were the best team in league history. The stat sheet was stained Laker purple as Los Angeles won all the key areas: Rebounding, field goal %, three point %, three pointers made, steals, blocked shots and points (Somewhat obvious, I know).

Simply put the Lakers dominated. They looked to be insurmountable, unhittable, literally capable of anything. This includes throwing a perfect game officiated by Major League Umpires.

But then Game 2 happened. Ray Allen jumped in the way back machine and played like it was 2002 again. After scoring 12 points on just 8 field goal attempts in Game 1, Allen bounced back with a sizzling performance in Game 2. This included 8 of 10 from three point range as the nine time All Star scored 27 points in the first half alone. In a little over three days Boston fans went from scrambling for the life boats to placing mass champagne and cigar orders from Celebrations.com.

As great as Allen was, Rajon Rondo is still everything to Boston. The wind in their sails, the gas in their engine, the Rusty Crawdad Clackin’ Rap in their tackle box; however you put it Boston is only going as far as this kid can take them. Sunday night was a perfect example of how dominating the 6’1 Rondo can be as his line read 19 points, 12 rebounds and 10 assists.

The 24 year old point guard’s performance becomes magnified as Superstar Kevin Garnett is nearing the end of his career and playing like he’s already retired. Ron Artest took the “Greatest living Celtic in waiting” (Paul Pierce) out of Game 2 and as far as Boston’s bench goes, all Rasheed Wallace can do now is argue calls and hit the occasional 3 pointer (wait that’s all he’s ever done).

Now, ironically, the only long faces in this series are found in the plastic surgery capital of the world. Fans in Lakerland are especially nervous considering the NBA’s goofy 2-3-2 format. This means Boston controls everything. If the C’s play their cards right the only reason they will go back to Los Angeles this summer will be for a vacation or to shoot an “I’m going to Disneyworld” commercial.

Conspiracy theorists were out en masse Monday claiming the NBA wanted a split series. And, while I’ll admit four of Kobe Bryant’s fouls were strange in a “Tim Donaghy” sort of way, I think the last thing the NBA wants right now is to get caught staging more games. As crafty as officials can be however, they aren’t the ones who had 28 assists. This was a product of the Celtics playing as a team. A performance that no doubt had Red Auerbach and John Wooden both smiling somewhere.

Here we go again; for the 12th time

First appeared on June 3rd, 2010
in The Lebanon Reporter

The United States and Iran refuse to negotiate, a deadly plane crash in Poland, Israel and Palestine suffer another ugly setback and the Lakers and Celtics are in the NBA Finals. This may all sound familiar to those of us who attempt to monitor world events while paying bills, raising our families and eating the occasional piece of apple pie.


Strange but true, while all these stories have happened this year, for our

purposes here they were ripped from the headlines of 1987. Funny how things change and yet stay the same. While the Lakers and Celtics may be making a return to basketball’s biggest stage, thankfully the “Kurt Rambis look”, Magic Johnson’s shorts and Larry Bird’s bad mustache will not.

The 1987 Finals were likely the high-water mark of the Bird vs. Magic era for it was only a year later we saw the face of the NBA change as the Detroit Pistons killed the fast break by tripping, choking and elbowing their way to the Finals.

For me personally the memories of the 1987 Finals are clear. Dick Stockton was repeatedly muttering about how hot it was in the Boston Garden and I can still hear the disgust in Tom Heinsohn’s voice as his beloved Celtics collapsed in six games under a barrage of sky hooks and no- look passes.

But this is 2010 and these aren’t your grandpa’s Lakers and Celtics. Today “Showtime” in L.A. means Kobe is about to take over. Phil Jackson starts two seven footers and has a 6’10 point guard if he needs one. The Lakers led the ultra-competitive Western Conference with 57 wins and also have the league’s third leading scorer in Kobe Bryant.

In 1987 Boston was a number 1 seed and fielded a roster that included 5 future Hall of Famers. The 2010 Celtics are much different. They weren’t even supposed to be here. This was the year LeBron was supposed to get Cleveland to the promise land before bolting for greener (literally) pastures.

Still the Celtics somehow appear a likely favorite. If you’re looking for rationale, I’ll be the first to admit Boston doesn’t look good on paper. They lack gaudy statistics and a coach who is considered the modern day version of Red Auerbach. What Boston does have however is something the average NBA stat geek can’t measure. They are a team fueled by their own heart and toughness and this is what will carry them through the Finals.

In order to win the series however Boston will need to steal a game in L.A. and history has shown the easiest to grab is Game 1. Thursday night Boston needs to hit the floor like a herd of bulls tearing down a Pamplona street. Head Coach Doc Rivers should show a replay of Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals when his Celtics clinched the title by drumming the Lakers by 39 points.

Conversely, Jackson would be well served to do the same. It could be argued that singular loss was the impetus behind the Lakers putting their full faith in Kobe and Kobe putting his full faith in his Jackson. All this faith finding of course culminated in a run that saw the Lakers capture the championship a year later.

Thursday night will mark the 12th time these two have met in the Finals and together they have won a disgusting 32 of the 63 NBA Titles. The faces on the floor and in the stands may be different, but history is there looming large over the Finals. Funny how things change and yet stay the same.